Silent Sacrifice
by Daring Duo
Summary: John, Rodney, and Ronon try to survive after crash landing on an unexplored planet. Their injuries and lack of supplies begin to take their toll as they wait to be rescued.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **We do not own or have any rights to Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters.

**Note: **This is the second story by Merlin71 and Titan5. We hope you enjoy!

Silent Sacrifice - Chapter 1

"I'm sorry, I just have a hard time picturing our Teyla as a bridesmaid. I'm getting this mental image of her in a long flowing gown and a P90 hanging around her neck while carrying a bouquet of flowers with a knife hidden in the middle." Rodney crossed his arms forcefully and glared at the others in the jumper, as if that somehow emphasized his point.

John, who happened to be swallowing when McKay presented his view of Teyla as a bridesmaid, started out laughing and ended up choking. He coughed and sputtered while trying to keep his eyes open and guide the jumper. Rodney leaned over from the co-pilot's seat and slapped him soundly on the back.

"Stop," he choked out between coughs, frowning in concentration as well as annoyance.

"McKay, you aren't allowed to talk to him while he's flying any more," said Ronon from the seat directly behind Rodney.

Rodney rolled his eyes as he sighed loudly. "It's not my fault he can't laugh and fly at the same time, although I probably should have guessed. I feel sure he can't walk and chew gum either."

"What's gum?"

Rodney shook his head. "Never mind. Point is, he isn't smart enough to multi-task and I should have figured that out by now."

"McKay!" said John forcefully, now that he was able to breathe again. "Since you're supposed to be a genius, I would think you would know that slapping someone on the back when they're choking does _not_ help."

Rodney smiled smugly. "I know."

John narrowed his eyes and slid them sideways to look at Rodney without turning his head. "It's a good thing for you I'm flying this bird right now."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Rodney waved his hand limply toward Sheppard.

"Of course, I won't be flying it forever."

Rodney frowned and snuck a look at John, trying to discern how angry he was. He let out his breath as he decided John mostly just looked annoyed. They still had about an hour until they reached their destination and Sheppard would probably have forgotten by then.

Rodney turned and looked at the cargo hold in the back. Both sides were filled with boxes of supplies and equipment. One of the other teams had come through the space gate to this system and done a preliminary scan of the planets some time ago. Three planets, well, actually two planets and one moon, had proven habitable on some level and they were here to check them out for civilizations, power sources, or signs of Ancient ruins. They had planned to be gone a week, just the three of them since Teyla was tied up helping a childhood friend with her wedding. Dubbing it boys week out, they had brought several frivolous things to do at night to pass the time.

"Are you sure you brought enough food?"

John sighed. "Yes, Rodney, I brought enough food. I loaded up enough MREs for three people for a week, then I remembered you and Ronon were coming, so I threw in enough for almost another week. We also have power bars and a few candy bars." John sat there for several seconds and then frowned. "You're right, I should have brought more food."

"Very funny, Colonel. It's not our fault we have a _healthy_ appetite, unlike _some_ people I know."

"Actually, I'm the one with the healthy appetite, or at least normal-sized," retorted John. When Ronon grunted, John added, "Okay, Ronon, you do work yours off."

"I work mine off," argued Rodney. "I just work in more of an intellectual capacity."

The jumper suddenly lurched forward and slightly sideways for a few seconds, followed by a loss of power that resulted in the jumper hardly moving at all. John checked the controls frantically. "What the . . . McKay, what's going on?"

Rodney jumped up and headed for the overhead panel in the back. "How should I know, I'm not the one driving," he replied as he pulled the panel down and began to look at crystals. The jumper suddenly lurched again, throwing him to one side against a stack of boxes.

"Rodney, you okay back there?" asked Sheppard, fighting for control of the ship

Rodney righted himself and grabbed the edge of the panel for support in case of another sudden movement. "Just peachy, Colonel, but could you try driving in a straight line?"

"Working on it McKay."

Rodney worked with the crystals in the panel for several minutes before dropping his jaw. "Colonel, what jumper are we in?"

"Uh, jumper five. Most of the other jumpers were still tied up with the maintenance and repair thing."

Rodney sighed and plopped down on the nearest box. "We are so screwed."

John dared a look back at Rodney. "What do you mean by that? McKay, what's going on?"

"You know that new guy that just arrived on the Daedalus about three weeks ago, Dr. Agnew?"

"No," said John and Ronon together. The jumper suddenly careened to one side, almost throwing its passengers to the floor. Once it righted itself, Rodney continued.

"Well, he's a menace. He thinks he's found a way to increase the power to the jumpers."

"Really?" asked John, his eyebrows shooting up in interest.

"Down, Tim, it won't work."

"Who's Tim?" asked Ronon.

"Character on one of those TV shows we were telling you about. He always wanted stuff to have more power," explained John. "The show was called Home Improvement and –"

"Colonel, could we stay focused on the situation at hand?" interrupted Rodney. "Anyway, I told him it wouldn't work, but the jerk thinks he knows everything and that he's always right. You can't imagine having to work with someone like that."

Ronon and John exchanged a look, which Rodney missed since he had resumed working with the crystals in the control panel.

"Well, he was helping pull maintenance on Jumper five and it looks like he's installed his new system. Unfortunately, instead of increasing the power uniformly, it's causing the alternate power surge followed by a power drain."

"Not to mention a certain loss of control. Can you fix it?" asked John, almost holding his breath as he waited for the answer.

"Of course I can fix it." John exhaled slowly in relief. "At least I could if I had about four hours and the proper tools."

"McKay!" John could feel that he was steadily loosing more and more control of the jumper functions. "Okay, I'm going to try to set down on the nearest planet."

McKay looked nervously at the planet slowly increasing in size as they drew nearer. "Shouldn't we try to make it back to the stargate?"

"No, we'll never make it. We'll do good to get down on this planet in one piece. I'd suggest everyone find a secure place to sit."

Rodney came forward and returned to the seat next to Sheppard. He could feel the fear rising up in his throat as they headed down toward the ground.

John was fighting the controls with both his mind and his hands. Neither seemed to be having a great effect. As the ground loomed closer, his heart dropped. The whole area was mountainous and full of trees. He didn't see a clear or flat spot anywhere, much less close enough to take advantage of. "Hang on, this is going to be rough."

As they neared the ground, he saw a small clearing. It wasn't large enough, but it gave him a place to start. He knew they were coming in way too fast, but he had lost virtually all control of the ship. He tried pulling the nose up as they plowed into the ground, digging up a trench as they went. The area was full of rocks and trees and the ground was at an incline perpendicular to his line of travel. They bumped along as they hit rocks and stumps and tilted wildly to the right on the inclined slope. And then they were in the trees, the jumper being tossed and bounced around violently as it ricocheted off the surrounding timber.

John was aware of the sound of crunching metal and things flying around the jumper as he was flung around himself, until his head made contact with the console and then he was aware of nothing.

oOo

John opened his eyes and then closed them again, the bright light increasing the stabbing pain in his head. He tried again, but more slowly, letting himself get used to the light a little at a time. He lay there for several minutes, staring at the ceiling as he tried to gather his thoughts. His whole body seemed to ache, but his head and ribs were screaming the loudest. The surface below him was hard and bumpy, so he wasn't in the infirmary even if he felt like he probably belonged there. He lifted his head a couple of inches, but the ensuing pain and the graying vision convinced him quickly to lay back down. He gave it another minute and tried again with more success.

He realized he was in a jumper, but it didn't look right. Glancing around, he finally figured out what was wrong. The jumper was lying on its side. He tried to sit up, but a stabbing pain in his right side stopped him. He settled for rolling over to his left until he could get his knees under him. He stopped for a second, panting against the pain and letting the wave of dizziness pass. They had crashed. With sudden panic, he remembered Rodney and Ronon had been in the jumper with him when it went down. Staggering to his feet, he stood with his mouth open, stunned. The whole back hatch of the jumper was gone, almost like someone had come at them with a giant can opener.

"Rodney! Ronon!" He stepped forward, the floor littered with boxes and supplies. He stopped suddenly when he heard something that sounded like a moan. "Rodney, is that you?"

He began flinging boxes and materials away from the area where he thought the sound had come from. He finally came to a tuft of hair. Rodney. He pulled and yanked, oblivious to the pain it caused in his side, until he had Rodney uncovered. A large gash stretched across most of his forehead and disappeared into his hairline on the right side of his head. Blood was smeared on his face and in his hair. The wound was still oozing blood, but John was relieved to find a good pulse on the physicist.

"Rodney, wake up buddy. Can you hear me?" John gently patted him on the cheek, causing him to groan at the motion it produced in his head.

"Sssstop," Rodney slurred, trying to make his eyes open so he could see what was attacking him.

"Take it easy, Rodney, it's just me, Sheppard. We crashed."

"Ya think?" Rodney managed to slit his eyes enough to see a blurry Colonel Sheppard kneeled down beside him. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, just the usual bumps and bruises you'd expect in a full-fledged jumper crash. Don't try to move too much. You have a head injury and I need to clean and bandage it. What else hurts besides your head?"

Rodney was silent for several seconds, leading John to wonder if the man had passed back out. "McKay?"

Rodney fluttered his eyelids a bit. "I'm awake." He shifted his arms and legs a bit, trying to see if pain told him anything was broken or possibly seriously damaged. "Ohhhh, that hurts."

"What, what hurts?" John leaned forward, trying to tell where Rodney was hurting.

"Back, I think I wrenched my back." Rodney's face was twisted in a grimace and he was breathing through gritted teeth.

John's breath caught in his throat. "Your back? Rodney, do you think you could have an injury to your spine?"

Rodney continued to breathe shallowly for several seconds and then seemed to relax a bit as the pain eased. "No, nothing like that. It's a muscle injury, I'm pretty sure. I can feel my legs okay and everything. I hurt my back rearranging my lab a few years ago and it felt a lot like this."

John sighed in relief. "Okay, that we can manage." He looked around and saw the medical kit, tossed on the floor a few feet from where he kneeled. He got up to retrieve it and immediately fell back to his knees as the jumper seemed to tilt wildly to one side. It took a few seconds for him to realize it was him and not the jumper. Snagging the kit, he crawled back over to Rodney, clenching his jaw against the pain in right side. Opening the bag, he pulled out a field bandage and unwrapped it. He pressed it down to Rodney's head and then put Rodney's hand on top of it.

"Hold that for a minute. Since you aren't dying any time soon, I need to find Ronon and see how badly he's injured."

"How do you know I'm not dying?" asked Rodney as John pulled himself to his feet using the stacks of debris around them.

"Pilot's intuition," he said as he began looking around the back of the jumper. As he neared the opening in the back, he let his gaze wander outside. He almost did a double take at the sight of Ronon lying on the ground about thirty feet behind the jumper.

"Ronon!" John called as he ran through the new opening. He had only gone a few steps when his feet seemed to get tangled up and he went sprawling across the dirt, jarring his aching head and ribs. He lay face down in the dirt for several seconds as the world around him swam. _Have to check Ronon_, he thought. Pulling himself together, he got up and walked toward the limp form before him.

"Ronon?" He squatted down beside the Satedan and put a hand on his shoulder. Ronon lay on his back, arms sprawled to his sides. The first thing was to check Ronon's pulse and John found it strong and steady. He then looked the big man over for signs of injury. His upper body looked okay, but John almost gagged when he looked at his left leg. The foot was laying at an odd angle to the rest of the leg and John knew that meant he needed to tap his memory on setting broken bones. He figured it was best if he did it while Ronon was unconscious.

John first made his way back over to the jumper to check on Rodney. He carefully picked his way through the scattered boxes and supplies until he had reached Rodney's side. "How are you holding up?" He already knew the answer, he could see the pain in Rodney's eyes.

"Just wonderful, Colonel. Nothing like being pampered and tended to."

"Sorry," John said sheepishly. "Can you hold on for a few more minutes? Ronon's leg is broken and I'd like to set it while he's out. Save him at least a little pain."

Rodney started to come back with a sarcastic retort, but then he thought about the time he had broken his leg and how much it hurt in a hospital with pain medication. This was definitely no hospital and there wouldn't be help any time soon. "Yeah, go ahead. I'll be all right. It might be kind of dangerous to set it while he's awake."

John smiled. "Thanks, Rodney. I'll be back to take care of you, I promise." He grabbed the medical kit in case there was something he could use and headed out of the jumper. Rodney's voice stopped him.

"Hey, Colonel. How are you the only one not injured? It's usually the other way around."

John started to shrug his shoulders, but it pulled on his ribs too much. "Just lucky this time. I guess I was due." He turned and walked quickly toward Ronon.

It took several minutes to find two sturdy sticks and clean the side branches off them. After straightening Ronon's leg, which resulted in the man moaning deeply, he used field bandages to secure the leg to the homemade splint. He discovered a rather nasty cut on the leg as he worked and cleaned and bandaged it as well. By the time he was finished, Ronon was beginning to stir.

"Ronon, it's Sheppard. Don't try to move, just lay still." He held his hand firmly on Ronon's shoulder to discourage him if he tried to sit up. Ronon gave a low moan as his eyelids fluttered open.

"Sheppard?"

John leaned over so he was in Ronon's field of view without the man having to move. "I'm here. Do you remember what happened?"

Ronon closed his eyes a second as he rubbed his head. "Jumper crashed?"

John smiled and let out a deep breath. "Yeah, we crashed. You broke your leg, so don't try moving around. I've got it set and immobilized as best I can. How about the rest of you?"

Ronon took a deep breath and moved his head over a little to see Sheppard better. "I think I'm okay other than the leg. That's the only thing that hurts very badly."

"Okay, good. I need you to stay put while I go check on McKay. He's in the jumper with a head injury and a wrenched back, at least I hope it's just a wrenched back."

Ronon nodded. "Don't think I'm going anywhere."

"Okay, I'll be back as soon as I can. You can see the jumper from here." He nodded toward the jumper, upping the stabbing pain in his temples. Trying to ignore it, he continued. "Just yell if you need me."

Ronon winced as he twisted enough he could see the jumper. "What happened to it? Where's the back hatch?"

John followed his gaze to the damaged ship. "I have no idea. We lost it somewhere on this hill. Unfortunately, we lost some of our supplies through it too. Guess after I get you guys settled, I'll see how much I can find. I'm mostly concerned about the food and water. They won't miss us for a couple of days, and then they won't have any idea where to start looking, so we could be here a while."

As they looked at the jumper, a creaking noise came loudly from the craft and it shifted slightly on the hill. At that moment, John noticed the partially overturned craft was leaning against two small saplings that were beginning to bend under the weight. John jumped to his feet, swaying for a moment before he could move. As he took off for the jumper, a voice called to him from inside.

He entered the back of the ship as gently as he could and made his way over to Rodney. "McKay, we have to get you out of here."

"No joke, Sherlock. Help me up."

John leaned over and pulled Rodney's arm around his neck. Lifting the man as he groaned and hissed, he moved as quickly as he dared to get him out of the jumper. Rodney was so dizzy, he leaned heavily against John and concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. Every time he lifted a leg, pain shot through his lower back. By the time John led him through the open back of the jumper, he was almost dead weight, his vision gray at the edges and blurring everywhere else. They got a few feet from the jumper when he moaned loudly and leaned over, vomiting in the dirt and leaves.

Fortunately they stopped next to a tree and John was able to lean against it for support as he listened to Rodney throw up and fought the nausea that had plagued him for the last hour. He finally directed Rodney to a tree near Ronon and helped him sit down. They all turned at the sound of creaking metal.

"The supplies!" cried John. He ran for the jumper and disappeared inside as both Ronon and Rodney called to him to come back. They watched with mouths open as the jumper creaked and tilted, the saplings supporting it bent almost to the ground. They both shouted at him to get out of the jumper. John came into view a few seconds later with his hands full of packs and MREs. The jumper shifted and began to roll as John stepped out of the open rear hatch, knocking him to the ground. The craft narrowly missed him as it rolled out of sight. They heard it crashing through the trees as it rolled down the hill, followed by a long pause and then a huge crashing sound far below.

"Sheppard!" called Ronon. Rodney shifted positions, thinking he would get up to check on the colonel, until the screaming pain in his back stopped him. He sat panting and looked over at Ronon to see that he had managed to sit up. A few seconds later, John rolled over and pulled himself to his knees. He rubbed his head and sat looking at the dropped supplies for a while, almost as if he was confused. Then he got up and staggered back over to his two injured teammates.

"That was possibly the most stupid thing I've ever seen anyone do. Have you never heard that you don't go back in a burning building?" Rodney was red in the face, filled with fury and worry.

John frowned a little as he looked at him. "It wasn't on fire."

"It's a saying, Colonel. It applied to jumpers on the verge of rolling down hillsides just as well as burning buildings." Rodney looked at John in anger for another moment before the dazed look in the colonel's eyes got his attention. "Are you okay? Maybe you should sit down or something."

John rolled his shoulders and tried to shake the disorientation he felt. He had to focus. He had two injured friends, nowhere to stay, and very few supplies. Best case scenario was they wouldn't be rescued for several days. He had a lot of work to do.

"I'm fine. Rodney, the first thing is to get your head fixed."

"Are you sure that's possible?" asked Ronon.

"Oh, very funny. This from the one-legged man," shot Rodney.

"Okay, girls, that's enough. You're not helping my headache." John dug through the medical pack that he had left sitting by Ronon and got out the supplies he needed to clean and bandage Rodney's head. Once he got him fixed up, the next order of business would be to find a sheltered place for them to stay and then round up all the supplies he could find. He paused a second to look down the trail they had left in the side of the hill. He could tell there wasn't much there, but it looked like there were a few things he could gather together. He wasn't sure how long they had until dark, but he had a lot of work to do. He ignored his aching head and ribs and the rolling of his stomach.

When he finished with Rodney, John moved Ronon so he could sit under an adjacent tree. Ronon gritted his teeth during the move, but didn't utter a sound. John and Rodney were both impressed because they both knew how much it had to have hurt.

John squatted between the two men and placed two bottles of water, two MREs, and two powerbars on the ground within easy reach. "Okay, guys, I've got to look for some kind of shelter and I'm not sure how long it will take. I do know we don't need to get too carried away with the food and water until we see how much I can salvage, but I'm leaving you enough to tide you over until I get back. I won't stay gone too long. Can you two look after each other while I'm gone, and that means not killing one another?"

"We'll be good, Sheppard. Just hurry," Ronon grumbled.

"We'll be fine, we aren't children," said Rodney.

"It's hard to tell sometimes. I'm also leaving some Tylenol. That's all I could find so far, so it'll have to do." John pointed to the package of pills lying beside the food. "Okay, I'll see you guys later."

John stood up and almost immediately swayed to one side until he lost his balance and fell, landing with a grunt on the hard ground. "Shoot," he muttered, trying to get his hands underneath him so he could push himself up.

"Sheppard?" Ronon growled, sitting up so he could see Sheppard.

"I'm okay, stood up too fast, that's all." John got up on his knees and stopped, letting the wave of dizziness pass as his head suddenly felt like it was going to explode. After a few seconds, the rushing in his ears died down and the pain ebbed back to a manageable level.

"Colonel, maybe you should sit down for a minute. You don't look so good." Rodney was beginning realize that Sheppard looked a little pale and his eyes a little too dull.

John pushed himself to his feet and this time retained his sense of balance. "No, I'm good. I told you, I got up too fast. Major head rush is all. You guys stay put and I'll be back as soon as I can." He flashed his lop-sided grin at the two in an effort to show them that he was okay. "_Someone_ has to do the work around here while you two lie around and get waited on."

"In that case, get moving or my dinner will be late," quipped Rodney, trying to smile as he swallowed against the throbbing in his head and his back.

John moved his hand in a couple of forward circles as he bowed just slightly. "Yes, master. Your wish is my command." He turned and walked up the slope toward the direction the jumper had come from. He figured that way he could inventory lost supplies as he went and pick them up on the way back. He also thought he might have seen a cave as they whizzed by the mountain, and he wanted to check it out. Shortly after he was far enough away to be out of sight and hearing, he gave up fighting the nausea and hung his arm around a tree trunk as he retched until he could barely stand. Taking the top off his water bottle, he rinsed his mouth and then took a sip of water. This could be a long week . . . at least he hoped it was only a week.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Note:** Thank you for all the reviews! They're better than chocolate! This chapter would have been posted a LONG time ago, but ffnet had other ideas, like not letting me load any documents. I apologize for the delay.

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 2 

It took John almost an hour to find the cave he had briefly seen from the air. He followed the trench dug by the jumper for a while, collecting scattered supplies into piles as he went. Eventually he came to the rear hatch, mangled and torn, partially wrapped around a tree. When he ran out of trench to follow, he just walked in the general direction he thought they had come from. The cave sat about fifty feet farther up the hill. The path he plotted to get up the hill was rocky and uneven, difficult traveling even when you didn't have a broken leg or wrenched back.

The cave was approximately eighteen feet deep and twelve feet wide, almost in an oval shape. The opening was similar in width to the average door, but a bit shorter. There was plenty of head room inside, as the ceiling seemed to be about eight feet tall. The floor was relatively flat and covered in a thick layer of dirt. Sheppard smiled as he stood in the doorway. This should offer some good protection against the elements until the cavalry arrived. Now all he had to do was get Ronon and Rodney and all their supplies up here. His whole body ached and his headache pounded away, but he couldn't let himself think about that now, he still had work to do.

Sheppard picked up the pace as he neared the place where he had left Ronon and Rodney. He was suddenly worried about the length of time he had left them alone. As he passed through the trees, their two forms sitting under the trees came into view. Relief flooded in for a brief moment. He didn't let himself think about what really could have happened during his scouting trip. Rodney's eyes were closed and it occurred to John they should have been keeping him awake because of his head injury. A surge of panic replaced his momentary relief, causing him to move more quickly until he was kneeling beside the scientist.

"Rodney!"

Rodney opened his eyes and looked at John for several seconds. "Hey. Where's Elizabeth?"

Fear clutched at John's stomach. "She's back in Atlantis, remember? Rodney, do you remember who I am? Do you remember what happened?" He could see Ronon in his peripheral vision, watching them.

Rodney yawned. "Oh yeah, back in Atlantis. You're Colonel Sheppard, aka, the man who crashes jumpers."

John looked a little relieved. "Yeah, that's me. How's your headache and your back?"

Rodney rubbed his face as he became more aware of his surroundings. "They haven't gone anywhere. Believe it or not, I wish Carson was here. Actually, not so much that Carson was here, but that we were there, back in Atlantis."

John smiled and nodded slightly. "Yeah, me too." He turned and looked at Ronon. "So, how are you holding up?"

Ronon just nodded. "I'm okay."

John knew he wasn't really okay, but figured it meant that he wasn't in so much pain that he couldn't handle it. "Okay, guys, I've got good news and bad news; the good news is that I found a cave we can set up camp in. It should give us some protection against the weather and keep our supplies relatively safe; no resident wildlife, room to stand up – all in all not a bad home away from home under the circumstances. The problem is going to be getting you up there. It's quite a walk and the ground is pretty uneven and rocky between here and there."

Rodney watched him speak, but John's stomach was sinking watching Rodney try owlishly to keep tracking what he was hearing.

"It's the option we have. We'll have to make it happen." Ronon told them. Though John could detect the tiredness in his voice, as ever he new Ronon still had gas in the tank.

John nodded, turning his attention to Ronon. "I'm thinking I'll move Rodney about halfway, then let him rest while I come back and get you. Then I can move Rodney the rest of the way while you rest, get McKay in situ, and then finish moving you to the cave. When you guys are all set, I'll need to come back and collect the supplies I stacked up along the way."

Neither man looked very happy about having to be moved that far, but no one said anything because they knew it was necessary. John looked down at the supplies he had left between them. The MREs were still there, but the power bars had been eaten. "Do you guys need to eat something before we move?"

Rodney grimaced. "No, I don't think it would stay down very long. The only reason I ate the power bar is because he threatened me." Rodney motioned toward Ronon with his hand.

Ronon grunted. "I don't want you getting hyper . . . hyping . . . "

"Hypoglycemic," John and Rodney said in unison.

"Yeah, that. I knew you needed to eat."

Rodney sighed and leaned his head back against the tree trunk. "Well, I appreciate the sentiment, but eating while you're nauseous is not always the best idea. Having to heave it up won't help me any."

"Rodney, do you think you can walk a little if I help you?" asked John.

Rodney dreaded the movement and the pain it would bring. While his head and back still hurt, he had managed to find a position that seemed to minimize the pain and he really hated to give it up. On the other hand, he didn't want to spend the night out here under a tree. "I guess, if I must."

John gave a supportive pat on the leg and grinned. "You must." He knelt beside Rodney and slipped his hand around Rodney's waist as Rodney put his arm around John's neck. John stood with Rodney leaning on him as well as steadying himself against the tree trunk.

When they were standing, Rodney moaned and began to list to one side. John tightened his grip as Rodney fought the dizziness and graying vision. Several seconds later, he felt himself steady as his vision cleared. "Wow, talk about a head rush. That was bizarre."

"You ready?" asked John, watching him carefully as he tried to assess his condition.

"Yeah, as ready as I'll ever be. Let's do it before I change my mind."

John nodded and looked down at Ronon. "I'll be back in a bit to get you."

Ronon waved him off. "I'll be fine. Just go carefully."

"Okay, Rodney, we're moving." John stepped forward and Rodney followed, grimacing at the pain that shot through his back. They walked for half an hour before John lowered Rodney to the ground, leaning him against a tree. "Okay, I think this is about half way," he panted.

Both were breathing heavily and covered in sweat from the effort. Every step had been painful for Rodney and dizziness had come and gone every few minutes. John handed Rodney a bottle of water. "Drink some, but not too much and not too fast or you'll make yourself sick."

Rodney took the bottle and made himself drink slowly. "Did . . . we bring . . . those Tylenol?"

John reached into one of his vest pockets and pulled out a small package. "Just so happens I have some."

Rodney took the package and began opening it. "Good. I'm going to fantasize that this is morphine. Hope my imagination is still working." He popped the pills into his mouth and washed them down with a drink of water. Looking up, he eyed John. "What about you? Are you sure you're okay enough to be able to help both of us up to that cave?"

John took a deep breath and smiled. "Sure, piece of cake. Will you be okay while I get Ronon?"

"I don't have much choice, do I?" He looked up to see John looking at him expectantly and noticed how tired the man looked. "I'm fine, just go get Ronon."

John nodded and turned back the way they had just come. He zoned out for a bit, just concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other until he heard Ronon's voice rumble.

"Sheppard, where are you going?"

He stopped and looked around, realizing he had almost walked right past the former runner. He shook his head in an attempt to focus, but only succeeded in making his head ache worse. "Sorry, guess my head was somewhere else."

Ronon frowned at him, but decided not to say anything more about it. "If you can find me a stick, I can help support my weight better."

John nodded and looked around under the trees for several minutes before finding one large enough. He broke off the side branches and the narrow tip, so that only the thick part of the limb was left and it was about the right size. He brought it over to Ronon and helped him stand. They finally worked out a system of Ronon leaning partly on John and partly on the stick so that he could keep most all of his weight off his leg.

Ronon never cried out, but he grunted a few times when he accidentally put too much weight on his injured leg. John tried to go slowly and carefully, knowing the Satedan was in agony. Unfortunately, the lurching gait they were using was jarring his bruised ribs and making him nauseous all over again, as well as stirring up the remnant feelings of dizziness. His courage was waning and his belief in his own ability to pull this off was fading fast. He was just about to tell Ronon he couldn't make it any farther when he saw Rodney up ahead, sitting under the tree. Gritting his teeth and steadying his hold on Ronon, they made it to the tree next to Rodney.

John got out another water bottle and package of Tylenol and handed them to Ronon. Taking a sip from his own water, he slid down a third tree and rested his back against the trunk. His head throbbed and the muscles in his arms and shoulders burned. He leaned his forearms on his knees, letting his head hang down. The nausea increased as he felt the unsteadiness in his shaking hands. He couldn't let himself do an inventory on his battered body yet, not yet. Wiping the sweat from his face, he turned to Rodney.

"Just let me catch my breath and we'll get you to the cave."

"You need to rest a while first. You look exhausted," Rodney offered.

John shook his head. "I don't know how long we have until dark and I definitely don't want to try going up and down that hill at night. Just give me a minute and I'll be okay."

Five minutes later they were up and moving. It took another forty-five minutes to get Rodney up to the cave. The distance wasn't any farther, but the slope was steeper, especially the last twenty feet to the cave. It quickly got narrow and uneven and they had to walk sideways so that John could still help support Rodney. Rodney lost his footing once and nearly took them both over the precipice.

Once inside the cave, Rodney was glad they had made the trip. "Not bad accommodations, Sheppard. If we have to live in miserable, primitive, barbaric conditions, we could do a lot worse. You could have picked a place a little more accessible though."

John didn't reply as he slid the pack off his back that he had picked up on the way to the cave. Checking the contents of the bag, he set them out against the back wall of the cave. "Looks like we have four MREs and a few bottles of water in this one." He picked up the empty pack and slung it over his shoulder. "Do you need anything else before I go get Ronon?" He gazed down at Rodney, mentally ticking off water, food, and Tylenol.

"No, I'm okay. Shouldn't you rest first?"

"No time. I'll rest later."

"Why are you taking an empty backpack?"

"To carry the loose supplies that fell out of boxes. I'll gather some up and carry them back as I bring Ronon. That'll be less stuff to get later."

"Oh, I guess that makes sense. Just . . . be careful. That path is treacherous and don't crap with me Sheppard, you know I know you're starting to get tired."

"I'm okay. I'll be back with Ronon in a little while. I have to do this Rodney, who knows what kind of nocturnal pets this planet has . . . I just don't want to have to meet one with my hands full and be in the dark."

Rodney sighed, nodding his grudging agreement. He knew Sheppard was right, but it didn't stop him worrying about the pilot.

An hour and a half later, he was back with Ronon. Getting Ronon up the steep part of the hill proved even more difficult than the trip with Rodney. Ronon was bigger, heavier, and very unsteady on his feet from the pain of constantly bumping his leg. By the time John got him into the cave, Ronon was panting and sweating and extremely dizzy. John barely got him seated before the man's good leg gave out from under him. John crouched on the balls of his feet, catching his own breath for a couple of minutes before he was able to get the water out for Ronon.

John set the two packs he had brought down and began to dig through one of them. Finding what he was looking for, he turned to the injured teammates next to him. "I have some good news for you big guy. I grabbed the med kit and we have a few field doses of morphine."

Rodney looked indignant. "What do you mean good news for Ronon? What about me?"

John shook his head. "Not tonight, head injury, remember? I get to wake you up every two hours."

"That was hours ago," McKay whined.

"Not long enough. I want the two of you to try and eat something, too. I can fix you an MRE before I go collect what supplies I can find."

Ronon shook his head. "Not for me. Maybe when you get back, but my stomach isn't too happy right now."

John turned to Rodney. "What about you?"

Rodney seemed to be considering it for a moment, but then shook his head. "No, I'll wait too. I'm not really hungry right now."

"Okay, but you both eat when I get back. I'll try to hurry."

"Don't!" his two team mates snapped in unison, making John smirk gently before Ronon continued for the two of them.

"Watch you're footing – you're tiring and the light is fading. If we don't retrieve the supplies tonight, then that's how it's to be. We can't reach you if you lose your footing on the precipice."

"Yeah, what he said." Rodney pointed at Ronon, turning the full glare of his blue eyes on John.

"I know guys, I know, trust me; I don't want to be having any more accidents today . . . but we need those supplies. What we've got here ain't gonna cut it . . . but I _will_ be careful." John nodded, the humor of the situation evaporating. Even though their plight was definitely on the bad side of "not that good", he felt owned; these were his team mates, his family, and it occurred to him just how much he had started to feel that he belonged.

John left the cave and walked back to where they had started, noting the supplies he found on the way. He then began packaging and collecting the supplies on his way back. He ended up not being able to carry everything, so he took what he could to the cave and checked on Rodney and Ronon. He then walked back to the place where he had left off collecting supplies and began gathering things up to take back to the cave.

By the time he was almost back to the cave, it was dark. He was exhausted and his whole body hurt, his muscles burning and shaking with the exertion of the day. He stumbled along in the dark until he finally lost his balance and felt himself falling.

John opened his eyes to an MRE about three inches in front of his face. He lay there looking at it for several seconds before he realized what it was. He then wondered why he had climbed in bed with a prepackaged meal. Lifting his head against the groaning muscles in his arms, he looked around and remembered where he was. Crap, how long had he been out? He hurriedly grabbed the scattered supplies, stuffing them back in the bag they had fallen out of. Picking up the rest of the gear, he headed back to the cave.

"Where have you been?" asked Rodney sharply as soon as he stepped foot in the cave. "We would have sent out a search party, but neither of us can walk on our own right now."

"Sorry," Sheppard mumbled. "I got turned around in the dark," he lied. He dug around in one of the packs until he found a flashlight. "I'll get you something to eat." He stacked and arranged the MREs against the back wall of the cave. "Okay, we have eighteen MREs." He called out the different varieties and then grabbed the ones they requested.

"What about you?" asked Rodney.

"I'll get something later. While you guys eat, I'm going to grab some wood and start a fire." Neither of them had said anything, but John was well aware that the night air had chilled and that their limited mobility would hamper their efforts to stay warm. Although he had managed to find a blanket, he knew that a shared blanket wouldn't be enough to keep them all warm.

Rodney's mouth dropped open. "You can't go out there now."

"Why not?" asked John as he grabbed a second flashlight from one of the packs.

"It's dark and if you don't fall to your death, you'll probably get eaten by mountain lions or bears or something equally dangerous. And then Ronon and I will starve to death because there won't be anyone to take care of us."

John snorted. "I'm not going to die and you'll be fine. If I don't come back, you have eighteen, or rather sixteen MREs, some power bars, and . . . quite a few bottles of water. If you run out of water, I think there's a stream a couple of miles from here."

"Don't even think about talking like you're not coming back! How are we supposed to walk two miles when we can't go two feet?"

John grinned through the grime and dirt on his face. "I'm not going to die, McKay. I'm just going to get some wood. I'll be back in a minute to tuck the two of you in."

"He'll be fine," said Ronon, waving his plastic fork at Rodney. "Sheppard's a big boy; he can take care of himself."

"Yeah, right." Rodney settled back against the rock wall of the cave, but he still didn't look convinced.

John used the flashlight to carefully pick his way down the hill. He knew he was tired and hurting, so he took extra care choosing his steps. Rodney had been right about one thing, they needed him to be okay if they were to survive. He had to keep it together for at least a week.

He stood in the dark for several minutes, just contemplating their situation. Then he slowly began to gather wood. He made two trips to ensure he had enough to last the night. As soon as he got back to the cave with the second load, he went about starting a fire, getting it close enough to provide heat without being a danger. He also made sure it was where most of the smoke would vent out the opening to the cave. It didn't take long before the cave began to warm and his injured comrades began to get sleepy. They were all exhausted from the events of the day. He helped them out of the cave one at a time to relieve themselves, and then settled them close together where they could share the blanket. When they were tucked in, he gave Ronon a dose of morphine so he could get some sleep.

"Are you really going to wake me every two hours?" asked Rodney quietly.

"Yes, I am. Beckett will have my hide when we get out of here if I don't."

"I won't tell if you'd rather . . . " Rodney yawned. " . . . let me sleep."

John smiled as he sat down and leaned back against the cave wall. "Go to sleep, Rodney."

A few minutes later, the gentle snores told him that both of his charges were asleep. He watched the fire, wondering if he dared sleep and just hope he woke in two hours. He finally decided he couldn't trust himself to wake up, especially as tired as he was. He'd stay awake for the first couple of checks and then, if everything looked okay, he might try to catch a few winks himself.

He looked woefully at their meager stack of supplies. Sixteen MREs wouldn't last very long. He knew Rodney and Ronon needed them more than he did. If he let them have two a day, they wouldn't last the week. He could get by on an occasional power bar.

Realistically, it could easily take even longer than a week to get rescued. The plan had been for them to spend two days per planet, with check-ins every time they took off to change planets. They could open the gate from space to make contact, since the gate was in orbit around one of the planets. When they missed their first check in, Elizabeth would probably send a team to look for them, but they wouldn't know which planet they were on or where to find them on the planet. Scanning an entire planet for life signs could take a while. If any of the planets had people, they'd have to land and scout it out to figure out they weren't there. He hoped they would start with this planet, but the chances of that were slim.

He had to start planning like they would be here longer that a week, just in case. That meant limiting the MREs and finding something to supplement their food. He could probably find some roots or berries to collect. He knew there was a stream close by so water wouldn't be a problem, other than hauling it up to the cave. He wasn't going to think about that right now though; in a day or two he'd be stronger. He just needed to rest and he'd be ok to keep going.

He watched the fire crackle and was surprised at how much comfort it provided. He had removed his jacket earlier, when he was hot from moving people and supplies up to the cave. The night air was beginning to chill him, though, in spite of the fire, so he put his jacket back on and pulled it tight around him. He was pretty sure he had felt every muscle while carrying out the small task. He was probably as tired as he ever remembered being. Leaning forward, he poked the fire with a stick, pushing the wood into a tighter array so that the heat would last longer. He felt heartened that at least the wood he had found was managing to burn for a decent amount of time. He tried not to think about having to go and find more if this lot burned out too quickly.

Ronon groaned in his sleep as he shifted under the blanket, causing Rodney to shift and mutter something about numbskull help. John's mouth turned up in a small smile as he watched the sleeping pair. He could do this. He had to keep them safe until a rescue team arrived and that was exactly what he planned to do, no matter what it took to do it. He was getting them out alive, if it was the last thing he did.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Note:** Thank you so much for the feedback – you guys are totally great, as always.

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**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 3**

He felt himself dozing off, so John got to his feet and started pacing. He had already awakened Rodney twice, but the last time hadn't been so easy so he was determined to stay awake for another two hour check. And just to reassure himself, he kept taking Rodney's pulse every fifteen minutes or so. He did the same for Ronon. The Satedan seemed to be deeply asleep, but he was prone to twitching and mumbling in his sleep and John could tell from the lines of pain etched around his mouth and grooving deep into his forehead, that Ronon was still hurting. But they had to be careful with their supplies, which meant John could do little to ease either man's suffering.

Which bothered him more than he would have liked. He knew that what had happened to them wasn't his fault, that blame could be laid firmly on Dr. Agnew's shoulders and John fully intended to kick the man's ass when they got back to Atlantis. Which led him to thoughts of Elizabeth. In truth he was hoping her intuition had kicked in early and a rescue team was little more than hours away from finding them. A pipe dream, John knew, but it gave him something to look forward to, a goal to reach out for.

Glancing at his watch, John groaned silently to see that he had another hour to kill before waking Rodney again. He considered trying to take another bite of the powerbar he had stashed in his pocket, but his attempts at the first two bites during the course of the past four hours hadn't gone very well. In fact they had sent John out of the cave to puke in a bush both times.

The cave was very warm and John was feeling overheated which, in turn, made him feel nauseous without the benefit of food in his stomach, so he wandered outside again. The night air was chilly, but it felt good against his heated skin. Moving carefully he lowered himself to the ground, resting his back against an outcropping that was situated in such a way that he could turn his head and peek into the cave to see his sleeping companions. So John allowed himself to relax as much as he could, trying to pull in deep breaths, but his aching ribs protested the movement, so he settled for lifting his face into the cool breeze and humming to himself.

For the past five hours he had amused himself by humming Johnny Cash songs, but even he was growing tired of the repetition. Still, it was better than doing math in his head. Normally that would prove a good distraction, but tonight pain throbbed in his temples and any intense concentration made the pain spike. So he settled for meaningless humming to soothe him, yet keep him awake.

Just before the hour passed, John slipped away into the brightening dawn, and found a little sheltered area to relieve himself. That done he headed back inside the cave, grabbing a packet of wipes and using one to clean his hands before checking Ronon again. The Satedan was still sleeping deeply, so John didn't want to disturb him. Rising to his feet, a wave of dizziness sent him listing to the left. He caught himself, hissing at the pull to his ribs and trying to take shallow breaths to work through the nauseating pain until it eased to a bearable level. This time he moved more cautiously, rising to his feet slowly, then making his way over to Rodney.

Grimacing as he knelt down again, John reached out to squeeze Rodney on the shoulder. "Wake up sleepyhead," he whispered, shaking Rodney just a bit. He didn't want to aggravate McKay's back injury, or jar his skull. John knew what a bitch concussions could be. "Rodney!" he hissed a bit louder. "You need to wake up now!"

"M'up," Rodney mumbled, his voice sounding a bit slurred. He blinked hard then peeled his eyelids open, staring blearily up at John. "Hurts," he hissed, mewling in pain as he shifted about.

"I know." John felt a wave of sympathy and he wished there was something more he could do for his friend. To that end he tried to help Rodney find a more comfortable position. Once settled he held up two fingers and asked how many.

Rodney glared at his hand then muttered, "Two. Happy now?"

John resisted the urge to nod, knowing it would set off starbursts of pain in his own skull. "Happy as can be," he said instead, then he reached for the nearby backpack, pulling out Tylenol, a water bottle and a powerbar. "Which first?" he queried.

"Pills," Rodney replied. He was slow to swallow them, obviously fighting a gag reflex, and by the time he was done he looked gray and exhausted. "How's Ronon doing?"

"Still sleeping," John replied. "The longer he sleeps the better."

Rodney sighed. "Yeah, wish I was still asleep. Not that you let me sleep anyway."

John winced, but reminded himself he didn't have a choice. "Better sleepless than dead," he reminded McKay, then he held out the powerbar. "Eat."

"I have to pee first," Rodney said, flushing a bit in embarrassment.

"Right," John replied, silently cursing himself for not realizing that fact for himself. Of course he would have to help both Rodney and Ronon outside to deal with their bodily functions. Moving closer to Rodney he hauled one of his arms over his shoulders then said, "Up you go." John tried to make the transition as smooth as possible, but he watched Rodney grow pale and he heard the whimpers of pain that couldn't be swallowed. "Just hang in there," he said softly.

Rodney didn't respond, he just focused on moving towards the opening of the cave. It was a hellish trip off to the little area John had chose for their bathroom facilities. He ended up having to support Rodney while he went, which was a bit embarrassing for them both. Then he got them back inside and Rodney settled again.

Covering McKay's trembling form with a blanket, John grabbed a cloth from the back pack and wiped his face for him. Then he gave him a few sips of water. "Better?" he asked, as a bit of color came back to Rodney's pale face.

"No, not better!" Rodney snapped. "Better will be me in the infirmary on Atlantis!"

"Amen to that," John concurred, and he smiled as he said it.Rodney being snippy was a good sign. "The rescue team will be here soon."

Rodney sighed. "Not soon enough."

John handed him a powerbar. "Eat. The last thing I need is you going into hypoglycemic shock on me." He watched over Rodney until he took a few bites of the bar. He was about to suggest that Rodney try napping again when he heard a moan from behind him. Turning, albeit carefully so as not to abuse his sore ribs, John saw that Ronon was stirring. He moved to the Satedan's side and tapped his shoulder. "Hey, big guy...how are you feeling?"

"Been better," Ronon rumbled, forcing his eyes open. "Need to pee."

"We can do that," John replied, and he knew with Ronon it would be harder getting him outside, but it would also be less awkward. Soldiers were more matter of fact about such things. Grabbing Ronon's stick, John handed it over, then he got one of Ronon's heavy arms over his shoulder. He prepared himself for how much it was going to hurt to stand up, then he heaved upward, forcing Ronon onto his feet. There was a precarious moment when they both just about toppled over, but John fought through the dizziness that plagued him and managed to get them steadied.

Rodney watched them, looking concerned. "Please don't fall off the cliff," he begged them.

John snorted as he slowly eased his burden to the cave opening. "We're not on a cliff, Rodney...and we're not going to fall off it."

"You'd better not!" Rodney shot back. "I don't want to be stuck here by myself."

"I won't leave you," John promised, hearing the fear that lurked beneath the sharpness of Rodney's tone. He knew McKay was afraid they wouldn't be rescued, he just wasn't willing to put into words that he didn't want to die here. Which was a good thing, because John had no intention of letting anyone die on his watch.

Ronon was grunting, weight heavy on John. "Really gotta pee," he interjected.

John's response was to pick up the pace. Twenty minutes later they were back inside. It took so long because Ronon nearly passed out on their attempt back, and his unexpected lurch of full weight against John sent them both crashing to the ground. John was pretty sure he'd passed out for a moment, which scared the hell out of him. In fact it was Rodney's shouting that brought him back to consciousness. Shouting back that they would be there in a minute, John had roused Ronon and they had inched their way back into the cave.

It took a few minutes to get Ronon settled, then John handed him some water and an MRE. "You need to eat," he said firmly. "You have to keep your strength up." He knew Ronon understood the importance of that and he smiled his satisfaction as the Satedan ripped open his MRE. John then handed one over to Rodney.

"What about you?" Rodney countered, as he struggled with it until John grabbed it and opened it for him.

"Already ate," John lied.

Ronon was watching him as he ate and he stopped shoveling food into his mouth to ask, "Get any sleep?"

John stiffened, knowing that Ronon had a habit of seeing too much. "I'll sleep later," he said smoothly, rising to his feet with little grace. His head was throbbing, his ribs ached with each breath and he felt nausea coiling in his stomach just from the smell of the MRE's. But John was a man on a mission, getting his team back home safely. That was his only focus. "I'm going to go scout the area for more food and water sources. I'm sure Elizabeth will send a team for us soon, but just in case it takes them a while to find us, I want to be prepared." As he spoke he moved to the corner where his backpack lay and went about grabbing a water bottle and stuffing it inside. That was all he would take with him, and the half eaten powerbar in his pocket.

"You can't leave us here alone!" Rodney protested. "What if bad guys show up or a wild animal or something."

"I'll protect you," Ronon spoke up, even as he held up his blaster.

John grinned, knowing that the Satedan would do just that, to the best of his ability. Grabbing the pack, John made to rise to his feet only to list over onto his knees as dizziness washed over him in waves. He heard Rodney shouting his name and he managed to shift around so he was sitting, head between his knees. It helped. After a moment he lifted his head and locked on Rodney's face. "I'm fine, just stood up too fast."

But Rodney wasn't buying it. "You're not fine!"

"You need to rest," Ronon piped up.

"Later," John insisted, this time moving much more slowly as he rose to his feet. He let his eyes close for a moment, hoping it would ease the burning. He couldn't remember ever being so damn tired, but he knew that he couldn't afford to rest right now. He could sleep for a week once they returned to Atlantis and he knew Rodney and Ronon were safe.

But Rodney was apparently in an argumentative mood. "You'll rest now!" he snapped. "Use your brain, Sheppard. I know it's there somewhere under that shock of hair."

John turned to glare at him, but Rodney waved a hand at him dismissively.

"Don't even start," Rodney continued. "If you collapse from exhaustion, who's going to take care of me?" A moment's pause before adding, "And Ronon?"

"You've earned the rest, Sheppard," Ronon put in.

John looked at his companions and realized they were speaking the truth. His body was screaming at him to listen to them as well. He would rest for a bit. Letting the backpack sag to the floor, John moved to a position between the two men. "Fine, I'll rest. But only for two hours." He sat down slowly and managed to curl up on his good side. It made his ribs ache a bit, but it was doable. Then he looked at Ronon. "I'm trusting you to wake me up on time. But wake me sooner if you need me." Which reminded him. "Do you need anything now? Tylenol?"

The Satedan shook his head. "Go to sleep."

With that John let his eyes close and drifted off into a shadowy darkness.

He dreamed about the Wraith. They found the downed Jumper and tracked them to the cave and John had fallen asleep, leaving Ronon and Rodney defenseless. He came awake to their screams as they were drained of life, and a scream choked him as consciousness returned for real and he jolted upright, bile gagging him, ribs screaming with pain that was echoed in his temples and John pretty much crawled out of the cave to heave what little bile there was in his stomach. He heaved until he was choking and it was hard to breathe and he had to concentrate on making himself relax and take shallow breaths. He heard Rodney calling his name and he managed to croak out that he was fine and would be there in a minute.

It was longer than a minute before John stumbled back into the cave, feeling Rodney and Ronon's eyes burning into him. He said nothing as he moved to the backpack and grabbed his water bottle. He rinsed, spit into the corner then took a cautious sip of water. It eased the raw burn in his throat.

"You okay?" It was Ronon asking.

"I'm fine." The lie was getting easier to tell. Besides, maybe if he repeated it enough times it would turn out to be true.

Rodney was glaring at him, as best he could with eyes that were pain glazed. "You're not fine!" He snapped. "What's wrong with you?"

John resisted the urge to sigh, knowing it would just make his ribs hurt more and it wouldn't do much or his throbbing head either. "I'm okay, Rodney, I just had a bad dream." That said he glanced at his watch and was surprised to realize he'd slept over three hours. He turned to glare at Ronon. "I told you to wake me in two hours!"

"So you did," Ronon allowed, and his voice was tight and sharp.

"You okay?" John let go of his anger when he realized Ronon was in a lot of pain. He moved to the Satedan's side, one hand coming to rest on a broad shoulder. Ronon's skin felt warm, too warm. Not a good sign.

Ronon winced. "I've had better days," he allowed.

John found the Tylenol and grabbed Ronon's water bottle. "Take these." He shook four pills out, knowing that Ronon could easily handle that many and maybe it would kill any fever before it could take hold. "I'm going to be gone for a few hours," he said, taking the water bottle back and screwing the top on, then he left it where Ronon could reach it. "Maybe I can find something for you to pee in before I leave."

"No, just help me outside," Ronon insisted, already reaching for his stick. "I need to move around a bit, I'm too stiff."

"Okay." John hauled Ronon to his feet and they made it outside and back in a relatively short time. But it took its toll on John. He repeated the process with Rodney, got them settled again with food and water then realized the fire was out. "Are you warm enough?" he asked. He was feeling too warm himself, but he knew it was because he was moving around so much.

Rodney waved a hand at him. "It's fine. You'll be back before dark anyway. Right?" His voice was barely a whisper, rough with pain and he looked ready to pass out.

John checked his pulse then pushed a powerbar into his hand. "Eat this before you nod off." He was pretty sure Rodney would be okay and if he was sleeping he wouldn't be hurting for a while. He hoped Ronon would be able to sleep as well. "I'll be back before you can miss me," he promised, and then he was pulling on the backpackandheading out into the bright sunlight.

Instinct led him east and John walked fortwo hours before finding a stream. He tasted the water and it was cold and wonderful on his tongue. He was pretty sure it was drinkable and he figured if it wasn't he'd feel it by the time he got back to the cave, so he'd know enough not to give it to Rodney and Ronon. Following the stream he was rewarded with a patch of berry bushes. They were purple but looked like strawberries and tasted like musk melon. John managed to eat two without feeling nauseous or having any other ill effects, so he filled his back pack with what there was, which might last them two days. He just hoped they wouldn't spoil too fast. Because it was getting late and he had a long walk back, John filled the empty water bottles he'd brought with him, then took a moment to step into the stream all the way up to his arm pits. The icy water cooled him down and after a moment it eased the ache in his ribs. He stayed in a minute longer then got out, figuring he'd be dry by the time he got back.

Shouldering the pack, John trudged back the way he had come, all the while sending up a silent prayer for the rescue team to hurry up and find them.

**THE END..of part 3**


	4. Chapter 4

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 4**

When John reached the cave he was beyond exhausted, but he plastered a smile on his face as he entered and he could feel the burn of two gazes upon him. He moved to Rodney's side first, dumping the back pack off his shoulders. His aching ribs thanked him. "How are you doing?" he asked, as he studied the pale face before him.

"I'm lousy!" Rodney groused. "I need pain medicine. Good stuff. And I'm hungry."

"Do you have to pee?" John figured that would be the first thing to get out of the way, while he was still on his feet. He had a feeling that once he did sit down, he was going to be down for a while.

Rodney eyes searched John's face for a moment, then he nodded. "Yeah, I do."

John leaned in, got Rodney's arm draped over his shoulders then hauled him upright. "Be right back for you," he said to Ronon. Then he made the trip out and back with Rodney, fighting a rising dizziness all the way. It must have shown because Ronon was watching him and when John went to get him up he shook his head at him.

"Rest first, I'm good," Ronon stated. "Did you find water?"

"And food?" Rodney piped up.

John pointed to the backpack. "Found some berries and there's a stream. It'll keep us going for as long as it takes." John turned to the opening. "I'm going to get some wood for the fire tonight, then I'll take you out," he said to Ronon. "After that we'll eat." John left before anyone could argue with him. It took him three trips to get what he figured would be enough wood. He then hauled Ronon to his feet and out of the cave, taking the time to relieve himself before hauling them both back inside.

Rodney watched John get Ronon settled again. "You don't look so good," he commented to John.

"I'm just a little tired," John replied, forcing a smile. "It was a long walk." He rummaged in the back pack then set about passing around the berries. As he handed some to Rodney, along with a power bar, he asked, "Do you want some Tylenol first?"

"Yeah, that would be good," Rodney replied, holding out his hand for the pills.

Which told John just how badly he was hurting, more than words would have. He doled out a dose, handed over a new bottle of water since Rodney's other one was empty, then pressed a hand to Rodney's forehead. No fever, which was a relief. John waved for Rodney to eat, then he grabbed the empty water bottle. In a day or two he would go to fill up the empties.

Moving to Ronon, John studied him a moment before handing over his share of food and water. "Want something now or later?" John replied, meaning the morphine.

"Later," Ronon said, reaching for the water bottle and chugging half of it down.

"You doing okay?" John asked, as he reached out for his forehead. He didn't like the heat emanating from Ronon. He grabbed the Tylenol, wishing they had more. He shook some out and handed them over. "This will help," John said, not mentioning the fever, but he knew Ronon was aware of his condition. And aware there was little more they could do. Once the pills were down he handed over berries and an MRE. "Eat up," he ordered, before he moved away and settled down with his own water bottle.

Rodney frowned at him, swallowing a mouthful of berries before asking, "Why aren't you eating?"

John took another swallow of water before replying. Or rather, lying. "I stuffed myself full of berries, so I'll eat later." He was relieved when Rodney took him at his word and went back to eating.

Once his companions were done, John cleaned up the area then went to work on starting a fire. It was getting dark. "Get some sleep," he told them.

"You sleep," Ronon replied, his voice sounding a bit slurred. "We dozed while you were gone. We'll keep watch for a while."

"Maybe for an hour," John allowed, settling onto his good side. He was tired enough not to put up much of an argument right now, so he let himself drift off to sleep. Only to dream about the Wraith finding them again, and sucking the life out of Rodney and Ronon. Which brought John awake with a strangled cry. He sat up, wincing when his ribs protested and pain throbbed in his temples. He drank some water only to have to rush out of the cave to puke. There was nothing in his stomach but bile which made John gag. It felt like hours before he could breathe again and his ribs were screaming with pain.

A cry from inside the cave made John scrabble to his feet and run back inside. Rodney was calling John's name and pointing at Ronon who had listed over onto his side. John ran to him already knowing what he would find. Ronon was burning up with fever.

"What's wrong with him?" Rodney asked, his voice betraying his fear.

"Fever," John replied, already working on getting Ronon's vest open. He grabbed a water bottle and a cloth and did what he could to try and cool the big man down. But it wasn't going to be enough. "I'm going to have to douse the fire," John said, rising to his feet and kicking dirt onto the flames. He went to Rodney with the blanket and his jacket and covered him. "You going to be okay?"

Rodney nodded, carefully. "Yeah...fine, whatever. Just help Ronon."

John patted Rodney on the shoulder. "I'll do what I can." And throughout the night he kept cooling Ronon down with water. He trickled some into Ronon's mouth and during lucid moments and at the right hour, gave him more Tylenol. But it felt as if he were fighting a losing battle, and it worried John that he had only touch to rely on for whether or not the fever was going down.

In between moments John tried to take care of Rodney. He watched the scientist doze a bit, then John made him eat a powerbar and some berries. He also hauled them both out for a bathroom break and found something for Ronon to pee in, although he didn't have to go much because the fever had him so dehydrated.

Come morning John was beyond exhausted, but Ronon seemed a bit better. John feared it wasn't going to last. They were low on water again so he knew he'd be making a trek back to the stream. He had an idea though. He'd build a travois, use one of the supply containers that he had rescued and he'd fill it with water and hopefully be able to use it to cool Ronon down. John was pretty sure he could get to the stream and back in three hours. He explained his idea to his companions, moved Rodney closer to Ronon so he'd be able to keep an eye on the runner, made sure they had food and water, then he headed out to make his travois. It was rough and John doubted it would hold together past what he needed it for, but it was good enough and he took off straight way, dragging it and the container behind him.

By the time he reached the stream he was sick with nausea. He fell to his knees beside the stream, jolting his ribs and head and ended up puking. Nothing but bile again, since there was nothing in his stomach. Once he stopped gagging, John splashed cold water on his face, then drank a bit. It helped. He then went to work filling the water bottles from his back pack then he grabbed the container and shoved it into the stream. It weighed a ton but he was able to push it back onto the bank and onto the travois. John was ready to go back, but he paused long enough to submerge himself in the water. It was shockingly cold but felt wonderful to his overheated body, and it helped to energize him a bit for the trip back.

He had lost track of time by the time he reached the cave. John left the travois at the bottom and climbed up knowing that it would be easier to bring Ronon down. Thankfully, the Satedan was awake and aware, but still burning up. But he was able to support himself a bit with his branch cane and John got him down to the water container. He then used his cupped hands to splash water over Ronon from head to toe. Not as effective as an ice bath, but it would have to do in a pinch.

John kept working until the water was gone and Ronon was soaked, then he hauled him back up to the cave and got him settled. He checked him and the Satedan's skin felt cooler. John got more Tylenol in him then he turned to Rodney,

McKay's eyes were wide with concern. "Is he going to be okay?" he asked in a hushed tone. Or hushed for Rodney.

"I hope so," John replied, rubbing a weary hand over his forehead. Everything hurt at this moment. It felt like even his hair hurt, but he couldn't rest just yet. He had to get Rodney settled for the night, then keep vigil over Ronon again. Rising to his feet he stumbled to Rodney's side. "Let's get you outside for a bathroom break."

"Yeah...that would be good," Rodney mumbled, blushing a bit.

They made it there and back with only a bit of a struggle and John was relieved to get Rodney settled again. He gave him water and a MRE and bade him to eat.

Rodney took a bite then stared at John. "When are you going to eat? And don't tell me you ate on the way to get the water. I know you didn't take any food with you."

"I'll eat later," John replied. He wasn't going to argue with Rodney, he just didn't have the energy.

"You need to eat and sleep," Rodney countered, his tone sharp. "You can't keep going without food and rest, Sheppard. And if you collapse on us, we're done for. Got it?"

John understood what Rodney was saying, but he didn't have time to rest. "I have to keep on eye on Ronon," he replied, and he doubted Rodney could argue that one.

But Rodney was Rodney, so he certainly was going to argue. "I can keep an eye on Ronon. Both of them!" he shot back. "You eat and sleep then you can take the night watch." His tone brooked no argument.

"Fine," John caved. It was easier to just agree and he realized his body was shutting down. He hurt to the point where he felt almost numb with it and his eyelids were heavy and when he looked at Rodney his vision was blurred. McKay was right, he needed to rest. "No more than three hours," John stated firmly. "And wake me if you need me."

"You'll hear my screams," Rodney promised. "Eat something first though," he prompted.

John shook his head, wincing at the pain that stabbed in his temples. He would have to stop doing that. "Later," he whispered, as he curled up on his side. "Too tired to chew." He was mostly mumbling now and doubted Rodney even heard him, but it didn't matter. A heartbeat later, John was asleep.

OoO

Elizabeth had sensed that something was wrong even before Sheppard missed his first check in. By the time they were actually late, she'd called Lorne and had him put together a team while they opened the gate and attempted radio contact. When they couldn't reach them, she sent Major Lorne to the first planet in search of John and his team. She stared at her computer screen, willing herself to concentrate on the work at hand but she was too distracted by her worry. She couldn't shake the feeling that something bad had happened, so she prayed hard that everything would be all right and that John, Rodney and Ronon would be coming home soon.

OoO

_"Hey,Tigger, don't you wuss out on me!" John shouted at his friend. But Tigger, who's real name was Rupert Reese, didn't respond. John stared at his friend, feeling nauseous at the sight of him. He was soaked in blood, it stained one side of his face, and there was a gaping hole in his chest and John knew he wasn't going to make it. But he wasn't going to just give up either. If Tigger died then he was all alone._

_"GET UP!" John shouted, gripping Tigger's shoulder and shaking him. He was rewarded with a moan of pain then dark eyes were staring at him, glazed with pain._

_"Tell...Tell Rose I love her," Tigger begged, before a cough made him break off. Then he closed his eyes and went still._

_John fought back tears. "You were supposed to go home and tell her that yourself you stupid, selfish, sonofabitch!" he shouted. Tigger and Rose were engaged to be married when he returned from this tour. But that was never going to happen now and John wasn't going to be Tigger's best man and make some stupid speech and John felt hot tears tracking down his face and he wiped them away with his sleeve before reaching out with a shaky hand, fingers stained with blood, to close Tigger's eyes. "Been an honor to serve with you, Sergeant," John whispered. _

"Sheppard!"

John fought his way back to awareness, trying to shake off the memories of the dream that seemed all too vivid. When he opened his eyes he stared at his hands, expecting to see blood instead of dirt. He heard his name being called again and it took him a moment to remember where he was. He rolled onto his hands and knees then crawled over to Ronon and a panicked looking Rodney. "What's wrong?" John croaked, his voice acid rough in his throat. 

Rodney's eyes were huge and dark with fear. "He started shaking and moaning then he went completely still!" he babbled. "Is he dead? Please tell me he's not dead!"

John reached out to press two fingers to Ronon's neck. It took a moment but then he felt the flutter of a pulse. He shifted his fingers a bit and found a reassuring thud. Another thing he noticed was that Ronon's skin was cool and clammy. "His fever broke," John announced, letting a smile curve his lips as he looked at Rodney. "He's better now." John saw relief flood Rodney's eyes.

"Good..that's good," Rodney said softly.

"Yeah." John rubbed his eyes then frowned as he glanced at his watch. "How long was I out for?"

Rodney waved a hand at him. "How should I know. My watch is broke." He twisted his wrist to show him the broken piece.

John realized he'd slept for almost seven hours. He should have felt rested but he felt oddly achy and lethargic. He decided against yelling at Rodney for letting him sleep so long, realizing that it was the scientist's way of trying to help. Instead he got to his feet and hauled Rodney to his. "Potty time," John announced.

"And food," Rodney said, as he leaned heavily on John as they made their slow way out of the cave. "Fear makes me hungry."

"You okay otherwise?" John asked, as they made their way over to their bathroom area. "How's your back feeling?" Rodney was leaning hard on him, making John almost stagger under his weight. In fact, he seemed to be leaning more than usual.

Rodney grimaced. "I'm a bit stiff from being still for so long," he complained.

John sighed. "Next time do what I tell you and wake me up," he chided. Rodney didn't reply and John let it go. He relieved himself as well then took Rodney back to the cave. Ronon was sleeping peacefully so John let him be for now. He gave Rodney an MRE and some water, grabbed a power bar for himself, which he waved in Rodney's face, then headed out of the cave. He told Rodney he was going to scout the area for a while, which he was going to do. But he also went so that Rodney wouldn't know he wasn't eating. Just the thought of food right now made John nervous.

He tucked the powerbar in his pocket then headed in the opposite direction from before. It was a cooler day which made it easier going for him, but he still found himself stumbling at times. At one point he tripped over a root and went down hard on his knees. Hard enough to rattle his ribs and send pain exploding into white lights in his head. Then the sparkling lights faded into gray, then darkness curled around John and he felt himself drifting into oblivion.

**THE END...of part 4**


	5. Chapter 5

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 5

He was aware of the pain in his head and ribs within seconds of opening his eyes. Groaning, he rolled over onto his back and looked up. He had no idea how long he'd been out, but judging from the height of the sun in the sky, it had been a while. He knew he had to get up and get back to the cave. Rodney and Ronon had been alone for hours.

Leaning on his left arm, he pushed himself into a sitting position and waited on the dizziness to pass. He swallowed hard as his stomach grumbled and rolled. He realized he had no idea when he'd last eaten and he knew that, even though he was conserving for Ronon and Rodney, he needed to eat something to keep his strength up. Taking the power bar he'd brought with him out of his pocket, he tore the end of the wrapper open. Unfortunately, the second he smell hit him, his stomach began to revolt.

He closed his eyes and sat for a moment, willing his stomach to settle. After a sip of water, he thought he was game for another try. This time he just quickly bit off a corner without smelling it and began to chew, but he had to swallow quickly to keep from gagging. What was wrong with him? Looking forlornly at the bar in his hand, he knew if he ate any more he'd just bring it back up and he was getting really tired of that. His throat already felt raw from all the retching he'd done. Sighing, he rewrapped the bar and put it back in his pocket. He could try again later.

Stumbling to his feet, he weaved drunkenly for the first few steps until he got his balance under control. He stopped and looked around, almost panicking for a minute as he realized he wasn't sure which direction to go.

"Think, Sheppard, just stop a minute and think." And that's what he did. He forced himself to remain calm as he replayed his morning trek through his mind. Looking around, he slowly began to recognize landmarks. He adjusted his direction and headed for the cave, worried his team mates had needed him and he hadn't been there.

Adrenalin overcame exhaustion and hunger, getting him back relatively quickly. He was relieved to hear them talking as he covered the last few feet to the cave.

"Where were you? We were getting worried," said Rodney almost as soon as he set foot in the cave.

"Sorry, I was looking around for more berries and lost track of the time," he lied, setting the pack down at the edge of the cave. "You guys okay? I didn't mean to stay gone that long." He noted that both men were looking pale and worn.

"Gotta pee," said Ronon matter-of-factly.

John wasn't surprised and headed over to help the big guy up. He was a little dismayed to discover Ronon felt warm again as he helped him out of the cave. As soon as Ronon's needs were taken care of and he was back in the cave, John helped Rodney do the same.

"Okay, guys, what's next, bandage change or food?" John looked up from the supplies to his team mates.

"Food," said Rodney. "I'm starved."

John smiled, figuring that was a good sign, more like the old Rodney.

"I could eat," said Ronon.

John gave them each an MRE and a bottle of water, and then split the remaining berries between them. He decided he'd go for more berries when he had finished changing their bandages. Settling down with a bottle of water, he watched them eat.

"Where's yours?" asked Rodney, frowning at him critically. "And don't tell me you already ate."

John shrugged his shoulders and then immediately regretted it. "I can't help it that I already ate."

"What, that measly power bar? That's not eating."

"Lay off, Rodney, I'm not hungry," John snapped. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall of the cave. His head throbbed and his ribs ached and he was afraid if he moved he'd vomit again. He silently willed Elizabeth to know they were in trouble and send help.

By the time they finished eating, John's stomach had settled and his headache was better. He picked up the waste and then set about cleaning their wounds and changing the dressings. The experience was not a pleasant experience for either man. Rodney and Ronon took turns grimacing as their cuts were cleaned and the antibacterial ointment John found in the med kit was liberally applied.

After changing their bandages, John got Rodney and Ronon settled for the afternoon. Ronon's fever seemed to be creeping up again and he wanted to be ready if it kept going, so he'd decided to haul the large container to the river again for water.

"You can't go out again," said Ronon. "You're exhausted and you're not looking too good. We have enough food and water to last until tomorrow."

John picked up his pack with the empty water bottles and the bag for the berries. "I need to go today. I'm afraid we don't have enough water to last. I'll be fine." Making sure they had the supplies they'd need close enough to reach, he headed out to get the travois, which had held up better than he had expected.

It was almost dark by the time he returned and he was so tired, he could barely stand. Looking up at the steep incline, he grabbed the now full water bottles and headed up the hill. He was almost halfway up when he lost his footing, sliding and rolling back to the bottom. Lying there in a daze, he concentrated on the pain in his ribs and side, letting it swing him back to consciousness. Finally finding a bit of energy, he pushed himself up to a sitting position and leaned back against the rock he was next to. He sat panting for several seconds, letting his heart slow enough it no longer pounded in his ears.

As his mind began to clear, he realized his side felt a little wet. Lifting his shirt, he saw that he had scraped all the skin off his already bruised side and it was slowly oozing blood. He let his shirt drop back down and his head fall back against the rock. They were already running short on bandages. He sat there for a few minutes, just resting and thinking.

Finally deciding he had to get back up to the cave and check on his friends, he managed to get to his feet. Taking his water bottle out, he poured a little in the palm of his hand and splashed it up on his bleeding side. He managed to wash most of the blood off and get it fairly cleaned up. The abrasions weren't deep, just broad and painful. He rinsed his shirt out and pulled it back down, noticing it stung where it contacted the raw flesh underneath. Satisfied, he picked the water bottles back up and climbed the hill again, this time with more success.

Walking in the cave, he found both men dozing. He quietly lay the bottles down and went back for the berries. Once he had those in the cave, he collected some wood and made a pile near where he had been building the fire at night. By that time, they were beginning to stir. A quick check showed that his whole shirt was wet with sweat and there was no evidence of his fall. He was relieved; thinking the last thing he needed to do was worry them any more than they already were.

"Hey, sleepyheads, how are you doing?" He tried to sound light, but he was afraid it didn't come off that way.

"How long have you been back?" asked Rodney, yawning and scratching at the edge of the bandage around his head.

"Not very long. I have water and berries. Looks like you get dessert tonight. Do you guys need a potty break before dinner?"

Ronon was still struggling to sit up, so John walked over and helped the Satedan. "I'm good," he said.

John put his hand across the man's forehead. "I think your fever is still creeping up. When was the last time you had any Tylenol?"

"We ran out," said Rodney.

"Oh crap,"said John, moving back across the cave to go through the packs of materials he had gathered up. He was digging through the third one when he found a bottle of ibuprofen. "Yes!" he called. He dumped two out and gave them to Ronon. He turned to Rodney, but the scientists waved him away.

"I'm okay. Save them for Ronon."

John wasn't sure what to do. He knew Rodney was hurting, but he also knew that it was the last bottle of anything to help fight Ronon's fever. He had to admit he was impressed that Rodney was willing to save them for the former runner. "Let me know if you change your mind," he said softly, nodded to acknowledge what Rodney was doing.

"How about that dinner you promised us?" Rodney said, unusually uncomfortable with the attention.

"Coming right up," he said. Since they had eaten an MRE earlier, he gave them each a power bar for supper, along with a large helping of berries. He saw them both looking at him as he began working on the fire for the night. "I ate before you guys got up. I was hungry after walking all day." He was rather amazed at how easy the lie was becoming. The truth was, he wasn't hungry and that scared him. Every time he thought he might be hungry and got near food, it almost gagged him. Even if they had a bountiful feast laid out before them, he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep anything down. He tried not to think about it as he got the fire started. Plenty of time to worry about his digestive problems after they were rescued and safely in Atlantis.

The next several days were much the same. John would go after water and berries every other day. Off days were spent looking for something else to eat and searching for any more lost supplies that they could use. He gathered wood every night for their fire. Ronon's fever went up and down, with John having to cool him off with a water bath twice more. Rodney became a little more mobile as time went on, with his back giving him less pain. As long as John helped him up and down, he could walk outside to pee for himself, and for that he was very grateful. He wasn't well enough to attempt the hill, however, so he stayed at the cave with Ronon when John went on his little jaunts.

At the one week mark, John looked over their stock of supplies and sighed. They only had a couple of MREs and a small handful of power bars left. He was going to have to find more than just berries for them to eat. Besides which, the berry supply was dwindling due to their large consumption of the fruits. He hated that because it was about the only thing he could keep down. He had discovered he could eat one or two at a time three or four times a day. It wasn't much, but maybe it would keep him from collapsing before the rescue team found them.

"They aren't coming, are they?" The despair in Rodney's voice hurt like someone had punched him.

"Yes, Rodney, they are. I promise you they are looking for us. You have to remember that we've only been overdue a few days and they had three planets to check. They should be here soon though. You can't give up."

"Sheppard's right," said Ronon. "They will come for us."

"Look," said John. "I know they'll be here eventually and I hope it's soon, but the fact is that we're almost out of food. I'm going back to where we lost the jumper and see if there's any way to get to it. If not, I'm going to look for another food source. The berry supply is just about gone and we can't depend on it any more."

Ronon and Rodney exchanged a look and then glanced back at John. "I don't think you should do that," said Rodney quietly. "No offense, Colonel, but you look like crap and you haven't walked a straight line in two days. I think maybe you took a harder knock on the head than you let on."

John smiled as he continued to put food and water out where they could get to it. "Well, thanks for the concern, McKay, but it doesn't change anything. We are still almost out of food and we still don't know how long til we're rescued and I'm still the only one that is mobile." Finishing with his task, he leaned back on his heels and looked at Rodney, smirk firmly in place. "Any questions, oh genius one?"

"No . . . smartass."

Ronon chuckled as John got up and grabbed his pack, slinging it over his shoulder. "Need anything else before I go?"

"No, we're good," said Ronon as he grinned at Rodney sulking against the wall.

"Okay, be good boys and I'll be back later, hopefully with something to eat." John left the cave and began hiking in the direction of the crashed jumper.

oOo

Elizabeth hurried out of her office.

"It's Major Lorne, ma'am," said the tech on duty.

Elizabeth touched her radio. "Major Lorne, this is Dr. Weir. Have you found anything?" She held her breath as her stomach did flip-flops and she chewed on her lower lip. Even before she heard all the words, the dejection in the man's voice told her the answer.

"No ma'am, not a thing. It's like they just vanished. We've been over all three planets. We found people on the second one and they said they hadn't seen them. We looked around just in case they were not quite as friendly as they seemed, but we saw no evidence that the colonel's team had been there. Do you want us to start again?"

Elizabeth closed her eyes, trying to hide the burning disappointment. "Could you have missed them?"

She could almost hear Lorne sigh before he replied. "It's possible. Ma'am . . . it's also possible, if they had problems, they could have crashed on one of the other planets."

"Could they have survived on one of the other planets?" she asked hopefully.

"Not for this long. The conditions are too extreme on the other planets, ranging from no atmosphere to toxic atmosphere to scorching heat."

Elizabeth thought for a second. "How are you fixed for supplies?"

"We're running low on just about everything."

"Okay," she said firmly, having quickly come up with a plan. "Return to Atlantis to restock. We can get a replacement crew so your team can get some rest and I'll check with Dr. Zelenka to see if any of the other jumpers are ready. Then we'll check out the planets one more time. If we still don't have any luck . . . we'll check the uninhabitable ones."

"Can I make one change?"

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes uncertainly. "That depends on what it is, Major."

"My team wants to continue with the search ma'am. We don't need replacements."

Elizabeth smiled at the loyalty of John's men. "Your request is granted, Major Lorne, on the condition that you add one person to your crew." She looked over at Teyla, who had come out of the office to join her and nodded.

"Tell Teyla we'd be glad to have her aboard," replied Lorne, having no doubt who Weir was talking about. "We're inbound with an ETA of thirty minutes."

"Atlantis out," said Elizabeth. She sighed as she turned to Teyla. "I should have shut this adventure down the minute John called it boy's week out. I better not find him parked on some oddball moon teaching Ronon to play football." They shared a smile, but both were wishing that was exactly what they'd find.

oOo

John leaned out, trying to see down the hill, but the curve of the land combined with the dense underbrush made it impossible. Several small trees had been knocked down, evidence of the jumper's recent descent through the area. The hill dropped off so steeply about twenty feet away that he knew he would never be able to climb down to it. If he had rope he could have repelled, but he didn't. He studied the area, hoping he could see another way down, but it was futile. He would have to walk for hours to get to a place he could safely make the trip to the bottom of the hill and he didn't have that kind of time or energy. Taking one last look down the hill, something caught his eye.

He hadn't even seen them at first, having been so intent on finding the jumper. Scattered up and down the first part of the incline were several MREs. There was a tiny ledge just before the drop-off twenty feet down and a pack of supplies lay precariously balanced against a bush. He stood and looked at the steep hillside, judging the angle of the slope and the possible hand holds. Normally this wouldn't have even slowed him down, but he knew he was weak and subject to black-outs right now, not to mention his bruised and abraded ribcage. He thought about the dwindling food supply and the people depending on him to keep them alive until help arrived. He finally decided if he was careful, he could do it.

John took the water bottles out of his pack and set them on the ground. He made sure the top was open enough he could shove the MREs inside and slung it over his shoulder. Finding the best path to take to go straight down to the pack while picking up the MREs on the way, he began climbing down. At first he held onto small tree trunks and rocks and used some of the rocks as footholds. He picked up four MREs and a power bar off the side of the hill, stuffing them carefully into the pack while still maintaining his hold on the side of the incline.

When he got close to the fifth MRE, he found there were no secure places to put either his hands or his feet to get him closer to the meal. He leaned over to his right, stretching out as far as he could. Just as his finger touched the edge of the package, the rock providing his toehold broke loose under his weight and sent him sliding down the hill. He frantically grabbed at the rocks and saplings that were further bruising his stomach and chest and slapping him in the face as he quickly skidded down toward the edge of the cliff. He made one last grab as he felt himself go over the edge and realized at the last second he had grabbed the strap on the pack he had seen from above. He silently apologized to Rodney and Ronon for his foolishness.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Note:** The reviews are great! The authors are happy! What more could you want out of life? Well, maybe to resolve a little "cliff" hanger?

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 6

Elizabeth looked up as Zelenka entered her office, escorting a balding man who had only recently come to Atlantis. She studied his face, trying to remember his name.

"Dr. Weir, I'm sorry to interrupt, but Dr. Agnew must tell you something." Zelenka looked sternly at the stout man standing next to him. "Dr. Agnew," he said firmly.

Agnew pulled his arm from Zelenka's grip and sighed in exasperation. "Oh, all right, you can let go now. I still say this wasn't my fault. My system would work if used properly as I installed it. It had to be the pilot's fault if there was a problem." By the time he finished, he was sputtering and red in the face.

Elizabeth frowned in confusion as she looked quizzically at Zelenka. "Radek . . . what's going on?"

Zelenka was obviously angry and trying to control his tone of voice. "I may know what happened to Colonel Sheppard's jumper. Dr. Agnew can explain."

Elizabeth's face hardened as she began to pick up on the fact that Zelenka was holding the whiney man in front of her responsible for the loss of her top team, not to mention her friends. "Dr. Agnew, I think you had better explain . . . and you should do it _now_." She was rather pleased to see the look of fear that crossed the man's face.

"Very well. I developed a system for increasing the power to the jumpers. With the supposed brilliant team you have assembled here, I'm surprised no one came up with it earlier, but then, I guess that's why I was brought aboard." Zelenka rolled his eyes and Dr. Agnew pretended not to notice.

"We not use system like that because it will not work. Rodney explain that to you twice, that I hear. You don't listen and now Colonel Sheppard's jumper is probably crashed."

"What?" Elizabeth's asked loudly. "What have you done?"

"I do not have to stand around and be treated like this," roared Dr. Agnew.

"You'll do what I say," pointed out Elizabeth. "All right, lives are at stake and I'm getting tired of this guessing game. Radek, just tell me what he did."

Radek slid a look of disgust Agnew's way before pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and continuing. "When he was overseeing maintenance and repair of jumpers five and six, he installed his system. Preliminary simulations Rodney and I ran show system will cause power surges and drains and loss of power. Colonel Sheppard's team is in jumper five."

Elizabeth bowed her head. She finally got rid of Kavanagh only to have him replaced by something more dangerous. How did this happen? She pulled her head up to look angrily at Agnew, trying not to think about the fact that he may have killed three people with his arrogance.

"You are relieved of all duty and confined to your quarters except for meals. If I see or hear of you being within twenty feet of a lab or the jumper bay, I'll have you thrown in a cell, is that clear doctor? We'll figure out what to do with you long term _after_ I find out what happened to Colonel Sheppard's team. If you're lucky, we'll find them alive somewhere. Now get out of my sight."

Zelenka stood silently for a few moments before looking up at Elizabeth. "I thought you should know."

Elizabeth nodded. "Yes, I did need to know. Thank you Radek."

"Any word about Rodney and Colonel and Ronon?"

She could see the worry in his face and knew that he was close to Rodney, in spite of their constant back and forth jabs. She also knew he had become rather fond of John. "Nothing yet. Major Lorne took his team back out. They'll find them."

"Just tell them to open window and listen for loud complaining. Will lead straight to Rodney."

Elizabeth smiled. "Not a bad idea, Radek. I'll pass that on."

oOo

With a bit of surprise, John realized he had stopped falling and was hanging by the strap of the pack. His left hand clung tightly to the lifesaving strip of fabric as his legs dangled uselessly in open air. He didn't look down, having already surmised that a fall from this height would surely kill him. Studying his situation, he found that the other strap of the pack had wrapped around one of the sturdier branches of the bush it had been lying against as he grabbed it on his way over the cliff.

He looked around trying to determine the best way to climb back to safety, realizing that his arm was quickly tiring of holding up his weight. The small ledge jutted out in such a way as to prevent him pushing his feet against the cliff wall for leverage. He lifted his right arm up to grab onto the strap, only to have the pack slip down an inch or two as he took hold. His heart leaped into his throat as he waited for the drop, but the pack caught again and held. His ribs and shoulders were screaming at him, but he tried to ignore the burning pain as he took in the near hopelessness of his situation.

For a split second, he thought about how easy it would be just to let go. It would all be over very quickly. And then he mentally slapped himself, forcing himself to focus on the people that were depending on him. "Not an option, Sheppard," he muttered to himself. "Not get yourself out of this mess." He took a deep breath and pulled himself up closer to the edge of the ledge. He was almost within reach when the pack slipped a little more and he swung dangerously out to one side. He closed his eyes, once again waiting for the sickening drop. After a few seconds, he opened them again to find himself still hanging from the strap, if just barely. He had to do something quick, or he was a dead man.

Desperately looking around, he noticed a narrow piece sticking out several inches from the rest of the rock face about two feet to his right. It was slightly lower than the rest of the ledge and almost level with his chest. If he could swing himself over a little, he could make a lunge for it. Of course if he missed or it didn't hold . . . better not think about that.

John took a deep breath and focused. He would get one shot and one shot only. He couldn't screw this up. He made himself think about Rodney and Ronon and what could happen to them if the rescue team didn't show up soon. He could do this. He _would_ do this. Determination fueling his resolve, he used his legs to swing out toward the narrow projection of rock. Not going far enough, he swung back and then forward again. He wasn't sure if it was far enough, but he felt the pack slipping again and knew this was his one shot. He threw himself at the rocky outcropping and mentally crossed his fingers.

oOo

Ronon tried to pull himself up into more of a sitting position. The movement sent waves of sharp pain through his injured leg, but he almost welcomed it over the numbness that was beginning to take over his lower body. He hated sitting around, injured or not.

"You think he's okay?" Rodney had really started to notice how fatigued and sick Sheppard looked the last couple of days. He was certain the man had suffered a severe concussion and had tried to act like he was fine. There was no telling what other injuries he was hiding in an attempt to fool either them or himself into believing he was okay. The man was a menace to himself and definitely needed a keeper.

"It's Sheppard, he's okay. He's just tired and it's a ways to the jumper."

"We always say that . . . that it's Sheppard and he'll be okay. I'm afraid one day he won't be okay and we won't see it coming until it's too late. He doesn't look good."

Ronon snorted. "And exactly which one of us does look good?"

Rodney opened his mouth and then closed it for a few moments. "Good point," he said quietly.

After a few seconds of silence, Ronon continued. "Sheppard's a soldier. He'll always do what needs to be done, regardless of how hard it is. You just have to trust him."

"Oh, I trust him to take care of us and do whatever is needed. I just don't trust him to take care of himself. He's not very good at that sometimes."

"He's strong, McKay. He'll be okay because he has to."

"I hope so. I've . . . I've gotten kind of used to having him around." McKay smiled sheepishly. "You know, for entertainment purposes."

Ronon laughed and was surprised at how good it felt. "It's okay, I won't tell him you were worried."

"Hey, I'm not worried. I was just . . . voicing an observation."

"Whatever." Ronon waved his hand at him as if pushing him away. "For what it's worth, I've gotten kind of used to him too . . . for entertainment purposes." They both smiled and looked instinctively toward the mouth of the cave.

oOo

John clawed frantically at the flat rock surface, desperately searching for a handhold as he slipped backward over the edge. He was pushing his body into the rock surface so forcefully, the edge of the overhang was scraping all the skin off the bottom of his forearms. He didn't notice since he was a little preoccupied with trying not to fall to his death. Inches from the edge, his right hand found a spot rough enough to cling to and stop his slide. He hung for a second, catching his breath, before he leaned forward as far as he dared and found another spot his left hand could dig into. He didn't feel the sharp edges cutting into his hands, only that he was finally moving forward and up instead of backward and down.

It took several agonizing minutes, but he finally hauled himself up onto the ledge of rock, panting and shaking, every muscle in his arms, chest, and shoulders burning and weighing a ton. He lay there for a while, unable to move or think, just relishing the inactivity and safety. When he finally lifted his head and looked up, it dawned on him that the still had to climb back up the side of the hill he had originally slid down. He laid his head back against the cool rock surface. Maybe in a minute.

When the shaking was under better control and he thought he could lift his arms again, he slowly sat up and looked up the hill, scanning for the most secure path up. He really didn't think he would survive another stunt like that. As he stood up, he realized he still had his original pack, but the one that had temporarily secured him to the bush was gone. Looking down at the ledge, he noticed a bottle of Tylenol and a scattering of candy bars and power bars. It must have torn open and lost part of it's contents. It wasn't much, but he would take what he could get. He gathered the meager rations and stuffed them in the pack as he prepared to climb the slope above.

The trip back up the hill proved uneventful. He might have said it was easy if he hadn't been exhausted and trembling the whole way, his muscles aching with every lift of his arms. When he finally rolled over the top and lay on his back, he had serious doubts if he would ever get up again. He could honestly say his whole body hurt.

But he did get up, staggering to his feet after putting the water bottles back in the pack. He hadn't gleamed much for his near death experience. A few MREs, candy bars, and power bars, and a bottle of Tylenol. Yippee. He lurched forward, moving toward the cave.

When he reached the little clearing they had started their attempted landing in, he sat down at the edge to rest. Taking out his water bottle, he looked across the plants dotting the edge of the forest. He frowned and leaned forward, thinking they looked familiar. Something about the leaves . . . carrots. They looked like carrot tops.

Curious, he took hold of the stem of one just at ground level and pulled it out of the soil. It was obviously a taproot, slightly longer than his finger and about as big around at its widest point. It looked sort of like a carrot, only cream colored. Taking his water bottle, he rinsed the dirt off the root and studied it. He lifted it to his face and sniffed. It really didn't have a smell to it. Breaking off the tough-looking end, he took a small bite and held it in his mouth. No tingling or bitter taste, which was a good sign. He slowly chewed and swallowed the small bite. Not much flavor, just a bit of a sweet taste at the end. The blandness was good for him though, since almost anything with smell or taste gagged him right now. He took another bite. The texture was pleasantly crunchy without being too hard, rather like a water chestnut. Before he knew it, he had eaten the whole thing.

Now that his stomach had a bit of food in it, he was actually hungry. He eyed the alien carrots and decided to eat one more. How else could he be sure they were safe for Rodney and Ronon? Besides, that was the first thing he'd kept down in days. He pulled up another and washed it, eating it slowly as he savored every bite. He was surprised to discover that the second one filled him up. He guessed days of not eating had his stomach convinced that the two small roots were a lot of food.

He rested a few more minutes, letting the food settle. He didn't want to head out too soon and upset his stomach again. The fact that it was retaining food was making him feel better and more hopeful than he had in several days, in spite of his recent brush with death. He pulled up as many of the roots as he could stick in the bag, carefully breaking the tops off so they wouldn't use up needed room. Happy with his collection, he stood and began walking back to the cave. Fresh veggies for supper tonight.

He was almost back to the cave when he spotted something else. He approached the tree and pulled a branch down, looking at the cluster of fruits that looked like small green apples. He had really hit the bonanza today. He pulled one off and studied it. It wasn't very large, maybe plum sized, but it did look very much like an apple. He used a bit of water to rinse it off and then took a bite, letting it sit in his mouth as before. It was a little sour, but all right other than that. The texture reminded him of a large grape, being much softer than he had expected from the peeling. It was a bit strange, but not unpleasant. He finished eating the fruit and looked down at his stuffed pack. He could probably get a few in there for them to try and come back for more later, especially if he took out the MREs and carried them separately. It wasn't very far to walk. He picked about a dozen and stuck them in the space vacated by the MREs now in his hand, then headed for the cave.

He reached the base of the hill leading to the cave roughly twenty minutes later. He was shaking and sweating and his vision kept blurring in and out. Obviously the apple-grape things weren't going to work as a food source. He set the pack down and fell weakly to his knees, his stomach rolling and lurching. He knew what was coming and it almost made him cry in frustration as he leaned forward and vomited until he was pretty sure there was nothing left inside, organs included. He brought up one shaky hand to wipe his mouth and noticed blood on it when he let it fall back to the ground for support. Not a good sign. Crawling a few feet back to his pack, he took the water out, rinsed his hands and splashed his face, then took a few sips. He was about to try standing when a sudden flash of pain twisted in his belly, causing him to fall over on his side and curl up as he whimpered against the jolt. He tightened the grip of his arms around his midsection as the fire burned hotter inside his stomach, causing his vision to blur even more with the tears it brought to his eyes. He fought to breathe as his vision grayed and he wondered briefly if letting go of the pack would have been an easier way to go.

oOo

Ronon watched as Rodny clawed his way to a standing position using the wall of the cave for support. "What are you doing, McKay?"

Rodney panted as he stood, drained from the effort of getting vertical. "I've gotta go use the little scientist's room."

Ronon snickered. "You gonna just happen to take a look and see if Sheppard is coming?"

Rodney began walking carefully toward the mouth of the cave. "I might." He stepped outside into the sunlight and squinted, letting his eyes adjust before he attempted to move forward. He didn't want to walk blindly off the edge of the slope. The cave wasn't exactly on a cliff, as John had pointed out earlier, but it was a steep enough hill that he didn't want to take a tumble down it. He was just now getting where he could move around a little and he sure didn't want to go back to square one, much less even farther back.

He made his way over to what they now referred to as the bathroom bush, just a few feet from the cave entrance and in the opposite direction that Sheppard took climbing up and down the hill. The colonel had commented that he didn't want to have to pass the house-less outhouse several times a day. As Rodney completed his business and turned to go back to the cave, he realized how dirty he was. Although they had each managed to take a sponge bath of sorts while the others discreetly looked away, it hardly substituted for a real shower. He quickly decided the second thing he wanted when they got back to Atlantis, after a real meal of course, was a long, hot shower.

He had just entered the mouth of the cave, daydreaming about his shower, when he stopped.

"What?" asked Ronon from across the room.

Rodney frowned and tilted his head. "I don't know." He cautiously turned around and stepped back out in the sunlight, holding his hand over his eyes so he could peer at the area below. He stood looking for a few seconds before he realized what he was seeing. Sheppard was curled up on the ground, not moving, a pack laying several feet away as if he had dropped it.

"Colonel!" Rodney shouted. Fear clenched his insides when the form didn't respond. He coughed, trying to remove the lump that seemed to be blocking his throat. "Colonel, wake up! Hey Sheppard, get up off your lazy butt and answer me!"

"What's wrong? McKay, what's going on?" came the worried calls from inside the cave.

Rodney was almost afraid to take his eyes off Sheppard, but he did to step back into the cave, using the door for support. His back was beginning to stiffen and hurt again and it was getting harder to move. "I can see Sheppard lying on the ground at the bottom of the hill. I think he's unconscious. At least I hope he's just unconscious and not . . . " Color drained from McKay's face. "Oh, God . . . we're dead."

Ronon's voice was stern, his expression grim. "McKay, calm down. Try to see if he's moving, yell at him until he hears you."

"Right, sorry, I get a little . . . never mind . . . going back out now." Rodney moved out of the cave and as close to the edge as he dared. "Colonel!" As he watched, the form began to move around and he gasped with relief.

John wasn't sure if he had actually passed out, but he gradually became aware that the pain in his gut had eased enough for him to breathe. He slowly got his arms underneath him and pushed himself into a sitting position. Rubbing his head, he remembered how much his body ached and burned with the new exertion and the battering he had taken.

"Colonel!"

John almost smiled; a voice from above. Twisting around from his seated position, he saw a form standing just outside the cave entrance waving at him. He was pretty sure it was McKay. "I'm okay, go back in!" he yelled, although his voice never got very loud. Mostly it was just low and scratchy, so he motioned for McKay to go back in the cave. He noticed the man waited until he was actually standing and moving to come up the hill before he complied. Grabbing the pack and stray MREs, John climbed the incline to the cave slowly, convinced it had somehow gotten longer since morning.

He staggered in, seeing Rodney standing by the door and both he and Ronon staring at him. He didn't have the energy to say anything yet. First he needed to sit. But before he made it to the far wall, he suddenly dropped to his knees and doubled over as a new wave of pain tore through his stomach. Grunting and panting for several minutes, he barely noticed as Rodney got down on one knee beside him and placed a support hand on his back.

When the pain finally backed off again, he was shaking even worse than before. He pushed Rodney's helping hand away and crawled to the wall of the cave, turning so he could lean on it for support. He drew his knees up to his chest to be ready for the next wave.

"What happened to you?" asked Rodney, his face pale with both worry and the stress of being on his feet so long.

"Sit down . . . Rodney . . . before you . . . pass out." John grit his teeth against a short wave of pain and then relaxed a bit. "I'll be fine in a while. Something I ate." He leaned his head back against the wall and tried to slow his breathing some.

Rodney picked up the pack and eased himself down next to John. "What happened? You look awful."

John chuckled as he glanced at Rodney. "You always had . . . a way with words."

Ronon grunted from his position a few feet away. "He's right this time. You look like you tangled with a tarclay."

John and Rodney both looked over at Ronon. "A what?" they asked in unison.

Ronon smiled mischievously. "Now you know how I feel most of the time."

McKay waved his hand back at Ronon at the same time he turned back to John. "Never mind him. What happened to you? I know you didn't look like this when you left here." Rodney looked Sheppard over, noting the new tears in his uniform, cuts and scrapes on his face and arms, and the unusually large amount of grass and dirt in his hair. He pulled one of John's arms out straight and pointed to his raw and slightly bloody forearm. "I'm pretty sure you still had skin on your arms when you left."

John started to answer, but another wave of pain hit and he leaned forward, curling up as tight as he could, his head pressed against his knees as he tried to breathe through the fireball in his gut. When it passed, he was once again trembling and panting.

Rodney frowned from beside him. "You remind me of a woman using Lamaze to get through childbirth."

John snorted. "McKay, don't _even_ go there. That is so not funny."

"Fine, but you do. Now tell me what happened for you to be having birth pains and no skin on your arms."

John looked up blearily at Ronon. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I should never have left you alone with him all this time. Please don't hurt me when you're better."

"Get us out of this mess and I'll think about it," Ronon grumbled, but the slight twinkle in his eyes gave him away.

John nodded. He turned back to Rodney, still staring at him. "Okay Rodny, you want to know about my day? I'll tell you. I found the jumper, but it was too far down a ravine to get to without repelling gear. But there were several rations scattered down the hill leading to the drop off."

"You didn't."

"When I looked, it didn't seem all that steep and I thought I could do it okay."

McKay smirked. "I see two problems already, you looked and then you thought. I knew we shouldn't let you out to play by yourself."

John just glared at McKay for several seconds. "Do you want to hear this or not?"

Rodney glanced back at Ronon. "Entertainment." Ronon nodded.

"What?" John raised his eyebrows, realizing he had just missed something.

"Never mind, Colonel, we don't want to overtax that incredible mind of yours. Please continue." Rodney put his hand on John's shoulder and squeezed when he closed his eyes against another wave of pain.

John blew out a deep breath as his stomach seemed to relax a bit. "I had a little mishap going down the hill and sort of banged myself up. He looked down at his abraded forearms, wincing at how raw they felt. He probably should clean those up after while. He looked up at Rodney and Ronon. "I got some food and another bottle of Tylenol out of it."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "So you risked your life for Tylenol, Colonel. Yes, definitely the smart thing to do. It really is a good thing you're not the brains of this outfit." Rodney looked at the way Sheppard was eyeing him and made zipping motion across his lips.

"On the way back, I found these alien carrots that are pretty good. I brought a lot back with me and you guys can have some for supper."

He reached over to get the pack and pull it over closer. Reaching in, he pulled out one of the carrots. "They aren't bad and they seem harmless."

Rodney looked in the pack and picked up one of the apple-grape fruits. "What about these? They look like apples."

John snatched it from Rodney's hand as he doubled over, a new wave of cramps tearing through his middle. When he could breathe again, he stood and picked up the pack. Weaving his way to the cave entrance, he reached in and pulled the fruits out one by one, tossing them down the hill. He turned to find them looking at him. "Well, unless you want to end up doubled over in pain and vomiting, I wouldn't suggest eating those things." John stumbled back to his seat and sat down, trying to control the shaking in his hands and limbs.

"You ate this stuff?" asked Rodney incredulously. "You have no idea what is and isn't poisonous on this planet. You don't just randomly go around eating alien roots and fruits, hoping they don't poison you."

John sighed and looked up at Rodney. "You do when you're running out of food and you left your guide to edible alien plants book at home. We needed more food and tasting it is the only way I know to figure out what's edible and what's not. This one is." He held up one of the carrots. "Those apple things were not. And I can prove . . . it." His voice became strained as he bent over against the newest wave.

McKay let out a deep breath. "I guess you're right. I just don't know why it's always got to be you."

John relaxed as the wave passed. "It's what I do, McKay. You know that by now." John leaned over and pulled the ibuprofen out of one of the bags. "Here, we have Tylenol for Ronon's fever now, so take some of this for your back. If this goes on much longer, I may need you to help care for Ronon if you can. Now, how about some supper?"

Rodney looked down at John's shaking hands. "Supper's good. Is that from the poison apples?"

John smiled. "Yeah, but I don't know that they're actually poisonous." Rodney stared, as if fascinated, making John incredibly nervous. "Rodney?"

"Oh, I was just thinking. If we had eggs, you could make scrambled eggs without even stirring. Just hold the fork in the bowl and shake."

"You are so weird . . . not to mention rude."

"So I've been told."

Between flashes of stomach cramps, John managed to feed the two, splitting an MRE and supplementing with the alien carrots and a treat in the form of a candy bar. John was pretty sure Rodney couldn't have had a more euphoric expression on his face than when he was eating the chocolate, probably not even for sex. He got Ronon out to take care of his personal business and then collected wood for the night. Once everyone was settled, he cleaned up his abraded arms and the cuts on his face. By the time he had finished everything, it was almost dark and he was exhausted. The stomach cramps and shaking had lessened, easing Rodney's concern that John was going to keel over in a coma at any minute.

"Get some sleep," said Ronon, almost like it was an order.

John made his way over to check Ronon's temperature. "You won't have to tell me twice tonight. Just let me make sure you don't have a fever." He felt Ronon's head and decided, while he felt a bit warm, it wasn't bad. "How are you feeling tonight? I think we have one or two doses of morphine left."

Ronon shook his head. "It's not so bad I can't sleep."

John nodded and gave him some Tylenol. "Go ahead and take some of these. Maybe they can do a little something for the pain and the fever."

John returned to his spot and stoked the fire. "Anyone need anything before I turn in?"

Ronon and Rodney both shook their head and mumbled, "No."

"Okay, I'm history, guys." John lay on his left side and willed the tension to ease out of him. He still ached all over and his stomach felt sore and abused. The shaking was less, but still bugging the crap out of him. He finally drifted off into an uneasy sleep, willing them to be rescued while there was still time.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 7**

_"Elizabeth!" John screamed her name as he watched her slip underwater. He was on the catwalk and he couldn't reach her. He was half tempted to dive in until he sensed a presence behind him. He turned to see Athar's glowy form. But that was not the name he thought of her by. "Chaya!" He was glad to see her. "Atlantis is sinking again. You have to help us! Tell me what to do!"_

_"There is nothing to be done, John," Chaya said softly, one hand reaching out to him. _

_He couldn't accept that. "Then why are you here?"_

She moved closer, glowing more brightly now. "I have come for you."

"Come for me?" He didn't understand. Nor did he have time to figure it out. Everyone in Atlantis was dying. Everyone he cared about was sinking beneath the cold waves.

_"It is time for you to join us," Chaya whispered. "Come, John. Take my hand and be with me."_

_But John backed away from her. "No," he whispered, then he was shouting, "NO! If you can't save all of us then I'll die with them!" He made to dive over the railing but a flash of white light blinded him and he stumbled and then warmth was wrapped around him and John blinked hard and when he could see again he realized he was being pulled away from Atlantis. He watched the city sink beneath the water, until there was nothing left but a ripple. He closed his eyes and screamed._

"Sheppard!"

John jolted awake at the sound of his name, his throat tight as he choked on a scream. He remembered the dream and it left him shaken and sick and he half crawled, half stumbled to the cave entrance, barely making it outside before he was retching. He heaved until he was dizzy and gasping as pain throbbed in his skull and his ribs screamed in agony. He didn't know how long it took before he could sit up and breathe properly again.

Then suddenly Rodney was there, moaning as he sat beside him. "Hey, you okay?"

"Been better," John replied, his throat feeling raw and burned. A water bottle appeared and he took it gratefully, sucking down small mouthfuls that offered relief.

"Must have been one hell of a dream," Rodney said.

John rubbed at his eyes, willing the ache in his head to ease. Willing his nausea to disappear as well, but it looked like he wasn't going to get his wish today. After a moment he said, "I've had worse." Biting back a moan, John made it to his feet. He stared down at Rodney's pale face, seeing sweat shining on his skin. "How's your back?" he asked, guessing the cause of Rodney's agony.

Looking piteous, Rodney replied, "Horrible. I don't think I can get up right now and I really have to pee."

"I'll help you," John replied, automatically. He was already moving to get Rodney's arm slung over his shoulder and it was only then that he realized there were bandages on his forearms.

"I cleaned and wrapped them while you were sleeping," Rodney replied, apparently having noticed John's reaction.

John felt grateful and uneasy. "Thanks," he said, before gritting his teeth and hauling Rodney to his feet. But as he got them both outside he realized he must have really been out of it for Rodney to be able to do that without him noticing. And that was not a good sign. He would have to try and be more alert in the future. Rodney and Ronon were depending on him to keep them alive and well until help came. John just hoped that the rescue team would arrive soon.

They did their business outside then went in and John got Rodney settled and handed over some ibuprofen.

"You should take some too," Rodney stated. "With all the cuts and stuff, it might help in case you get an infection."

"I'll take some later if I need them," John replied. He knew he needed to save what little they had left for his companions. He then turned his attention to Ronon. "Let's get you outside, big guy," John said. "Then I'm going to head out on another water run."

Ronon did what he could to help get to his feet, but he was still resting rather heavily on John as he spoke. "We have enough water for now, Sheppard. You need to rest today."

John opened his mouth to argue the fact, only he knew they would both catch him out in a lie. He was exhausted and barely able to stay on his feet. He did need to rest a bit if he was going to be of any use to them. So he nodded as he hauled Ronon out of the cave. "You win. I'll rest today."

Once Ronon had taken care of nature, John got him back inside and checked for fever. He felt fairly cool today but John still gave him some Tylenol. Then he got both Ronon and Rodney breakfast, mentally calculating when he'd have to replenish their food supply again. Wouldn't hurt to get more tomorrow along with the water.

"You need to eat something, Sheppard," Rodney spoke up, when John moved to settle himself in the corner.

"I'll eat later," John promised, the lie coming out smoothly. He would try a bit of the carrot things later, when his stomach was more settled. It was still a bit twisted up in knots after the apple-grape thing. "I'm gonna catch a few z's," he announced. "Wake me if you need me." And with that he closed his eyes and drifted off into a restless slumber.

He woke up at lunch time, or there about, and he was surprised to realize he hadn't dreamed this time. Pain spasmed throughout his body, but John ignored it as he pushed himself to his feet. He checked on his companions, discovering both of them had dozed off as well. Ronon felt warm again and John woke him to take some Tylenol, then he hauled him up and outside for a bathroom break. Rodney was next and John gave him Tylenol too. Rodney was trying to be brave and insist he didn't need it and that his back was fine now, but John could see the pain he was in so he insisted on the pills. Then he got Rodney outside, but it was a long trek because Rodney was leaning on John quite heavily.

By the time they got back, John felt wiped out again. He practically crawled around delivering food and water to his charges, and he took a bite of the carrot thing under their watchful gaze. Unfortunately, his stomach recoiled and John set the food aside.

"You need to eat that," Rodney told him, from where he sat eating his MRE.

"Stomach is still off," John replied. "I'll try again later." He then changed the subject matter. "Maybe we'll have a new shipment of movies to watch when we get back," he said.

Rodney snorted. "You're just hoping for the latest Harry Potter film, that Goblet something thing."

John grinned. "Goblet of Fire," he supplied. "And yep, I can't wait to see it. The book was great."

"Did you ever finish reading War and Peace?" Rodney queried.

"Nope. Never found the time," John replied.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yet you found time to read the latest Harry Potter book," he reminded him.

John shrugged, then winced, feeling the pull of pain over his entire body. "Harry Potter is an easier read," he stated, then he looked over at Ronon. "So what movie have you liked best so far?" he asked.

"Star Wars," Ronon replied without hesitation. "Although that Spiderman one was interesting."

"There are other choices besides Sci Fi movies," Rodney interjected.

Sheppard made a face then grinned. "Like what?" he prompted.

Rodney wouldn't look at him as he muttered, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

"I love that movie!" John enthused. "I haven't seen it in years."

"We should watch it when we get back, all of us," Rodney said. "I could use the laugh."

John couldn't have agreed more. "We'll get Teyla and Elizabeth and Beckett too," he said.

Ronon snorted this time. "You mean as soon as Beckett lets us out of the infirmary."

"There is that," John allowed. He was tired of the hours he had racked up in that place, but he knew it would be unavoidable for them, yet again. So far Ronon had spent the least time there.

"Batman versus Superman?" Rodney suddenly interjected.

John didn't hesitate. "Batman."

Ronon was grinning. "Superman."

"Rodney?" John prompted.

"Batman," Rodney replied.

John was intrigued. "Why Batman?" He knew his own reasons. The man wasn't superhuman, he was just a guy doing extraordinary things and that's how John felt about himself, most of the time. Well, particularly since coming to Atlantis.

Rodney looked embarrassed but after a moment he muttered, "He has all the cool gadgets."

That made John laugh, but not for long, the sound in his ears and the motion of his chest made his head and body ache abominably. He could feel both Rodney and Ronon watching him closely, too closely, so he had to distract them again. "Favorite American Idol." They had watched up to season 4 on DVD. Teyla, in particular, had enjoyed the show and John thought it would be cool to take her to Earth some day. She'd pass an audition without even trying and give Kelly Clarkson a run for her money.

"Fanta..Fan...the dark one," Ronon replied.

"Fantasia," Rodney responded. "She was okay. "I thought Bo Bice should have won during his season."

John was surprised by that. Rodney was always a wonder, keeping him guessing about how his big scary mind worked. Which John rather enjoyed. "I liked Kelly Clarkson the best," he said, after Rodney reminded him he hadn't named his favorite.

Ronon was nodding. "On my world we would call her Eshru. Gifted one," he explained.

"You have another language?" Rodney asked, looking surprised and curious.

"Of course." Ronon looked amused and a bit offended. "The word of the old ones. My father taught it to me before he died."

John was curious to know more. "How did your father die?" he queried.

Ronon's expression tightened and his eyes grew dark. "Culling. I became the man of my family that day," he said softly.

"You had siblings?" Rodney asked. Then explained when Ronon looked confused. "A brother or sister."

"A younger sister." Ronon scrubbed a hand over his face, leaving behind a streak of dirt to blend in with the others. "They disappeared when I was sixteen summers. I joined the military because they traveled and I thought maybe I could find them."

John could feel Ronon's sadness as he prompted, "Did you?"

Ronon shook his head. "No. And now that Sateda is destroyed, I never will."

"I'm sorry." John meant it. He knew how it felt to lose family. Not that he would ever talk about it, which he knew Ronon at least would understand.

"Can't change the past," Ronon replied. "No sense in dwelling on it."

Rodney looked strangely upset by those words, but then he turned to John and said, "Do you speak any other languages?"

John decided it wouldn't hurt to answer this one. "French."

"Really?" Rodney didn't sound convinced. "Say something."

"Don't want too." John decided he could have a bit of fun teasing Rodney. Which they continued with for about twenty minutes, with Ronon tossing comments in here and there, until John gave in and, in fluent French, told Rodney who had taken his coffee stash and why. It was obvious the scientist didn't understand him, which was a relief. Radek would be pissed if he thought John had given him up. Not that he ever would. Zelenka was a good guy, and sometimes they hung out in the jumper Bay while the Czech instructed John on how to repair the jumpers. A little secret they kept from McKay, just so John could spring his knowledge on him some day. He just hoped he would get that chance.

After a time Rodney announced he was still hungry and John got him a powerbar. He then checked on Ronon's temp, which felt like it was normal again. John then made another attempt at eating the carrot thing, just to get Rodney off his back. After that he settled back in for another nap, this time sleeping straight through until dinner. He dreamed again but the images were fractured and nothing unsettled him enough to wake him up.

The first thing John did was reach for a bottle of water. Once he had slaked his thirst he checked on his companions. Rodney was dozing but Ronon was awake. John knew he was keeping watch over them as best he could. Moving slowly, he got to his feet and tried to work out the stiffness. His ever present headache was making itself known, and his stomach was still feeling queasy. He thought maybe he was hungry this time, instead of sick. But another bite of the carrot proved him wrong. So he put it aside and went to Ronon. "Need to pee?" he asked.

Ronon nodded and they went to work getting him onto his feet and out of the cave. Rodney was awake by the time they got back, so John got him out too. Once back inside he gave them supper then headed out to collect wood for the night fire. He tried eating again, to no avail, but he lied to Rodney saying he had munched on a power bar while collecting wood. Rodney seemed to buy it for now. A look at Ronon and John knew the Satedan realized his lie, but he let it slide and that was all John cared about.

After supper was done, Ronon regaled them with tales of Sateda and Rodney numbed them with stories about his college days. As the sky darkened, John got them back out for another bathroom break, not realizing until he had them both back inside and settled in for the night that he hadn't gone to the bathroom himself since morning. He went back out to go, but little came out and he wondered if he should be worried about that. He decided it was low on his list of things to be concerned about.

Before heading back inside, John looked up into the sky. "Come on guys," he whispered. "Come find us."

OoO

Lorne scanned the area below him both with the Jumper's scanner and his own eyes. They were doing a more intense ground search this time. But they were only one planet down with four more to go. He only hoped that Sheppard and his team could afford to wait to be found.

**THE END...of part 7**


	8. Chapter 8

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 8**

Four days passed by slowly. John found himself checking the sky, willing someone to appear, if only from the force of his will. He was beginning to lose hope that anyone would come. Rodney was already pronouncing them dead and buried as far as Atlantis was concerned. He was starting to give up and it was affecting his health.

So John had pushed Rodney into helping him take care of Ronon. The Satedan had finally gone two days without his fever coming back, but it had left him weakened. So while John was gone fetching food and water, he placed Rodney in charge of caring for Ronon. Luckily, Rodney took the responsibility seriously. It helped ease the burden for John a bit.

He wasn't feeling so hot. He had put off the trip for more water for two days because he felt sick and his head was killing him. It had been hard keeping up a front for Rodney and Ronon. Harder still to pretend he was eating when just the sight of food made him want to retch. He made due by drinking water, and sometimes it felt like he was sucking it down constantly. But, weirdly enough, it wasn't making him pee all that much. Vaguely he felt that should worry him, but he felt too lethargic to try and work up any genuine concern.

Today it took John longer than usual to reach the stream. He had lost track of the direction twice. At one point he must have passed out because he woke up, the sun scorching his skin, to find himself face down on the baked ground. It had taken him a while to be able to get back on his feet and moving. He felt sluggish and every part of him ached.

But he finally made it to the stream and spent some time refilling the water bottles. He hadn't bothered with the container this time since Ronon was better, and John seriously doubted he could have hauled it back anyway. Of late Rodney had an easier time getting Ronon in and out of the cave to pee than John did. He knew Ronon was aware of his deteriorating condition but, fortunately, the Satedan knew enough to stay silent. John didn't want Rodney to know how rotten he really felt. To do so would only send McKay into a full blown panic. Keeping Rodney calm the past few days wasn't easy as it was.

After getting the water bottles filled and back in his pack, John eased himself into the water. Despite the heat of the sun, the water was cold, making him gasp as it soaked his heated flesh. John submerged himself completely, soaking his head and scrubbing at his hair then submerging a few times until he was shuddering with the cold and his teeth were chattering.

He stumbled as he stepped back out onto the bank, falling to his knees beside his heavy pack. He had to will himself to his feet, shouldering his burden and moving out once more. On the way back he got lost and it was nearing dark when he finally made it back on track.

OoO

Lorne was worried. They had only one more planet to check. If they didn't find Sheppard and his team this time, then he would have to return to Atlantis and deliver the bad news. Determination etched into his face, Lorne set the Jumper down and ordered his team to move out. Come hell or high water, he was going find Sheppard and his team and bring them home.

OoO

Rodney was worried. Sheppard had been gone a long time, way past what it usually took him to forage food and water and return. "Something's wrong," he stated, as he paced by the entrance to the cave, periodically staring out. He kept hoping to catch sight of Sheppard.

"He'll be back," Ronon stated firmly. "He's probably just resting along the way. We're all tired."

"He looks like hell!" Rodney snapped. "He's sick, I just know it. He probably died along the way and crows or some alien version of them are eating him as we speak!"

Ronon shifted, pushing himself to his feet. Using his cane he somehow managed to hop over to McKay, grabbing the scientist by the shirt front and shaking him, although there was no real threat in his grasp. He was weak now, as they all were. "Sheppard is FINE!" Ronon rumbled.

Rodney squeaked, hands moving to grip Ronon's wrists. "Yes, yes! Of course...he's fine," Rodney echoed. "Sorry...I'm sorry. I'm just...worried."

"I need to pee," Ronon said, releasing Rodney's shirt and smoothing it with clumsy fingers.

"Right..pee," Rodney replied. "Yeah...me too." He moved to Ronon's good side, letting the Satedan drape a heavy arm over his shoulders. Slowly they made their way out of the cave. After taking care of business, they began the long trek back inside. Only Ronon stumbled without warning, shifting too much weight onto Rodney.

Rodney cried out as he felt himself falling, and suddenly he hit the ground hard with Ronon's body falling over him. A white flash of pain in his head and back made him scream, then there was shadowy darkness engulfing him and when he came back to awareness he realized he could barely breathe.

Panic overtook Rodney for a moment, till he realized that he was being crushed by Ronon. He tried to shove the big guy off him and succeeded only in making his back wrench with pain. "Ronon..." he whispered, because trying to suck in enough air to be louder hurt too much. "You have to wake up," Rodney begged. Panic flared again and he struggled to push Ronon off him, only to feel pain spike through his back and darkness claimed him.

OoO

Shadowy darkness surrounded John by the time he reached the cave. Head down he stumbled up the slope to the entrance, only to trip over a dark mass. He grunted as his knees hit the ground and his ribs came in contact with something fleshy. It took him a moment to snap into focus enough to realize that he had fallen on Ronon and Rodney.

Ronon made a grunting sound as well, eyes coming open to rest on Sheppard's face.

"What happened?" John asked, as he reached out to check Rodney's pulse. Rodney stirred at the touch, whimpering in pain.

"Sheppard?" he whispered, and his voice sounded painfully hoarse.

John locked eyes with him. "Rodney...what happened? Why are you out here?"

Rodney closed his eyes, biting his lower lip as the lines of pain that slashed his forehead deepened. "Took Ronon out... for a... bathroom break and he fell on me. Back...hurts." His voice was slurred and his skin was clammy.

"God...I'm sorry." John felt guilt wash over him. If he hadn't gotten lost, if he had made it back hours ago, this wouldn't have happened.

"My fault," Ronon interjected, as if reading John's thoughts. "I came too and tried to get us back up, but I didn't get far before I passed out."

John had moved to assess Ronon's leg. It felt hot to his touch and he could see how much pain the Satedan was in. He shrugged off the back pack, his own hurts forgotten as he grabbed two water bottles and gave them both something to drink. "How long were you out here?" he asked, silently cursing himself again.

Ronon squinted up at the sky. "A couple of hours."

"Rodney's blood sugar is going to be low." John had taken a powerbar with him, one of their last ones, at Rodney's insistence. He knew he wouldn't touch it and now he was grateful. Breaking off a piece he pushed it into Rodney's mouth, moving behind him to lift him a bit, steeling himself against McKay's moan of pain at being moved. "Chew and swallow, Rodney," John commanded, and he was pleased when McKay obeyed him. John got half of the bar into him, then he looked at Ronon. "I'll take Rodney inside then be back for you."

"Be careful," Ronon cautioned, as he watched John move to pull Rodney up with his back against John's chest, his arms linked over Rodney's chest.

John hated having to drag Rodney, but there was no way in hell he could carry him. Rodney moaned and whimpered the entire way and once inside John settled him carefully, laying him on his back. "I'll be back with Ronon," John told him. He didn't wait for rodney to reply.

Running back outside, John wasn't sure how he found the strength, but he got Ronon up and back inside the cave. He gave him Tylenol and some food, then went back out to get the back pack of water. Back out again for wood and John started a fire. He felt like he was buzzed on something and he realized he was operating on a pure adrenaline rush.

But it didn't last. By the time he got the fire going, John could feel his body becoming sluggish again and his mind became cloudy. He had to concentrate hard on what he had to do, and think out each movement he made. Eventually he watched Ronon drift off to sleep, then John focused all his attention on Rodney. He spent the night giving McKay bites of food, and he managed to get some Tylenol down him. They had four pills left.

Just before dawn John fell into a restless doze. He came awake to Rodney crying out from a nightmare. He woke him up, gave him some water and tried to keep a neutral expression on his face as he asked, "How's your back?"

"Hurts...hurts bad," Rodney whispered, and he sounded so damn broken that John felt fear ripple through him. Rodney shouldn't have to suffer. None of them should. "I have one thing of morphine left," John offered.

"Please," Rodney whispered.

John got up and went to the pack where the morphine was. He glanced over at Ronon who was watching him with heavy-lidded eyes. He held up the morphine and Ronon nodded. They both knew Rodney needed it most. John gave McKay the shot then made him drink some water before allowing him to drift off to sleep again.

After a bit John got up and moved to Ronon. "Want to go out to pee or use a container?"

"I need to move around," Ronon said, but he was moving as sluggishly as John was.

"You hungry?" John asked, as they made their way outside.

Ronon shook his head. "I can wait. We need to save what we have. You won't be able to make many more trips." His gaze roamed over John as he spoke, seeing more than John was comfortable with. Ronon knew he wasn't eating and why.

But John wasn't going to let himself give up. "They'll come for us," he said, vehemence in his tone. "Soon!"

"Soon," Ronon echoed. He let John guide him over to a corner of the bathroom area then did his business.

John did the same, without really feeling the need to relieve himself. Then they made the trek back and once Ronon was settled again, John focused on Rodney. Suddenly it hit him that he might be able to give Rodney some relief. He grabbed their lone blanket and used one of Ronon's knives to cut off a third of it. Then he grabbed a water bottle and wet it. Then he moved to the fire that was still burning and let the flames heat the blanket without letting it burn. He then moved to Rodney and pushed the heated mass under his back before settling him back on it. "The heat might help," John explained to Ronon, seeing the Satedan's confusion over his actions.

How many hours passed, John didn't know. He kept reheating the makeshift heat pack until Rodney stirred and said he had to pee. John brought a container then dumped it. He used one of the few wipes they had left to clean his hands then fed Rodney part of their last MRE. He gave Ronon the fruit and carrot things and some water, then he went back to putting the heat back on Rodney's back.

As he worked John did something he hadn't done in years. He prayed. Because he knew if someone didn't come soon, then they were going to die here. And that was a failure John wasn't ready to accept.

**THE END...of part 8**


	9. Chapter 9

**Note: **Thanks for the feedback and now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 9

John opened his eyes and stared at the cave ceiling. Today was two weeks. For two weeks he'd been telling Rodney that they would come for them and for him not to give up. For the first time, he was beginning to doubt it would be in time to save them. Rodney had once again injured his back when he and Ronon fell, and he could no longer get up and down by himself. Ronon's fever had come back and John had spent most of the night sponging the big man off. They were out of both Tylenol and ibuprofen. With only two bottles of water and no food, he'd have to make a run for both today. He wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at the prospect since he could barely stand himself. He was pretty sure this would be the last run.

His own condition had been deteriorating at a fast rate the last few days and he knew he didn't have long left. He'd run his hand through his hair last night and come away with a clump of it in his fingers. Under other circumstances, Rodney probably would have laughed at his expression, but they all knew it meant he was in serious trouble. No one had said anything, no one needed to.

He heard the sound of Rodney starting to stir and made himself sit up. He had to do this one last time. He slipped a glance at his 9mm sitting beside him, but refused to consider the option it provided. They had all agreed they would fight until the last minute. They would find them eventually, of that he had no doubt and he would not be found a quitter.

"Rodney." His voice was so low and hoarse, he barely recognized it. "Time to wake up, Rodney." He watched as McKay's eyes fluttered open, not liking how dull they looked. "I'll help you sit up." John took Rodney's arm and helped him slide up so that his back was against the cave wall. He didn't miss the look of agony that twisted the scientist's face or the groans of pain. Rodney was panting and pale by the time he was sitting up. "I'm sorry, Rodney."

After a few moments, Rodney got his breath. "S'okay," he mumbled.

"I can take you outside when you're ready."

Rodney finally settled enough to look at John. He wasn't entirely sure John would be able to support him, but he nodded anyway. They both looked over at Ronon, watching him sleep. His brow was furrowed in pain and sweat beaded his face.

"He's not doing so well," observed Rodney.

"Yeah, I know. I have to go after food and water today. I need you to watch him . . . it may take me a while." John's last few trips had taken all day because he usually got lost or confused along the way and he would periodically just black out. He was hot from his own fever, his arm wounds having been infected for several days, but so far he'd been able to keep it hidden. No use worrying Rodney any more that he already was.

John helped Rodney struggle to his feet and get outside to relieve himself. Once he had him settled in the cave again, he tried to rouse Ronon. "Ronon, come on big guy, bathroom break before I go on my field trip."

Ronon finally opened his eyes and looked at him. "Eznik, what are you doing here? We thought you had been captured."

John and Rodney looked at one another. "Oh, this is bad," said Rodney in a panicked voice.

"It's just the fever, he'll be fine."

"Is that all you two know how to say? It's Sheppard, he'll be fine. It's Ronon, he'll be fine. It's just the fever, he'll be fine. They're coming for us, don't give up. What's next? He's just dead, he'll be fine. This river of optimism has gotten us nowhere. Look at us Colonel, we're dying, all of us. And from the looks of it, you and Ronon will go first and leave me here to die by myself. I'm sick of it! Where's the rescue team, Colonel, because I want to go home!" Rodney was panting and red-faced by the time he finished his tirade.

John didn't say anything, mostly because he knew there was nothing to say. He was too tired to make anything up or think of a snappy come-back. He just stood and looked at Rodney with a sad expression and said, "I'm sorry, Rodney."

That scared McKay worse than anything else had up to this point, because to him it meant that a part of Sheppard had given up, and Sheppard was the one who never gave up. He sat in a daze as the colonel somehow wrestled Ronon to his feet and got him outside. He was lost in his own thoughts of being left alone to die of starvation when he realized Sheppard was standing beside him. He looked up at the shell of his friend.

"McKay, can you hear me?"

Rodney nodded. "Sorry . . . guess I kind of lost it for a minute."

Sheppard smiled at him, making him feel even guiltier. "It's okay, I think you're entitled. I put the rest of the water within reach and I'm leaving an empty container in case you need to relieve yourself. Try to get Ronon to drink a little if you can. I'll be back with more water and whatever food I can find. Don't feel like you have to wait up."

Rodney couldn't tell if Sheppard was trying to lighten the mood, or let him know he might not make it back. He didn't really think he wanted to know. They were both aware Sheppard had to try or they would all die. "Try not to get lost this time."

"I'll work on it, but no promises. You know I don't like to ask for directions. I'll be back before dark."

No one had the energy to even smile at the attempted humor. Rodney watched Sheppard drag out of the cave, weaving slightly as he walked. He couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever see him again.

oOo

"Keep your eyes open, this is the last planet that is habitable and, therefore, their last chance at being found alive." Lorne flew the jumper as low to the ground as he dared. His men were tired and almost out of hope. He couldn't even imagine having to go back to Atlantis and report the loss of the three men on jumper five. It would devastate a lot of people.

"Sir . . . could you pass over that last sector again? I think I'm detecting a life sign."

The jumper was dead silent as he turned to Lt. Bond. "Lt., how sure are you about that life sign?" He was almost afraid to ask.

"Pretty sure, sir . . . but I'm only detecting one."

Lorne took a deep breath. They would handle that possibility when they got there. He glanced back at Teyla, but her face was neutral as she nodded to him. He nodded back and returned his attention to Bond. "Show me."

oOo

John no longer had any idea what time it was. He'd finally found the stream after wandering around in confusion for several hours. When the water bottles were filled, he'd climbed into the stream to cool his fevered body. Emerging wet and shivering, he'd moved on to the bushes with the berries. He only managed to find a handful, but gathered what he saw.

Next he moved on to the carrot patch, as he called it. It took twice as long to get there as usual because of his staggering, disoriented gait. There weren't many left, but he pulled what he could find and stuffed them in his pack. When he tried to stand, a wave of dizziness knocked him off his feet and his vision grayed out. A strange sound from above jarred him back to consciousness, but by the time he was awake and coherent, he was no longer sure if he'd actually heard something, or he'd been hallucinating. He made himself get up. It was getting late and he'd promised he'd be back by dark. He had to make it back to check on Rodney and Ronon.

As he covered the last few feet to the clearing, making himself put one foot in front of the other, he thought he heard voices. He would have laughed if he'd had the energy. Now he really was hallucinating, because he recognized some of the voices. As he cleared the tree line, his mouth dropped open and he was not aware of the pack sliding from his now slack hand. There, in the middle of the clearing, sat a jumper with familiar faces emerging from the open back hatch.

oOo

Approaching the clearing they had selected as a landing site, Lorne studied the terrain. "Look at that," he exclaimed, pointing to the trench left by jumper five as it crash landed. "This is it! This is where they went down." He could feel the excitement mounting in the men behind them. He knew everyone in the jumper was clinging to the first sign of hope they'd had in a long time.

Teyla was carefully trying to remain calm as the jumper landed. In her mind, she was screaming at Lorne to hurry, that her friends were probably injured and needed her. Her outer countenance remained passive, however, as she prepared to help search for her lost teammates. They had detected only one life sign, and the possibility that two of her friends had perished was almost unthinkable. He mind whirred as each of them went through her thoughts and she silently prayed that they had all somehow survived.

"All right, move out and assemble beside the jumper while we set up search groups." Lorne led the way out the back hatch and then turned to face the jumper and the soldiers emerging from it. He was waiting on the last couple of men to clear the jumper when he noticed the odd expression on the faces of Teyla and the soldier standing next to her. She began slowly walking forward, looking almost like she'd seen a ghost. He turned around as he followed her with his gaze, intending to ask her where she was going. Before he could open his mouth, he saw the reason for her distraction.

Teyla could scarcely believe her eyes. She looked at the pale, thin form for several seconds before allowing herself to believe it was really John Sheppard. His face was partially hidden by a beard, but she could still see his hollow cheeks and sunken eyes. His tattered clothes hung on his slim frame and he was filthy, with dirt and grass matting his normally spiked hair. As she walked slowly forward, he allowed the pack in his hands to slide to the ground from his now slack hands. She stopped when she was directly in front of him and stood looking into his unbelieving eyes. She smiled as she placed her hands on his shoulders and leaned her head forward.

John was sure this was a hallucination. He was terrified that if he moved, Teyla and the jumper would disappear, so he remained frozen to his spot at the edge of the clearing. But then Teyla had touched him, putting her hands on his shoulders and leaning forward in the customary Athosian greeting. He closed his eyes, silently hoping they didn't vanish, and touched his forehead to hers. He could feel her skin against his and his heart began thumping in his chest. He pulled his head back and opened his eyes. "Are you real?" he whispered.

Teyla smiled broadly, her own heart racing. "Yes, Colonel . . . John. We are real. We have come to take you home." She didn't comment on his frail appearance or the heat radiating from his fevered body. Now was not the time.

Lorne approached the two figures, almost unable to believe they had finally found them. The frail man in the shredded clothes reminded him more of zombies from a bad science fiction movie than his CO. He wasn't sure how the pilot was still on his feet.

"Colonel Sheppard, sir, I can't tell you how glad we are to have finally found you." Lorne couldn't help but think that Sheppard looked like he was in shock. The pilot stared at him, almost as if he was afraid Lorne would disappear, until his eyes widened, as if he had suddenly emerged from a daze.

"Major, did Carson come? Or maybe Nick? Ronon and Rodney are injured." John stepped forward, scanning the men standing around the jumper for the faces of the Atlantis physicians.

"No sir, we were gone too long to bring one of the docs with us, but we do have a couple of good medics and some supplies. Sir . . . are you sure they're alive? We only detected one life sign." Lorne couldn't imagine being trapped on a planet for two weeks injured and with limited supplies, wondering if and when help would come, but he imagined if you were the only survivor in such a situation, it could play tricks with your mind.

John had a moment of panic, but then realized that surely they hadn't both died while he was gone. They hadn't been in any immediate danger, of that he was fairly certain. "They're alive. They're in a cave up ahead. Tell the medics to grab a couple of stretchers and their supplies and I'll show you." He felt the needed surge of adrenalin kick in and he planned on using it to get help to his injured friends. "Follow me."

Lorne was amazed at the fast pace Sheppard set as he took off across the clearing. Teyla ran to catch him and Lorne turned to Lt. Bond, but the young man was already handling things.

"Go, sir, stay with Colonel Sheppard. I'll bring the medics and equipment. We'll be right behind you."

Lorne nodded gratefully at the officer and ran to catch up to Teyla and Sheppard. They jogged for several minutes before Sheppard stopped. He pointed to the top of a rocky hill. "The cave is up there. The only safe way up is over this way." Without waiting for a response, he immediately began climbing the steep trail to their right.

Rodney had been trying to give Ronon a drink when John rushed into the cave and stopped at his feet, panting and swaying as if he would topple over at any minute. He started to ask what was wrong, when he noticed Sheppard was grinning. Rodney just sat looking at him, wondering if he'd finally lost it.

"They're here! We're going home." His voice hitched as he spoke. "They came for us, Rodney . . . we made it."

Rodney opened his mouth to tell John he was crazy, but stopped when Teyla stepped into the cave and stood beside John, with Major Lorne coming up behind them. "I'm hallucinating," he said softly as he reached up and rubbed his eyes.

"Then I'm having the same hallucination," said Ronon, breaking into a broad grin. "And I don't want this one to stop."

"Ronon, Dr. McKay, it is good to see you both. We have been very worried." Teyla smiled at the two forms before her, relief flooding her to have found them alive. She didn't miss the fact that they were also dirty and thinner, pain etching their features, but she knew the hard part was over. They could take them home to Atlantis.

"We have medics and supplies on the way. We'll have you checked over and on your way back to Atlantis in no time," said Lorne, still marveling at finding all three of them alive.

"Thank goodness," said Rodney. "This whole roughing it routine got old about two weeks ago."

"We've only been here two weeks," said Ronon.

"And your point is . . . "

Lorned looked forlornly at Sheppard. "Sir, now I'm _really_ sorry it took two weeks to find you."

Sheppard just smiled and sighed. "I'm just glad you got here when you did. I'm not sure we could have held out much longer. We lost the jumper and most of our supplies down a ravine shortly after we crashed. Food was getting harder and harder to find."

Lorne couldn't help but look at the way Sheppard's uniform hung loosely on his body. Rodney and Ronon also looked like they had lost weight. "Yes sir, I can see that."

Lt. Bond arrived with the medics and the stretchers and they began to tend to Ronon and Rodney. Sheppard moved over to the side to get out of the way. Lorne and Teyla watched as he slid down the side of the cave and sat watching the medics start an IV on both of his injured teammates. Lorne squatted beside him, pulling a power bar from his vest. "Hungry?"

John glanced briefly at the power bar and shook his head. The thought of trying to eat anything made him nauseous. "Not now. I just want to be sure they get back to Atlantis."

"Sir, we could go ahead and walk back to the jumper. My men will get them back safely when they have them ready to transport."

John shook his head again. "No. I'm staying with them until they get to the jumper. I have to be sure they get there okay."

Lorne and Teyla exchanged a look, noticing that John never took his eyes off the people working on his teammates. They both knew his tenacity for sticking with his people until he was sure they were safe. "Okay sir, we can wait."

Rodney and Ronon were ready to transport within just a few minutes. The medics had decided it would be best to clean and dress wounds back in Atlantis since they were two weeks old. They had checked their vital signs and started an IV in each and given them something for pain, knowing the ride to the jumper over the rocky ground would not be a pleasant one. As they prepared to move out, one of the medics came over and kneeled beside Sheppard.

"Sir, how about if we take a look at you before we head out?"

"No, I'm okay. Let's just get them to the jumper and I'll get checked out in Atlantis." John smiled and used the last of his fading energy to pull himself to his feet, trying to convince the others they needed to get moving. The medic didn't look convinced, but he nodded.

Lorne looked at the medic and nodded toward Sheppard, indicating that he would keep an eye on the colonel during the trip to the jumper. They watched as the two stretchers were lifted and carried out of the cave. Teyla, Lorne, and Sheppard brought up the rear of the parade.

It took a little over an hour to get the stretchers back to the jumper. The rough ground made for difficult travel, especially when carrying a litter. They stopped once for Ronon and Rodney to rest a few minutes, since the medication didn't stop the pain of the trip, only dulled it. Sheppard stumbled more than once, each time being steadied by either Lorne or Teyla as they walked on either side of him. And each time, he pulled away from their grip as soon has he had regained his balance. He was determined to make it back to the jumper under his own power.

John stood in the open back hatch watching as they loaded the stretchers on the jumper. Soldiers entered the ship around him, stealing glances at their disoriented CO, marveling at the fact that he was still standing, reminding them of a Pegasus version of Robinson Crusoe.

"Colonel? Are you ready to go?"

John fought through the fog cluttering his mind to look at Teyla and concentrate on what she was saying. He could hear the buzz of voices and noises around him, but he almost felt like it wasn't real, like he wasn't really there. Everything seemed muffled and vague, like a dream you couldn't quite remember the details of.

"Colonel?"

John forced himself to focus on Teyla. "Yeah, I'm coming." He let her lead him to one of the benches running along the back of the jumper. He was vaguely aware of the hatch closing and the ship becoming airborne. He was going home. He looked down to the medics tending to Ronon and Rodney, who both seemed to be sleeping. "Are they going to be okay?" he asked the medic sitting next to his feet.

"Yes, sir, they should be fine. They're slightly dehydrated and probably malnourished, but their injuries don't seem to be too severe. They'll be fine once Dr. Beckett gets hold of them." The medic smiled up at him, conveying his certainly that they would recover.

John felt the tension begin to drain away, the adrenalin rush long gone. He gave a small, weak smile. "Thanks," he whispered. "Take good care of them, they've been through a lot."

"Nothing but the best, sir."

John nodded. His eyes slowly closed and he felt himself sliding sideways, leaning more and more against Teyla as he finally let the darkness settle in and pull him under.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

**Note:** We are devouring the reviews and loving them, as always. By the way, if you think we are winding down, I have news for you (don't know if it's good or bad). We are just getting cranked up! Much more to come.

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 10

Teyla moved to support Sheppard as he leaned against her more heavily. The medic at the colonel's feet realized the pilot had passed out, and immediately stood to help. Together, they lowered Sheppard to the floor, soldiers around them clearing a spot for his limp form. Teyla watched the medic begin to check Sheppard as she fought to control the rising fear.

"Is he all right?" she asked, unable to wait on him to update her.

"Well, I don't think he's exactly all right, but he doesn't seem to be in any immediate danger. He's exhausted for one thing." As the medic lifted Sheppard's shirt to listen with the stethoscope, he and Teyla gasped.

Teyla felt sure she could count every rib in the colonel's chest and sides. She had heard the Earth people use the phrase skin-and-bones, but she hadn't really understood it until now. Bruises in a wide variety of colors covered his chest and sides, indicating a range of injury ages. Sheppard had obviously had a rough two weeks and very little food.

The medic quickly regained his composure and continued his evaluation of the colonel. Teyla watched, realizing that Sheppard was in worse condition that she had first thought. She took his hand and squeezed. "We will have you home soon, John."

oOo

Elizabeth jumped as the alarm sounded, leaping to her feet and rushing out the door. She found herself breathless and afraid to ask, so she waited.

"It's Major Lorne's IDC. There's a transmission coming through."

Elizabeth nodded. "Major Lorne, this is Atlantis. We're receiving your ID."

Major Lorrne's voice filled the control room, making Elizabeth realize he was on speaker. "This is jumper three . . . we have them. I repeat Atlantis, we have our missing people and are bringing them home. Requesting a medical team and three stretchers meet us in the jumper bay in approximately fifteen minutes."

Elizabeth thought surely her grin couldn't be any larger as she listened to the cheers from those around her in the control room. When she finally recovered her voice and the noise had died down somewhat, she radioed back to Lorne. "Well done, Major, well done. We'll patch you through to the infirmary so you can fill Dr. Beckett in on their condition."

Elizabeth wobbled over to the nearest empty chair and lowered herself into it. Hope at finding them alive had been fading faster than she cared to admit the last few days. She had spent the morning trying to figure out how she could run Atlantis without John and Rodney or who else besides Ronon could convince the military men of the city that they could _always_ use more training. But now she didn't have to wonder about any of that because they were coming home. Taking a deep breath, she stood up and headed for the jumper bay.

oOo

Carson Beckett nodded at Elizabeth as he entered the jumper bay, nurses and three gurneys behind him.

"Carson, are you ready for this?"

"Well, I'm not sure anyone is ever really ready when they come back like this, but I've called in reinforcements. Dr. Strauhan and Dr. Biro are getting the infirmary ready so that we can go to work on them quickly. I don't think any of them are in danger, but they've waited for us a long time. I didn't want any of them waiting around when they got home."

Elizabeth nodded and smiled at her CMO, once again appreciating the way he cared for his patients. She definitely had the best people working with her and for that, she was very thankful, especially since she seemed to desperately need every one of them. She turned at the sound of the jumper entering the bay and watched as it landed. The back hatch seemed to open in slow motion.

Even before the lowering hatch touched the ground, pairs of soldiers were carrying the litters with Rodney and Ronon out to the waiting gurneys. Elizabeth noted their haggard appearance. Rodney was pale, a dirty looking field dressing wrapped around his head. Ronon's leg was splinted with sticks and he was shivering, even though covered with sweat. Both appeared to be drifting in and out as Beckett briefly checked each one and then sent them on to the infirmary.

Elizabeth turned to look back into the jumper. Teyla was kneeling beside Sheppard, lying on the jumper floor. As the remaining gurney was pushed into the jumper, several people worked to lift Sheppard off the floor and onto the waiting stretcher. The medic that had been tending him moved out of the jumper with the stretcher, coming up beside Beckett.

As the medic spoke to Carson and Teyla came up beside her, Elizabeth looked down at John. His eyes fluttered open to narrow slits, but she couldn't tell if he was actually aware of his surroundings or not. She leaned over closer to his face as she took his hand.

"Welcome home, John. We've been missing you three."

"Home," he whispered softly.

Elizabeth smiled down at him. "Yes, you're home." She let go of his hand as the gurney began moving forward.

Carson put his hand on her shoulder. "I'll let you know, but we'll need a wee bit of time to get them sorted. Don't worry lass, we'll take good care of them." He nodded at Elizabeth and Teyla as he followed the gurney out of the jumper bay.

Elizabeth turned around as Major Lorne emerged from the back of the jumper. "Good work, Major, Teyla. I can't thank you both enough for bringing them home."

Major Lorne grinned. "Happy to do it, ma'am. I have no desire to take over for the colonel, so finding him was to my benefit. Plus . . . I kind of like his style." Lorne nodded to Elizabeth and Teyla. "Thanks for your help, Teyla. I think it helped the colonel that you were there."

Teyla nodded. "I was happy to be of assistance. They are my friends as well as my teammates."

"Do you have any idea why it was so hard to find them?" asked Elizabeth.

Lorne frowned and shook his head. "I don't know, ma'am. We didn't get any life sign readings on our first pass of the planet and we only picked up one on this pass. We never did pick up Ronon and Dr. McKay."

"Maybe I can answer that." They all watched Lt. Bond emerge from the back of the jumper. "I checked when we got to the cave and I still couldn't read life signs from Dr. McKay or Ronon. I stayed outside and monitored. Every time someone entered the cave, they disappeared from the LSD. There must be something in the wall of the cave that interferes with the reading."

Realization dawned on the face of Major Lorne. "They were all in the cave on our first pass, so we didn't see any life signs on the planet."

Elizabeth nodded. "I hate to say it, but whatever is in rock of that cave wall might be worth further investigation. But we can check that out later. You say you only saw one life sign when you landed?"

Lorne nodded. "Yes, ma'am, and I've got to tell you, that scared me to death. I honestly thought we'd be bringing back one living person and two bodies. That was not a pleasant thought."

"No, I imagine not. I'm just glad that wasn't the case."

"I'm going to hit the showers. I figure I'll see you later in the infirmary." Lorne gave one more nod before leaving.

Elizabeth turned to face Teyla. "Are they really okay?"

Teyla shrugged her shoulders, a habit she had picked up from her teammates. "I cannot say. I know they are injured and have all lost weight, but I do not know how serious it is. The medics assured me they would recover. Colonel Sheppard said they lost the jumper and most of their supplies in the crash. They have apparently been gathering their own food and water for some time and . . . Colonel Sheppard was very thin. I am afraid he has not been eating much."

Elizabeth nodded, looking grim but not surprised. "It would be like him to give most of the food to the others. I guess we'll just have to see what Carson says. He indicated it might be a while before he could tell us anything. Why don't you get cleaned up and I'll meet you in the infirmary later. You must be tired after spending several days on a jumper with a bunch of men."

Teyla sighed. "It _has_ been interesting."

oOo

Beckett leaned down over Rodney as the man stirred and moaned. "Rodney, it's me, Carson. You're in Atlantis, lad, so just relax. Can you tell me where you're hurt?"

Rodney's eyes squinted for a few seconds, then opened all the way. He seemed dazed as he looked around the room, taking in his surroundings. "Atlantis?"

Beckett smiled at the recognition. "Yes, you're in Atlantis. Can you tell me how you feel?"

Rodney tried to lift his head and see more. "Are we all here? Did we all make it? How long have we been here?" Grimacing at the pull on his back, he let his head fall back on the bed.

"Be still, Rodney, I haven't fully examined you for injuries yet. Yes, you are all here in the infirmary. Dr. Biro is taking care of Ronon and Dr. Strauhan is with Colonel Sheppard, so you can relax. You've only been here for a few minutes. Major Lorne and Teyla brought you back, do you not remember?"

Rodney lay with his mouth open a few seconds, as if lost in thought. "Yeah . . . I thought that was a dream."

"No, lad, not a dream. You really are home. Now, where are you hurt?"

Rodney seemed to focus on Beckett and what he was saying. "I guess you noticed I hit my head. And I think I wrenched my back pretty good. I've had a hard time moving."

Beckett nodded. "I understand you lost most of your provisions in the jumper crash two weeks ago. How has the food supply been?"

Rodney closed his eyes against the headache and tried to get his thoughts straight before answering. "I uh . . . let me think a minute. Okay, we had some MREs and power bars, which we spread out over most of it. Sheppard's been picking berries and some kind of carrot-like roots for us, too. We never really had enough to get full or anything, but we've had something to eat every day until today. It's been a little more sparse the last few days though and we ran out last night. We didn't exactly starve, but it was definitely the next best thing."

Beckett nodded, thinking about what the medic had told him about Sheppard. "Rodney, I need you to think. How often did you see Colonel Sheppard eat?"

"I don't know, not often. He usually said he had already eaten or would eat when he went out collecting food and water. I only actually saw him eat a few bites here and there. He's thrown up a lot the last few days too. Oh, and he tried out these fruit things that were poisonous or something about a week ago. They made him real sick for a couple of days. Idiot kept taste-testing stuff to see if it was edible."

"All right, Rodney, thanks. You just rest and we're going to get some x-rays and get you fixed up. I think I have some nice pain medication with your name on it."

Rodney smiled. "Thank goodness, it's about time." His expression sobered as he looked back up at Carson. "They're going to be okay, right?"

Beckett patted him on the arm. "Don't you worry yourself, I'm sure they will be fine."

Rodney frowned, remembering his little tirade on the planet and how much Beckett sounded like Ronon and Sheppard.

Nick didn't hesitate to cut Sheppard's shirt off. It was torn and tattered beyond repair and definitely would never be worn again. As he peeled the cloth from the pilot's torso, he and Kelly stopped to stare at the thin figure on the bed. He wasn't sure he'd ever seen anyone this close to starving before.

"Carson?" he called. He knew his boss would want to know immediately, since it could affect treatment of any injuries the colonel had.

Carson appeared at his side, but didn't seem surprised. "Aye, I was afraid of that."

Nick widened his eyes. "You knew?"

"The medic warned me when we were preparing to transport the colonel and I've just spoken to Rodney. Food was apparently in short supply and they didn't actually see the colonel eat very much. I suspect he's been giving them most of the food because of their injuries. Rodney also said he's been vomiting a lot the last few days, so be sure to check the lining of his esophagus and stomach."

Nick nodded sadly. "Sounds like a rough two weeks."

"Aye, for all of them."

Beckett left Sheppard in Nick's care and moved over to Dr. Biro and Ronon. "How's the big lad doing?"

Dr. Biro looked up from her patient. "I'll be sending him to x-ray in a few minutes. So far we have dehydration that is probably partially due to the fever he's running and a broken leg. There's a cut on his leg that seems infected, probably the source of the fever. We're still getting him sorted out."

Beckett nodded, observing Ronon as he stirred restlessly and mumbled in his sleep. "Okay, let me know if you need anything."

Biro nodded and smiled. "Dead people may be my specialty, but I still know what to do with the live ones."

oOo

The waiting area had slowly become crowded over the past couple of hours. Elizabeth sat watching as Teyla talked with Major Lorne and Lt. Bond, Radek Zelenka paced, and three marines from the rescue mission played cards in the corner. Various soldiers and scientists had wandered in and out, checking to see if there was word on the condition of the survivors yet. She had been able to see into the main infirmary, watching carefully as each patient had taken his turn in x-ray and been brought back. She had seen nurses and technicians, as well as the doctors, moving around with various equipment and medications, consulting one another and working on their patients. She was getting close to heading a revolt and charging the unit when she finally saw Carson headed their way. Standing, she rose to meet him as he entered their domain.

"Carson, finally, I was about to hunt you down." She hadn't meant to say anything, it had just popped out of her mouth, borne of frustration and increasing worry.

Beckett smiled at her. "Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. We're just dealing with two weeks worth of problems and none of them are very coherent, so our verbal information has been limited. Why don't we sit down? With three reports to give, this could take a minute."

A nurse came up and handed Beckett a cup of coffee as he sat down. "Here, Dr. Strauhan said you could probably use this about now."

Beckett grinned and nodded to her. "Thanks, Kelly. I knew I hired him for a reason." Kelly just returned the smile and left, obviously still busy with their newest patients.

Beckett took a sip and faced his audience, now settled in chairs pulled up close enough they could hear. "All right, first of all they are all experiencing some degree of dehydration. It appears as though Colonel Sheppard was hauling water from a stream, but has had trouble making the trip the last few days due to increasing weakness. Rodney's case is so mild as to be borderline. Ronon and Colonel Sheppard are more severe. Ronon has had a prolonged fever and I'm sure that, combined with his reduced fluid intake due to sleeping is causing his. Colonel Sheppard has experienced a lot of vomiting the last few days and I'm sure that's the primary cause of his. Other than that, they are all malnourished to some degree, the result of limited food intake over the past two weeks. Ronon and Rodney's cases are relatively mild, since it appears Colonel Sheppard was giving them most of the food. And they all have a wide variety of healing bruises, scrapes, and scratches due to the crash."

Beckett paused a second, giving them a few moments to absorb what he had told them so far. "Ronon has fractured the two bones in his lower leg. Colonel Sheppard did a good job of straightening and splinting the leg under the circumstances. The healing process has been slowed by the fever and lack of proper nutrients, but I don't see any long term problems. The break was clean and we're going to put a cast on shortly. There was some accompanying muscle damage, but that should heal with time. Our main concern is a rather nasty cut on his leg that has become infected. We're giving him strong antibiotics to fight the infection and trying to reduce his fever. He'll probably have a rough few days ahead, but he should recover."

Everyone looked relieved that Ronon would be all right. One down and two to go. "Rodney had a severe concussion and pretty bad cut on his head, one that will probably leave a scar since we didn't get to suture it. They managed to keep it pretty clean, though, so he has avoided infection. He is still experiencing some headaches and dizziness, and that could continue for a bit. He's also injured his back. He not only seriously strained some muscles in his lower back, but he has a compression fracture of T12 and L1."

Elizabeth sat up straighter in her chair, her eyes going wide. "He broke his back?" Fear raced through her as she pictured Rodney in a wheelchair.

"It's alright," Beckett said quickly. "A compression fracture is easily treated without surgery and doesn't involve the spinal cord. Basically, the front part of the last thoracic and first lumbar vertebrae are fractured, but not the back part. The middle part surrounding the spinal cord is in tact. We've checked and he hasn't experienced any neurological damage. That doesn't mean it isn't painful, or that it hasn't limited his movement. I think the strained muscles have caused him more pain than anything so far. He won't be happy, but he'll have to wear a brace for six to twelve weeks when he's up working or doing things, but it shouldn't be too bad. We'll need to get him on his feet and walking to restore muscle strength and he'll have a few weeks of physical therapy after he's done with the brace." Beckett sighed. "I expect this to be more painful on those around him in the long run." They were all imagining the barrage of vocal complaints and moaning that would accompany the scientist for the next several weeks.

"God help us," said Elizabeth softly. Beckett chuckled.

"What about John?" asked Elizabeth, noticing Carson had saved him for last. She figured there was a reason.

Beckett sighed deeply. "His injuries from the crash weren't too severe. He did have a concussion, which from what information we've gleamed from the three, seemed to cause some initial dizziness and disorientation. He has had a few headaches as well. His ribs were seriously bruised and it looks like one or two may have been cracked. He's completely exhausted himself over the last two weeks. He was responsible for finding the cave and getting them and all their supplies moved to it."

"Getting up that hill to the cave wasn't easy. I can't imagine doing it while injured and carrying stuff, much less helping Ronon with his broken leg," interjected Lorne.

"He then had to take care of Ronon and Rodney, since they were unable to get up, as well as haul water and collect food. At one point he tried to return to the jumper, but it was at the bottom of a ravine. When he couldn't get to it, he tried to get some supplies that were scattered down the hillside. He lost his grip and slid partway down the hill, almost falling in the ravine. He injured his arms during that little adventure, and developed a bit of an infection in one of the wounds, resulting in a fever. He has apparently given almost all of the food to Rodney and Ronon. As near as we can tell, the only thing he's eaten the past two weeks is a few bites of power bar, a few berries, and some of the roots he was collecting. I'm thinking the combined effects of the concussion, the lack of food, and an apparent run-in with a semi-toxic fruit resulted in a total loss of appetite, nausea, and lots of vomiting. As a matter of fact, he's vomited so much that the lining of his esophagus and stomach are inflamed and he's ruptured a few blood vessels in his lower esophogus, resulting in a bit of bleeding. As you can imagine, this has resulted in a . . . rather big weight loss."

Elizabeth shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "Carson, what are we looking at? He'll recover, right?"

Beckett pursed his lips a second before continuing. "I'm sure he will, but it won't be easy. It's been my experience that once someone is this near starved, especially with the extra problems he's experienced, it's hard to get them eating again. I know that sounds backwards. It seems like he should stuff himself all the time to make up for the food he's missed, but it doesn't always work like that." He permitted a brief smile. "Although I rather expect that will be the case with Rodney. We'll have to bring food back slowly and carefully, partially because it's been so long since he's had anything in his system and partially because of the inflammation. Even when we get past that and he's released, he may not want to eat. I don't think anyone completely understands exactly why this happens, but it often does. We'll have to work together to watch him and make sure he eats enough, and I think that's going to be harder than you realize. He had Rodney and, to a certain extent, Ronon fooled into thinking he was eating more than he was while they were on the planet."

Teyla smiled and sighed. "Colonel Sheppard can be rather . . . sneaky when he wants to be."

They all nodded in agreement, having seen that side of the pilot when he felt it was needed. They were also painfully aware that he wouldn't complain if he was having problems or hurting, they would just have to be extra watchful.

Beckett took another sip of his cooling coffee. "What everyone needs to understand is that they are all three in for a prolonged recovery period. It's taken two weeks to get them into this shape, and it's going to take them even longer to get back to normal. We're going to need to be there for all three of them. They have all lost weight, they have all been injured, and they've spent the last fourteen days wondering if and when help would come. They've been through a heck of a physical and emotional trauma and we're going to need to give them some time."

Elizabeth looked at the concerned faces around her and smiled back at Beckett. "We're just glad to have them home, Carson. We'll be more than happy to give them whatever they need."

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 11**

Ronon hated being still. He felt trapped by his weakness and by the heavy cast that encased his leg. His fever had finally broken, although Beckett was still pumping stuff into him through the things he called IV bags. He couldn't help but wonder if that was why he was feeling nauseous. Beckett told him it was because he was trying to eat too much, too soon.

Eating was a joy. That and feeling clean again. A sponge bath, as the nurse called it, was enough to make Ronon happy. McKay had complained that it wasn't good enough and Beckett had told him he was stuck in traction for a few more days, then they would discuss the possibility of a shower. It had comforted Ronon to hear McKay complaining and to see him eat.

He wished Sheppard would wake up and start eating. From his bed to Sheppard's left, he could look at the man and swear he could see bone through skin. Ronon blamed himself for not realizing the fact that Sheppard was starving himself to make certain that he and McKay had enough to eat. Ronon wanted Sheppard to wake up and start shoveling down plate after plate of food, even though Beckett had told him that Sheppard's recovery would be slow.

It would start faster if Sheppard would just wake up already. But Beckett had stated that Sheppard was exhausted and that his sleep was deep and healing. Although when he said it, the doctor looked worried and uncertain, even though he had hastened to reassure Ronon that it really was a good thing.

Ronon was still watching Sheppard, willing the man to move or something, when one of the nurses came by. She checked his temperature, fussed over him in other ways, then settled a tray table with a plate of food in front of him. Not the fare he would prefer, but Beckett had warned him that his stomach wasn't ready for rich and heavy foods yet. So Ronon got broth with a bit of something called rice in it, and two pieces of toast. But at least he got it six times a day and Beckett promised he could have stew tomorrow, so long as he was able to keep everything he ate down today.

"Thanks," Ronon said, his tone gruff, as he reached for the spoon. He made himself take his time eating, wanting it to last. Wanting to savor the heat of it as well as the taste and the scent of it. He was no stranger to going hungry, and thanks to Sheppard's sacrifice, he hadn't really felt hunger during their ordeal, but the memory of his days as a runner lingered as it always did and Ronon appreciated what he had in this place. What Sheppard and Atlantis offered him.

So he ate slowly, one eye still on Sheppard, willing the man to wake up and begin his own journey back to good health.

OoO

Rodney was bored. He was stuck, flat on his back, rigged to some stupid traction device. Which, when he wasn't busy bitching at Beckett, he had to admit did make him feel better. Being pain free felt wonderful and Rodney savored every minute of it. But it still left him feeling bored. To the point where he looked forward to the six times a day he was allowed to sit semi upright to eat. But it had only been three days since their return and Beckett said he had at least three more days in traction. He would die of boredom by then.

He calculated how much longer before the nurse would come with food. Ronon was off taking a short walk with Beckett and some Physical therapy guy. Only because the Satedan had hounded Beckett about getting back up on his feet again. Rodney could sympathize, even though a part of him was thoroughly content to be stuck in the infirmary, where it was safe and warm and they had plenty of food.

Of course Carson wouldn't give him anything but broth and toast, which Rodney understood in theory. But he was dying for a donut, then maybe some chicken. And was getting ready to bribe a nurse to bring him something chocolate. He would also have given his left arm for a cup of coffee, which Beckett told him was out of the question for at least a week.

Figuring out that he had at least twenty minutes before food would arrive, Rodney turned his head to watch Sheppard sleep. The man had stirred a bit yesterday and Rodney had called out to him, but then he had gone still again. It scared him to see the Colonel so still and pale. And thin. God, it was painful to look at how thin he was and Rodney felt a twinge of guilt. He was a genius, so how the hell had he missed the fact that Sheppard was starving himself.

Carson had talked to him and Ronon about Sheppard's condition, warning them both that it would be a slow recovery for the Colonel. It surprised Rodney to think that it wasn't just a simple matter of Sheppard getting some real sleep and eating some real food. Beckett was certain that Sheppard wouldn't be able to gain weight back easily, and Rodney had argued that the Colonel wasn't some anorexic thirteen year old girl.

A fifteen minute lecture, which had sounded more like a rant, and Beckett had Rodney convinced that he knew what he was talking about. Rodney vowed to do some research about starvation and such when he finally got his hands on a laptop. Elizabeth had also talked to him about Sheppard, letting Rodney know more details. Such as the fact that Sheppard had been a POW eight years ago and had suffered starvation then and that it hadn't been easy for him to get back to his fighting weight then either. Hence a part of the reason why Beckett was so concerned now.

Rodney had looked at Ronon, who had been listening, and the Runner hadn't seemed all that surprised by what they had been told. He supposed the big guy had some familiarity with starvation after seven years on the run. It frustrated Rodney a bit to know that they were home and safe but that the hard part of their ordeal wasn't over and done with. Beckett had warned them that the healing process for all three of them would take longer than the two weeks to get them in their present condition. Sometimes life really sucked the big one. This was one of those times.

Closing his eyes, because it bothered Rodney to see how thin and bony Sheppard's arms were as they lay on the blankets, Rodney said a little prayer to whatever deity might be listening. Even though he didn't believe in a higher spiritual being, he figured it couldn't hurt to say something since he knew Sheppard believed. Then he whispered softly, "Come on, Colonel, wake up and fight the good fight. We've still got a lot of work to do here, so no slacking off."

Squinting one eye open, Rodney stared at Sheppard's pale profile but the man didn't stir a muscle. So Rodney let his eye close again, drifting off into darkness. Maybe when he woke up again, this will have all been nothing more than a bad dream.

OoO

John's thoughts felt sluggish. He was drifting in cool darkness and there were muffled sounds and the sense of movement around him. He knew there was something he should be doing but he couldn't focus enough to remember what. And then it hit him like a kick in the gut. Rodney and Ronon. They needed him. He couldn't lie about until they were rescued. So John forced his eyes open, blinking hard to clear his blurred vision.

Carson had been checking Sheppard's vitals when he saw his eyelids flutter. Then to the Scot's amazement, Sheppard opened his eyes. Leaning over him, Carson asked, "Colonel? Can you hear me?" No reaction. He tapped a fingertip against a pale cheek and tried again. "Colonel Sheppard? It's Carson. Can you hear me, lad?"

"Rod...ney!" It hurt to talk and his vision didn't want to clear. John was terrified that something had happened. He wanted to get up but his body felt heavy, his limbs leaden, his muscles rubbery and resistant to his mental commands to move, move, move! He wanted to sob in frustration but told himself to focus. "Ronon...Ronon!"

"Easy, Colonel," Carson replied, gripping the thin shoulders then easing up when he realized it felt like he could easily snap the man in two. "Rodney and Ronon are fine, Colonel. They're doing great!" He could see that his words weren't getting through to Sheppard.

John heard a voice calling him. A familiar voice that wasn't Rodney or Ronon. It took a moment to sink in that it was Carson and that hands were gripping his shoulders. The rescue team must have found them. John had a million questions but he couldn't get his vocal chords to work. The dryness in his throat turned into a tickle that made him cough and the cough soon turned into a gag and John felt hot bile pool in his throat then he was puking and puking until a blessed coolness seeped into his veins and darkness embraced him.

Elizabeth had come in to check on the team when John had opened his eyes. She had run over, hope washing over her, only to step back and watch in horror as John's thin body was wracked by dry coughing, then he looked almost like he was having a seizure as he puked up bile. She didn't move as she watched Beckett and a nurse get him resettled after he was sedated. When Carson turned, scrubbing a hand over his weary face, Elizabeth asked, "Is he going to be okay?" Because John looked anything but okay.

"We'll get him through this," Carson promised. "He's disoriented from lack of food and from the fever."

"I thought his fever was gone?" Elizabeth replied.

Carson sighed. "It's still low grade and it's made him very weak. It's going to take time, luv. You have to be patient."

Elizabeth nodded, but she still had her doubts. She looked at Sheppard and he resembled a human corpse. "Can I sit with him?" she asked, shaking away her morbid thoughts.

"Aye, just don't wear yourself out," Carson warned. "I have enough patients to take care of." With that he was gone, bustling over to check on Ronon.

"You need to stop scaring the hell out of me, John," Elizabeth whispered, as she took a seat in the chair next to his bed. "You're giving me gray hairs." As she spoke she reached for his hand, no longer horrified by how thin and fragile it felt in her own. She knew John Sheppard. He was stronger than any one person had a right to be. He would get past this weakness and surprise them all with his strength. She just knew he would. And she prayed for his recovery to be swift as she kept vigil over him.

OoO

"Rodney?" John blinked hard, eyes having to adjust to the shadowy darkness. He stared about, feeling disoriented. This didn't look like the cave and he must have fallen asleep. But that didn't make sense because he felt softness underneath him and his fingers plucked at the blankets that were draped over him.

"Colonel!" Carson was by Sheppard's side in an instant, raising the lights a bit. "It's okay, son. You're back on Atlantis.

John suddenly remembered seeing Teyla and Lorne. But he didn't remember the ride home. "Ronon and Rodney?" he asked. He needed to see them for himself, to make certain they were all right. It was hard to talk against the dryness of his throat, but he could worry about such a trivial discomfort later. Once he knew they were okay.

Carson patted his shoulder, frowning a bit, then forcing a smile. "They're sleeping on either side of you," he said, pointing to both beds. "It's rather late but I suppose you've had a long enough sleep for the moment."

"How...long?" John couldn't force out a full sentence, but he knew Beckett would know what he was asking.

"Almost four days, Colonel. You were beginning to worry us a bit." Carson fussed with the covers as he spoke. "How are you feeling?"

John considered then answered with the truth. "Sore...throat hurts." His head ached as did his ribs and he was not happy to realize he had a catheter in, but he didn't want to be too honest or Beckett would never let him out of this place.

Carson reached for a cup of ice chips. "Try this," he said, slipping one into John's mouth.

It felt like heaven melting down John's throat. "Can I have more?" he asked, hopefully.

"Just one for now," Carson replied, slipping another one in.

"Thanks." John relished it, then turned his head to either side, taking in the sleeping forms of Rodney and Ronon. Although when he narrowed his gaze he could see that Ronon was staring back at him. The runner was a light sleeper. John nodded at him then closed his eyes. "Tired," he whispered. But now he could sleep.

Carson fussed with the blankets again." We'll chat in the morning," he promised. Then he lowered the lights and drifted away.

OoO

John felt much better in the morning. He was informed that his fever had finally broken and he convinced Carson to remove the catheter. That he would use a urinal if he had too, but he fully intended to walk to the bathroom when he had to pee. Rodney and Ronon smiled at him when they woke up and John felt relief wash over him in dizzying waves. They had made it back alive and Rodney and Ronon were going to be all right.

"Ready for some water?" Carson asked, as he arrived at John's bedside with a glass of water containing a straw.

"More than ready," John replied, reaching for the glass with a hand that shook slightly. That bothered him, but he realized he was going to be a bit weak. He took a sip of water and it felt great going down. As did the second sip. The third, and it was a tiny sip, was a bit rough and John tried to ignore the protest his stomach made. But he had just handed Beckett the glass back when he felt himself turn green.

Carson had a basin under his chin before John could hurl. He looked grim as the Colonel emptied his belly.

John felt the burn as what little he drank came back up. "Sorry," he croaked, leaning back against the pillows and feeling limp.

"It's okay, I'll give you something for the nausea," Carson said, as he handed the basin off to a nurse. "I half expected it." As he spoke he pulled a capped syringe out of his lab coat pocket. He uncapped it, tapped it for air bubbles, expelled a bit then injected it into the IV port. "You should feel better in a few minutes."

"Thanks," John whispered, and it wasn't long before his stomach began to settle. He realized Beckett was eyeing him with concern. "Better now," he stated. "How...how are Rodney and Ronon?"

McKay was awake and answered for himself. "Rodney is bored!" He said it loud enough and sharply enough to get Carson's attention. Which earned him a glare from the doc.

Ronon looked amused from his bed and said, "It's good to see you awake, Sheppard."

"Good to be awake," John replied. "How's the leg?"

"Good," Ronon replied.

John knew that the runner was much like himself. Not one to tell the complete truth when he was hurt or injured. The man had been shot with an arrow in the calf, had broken it off, yanked it out and kept on going with barely a limp. So John looked at Beckett for the whole truth.

Carson grinned at Sheppard. "Both of your teammates are doing well," he stated. "They'll be here for a bit. Ronon's fever came back, the infection he got is being nasty, but he'll be fine once we take care of it. Rodney is going to be in traction then in a brace for a time, but they'll both heal. Oh, Ronon will have some physical therapy, but I'm sure the therapist will have more to worry about than Ronon will."

"Yeah," John replied, feeling a grin curve his mouth. And it felt good to smile. To know that his team was going to be okay. He could rest himself now so he could be up and out and watching over them during their recovery. "Can I have another sip of water?" John asked.

"You're a glutton for punishment, aren't you?" Rodney piped up. "Not that there's anything left in your belly to spew."

John made a face at McKay. "I'll make sure I'm facing your way," he quipped, and it felt normal finally. He was ready to embrace normal.

Carson made a face at Rodney too. "The Colonel's stomach should feel better because of the anti-emetic I gave him." As he spoke he gave John the water glass.

To John's relief, his first sip stayed down. So did a few dozen more. In fact, he finished the glass, leaving his stomach feeling a bit too full, but no more nausea. However, he was tired. "I think it's nap time for me again," John said softly, stifling a yawn.

"Good idea for all of you," Carson told the room at large. Then he did his thing, along with Kelly's help, getting them all settled in.

John took one last look at Ronon and Rodney, then let himself drift into darkness.

OoO

Two days later, John was out of bed. Rodney had wanted some water and the nurses had gone somewhere, so John had slipped out of bed, grabbing his IV pole, and tended to Rodney's needs. He then moved to Ronon's side to ask if he needed anything. Although he felt a bit shaky, and his legs felt a bit like rubber, John felt good being mobile again. In fact, when Nick showed up he forestalled an argument by saying he had to pee. He then made it to the bathroom, removed his IV and took a shower. Not surprisingly, Nick was sitting on the toilet with clean scrubs, instead of a gown, when John came out.

"Mad at me?" John asked, wondering if he should use the puppy dog eyes.

"No, just worried," Nick replied. He offered the scrubs and made no move to help Sheppard get dressed.

John knew he was pushing himself a bit too hard, but he got himself dressed and back to his bed. He climbed in, let Nick get him settled and covered then said, "Can we pass on the IV for now?"

Nick studied John a moment then nodded. "I'll leave it out and see how you do, then discuss it with Carson when he comes on shift. Until then, feel like some broth?"

"Sure." John couldn't keep a lot down but he ate what he could whenever it was brought to him. He knew he needed to regain his strength. For his team. For Elizabeth. For Atlantis. Although his focus at the moment was on getting better so he could help Ronon and Rodney. They were going to take much longer to heal and John felt guilty about that.

"I'll be back in a few," Nick said, offering a grin before leaving.

McKay stared at Sheppard in disbelief. "I can't believe he didn't ream your ass for getting out of bed."

John shrugged, feeling a bit of a pull in his ribs, but nothing too uncomfortable. He was warm and dry and everyone was safe. Well, relatively safe given the Wraith were still at large as well as the other enemies they'd made. But it was enough that his team was back on Atlantis and alive and healing. "I'm fine, Rodney," John insisted.

"You're kidding me, right?" Rodney shot back. He might have said more but Teyla arrive with a mug of broth. She smiled at everyone, then moved to John's side.

"I ran into Nick and he asked if I would bring this to you," Teyla said, handing over the mug.

John accepted it with a smile. "Thanks." He took a sip and his stomach did a small lurch, but he willed it to behave.

Teyla looked at Ronon and Rodney then back at John. "You all look better today," she said softly.

"I don't feel better," Rodney replied. He was upset because his back wasn't healing as well as Carson had hoped she he had to spend a few more days in traction, with only the fact that he'd have to wear a brace to look forward too.

"You must be patient, Rodney," Teyla said.

Rodney simply glared at her.

John felt himself smiling. This felt good and right and he felt as if he could relax a bit. He hadn't told anyone but he had been having nightmares about being back on the planet and that Lorne and Teyla had arrived to rescue them only Ronon and Rodney were dead. He had failed to save them. "I could read to you later," John offered. He knew Ronon liked hearing Earth books.

"Not War and Peace," Rodney said, shuddering as best he could in reaction.

"I'll read whatever you like," John said.

Teyla was grinning. "And I will fetch it for you."

Rodney looked appeased. "I have a Star Trek novel in my room," he stated, smirking at Sheppard. "A Kirk novel."

"Whatever makes you happy, Rodney," John shot back, knowing it would irritate McKay if he didn't react to a Kirk comment. They all laughed as Rodney went into a long and winded rant. But even though he knew he was safe and home with his team, John couldn't shake the feeling that they weren't really safe at all.

OoO

Elizabeth sat at her desk, looking at Carson and Kate. Sheppard, Rodney and Ronon had been back for just over a week now and she wanted an update on their condition. "Carson," she prompted.

"They're doing as well as can be expected," he replied. "Ronon had a bit of a set back with his fever, and Rodney's back is being slow to heal, but they will get better."

"And John?" Elizabeth found herself the most concerned about him. In spite of the fact that she knew he was mobile now, at least within the infirmary. Two days ago she'd gone to visit them all and John had been helping Rodney shift into a more comfortable position within his limited means. Then he had gone to fetch some water for Ronon. Elizabeth had been about to call for a nurse when Carson had intervened, telling her to let John be.

Carson shrugged. "He's doing about as I expected. And I know you're wondering about my letting him take care of Ronon and Rodney, but it's a good thing for him to be doing. I spoke to Kate about it and she agrees with me."

Kate nodded. "Colonel Sheppard spent two weeks beating the odds physically, mentally and emotionally to keep his team alive till they could be rescued. He's still in that mode and I believe that letting him take care of them will help him deal with the trauma. Especially since he's not willing to talk about it."

"Is Rodney talking to you?"

"A little," Kate allowed. "I think once he's released to his room and we can talk in private he'll talk more. Colonel Sheppard took me aside and said that Rodney has been talking to him and Ronon, which will help them all."

Elizabeth was glad to hear that. "I take it Ronon isn't talking to you either?"

Kate chuckled. "I think he speaks in glares, but I haven't learned the lingo yet."

"But he's doing okay?" Elizabeth prompted.

"Yes." Kate locked eyes with Elizabeth. "After all his years on the run, Ronon is actually the one who can handle what happened the best. Facing starvation and death isn't new to him."

Elizabeth sighed and rubbed a hand over her face before pinching the bridge of her nose. She could feel a tension headache coming on. "John's faced it before," she reminded them, because they had all read about his time as a POW.

Kate nodded. "If he had been alone, I think this wouldn't have affected him so much. But he's feeling guilty and, to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up with post traumatic stress syndrome. In fact, I'd be more surprised if he didn't."

"Perfect," Elizabeth drawled, sarcasm oozing out of every pore. Realizing that she sounded like Rodney, she shook herself then looked at Carson. "What about his weight? Is he eating better?"

"He's trying," Carson allowed. "He attempts to eat whatever we give him, but he's only able to manage a few bites. I've given him the incentive of agreeing to release him to quarters the day after tomorrow. But he knows he's not allowed back on duty in any measure until he's gained ten pounds."

Elizabeth wished he could magically gain the weight because it scared the hell out of her seeing John look so thin and fragile. "How long do you think it will take him to gain it?"

Carson made a face. "It's hard to say. We started him on solids yesterday, and John insists he'll put the weight back on in no time. But he's like the kid whose eyes are bigger than his stomach. He can't eat the way he needs to eat."

"But so long as he wants to gain the weight and is trying, that's a good sign, right?" Elizabeth asked. Because she really needed him to get better. To be the John Sheppard who was the hero of Atlantis to so many. Herself included. She needed Rodney and Ronon back as well. They were needed by everyone.

"Aye, it's a good sign," Carson agreed. He glanced at his watch and stood up. "I've got to go and get Ronon set up for his first physical therapy session. His muscles are atrophying a bit and he's getting ancy at being bedridden for so long it'll do him good to get some kind of physical work out. But I don't dare leave him alone with the therapist.

Kate was rising as well. "I have an appointment in five minutes," she apologized.

Elizabeth waved them off. "Just keep me updated," she called after them. And when she was alone again, she clasped her hands, bent her head, closed her eyes and prayed.

**THE END...of part 11**


	12. Chapter 12

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 12**

Carson kept his word and released John to his quarters. It felt good to be back in his own room, but John felt a bit guilty because Ronon and Rodney had yet to be released. But he had promised them he would return to keep them entertained. He also wanted to be there to make sure they truly were healing, and that they were eating well. He couldn't stop dreaming about them starving to death. It was weird to John that he hadn't dreamed about them starving when they were facing that distinct possibility during their time in the cave. But the dreams haunted him now, making him feel reluctant to eat his own food at times.

Being released wasn't a simple action in Beckett's world. The Scot had a ton of rules he expected John to follow. Such as daily weigh ins. Which meant that every morning, once he was up and dressed, he was to report to the infirmary to be weighed and to drink a can of ensure. John loathed the stuff. Carson had started him on it yesterday, when he discovered John's stomach would tolerate it. At least in small doses. John only wished his taste buds could tolerate it as well.

Since it was midmorning, John had already done the weighing in part of his day before being released from the infirmary. So now he was reacquainting himself with his room then he intended to get a snack at the messhall, per Beckett's instructions. Another rule he had to follow in order to stay free. John had promised to eat six meals a day, along with a can of ensure. His midmorning meal he preferred to think of as a snack.

To that end he made his way to the messhall. Once there he grabbed some fruit and asked the server if they'd make him some toast, which she was quick to agree too. Which led John to believe Carson had spoken with her about him and his needs. That made John feel a bit uncomfortable, but he decided to let it slide. It wasn't like he could hide the fact that he'd lost weight. His clothes were hanging on him, including the jeans he was wearing. He felt cold all the time too, which was why he was wearing a long sleeved shirt with a t-shirt over it. Layering kept him warmer and made him look a bit more padded than he actually was. It might only be an illusion, but it was one John was willing to promote if it would get people to stop eyeing him with pity. Which was hard to ignore, but he was trying. He knew they didn't mean anything by it. Hell, he made it a point to avoid his own reflection at present.

Once the toast was ready, John sat down at a corner table and managed to eat one slice with a half a banana and a few sips of apple juice. He knew Beckett wanted him to get more in him, but John's stomach rebelled and he had no desire to start puking again. His throat still felt raw as it was. So he dumped his tray, but stopped to grab some more fruit. Some apples and there were some hard rolls that had a good shelf life. With food in hand, John returned to his quarters. He had some plastic baggies and he put the rolls in them, then stuffed them and the apples in an empty drawer. He didn't question why he was hording the food, it just felt like the thing to do.

Feeling a bit worn out from his exertions, even though walking to the messhall wasn't all that far a trek, John decided to take a nap. He kicked off his sneaker and stretched out on the bed, pulling the blanket at the end of it over him. He closed his eyes and drifted off into warm darkness. Until the dreams began.

_"You're killing us, Sheppard," Ronon stated, his eyes burning from his skeletal face._

_"You starved us to death!" Rodney piped up, his face just as hollow and sunken as Ronon's._

_John stared at them in horror, shaking his head and backing away as their thin, claw-like hands, reached out for him. "No, no!'" he whispered. "I tried to keep you alive. I gave you everything I could find! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" _

He jolted awake with a strangled scream dying in his throat. He barely made it off the bed, clawing the blanket out of the way and stumbling in the bathroom just in time to heave up what little contents were in his stomach. By the time he was done John was drenched in a cold sweat and shaking. He sat with his head on his knees for a long time, then he managed to crawl to the shower, stripping off his clothes and stumbling inside. He thought the water on, full force and heated, letting it beat down onto his clammy flesh.

It seemed to take forever before the heat penetrated and his trembling eased so that he could stand without needing to lean against the tiled wall. Still feeling weak, John managed to grab the soap and wash up. He felt weary to the bone by the time he was done and had dried off. Wrapping the towel around his waist he went into his room and pulled on clean clothes and lace on his sneakers. A trip back to the bathroom to finger comb his hair and brush his teeth then John was out the door.

He plastered a smile on his face, nodding a greeting at anyone he passed by. He glanced at his watch and realized he'd only slept a bit over an hour. No matter. He could sleep later. Right now Rodney and Ronon needed him and he was going to be there for them.

The first person John saw when he entered the infirmary was Beckett.

The doctor looked surprised to see him. "Colonel, is something wrong?" he asked, eyeing John with concern.

"No, I'm fine," John assured him, because no way in hell was he going to mention the nightmare or throwing up. "I had my snack and took a nap so I figured I'd come down and keep Rodney and Ronon company for a bit."

"Sounds good to me," Carson replied. "They're driving everyone a bit insane."

John managed a genuine grin at that. "They're bored."

Carson made a face. "Aye, I know. But they can't hurry up the healing process."

"I know that better than anyone," John allowed. "I'll try and keep them entertained for a bit," he promised, clapping Beckett on the shoulder as he passed by him. He could feel the doc's eyes drilling into his back as he approached Rodney's bed, but John shrugged it off. The Scotsman was worse than a mother hen, but he meant well.

"Didn't you just escape from here?" Rodney snapped at John as he reached him.

John shrugged. "What can I say, I missed it," he drawled, letting sarcasm practically ooze from his tone.

Rodney heaved a sigh, but his eyes were twinkling a bit. "You're a sick man, Sheppard," he stated.

"I've been called worse," John shot back, and he was glad they could do this again. Taunt each other and make sarcastic remarks. Moving over to Ronon's bed he asked, "You doing better, big guy?"

"I'll be better when I can get out of here," Ronon rumbled.

Carson moved to join them for a moment. "Ronon, I know you're impatient and hate lying about, but that fever of yours is being a right bugger. Once we have it under control you'll get better and you'll be out of my hair." He winced as if realizing how rude that sounded.

But Ronon was merely amused. "Can't wait for that day," he acknowledged.

"When can I get out of traction?" Rodney whined.

"How about right now?" Carson shot back, and he grinned to see the stunned expressions on three faces.

Rodney blinked at him then he scowled, but his tone was hopeful as he countered with a soft, "Really?"

Carson nodded. "Really. I'm going to get you out of the traction, but you'll have to go directly into the brace. But by tonight we'll be able to get you a bit mobile."

"Let's do it!" Rodney enthused.

"I'll get a couple of nurses," Carson said.

John moved to him. "I'll help."

Carson made a face, looking concerned. "I appreciate that, Colonel," he said quietly. "But you're not exactly up to par."

"I want to help," John stated, and he reached out and gripped Carson by the forearm. He needed to be a part of the healing process for Rodney, to know that he was a part of something positive.

"All right then." Carson guided him over to one side of Rodney's bed, then he moved to the other. He started unhooking the pieces that held Rodney's body in place, asking John to grip and hold each limb as it was released. Which meant Rodney's legs. He watched closely as John did his bidding.

John felt Carson watching him but ignored it. All of his focus was on Rodney. He caught every wince McKay tried to hide. It took twenty minutes to get him released from the traction and into the brace. By which time Rodney was pale and sweaty, but he was smiling as Carson made the bed rise to a forty-five degree angle so he was finally sitting up. "Bet that feels better," John commented, a smile curving his own mouth.

Rodney looked at him, nodding carefully. "It feels like heaven. I'm hungry, can I eat?"

That comment sent everyone to laughing and it was the most wonderful sound John had heard in ages.

Carson looked pleased. "I'll get trays for the three of you," he said, then he bustled away.

"Should I read some more?" John said. They had made it through two books already and he knew it helped them all to while the time away.

"Sounds good to me," Ronon said.

So John picked up the latest book, the first Harry Potter novel, and began to read. He spent the next three hours with his teammates. They ate and chatted and John asked to attend one of Ronon's therapy sessions. He then volunteered to massage the cramps out of Rodney's calf muscles, which also helped keep the blood circulated. He only left after the supper meal, heading for bed on Carson's orders.

Once in his room, John stretched out on the covers and closed his eyes, falling swiftly into slumber.

OoO

Carson shared tea with Kate in his office. Sheppard was with Rodney and Ronon, as had been his routine for the entire week since he'd been released to quarters. "Has Rodney opened up to you any more?" Carson asked, knowing that she wouldn't share details, but she could let him know in general.

"A bit," Kate allowed. "I think he talks more with Ronon and Sheppard, which is fine. Just so long as he's talking."

"I saw you trying to chat with Ronon again," Carson said, grinning.

Kate sighed. "Yes, and he was as chatty as ever," she confessed, a smile curving her lips inspite of her attempts to stay serious. "I think he'll be fine. But he is worried about Colonel Sheppard."

Carson set his tea aside. "I'm a bit worried as well. He's become so incredibly protective of Rodney and Ronon. I mean, he's instinctively protective of people anyway, but this is something different."

"He hasn't yet accepted that they're safe. All of them," Kate replied. "He's still in the mode of having to watch over his team and protect them. Care for them."

"Is it a problem letting him do that?" Carson asked, because Sheppard had pretty much taken over the nurse's duties for them. He'd even become a pro at checking a pulse, and Carson knew he was always watching for signs of pain and changes in both Rodney and Ronon. In fact, Ronon's fever had finally broken for what Carson hoped was for good, and it was the Colonel who had spotted the change when it happened.

Kate shrugged. "So far it seems to be a positive thing. Since he won't talk to me, but he does seem to interact with Rodney and Ronon, I'd let it go for now."

Carson nodded then pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a tension headache coming on. "Have you been able to get Sheppard to talk to you at all?"

"Nothing beyond insisting that he's fine. That everything is good now that they're back and safe." Kate finished off her own tea then asked, "How is he doing with the weigh-ins?"

"He's not gained an ounce," Carson replied. "Well, let me rephrase that. He's gained a couple of ounces, but he should have gained at least a pound by now. I watch him eat when he's here, which is for at least two meals a day, including the ensure I'm making him drink."

Kate looked concerned. "Could he be throwing up when you're not paying attention?"

Carson had considered that fact. "Maybe I should assign him food buddies and put an ear to the door when he uses the bathroom. I hate to be so sneaky about it, but something's not right."

"You said it yourself that it was going to be a hard process getting weight back on him," Kate reminded Carson.

"I know." Carson sighed and scratched at his chin, feeling frustrated and a bit guilty. Like he was being too hard on Sheppard and the man didn't even know it. "The thing is, he is eating. Better than I had expected he would."

Kate stood up and patted Carson on the shoulder. "Do what you have to do." She smiled and walked out of the office.

Carson got up and headed back to work.

OoO

John hated having a food buddy. He had been angry at Carson for suggesting it, but had apologized because he knew the man was looking out for him. But John had done everything asked of him. It wasn't his fault he kept throwing up, not that he told Carson or anyone about that. Teyla was John's breakfast buddy, and he had forced down two slices of toast before telling her he was heading back to his room to grab a new book before going to see Ronon and Rodney. Today was Ronon's last day in the infirmary and John knew the Runner couldn't wait to get out of there.

But what he did was puke up the toast, then rinse his mouth and drink some apple juice. It was the only thing that didn't seem to upset his stomach. He also added to the food stash he was collecting. Replacing the old with the new, but always having it on hand. He'd managed to procure some chocolate which he was saving to give to Rodney once he got released. And John had the Reese's Peanut butter cups for Ronon.

Once he was done with the juice, John brushed his teeth then headed out. He had started walking three days ago. He needed to build up his strength and endurance again. Rodney and Ronon were a long way from being back to normal and John needed to be there for them, so he had to push himself.

So he walked for a mile, then he headed for the infirmary until it was time for lunch. His lunch buddy was Elizabeth and they ate in her office and by the end of the meal John had convinced her to let him go back on light duty. Reading reports weren't going to exhaust him and he was getting bored. He had time to do reports at night, when Ronon and Rodney were sleeping and dreams were keeping him awake.

After lunch John went to his room and drank some apple juice. It seemed to settle his stomach and he managed to keep lunch down. Broth was something he could eat without heaving. He then took another short walk and went back to the infirmary. And the pattern continued for that day and the next few.

Then Rodney was going to be released. After breakfast with Teyla, John went to his room and managed not to puke up the few bites of oatmeal he'd forced down. He knew Teyla would report it to Beckett and he didn't care. He already knew how disappointed Beckett was by his lack of weight gain from this morning's weigh in. Tying on his sneakers, John headed out.

Only this time he went for a run. It was time to buckle down and get stronger. So he headed for the east pier. John ran until his lungs and his legs burned. He had run farther than he had meant too and he'd forgotten to bring water with him. He stopped, leaning against the wall for support. His legs felt like rubber but after a few minutes he made the attempt to start walking back, only everything shaded to gray. Then black.

John felt himself falling into darkness.

**THE END...of part 12**


	13. Chapter 13

**Note**: To those of you that are still with us, thank you for the support. I know this is getting to be a long one, but you have to remember who you're dealing with. We are both whumpers and we each have to get in "our fair share", so that makes for a lot of damage to poor John. Anyone who is beginning to yawn is free to wander off. For those of you who are certified whumpaholics, keep your seatbelts fastened, cause we aren't done yet.

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 13

"Rodney, you'll need to wear the brace when you are sitting and working for extended periods or when you're up walking around. You can take it off when you're lying down or going to bed. And I've already given you your pain medication and explained about them."

"Yes, yes, Carson, we've been over this. Where's Sheppard? I thought he was supposed to come help me back to my room?"

Beckett sighed and glanced around toward the infirmary doors. "He was Rodney, almost half an hour ago. I have no idea where he is. It's not like him to not show up when he says he will."

McKay widened his eyes a bit. "You think something's wrong don't you? What if he's passed out in his room or the hall somewhere? We need to send someone to find him. Have you tried the radio?"

"Settle down Rodney, I tried to get him on the radio a few minutes ago. It's possible he just got busy and doesn't have his radio with him. He isn't on duty, after all. I'll contact Teyla."

Beckett tapped his radio. "Teyla, this is Dr. Beckett."

"_Dr. Beckett, this is Teyla."_

"Teyla, I need a favor, if you have a minute. Colonel Sheppard was to be in the infirmary several minutes ago to assist Dr. McKay back to his quarters. We have not seen or heard from him and I cannot seem to raise him on the radio."

"_That is not like Colonel Sheppard. Would you like me to look for him?"_

"Aye, I'd be grateful. He's probably fine, but he's not up to par yet and I'm a bit concerned."

"_I would be happy to assist. I have just delivered Ronon's lunch to him. I talked to a soldier in the mess hall that mentioned seeing the Colonel earlier. I will go back and find out where and when he saw him. Do not worry, Dr. Beckett, I will find him."_

"Thank you, lass. Let me know when you do."

"_I will be sure and contact you immediately."_

Beckett looked back at Rodney. "Okay, Teyla's going to find him. I'm sure he just got busy or tired and is perfectly fine."

McKay rolled his eyes. "Oh, please, tell that to someone who might believe you. I can see the worry in your face from a mile away. You think something's wrong and so do I."

Beckett ran his hand through his hair and sighed loudly, knowing there was no use in further protest. "Okay, I'll admit I'm a wee bit worried. Do you want me to help you to your room?"

"Not on your life. I'm not budging until we find out about Sheppard." Rodney began moving himself back around on the bed where he could lean back against the pillows. "I might as well make myself comfortable."

Beckett shook his head, but immediately began helping the scientists get turned around and settled. "All right, you can stay. I guess if I took you to your quarters, you'd just follow me back."

McKay nodded. "You got that right."

They looked at each other worriedly for several seconds. "Teyla will find him," Beckett finally said, hoping that she would do so sooner rather than later.

oOo

John felt the hard ground beneath him as he became increasingly aware of his tired, aching muscles and throbbing head. His stomach felt empty and the gnawing pain was all too familiar. He opened his eyes expecting to see the walls of the cave and was surprised, instead, to see a hall in Atlantis. Lying on his side, he tried to focus on the long, empty corridor. Memories from their rescue came flooding back, leaving him confused about why he was lying on the floor.

Taking a deep breath, John pushed himself to a sitting position. He wasn't surprised when the dizziness hit or his vision began to gray at the edges. He closed his eyes and waited until the sensation of being on a moving ship stopped before opening them again. Dragging himself over to the edge of the hall, he twisted until he could lean his back against the wall. Bringing his legs up to his chest, he curled up against the burning pain in his gut and rested his head on his knees. He finally remembered running to the east pier and that he had tried to make it back. He just needed to rest for a while and then he could walk back.

oOo

Teyla jogged toward the east pier. She had returned to the mess hall to find the soldier she talked with still there, eating with his friends. He explained that he had seen Colonel Sheppard running toward the east pier earlier that morning. As Teyla rounded the corner, she saw him sitting in the floor, his back to the wall and his head on his knees. She stopped and tapped her radio.

"Dr. Beckett, I have found him. He is sitting in the hall near the east pier. Let me talk to him and then I will radio you with more information."

"_Thank you, Teyla, that's a relief. I'll be waiting on your call."_

Teyla slowly walked down the hall toward Sheppard, making a little noise so she didn't startle him. He lifted his head and watched her approach. "Colonel, are you all right? Dr. Beckett was worried when you didn't come to the infirmary to help Dr. McKay."

Sheppard looked at her quizzically for a few moments. He was vaguely aware that his mind was still fogged, leaving him disoriented. It finally clicked that Rodney was to be released today and he was supposed to help him back to his quarters. "Oh . . . uh, sorry. I ran too far and . . . needed to rest."

Teyla sat down beside him, observing the pain lines around his eyes. "You are hurting."

Sheppard turned his face away from her and rested his head back on his knees. "I'm okay."

"You are not," she said sharply, causing him to jerk his head up and look at her. "Colonel, you are tired and obviously in pain. I will call Dr. Beckett so that he may send a stretcher for you."

"No! No, don't do that. I can walk, Teyla. I'll just go back to my quarters and rest. You can tell Carson and Rodney that I'm sorry for missing out on helping Rodney."

Teyla shook her head and tapped her radio. "Dr. Beckett, this is Teyla. I am with Colonel Sheppard. He ran to the east pier and was unable to make it back. I believe that he is in pain, but he says that he is fine." She watched Sheppard as he frantically shook his head and mouthed "no stretcher" to her. "Colonel Sheppard is telling me he can walk back now."

John nodded and tried to smile as he watched Teyla listen to Beckett before answering him. "I can assist him and if we have trouble, I will call you for help." She listened again briefly and nodded, forgetting she was on the radio. "Yes, doctor, I will tell him. I will call if we have any problems."

"Well?" John asked anxiously.

Teyla sighed and looked more than a little annoyed. "Dr. Beckett has agreed to let me assist you to the infirmary, but I am to call him if the journey proves too long or too difficult and he will send a gurney. And he said to tell you that you are to come directly to the infirmary and not try sneaking off to your quarters."

John sighed in obvious relief. "Thanks, Teyla. I can make it, I promise. I have to hold it together to help Rodney and Ronon."

Teyla raised her eyebrow and tilted her head. "I do not understand. You are back in Atlantis, Colonel. We may all help care for Ronon and Dr. McKay, and you as well. They are no longer your responsibility."

"Yes they are," John snapped. He took a deep breath and his expression softened. "I'm sorry . . . I didn't mean to snap like that. It's just that . . . they are on my team . . . I'm still responsible for them."

Teyla put her hand on John's shoulder and waited until she had eye contact. "Are we not all responsible for each other while we are here? Let us help you and help them as well. You do not have to do everything yourself. You are not trapped on the planet any longer, you are home . . . you are safe and so are they."

John looked at her a second and then let his head fall back against the wall. "I know . . . I just . . . I can't shake the feeling that I have to be taking care of them. I don't know why, but I can't let go of it." He closed his eyes and grimaced as his stomach continued to cramp.

"Colonel, where do you hurt?"

The pain faded back to a more tolerable level and John opened his eyes to look back at Teyla. "It's okay, just a stomach ache. Something I ate earlier I think. We can go now." He began working his way to his feet before he changed his mind or the pain came back. He stood for a moment, steadying himself against the wall, and then nodded that he was ready.

Half an hour into the walk, he was gritting his teeth against the intermittent pain in his gut and beginning to tremble from the exertion of the day. He was starting to feel weak and dizzy and wondering if he would make it when Teyla slipped her arm around his waist and pulled his arm over her shoulder. She wordlessly began to shoulder part of his weight as he leaned against her.

Teyla wasn't sure what she found the most disturbing, the way the colonel was letting her help support him without putting up a fight, the fact that he seemed so light leaning against her, or the feel of his bones jutting out against his skin with no padding whatsoever. As they walked, she also became aware that he seemed too hot, his skin feeling overly warm against hers. She stole a glance at him, sweat running down the side of his face, and wished she had thought to grab some water. They were still some distance from the infirmary and she was becoming more unsure of them making it with each passing minute.

John stumbled, his weight falling almost totally on Teyla, and they narrowly averted tumbling to the ground. Teyla was about to ask him if she could call for help, when they came around a corner to see Beckett coming their way with a wheelchair. He stopped a few feet in front of them.

"Colonel, I know you said you wanted to walk in, but I thought I might give you a bit of a lift the last few steps if you were willing."

John looked at the wheelchair, noting how it kept fading in and out of focus. It was time face reality. He wasn't making it much farther on his own two feet. He looked up at Carson as he swayed, one hand on his still cramping stomach. "Thanks . . . I think I will."

Carson looked relieved as Teyla helped him lower himself into the chair. He listed slightly to one side, exhaustion beginning to take over as Carson began pushing the chair toward the infirmary. "Thank you, lass," he whispered to Teyla. By the time they reached the infirmary a few minutes later, John was leaned over sideways in the chair, his eyes closed. Carson wheeled the chair up to a bed, Rodney watching from the one next to it. He touched Sheppard on the shoulder to wake him.

"I'm going. Gotta get more water," John said suddenly, sitting up and looking around groggily. He blinked slowly several times, trying to bring the room into focus.

Beckett patted his shoulder, sad expression on his face. "It's all right, colonel, you're in the infirmary. I assure you, we have plenty of water."

John looked around and rubbed his face. "Yeah, sorry . . . dreamin' I guess." He looked at Rodney sitting in the next bed. "Rodney . . . I'm really sorry I missed helping you."

"No problem, Colonel, we were just worried about you. What happened?"

"Hang on, Rodney, let us get him settled before we play twenty questions." Beckett and Teyla helped John stand up and move to the bed. Beckett didn't miss when he put his hand over his stomach and groaned as he scooted back on the edge of the bed. Beckett was about to have the colonel lay back when he grunted and put his hand to his mouth. Reading the body language, Beckett got a basin under John just as he vomited, heaving until he was totally spent.

When the nurse took the basin from the doctor, she looked up at him to make sure he had noticed the blood in the container. Making eye contact, he nodded once to let her know he saw it. Turning his attention back to John, he and Teyla assisted him in lying back on the bed. He took John's pulse and blood pressure, all the time watching his patient struggle against the waves of pain in his stomach. Next, he brought out his stethoscope as a nurse began taking Sheppard's temperature.

"What's wrong with him?" came the question from the adjacent bed.

Beckett stood up and began palpating John's stomach. "Be quiet, Rodney, I'm working."

"Well, that can't be right. I don't see any chicken bones or animal entrails."

"Dr. McKay, please allow Dr. Beckett to do his job and help the colonel," requested Teyla diplomatically.

John suddenly groaned and brought his legs up spasmodically. Beckett helped ease his legs back down on the bed and then pulled his shirt back down. He had noted that the bruised ribs and abrasions on John's stomach and sides were healing, but doing so slowly. He spoke to the nurse a moment and then turned back to Sheppard, pulling a stool up to sit beside the bed.

"We need to talk, Colonel." He looked up at Teyla and Rodney. "Perhaps it would be better if you two left us alone."

McKay pulled himself up to sit on the edge of the bed, grunting with the pain of the effort. "No way, Carson, we want to know what's wrong. I just spent two weeks watching Sheppard work himself into an early grave to take care of me and Ronon and I'm not leaving until I know he's okay."

Teyla shifted her gaze from McKay back to Beckett. "If the colonel doesn't mind, I am also concerned and would like to stay."

Beckett looked down at Sheppard, leaving the decision up to him. John didn't relish the idea of others knowing everything about his weaknesses, but in their position, he would have done the same. He also found comfort in their steadfast concern. "It's okay, Doc, they can stay. Guess family has to stick together." He smiled over at Teyla and Rodney before looking back to Beckett.

Beckett nodded. "All right then, perhaps it's for the best. Colonel, I need to know what happened."

John shifted on the bed, uncomfortable with three pairs of eyes watching him as they waited for an answer. "I've been walking and doing well with that, so I thought I'd run for a bit. I ran to the east pier. I, uh, kind of did it on the spur of the moment, so I forgot to take any water with me." He felt the lie rise in his throat about what happened next and he opened his mouth to say it, and then he looked at Carson. The doctor was watching him, genuine concern in his eyes. Suddenly he was tired of being sick and tired of vomiting. He wanted to get better, to get his strength back, to be able to just sit down and eat like a normal person.

"I was more tired than I thought, I guess, because I apparently blacked out. I woke up in the hall just a few minutes before Teyla found me. I don't really know how long I was out." There, he'd told the truth He just hoped he didn't regret it.

Carson rubbed the side of his face a few seconds. "How long have you been vomiting?"

Sheppard frowned, not expecting that question. He stalled, debating how much to say. "How did you know?"

Carson chuckled briefly. "Colonel, you've been back in Atlantis for over two weeks now and you've only regained a few ounces. I know you eat every day and yet you aren't gaining weight. Plus, you're dehydrated again. You don't get that way from one morning of running too far and forgetting your water."

John's mouth turned up in a small smile. "I guess my recent demonstration didn't exactly help any, huh?"

"Not in the least, Colonel. Now, why don't you tell me how long and how often you've been vomiting."

Sheppard rubbed his forehead with his hand, trying to ward off the encroaching headache. "Off and on since you released me. Sometimes it's at night after a nightmare. Sometimes after I eat. It varies, sometimes once or twice in a day, then sometimes I skip a day. I seem to have a hard time getting food to settle and stay in my stomach. Sometimes just the smell makes me nauseous."

Beckett nodded. "Have you noticed blood in the vomit before?"

McKay flinched, partially because of the subject matter and partially because he was worried. "Carson . . . "

"Just hang on Rodney. Colonel?"

"Just once . . . on the planet," replied John softly.

Carson nodded. "Well there was blood just now and your stomach is tender and obviously causing you quite a bit of discomfort at the moment. I want to do an EGD . . . an endoscopy of the upper GI. Do you know what that involves?"

"No," Sheppard said, frowning in worry.

"It's a relatively simple procedure. I'll just run a scope with a light and a camera into your esophagus and stomach to have a look. I suspect the lining of one or both is extremely inflamed. I may take a biopsy or two to examine for bacterial infection. I suspect the bacteria that often causes gastritis and ulcers may be involved, or possibly something similar that you've picked up on that planet. I'd also like to look for possible ulcerations before they develop into something more serious."

Rodney tried to keep from gagging as Sheppard made a face. "You want to run that thing down my throat?"

"Yes, but don't worry, I'll spray your throat with a topical anesthetic to suppress your gag reflex. If you want, I can give you a little something to help you relax, as well."

Sheppard still didn't look happy, but quietly nodded. As another wave of pain laced through his stomach, he rolled over on his side and curled up a bit. "If it means you can stop the pain in my gut, then okay."

Beckett patted him on the arm. "Well, it's easier to treat someone when we know exactly what we are dealing with, and this will certainly help on that end."

"When?" asked Sheppard.

"Well, first we need to get you into some scrubs and an IV started for the dehydration. You're also running a slight fever again, but I can treat that through the IV so we don't put anything in your stomach that might make things worse. If we don't give you anything to eat, I can do it this evening."

"Do it, then. The sooner the better."

"My thoughts exactly," said Beckett. "Any questions?"

"Not right now . . . but I might later."

Beckett could tell that John was exhausted and in pain. "Why don't we get you changed and settled so you can get some rest. I'll explain the procedure in more detail before we do it." As Beckett stood, a nurse came over and set an IV bag and tubing down on the table and a set of scrubs on the bed. "Teyla, time to leave and let the colonel get changed."

Teyla touched John on the arm. "I will go check on Ronon and come back later to see how you are doing."

"Thanks, Teyla, for everything." John smiled at her and she returned the smile as she turned to leave. She walked over to McKay's bed.

"Dr. McKay, would you like me to assist you to your room?"

"No, I'll stay here."

"No, you won't," said Beckett. "Dr. McKay would love for you to help him to his room because he is ordered to go there and get some rest. And I don't expect to see you back tonight. The colonel is not going to want an audience for this and neither do I. When it's over, I expect he'll need to rest. You can check back in the morning and I might actually know something by then."

McKay opened his mouth to argue, but was cut off. "No . . . no arguments. Get out of my infirmary. If you stay, I'll just sedate you to keep you out of my way."

McKay looked at Beckett, trying to determine if he was bluffing. After a few seconds, he decided it wasn't worth the risk. Teyla helped him as he stood and stiffly stepped over to stand beside Sheppard.

"Sorry to abandon you, Colonel, but self preservations dictates that I must."

"I understand, McKay. I'll be fine. Just take care of yourself."

"Yeah . . . same to you."

Beckett watched as Rodney and Teyla left and then turned to John. "Okay, Colonel, time to get changed. Do you need any help?"

"No, I can do it." Sheppard pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the bed and looked down at the scrubs. He watched Beckett close the privacy curtains and then began pulling his shirt off, trying to ignore the continuing ache in his stomach. He kept reminding himself that at least they were safe and at home.

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

**Note:** Thanks for all the great feedback. I'm always glad to see there are fellow whumpaholics out there, all of us perfectly happy to stay that way. Please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times.

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 14

Elizabeth stepped into the semi-darkened infirmary and glanced around. She spotted him almost immediately, curled up on his side with his back facing her. She noticed the IV stand beside the bed and remembered Carson telling her he'd been dehydrated. His breathing seemed regular and he was rather still, at least for him, so she assumed he was asleep. Looking back over to Carson's lighted office, she stepped in the doorway.

Carson looked up from the test results on his desk at the sound of approaching footsteps. "Come in, Elizabeth, and sit down. Can I get you a cup of coffee?"

"Oh, Carson, that would be wonderful if you have some." Elizabeth plopped down in the chair across from the doctor's seat, realizing for the first time that day how tired she really was.

"Be right back. I was just about to pour myself a refill." He grabbed the empty mug from the corner of his desk and moved quickly out the door. Elizabeth leaned forward enough to see the name on the file lying open on the physician's desk, as if she didn't know whose it was. The name on the side of the thick file said John Sheppard. Who else?

"Here you go," Carson said as he handed her a mug of coffee. He set his own mug on the desk and walked around it to sit down. "I guess I know who you are here about."

Elizabeth smiled as she sipped her coffee. "Actually, I wouldn't mind hearing the latest on all three of them."

Beckett smiled. "I'll start with the easy one. Ronon's leg is healing nicely, but he'll still be on crutches for a while and, of course, need some physical therapy when he's out of the cast. Rodney is progressing well, too. I released him today, but he'll need to wear a brace most of the day for the next few weeks. We need to get him walking to get some mild exercise pretty soon to tone up his muscles. He's still having some mild headaches and dizzy spells from the concussion, but they seem to be getting fewer and farther between."

"And then there's John," said Elizabeth.

"Yes, and then there's the colonel. As I told you earlier, we did a new workup on his blood this afternoon and the upper GI endoscopy this evening. I was just looking over all his test results when you came in. He has a very serious case of gastritis, probably from a variety of causes. I think the lead-in was vomiting from the concussion he suffered. The immediate food restriction and stress from trying to care for Rodney and Ronon only added to the problem. The stress probably led to an increase in stomach acid, but there was nothing in his stomach to digest. If there was, he threw it up. This irritated the lining of his stomach and esophagus. At that point it became one of those never-ending cycles that fed upon itself."

Elizabeth nodded. "So he couldn't eat or keep anything down because of the inflammation, but the inflammation got worse because he couldn't eat."

"Exactly. Somewhere in there, he's picked up a bacterial infection that is keeping the problem going. It seems to have some properties similar to the bacteria on earth that has been found responsible for many digestive problems, including ulcers and chronic gastritis. But it is different in some ways, so that leads me to believe he's picked it up here in the Pegasus galaxy. Even though we've started him on food again, this bacteria keeps building and inflaming the lining of his upper digestive system again and again, which causes the vomiting, which then irritates the lining even more. There's a couple of places in his esophagus and one in his stomach that are close to ulcerating and are already bleeding slightly. I've started him on a regimen similar to what is used to treat ulcers at home, a combination of antibiotics and acid-suppressants. The bad thing is, the treatment can cause side-effects in some people like nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, so I need to keep him for a few days to see how it goes. He's already dehydrated and suffering from a second infection because his immune system is so depressed. He won't admit it, but I'm sure he's in a fair amount of pain, as well."

"Basically, he's a mess."

Carson grinned. "Pretty much. Before I'll consider releasing him again, I need him hydrated, his fever down, some food going in him that will stay down, and to make sure the medication isn't going to make him worse."

Elizabeth sipped her coffee and then sat looking down into the half empty cup, as if she might find some answers there. "This is going to set him back quite a bit, isn't it?"

"Aye, I'm afraid it will. Before this is over, I'm sure he'll have lost another pound or two. It won't make it any easier to get him back on food, that's for sure, although I do have a concoction that I may try to get down him to give him a jump start. I'm also quite worried about his mental state. So far he's been handling this whole situation by continuing his role as protector and caregiver for Rodney and Ronon, and he's not going to be able to do that for a while. I suspect he's having some rather disturbing nightmares that are keeping him wound up, as well. Between his gastric problems, the trouble he's having getting his wounds to heal, and this secondary infection, he's very weak at the moment. He hasn't said much, but I'm beginning to pick up on the fact that he is also having some headaches and dizziness that may be a remnant of his concussion. It's hard to tell with him if it's the concussion or lack of food causing it."

"We'll just have to reassure him that Rodney and Ronon are safe and well-cared for, even though he's not the one doing it. Do you think it would be a good idea for them to spend some time with him here?"

"Oh, there's no doubt about it. Not only would that ease his mind, but theirs as well. There is a bond that formed between the three of them while out there alone and depending on one another for survival. I could see that during that first week they were all here together. They were all constantly aware of what was happening with the other two and they often talked together about their situation. I think that continued contact is very important to the healing process for all of them."

Elizabeth finished off the last of the coffee and set her empty mug on the edge of Carson's desk, leaning forward in her chair as she did so. "So what is the prognosis for the three of them?"

"I see no reason why they can't all make a full recovery eventually. It's like I told you that first day they were back. It's going to be a long, slow process for all of them, but with our help, they can do it."

Elizabeth smiled as she stood and prepared to leave. "That's all I needed to hear. We'll get them through this, Carson."

"Aye, that we will, lass."

"Can I stop by his bed on the way out if I promise not to wake him?"

Carson smiled knowingly. "You won't wake him, lass, trust me."

Elizabeth smiled, knowing that meant Carson had given him something strong for the pain he had been in earlier. She left the office and walked over to the bed, standing on the side he was facing. He looked almost as pale and fragile as they day they brought them back on the jumper. She grinned as she thought about how much cleaner he was now than he had been then. She knew Carson said she couldn't wake him, but she was afraid to touch him all the same. He looked so peaceful and she didn't want to risk disturbing that. He needed it too much.

"Get better John." With a small sigh, she turned and left the sleeping form of her second in command.

oOo

Marcy looked down at the thermometer. "Still holding at 102."

Beckett nodded and recorded the number. "It appears your fever is almost as stubborn as you are," he said, looking down at Sheppard shifting restlessly in the bed.

"Almost?" asked John, the edges of his mouth turning up a bit as he struggled to hold his eyes open.

Beckett smiled. "Yes, _almost_." The doctor watched as Marcy set the thermometer down and retrieved the cloth from the bowl of water, squeezing out the excess. She then gently resumed wiping the sweat from the colonel's face.

"Thanks," he whispered, letting his eyes close. The cool dampness felt good on his hot face and he relished anything that felt good at the moment, no matter how brief. He shifted his legs around, trying to relieve the endless ache in his stomach. Truth be told, his whole body ached, but his stomach was crying the loudest. He was trying to thrash carefully since Beckett had started a second IV line and it was taking some work to not get tangled or pull any of them loose.

"No problem, Colonel," replied Marcy. "It turns out you're our only real patient right now, so that gives me time to give you a little more personal care. I'm just hoping this is helping you feel a little better."

"It is." John moaned softly and rolled over on his side, bringing his legs up against the pain.

"Colonel, is it getting worse?" asked Beckett, his concern edging up a bit.

John relaxed a little, shifting down into the bed. "Better now. Just a cramp."

Beckett sighed and disappeared for a few minutes, reappearing with a syringe. He emptied it into John's IV port. "Colonel, you have to tell me when the pain gets worse so I can help you. There's no reason for to lay there and suffer any more than necessary." Beckett turned at the sound of several people entering the infirmary. Ronon, Rodney, and Teyla were standing in the doorway, looking their way.

"Colonel, it looks like you have visitors."

"No," Sheppard said forcefully, surprising both Marcy and Carson. "Don't want them . . . see me like this."

Beckett glanced back to see them heading toward Sheppard's bed. "I don't think they are going to let me tell them no. And they need to see you. They're worried about you, just like you were worried about them. I can guarantee they'll be more upset if I don't let them visit than they will to see that you are ill."

Sheppard looked up at Beckett, his eyes glassy from the fever. "Okay," he said reluctantly.

Marcy wiped his face once more and returned the cloth to the bowl. Leaning over him, she said, " I'll leave you with your friends and come back when they're gone." She quickly slipped away from the bed.

Beckett moved back as Ronon hobbled up on his crutches, Rodney moving carefully in his brace. Teyla went to the other side of the bed. "How are my other two recovering patients?" asked Beckett lightly.

"I'd be better if my back didn't hurt all the time," moaned Rodney.

Ronon growled at Rodney. "We're fine, doctor. How's Sheppard?"

"Dr. Weir told us about the Colonel's condition at breakfast," said Teyla. "We wanted to see if there had been any improvement during the night."

"I'm fine," said Sheppard weakly from the bed, twisting around to once again lie on his back."

Rodney snorted loudly. "And I'm the Queen of England. Carson, the man is obviously delirious."

"Am not," Sheppard protested, but he made an effort to smile, which pleased them all. "Just a bellyache."

"Well, it's little more serious than that," countered Carson, "but nothing that we can't treat. We've actually started treatment already. But the medication can have side effects and the Colonel is running a fever, so he'll get to be my guest for a few days while we get him sorted out. When we get you back on food, we'll have to work on finding things that won't upset your stomach until you're healed and back to normal."

"Perhaps we can help," offered Teyla.

"Yes, lass, I imagine you can," said Beckett, smiling at her.

"Great . . . food monitors," muttered John.

"Well, you wouldn't need food monitors if you weren't such a baby," complained Rodney.

"Not a baby," said John, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth together. "Oh . . . crap."

"Grab his arm and help me sit him up," said Beckett urgently. He elbowed Rodney out of the way so he could grab Sheppard's arm and Teyla grabbed the other. They quickly pulled him into a sitting position. As Beckett turned around, Rodney handed him the basin that had been sitting on the table. "Thanks," Beckett said curtly as he whirled around and got it under Sheppard as he began retching.

Rodney made a gagging motion and turned around so he didn't have to watch, thinking seriously about putting his fingers in his ears. He glanced at Ronon to see the Satedan glaring at him and gave him his best "can't help it" expression.

By the time Sheppard finished dry heaving, Marcy had made an appearance and took the basin from the doctor. There wasn't much there since he hadn't eaten anything. Carson gave him some water to rinse with and then raised the head of the bed slightly before helping him ease back against the pillow.

"Sorry," John rasped, his throat feeling hot and raw.

Beckett took the rag from the water and wrung it out before handing it to John to wipe his face with. "It's all right, lad. I'm afraid I've been expecting it. How's your stomach?"

John looked at Beckett thoughtfully as he handed the rag back. "A little better, actually."

"Good. It's about time."

Rodney slowly turned back around. "Is it safe? Has Volcano Sheppard quit erupting yet?"

Beckett sighed and turned to face the scientist. "Colonel Sheppard is fine now, and grateful, I'm sure, for your concern."

"Can I help it if I have a weak stomach?"

"Somehow I doubt Sheppard was exactly enjoying the experience," said Ronon.

John chuckled, but stopped when it made him cough and hurt his throat. "S'okay guys. Rodney's just . . . being Rodney."

McKay looked relieved. "See, Sheppard knows I don't mean anything by it."

Beckett grinned and patted Rodney on the arm. "Aye, lad, and we know it as well. You can stay and visit for a few more minutes if you'd like, but don't stay long. The Colonel is still running a fever and he needs to rest."

"We will not stay long," said Teyla. "Ronon and Dr. McKay will need to rest as well. They have both been on their feet for a while now."

Beckett nodded at Teyla. "Lass, you are proving an extra valuable asset of late. I may need to put you on the payroll for helping me take care of these three hooligans."

"What's a hooligan?" asked Ronon.

"Let's put it this way," said McKay. "We've just been insulted."

oOo

Beckett handed John a cup with a small amount of liquid in it. John peered down at the off white mixture, almost gagging at the sight of it. "What _is_ this?"

"Trust me, it's better if you don't know. It's almost pure carbohydrates, fats, and protein. It'll give your body a good boost if we can keep it in you. There's only 100ml there. Just drink it fast and then wash it down with some water. I'd like to get this in you two or three times a day if we can."

John swallowed hard. "Okay, I know I said the nausea was better tonight, but I'm not sure if it's this much better."

"Colonel, your fever is up. You're so weak and run down that your body is having a hard time fighting the infection, even with the antibiotics. We've got to start building your strength back up. Just give it a try."

John nodded, knowing Beckett was right. He'd been hot all afternoon, with intermittent bouts of chills, and he knew the fever was getting worse. "Okay, just have a bucket or something ready." John held the cup of goop in one hand and a cup of water in the other. Holding his breath, he drank the goop and then chased it with half a glass of water. As soon as he stopped drinking, he twisted his face and made a gagging noise. He then finished the cup of water. Finally, he set both cups on the tray table and gasped for breath. He gagged again, but managed to keep from bringing it up.

Beckett was trying not to laugh at the faces the Colonel was making. It reminded him of the face his nephew made when he took cough syrup. "Are you all right, Colonel?"

Sheppard shuddered as he opened his eyes and rolled his tongue around in his mouth as if trying to rid it of something. "I don't think dirty socks could taste worse. My taste buds have been mortally wounded."

"What about your stomach?"

Sheppard thought a minute and then looked surprised. "It's okay . . . I think. This is weird."

Beckett collected the empty glasses, looking very pleased with himself. "Let me know if that tries to make a return appearance. I want to leave you sitting up for a while til we see how it goes. If it stays, I'd like to try it again in the morning."

Sheppard screwed up his face in disgust. "Are you sure there's nothing you can do about the taste?"

"I could give it to you through a feeding tube," offered Beckett.

"No . . . no, I'm fine. We can just do it this way."

"If you keep down a morning dose of my special brew, I'll see about getting you some broth for lunch. How about that?"

John nodded. "I can live with that. Anything that doesn't make me throw up. I'm so tired of that."

"Aye, lad, I know. Try to get some rest. We need to get your fever down."

John nodded as he leaned his head back against the pillows. His stomach felt oddly full, even though he hadn't put that much in it. At least it didn't hurt at the moment. As the activity in the infirmary lessened and it became quiet, he felt himself being lulled to sleep.

oOo

He felt as though he was lost in a maze. He could hear Rodney and Ronon calling for him, begging him to help them. They were hurt and starving and he couldn't find them. He kept searching, but every path he took turned into a dead end. Their cries were getting weaker and more desperate, emphasizing that he didn't have much time.

John sat straight up in bed, peering through the darkness. He could no longer hear Rodney and Ronon and that scared him. What if they were dead? What if they died waiting on him to come help them?

He leaped out of bed, stumbling and falling to the floor. He felt a tug on the back of his hand and then a burn, as if something had stung him. Shaking it off, he pulled himself to his feet and staggered off in the dark, searching for his ailing team mates.

Nick stepped out of the storeroom and looked around the infirmary. "Kelly?"

"What?" He couldn't see her for a few seconds, then finally saw her head stick out of the records closet.

"Did you hear something?"

"No, but I scooting a cabinet around on the floor, so I probably wouldn't have noticed if a bomb went off in here."

Nick continued to study the room as he walked out farther to get a better view of the whole ward. "Oh, crap. Sheppard's gone."

"What?" Kelly hurried out to stand next to Nick. Sheppard's bed was empty, his IV line lying in the floor around his crumpled sheet. "Bathroom?"

Two sets of eyes went to the open door and dark room. "No, it's not going to be that easy. I'll start looking and you call Carson." Nick took off down the hall as Kelly sighed.

"Right, Nick. Leave me to tell the boss we lost his most important patient. Thanks a bunch." Kelly took a deep breath and clicked her radio.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 15**

Nick knew that, realistically, Sheppard couldn't have gone far. But he couldn't quite shake the panic that was rushing through his veins as he ran down the shadowy corridor. He also couldn't stop thinking about how pissed Dr. Beckett was going to be when he found out about Sheppard being missing.

Or not missing. To Nick's intense relief, he found Colonel Sheppard just past the bend in the corridor. He was slumped against the wall and Nick ran to him, kneeling down beside him and reaching out to check his pulse first thing. It was a bit thready and Sheppard's skin was warm but clammy. His fever was up. "Colonel," Nick said softly, not wanting to spook him since he seemed unaware of his presence, despite Nick's touch.

"Rodney?" John turned his head, blinking hard and looking hopeful.

"It's Nick, Dr. Stauhan," he replied. "What are you doing out of bed, Colonel?"

John reached out with a shaky hand, thin fingers curling in the lapel of Nick's lab coat. "I have to find them," he whispered. "Please...will you help me find them before the Wraith come?"

Nick gripped John's wrist, frowning to feel how thin and fragile it was. "Find who?" he asked.

"Rodney and Ronon." John was trying to get to his knees now, but his body was not cooperating and he almost growled in frustration. "I went to find water and I got lost. I can't find them." He was becoming agitated and distressed.

"I'll help you," Nick promised, wrapping his arms around Sheppard and hauling them both upright. It scared him how light the Colonel was. Seeing his fragile state was one thing, feeling it was worse. But Nick forcibly detached himself from becoming too emotional. Sheppard didn't need pity right now. He needed a doctor and a friend.

John made the attempt to walk away, pulling free of the grip on him, only his knees buckled and he almost fell. "Dammit!" he raged, thin fists suddenly banging against his thighs.

Nick supported him and said softly, "It's okay, Colonel. You're on Atlantis now and Rodney and Ronon are here too, and they're safe." He watched as hazel eyes focused on him, confusion and hope flickering in their depths.

"We're home?" he whispered.

"You're home," Nick confirmed, and it about near broke his heart when Sheppard's eyes grew bright with dampness. He felt his own eyes burn with unshed tears. The man was falling apart in front of everyone and it was painful to watch. Painful and wrong. Nick cleared his throat and said, "We need to get you back to the infirmary, Colonel. You need to rest so you can get better."

John nodded, the movement slow and painful looking. "It was a dream," he breathed. "I kept dreaming they died...in the cave. I couldn't save them."

Nick felt something tighten in his chest, making it feel like he couldn't breathe properly. He couldn't even imagine the hell it must have been for Sheppard and his team. He couldn't image the guilt Sheppard was feeling, even though it felt almost viable in this moment. "You kept them alive, Colonel," Nick stated. "You got them home."

"Cold," John said, shuddering now in the thin scrubs.

"We'll get you back in bed and all warmed up," Nick promised, as he got them moving forward. He could feel Sheppard trying to support his own weight and struggling with the effort. The trembling in the thin body increased and Nick increased his support.

They made it back through sheer willpower on Sheppard's part. Carson was waiting for them, his expression grim and Nick sent a silent apology his way. The hand that clapped him on the shoulder let him know that Beckett didn't blame him for what happened. For that Nick was grateful, even though he still blamed himself. He was also grateful when Carson moved to the Colonel's other side and helped Nick support him back to his bed.

Carson looked upset as they got Sheppard settled again, running his hands over the shuddering form. "His fever's up."

"I know. He's delusional." Nick drew the blanket's over Sheppard then accepted an IV needle from Kelly, along with an alcohol pad. "Just a pinch, Colonel," he said, as he started the new line. He doubted Sheppard heard him, but he wanted him to inform him anyway. He didn't want the man to have to deal with any surprises.

"We'll give him stronger antibiotics and a double dose of ibuprofen," Carson stated as he studied his most worrisome patient.

Nick nodded, then he and Beckett and Kelly worked as a team to get the Colonel situated and sleeping again. Then he and Carson moved away for a bit of a chat. "Sheppard thought he was back on that planet and that he had lost Rodney and Ronon. Or rather he had gotten lost and couldn't find his way back to them. He was afraid the Wraith were going to get them."

Carson sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face then pressing fingertips to closed eyelids for a moment. "Just when it looks like he might be getting better, the poor man gets hit with yet another set back. It's just not fair."

"I should have been keeping a better watch on him," Nick stated, feeling his guilt flare up again.

"You can't watch him every minute," Carson protested. "And you can't tell me you honestly believed the man had the strength to get out of bed. Because I sure didn't."

Nick shrugged. "I don't know what I believe about Sheppard any more. He defies all aspects of every rule or belief in every way."

Carson chuckled at that. "Aye, laddie...that he does. And it's that damned defiance that's going to get him through whatever hell comes his way. He's going to get better and then life around here will get back to normal. Or, rather, what passes for normal on Atlantis," he amended.

"Amen to that," Nick said, turning to study Sheppard's pale form. "I'm going to sit with him for a while." As he spoke, Nick dropped down into the chair next to the Colonel's bed.

"I'll be back in the morning," Carson said. "Call me if you need me."

Nick nodded, his eyes never leaving Sheppard's face.

OoO

Carson walked into the infirmary a few hours later to find Nick looking exhausted and Colonel Sheppard in loose restraints. "What happened?" he asked, moving to the bed to give Sheppard a once over.

Nick moved to join him, looking exhausted. "His temp spiked and he became increasingly delusional. He tried to get up again to look for Rodney and Ronon. Then he thought the Genii were back and he was screaming at Kolya to leave Dr. McKay and Dr. Weir alone. And just about an hour ago he was trying to run off to find Ford."

"Bloody hell!" Carson cursed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He reached for John's chart and was relieved to see that his temp was down to just under 102. But it was still worrisome. "Go get some rest," He told Nick. "I have a feeling I'm going to need you in top form tonight."

"I hope you're wrong," Nick replied, worry glimmering in his eyes. He studied Sheppard for a moment, then turned and left the infirmary.

Carson did a pulse and BP check on Sheppard, liking to be hands on with his patients. He wrote down the results on the chart then grabbed the chair and settled himself into it. "What am I going to do with you, Colonel?" he muttered, as he studied Sheppard's pale face. He watched as the man shifted in the bed, tugging at the restraints and muttering softly. "Keep fighting the good fight, laddie. I know you're going to win in the end, but damned if you aren't going to give me gray hairs by the time you do."

He wasn't alone in keeping his vigil. There were a smattering of other patients, nothing major to deal with, and when he did have to be away, Teyla or Ronon or Weir sat with Sheppard. Rodney came by for a few minutes as well, but his back was bothering him so Carson sent him to his room to rest.

It was late in the afternoon and Carson found himself dozing in the chair by Sheppard's bed when he heard someone calling his name. He nearly tipped himself onto the floor in his haste to get to his feet, when he realized it was the Colonel calling him. First thing he did was press a hand to Sheppard's forehead. It was cool and damp and relief flooded through Carson. The fever had finally broken. "How are you feeling, laddie?" Carson queried, even as he reached for the ear thermometer for confirmation.

"Been better," John croaked, otherwise being still till the thermometer beeped.

"Fever's gone," Carson announced.

John just looked at him. "What did I do?" he asked after a painful moment of silence.

Carson frowned in confusion? "Do?" he echoed. "I'm not sure what you mean?"

"This?" John tugged at the restraints. "What did I do?" he repeated.

"Bloody hell!" Carson cursed, even as he began undoing the arm closest to him. "I'm sorry, Colonel. You didn't do anything. I mean...you were delirious and tried to get out of bed and the restraints were just so you couldn't do more damage to yourself."

John seemed to ingest that information, and when both wrists were free he rubbed at them then frowned at his hands. "The IV was in the other hand, wasn't it?"

Carson nodded. "You pulled it out so we had to move it."

"Oh." John shifted in the bed, looking uncomfortable. "I have to pee," he announced.

"Urinal?" Carson asked, hopefully, but he knew the reply he would get. Only he didn't.

John simply nodded. "That's fine."

Carson tried to hide his shock, turning away to get the required object. He pulled the privacy curtain then assisted a bit as the Colonel relieved himself. He then called to a nurse who came and took the urinal to dump. Carson then turned back to Sheppard and eyed him with concern. "I didn't expect that," he confessed.

"Tired," John replied, licking his lips.

"Would you like some water?" Carson mentally kicked himself for not offering sooner."

John nodded. "Please." He gripped the cup Beckett held out to him, but his hand was shaking too hard to keep a good hold. He said nothing as Carson helped steady it. He simply took two small sips then relaxed back against the pillows.

Carson set the cup aside then asked, "Are you in any pain?"

"Stomach hurts a bit," John allowed. "Head too."

"I'll get you something," Carson said, taking a moment to fuss with the blankets first. He knew Sheppard had to be feeling weak and basically like crap, but it was as if all the fight had gone out of him and that worried Beckett more than the fever had. "Get some rest, Colonel," he said softly. He watched Sheppard's eyes closed then he went off to fetch the pain killer. Carson injected it into the IV port and he was relieved when Sheppard's body seemed to relax into the bed. He listened as his breathing deepened, nodding to himself in satisfaction.

Sitting back down in the chair, Carson kept vigil over Sheppard, not moving until Nick appeared to take his place. Then Carson went to his quarters and tried to sleep, but even once he drifted off he dreamed about Sheppard fighting the Wraith but in the end giving up and being fed upon until he withered away to dust and disappeared.

OoO

When John woke up, he did so in stages of awareness. First thing to catch his attention was the fact that his stomach hurt. He swallowed a moan and curled up onto his side, trying to ride out a wave of pain. He next became aware of someone calling his name, then a touch to his face and his eyes popped open. He recognized Nick's face.

"Stomach hurt?" the doctor asked, concern darkening his eyes.

"A little," John admitted, almost sighing in relief when the cramp eased. He rolled onto his back again, feeling sluggish. "Could I have some water?"

Nick smiled, already reaching for the cup. "Of course. Just small sips," he reminded.

John did as he was told but still wondered for a moment if it was going to stay down. The simple effort of drinking though, cost him. He felt as worn out as if he'd run a marathon. "Sorry," he whispered, closing his eyes and feeling Nick fuss with the covers. He realized something else as well. He had a catheter again.

"Sorry for what?" Nick prompted.

"Being such a bother and a mess," John replied.

Nick made a strangled sound then he was heaving a sigh. "Colonel, don't start thinking like that," he admonished. "What happened happened and you're doing the best you can to get better. You knew it was going to be a long haul."

John heaved his own sigh then opened his eyes, but he didn't look at Nick. "I feel like I keep going backwards," he replied. "No forward steps." Which to his mind was starting to mean, no hope. John knew the deal. He had to eat to get better, but his own body was starting to betray him. How could he fight against that?

"That happens," Nick allowed. "It just means you have to be patient and keep on keeping on." He reached out and patted John on the shoulder, his hand stiffening a moment, then pulling away.

"I won't break," John whispered, because he knew Nick's reaction was to how thin he was. He was staring at his own hands, hands that were skeletal thin. Hands that looked impossibly fragile. Like they wouldn't be able to hold a gun. They didn't look like his hands anymore.

Nick turned to grab the chair and bring it closer, then he sat down and cleared his throat, as if preparing himself for what he was about to say. "I'm not going to lie to you, Colonel. You've got a long way to go to getting better. But you will get better. You just have to accept the fact that it's not going to happen overnight."

John knew that, but he was just so damn tired of feeling so damn tired. "How long was I out of it?" he asked, one hand gesturing over his lap so that Nick would get the hint why he was asking.

"Two days, give or take a few hours," Nick replied. "I can take the catheter out now if you like. But you'll probably have to use a urinal for today."

"Whatever," John replied, because he really didn't have the energy to care anymore.

Nick made a face then stood up. "I'll get some gloves and be right back." He was as good as his word and a few minutes later John was catheter free. "Are you hungry?" Nick asked, as he handed off the tubing and tossed away the gloves.

John was and he wasn't, but he knew he needed to eat. He just doubted his stomach could handle anything, and that must have shown on his face because Nick stated,

"We need to start with Carson's nasty concoction." Nick grimaced then chuckled when John glared at him. "I know it has to taste as bad as it looks, but if you can get more in you it's going to make a world of difference. Trust me."

"Okay." John knew he needed to trust someone. So he waited, dozing lightly, while Nick went and fetched a mug of goop. Then he steeled himself and swallowed it down, fighting his gag reflex. A glass of water helped to keep it down, but the whole process left John feeling exhausted.

Nick smoothed his covers and said softly, "You did great, Colonel. Try and get some sleep now."

John's reply was to close his eyes and drift softly into darkness.

**THE END...of part 15**


	16. Chapter 16

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 16**

_He watched in horror as two Wraith sucked the life out of Rodney and Ronon. He watched them grow old before his eyes and he was helpless to stop it. Unseen hands were holding him back and a cold voice whispered in his ear, "You killed them...you killed them.."_

_Over and over like a chant._

_He wanted to deny it, to scream that it wasn't true, but he was watching them die right before his eyes. He watched as Rodney turned his pain-filled gaze to him, pleading for help, only for the light to fade and Rodney was nothing more than a bag of skin and bones. _

_John closed his eyes and screamed._

"Sheppard!"

He jolted awake, body screaming in protest as he struggled against the hands that held him. Strong hands pushing him back then a face looming over him and something touching his skin. He jerked then blinked hard and brought into focus a familiar visage. "Ronon..." he whispered, and realized the other man's dreads were brushing his skin.

Ronon nodded, easing back a bit awkwardly. "You were dreaming," he said, as he reached for his crutches.

"Sorry." John wiped his face with the palm of one shaky hand, feeling the wetness from the cold sweat that drenched him.

"You didn't kill me." Ronon's tone was matter of fact as he spoke.

John closed his eyes, swallowing hard against the bile that was trying to work its way up his throat. He won the battle after a moment and said, "I know that." He didn't sound very convinced to his own ears, and when he looked at Ronon, the big guy didn't seem convinced either. "It's just a stupid dream," John said softly.

Ronon held his gaze for a long moment, then nodded. He hobbled a bit to the chair by the bed and lowered himself into it, discarding his crutches. "I'll keep watch," he stated. "Get some sleep."

"Thanks." The offer meant alot to John and he knew what Ronon was trying to do. But guilt was a funny thing and John knew it wouldn't be easy to get his subconscious mind to absolve itself. Still, he curled up on his side and closed his eyes, willing himself back to sleep.

OoO

Elizabeth stared at the people seated around the conference table. Ronon, Teyla, Rodney, Carson and Kate. They were all there to talk about John. "How is he doing?" she asked Carson. Might as well deal with the physical aspects first.

Carson looked unhappy and he hesitated a moment before replying, his gaze searching out everyone in the room. "He's going through a rough patch," he said finally. "His body is having a hard time dealing with everything that's wrong with it. It's going to be a very slow process, and a frustrating one for the Colonel."

"But he will get better." It was Teyla who spoke up and she put it as a statement, not a question.

"If he keeps fighting to get better, yes," Carson replied.

Elizabeth wasn't sure she liked the sound of that. "IF he keeps fighting?" she repeated. "Is there something you're not telling us?"

Carson sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before replying. "There are psychological aspects to the healing process, and the Colonel's emotional status is rather at odds with his physical status. In other words, his body and his mind are at war with each other, and what's happening is that in doing so they're canceling out all positive aspects of the healing process."

"That doesn't sound good," Rodney interjected, and he was surprisingly subdued about it.

"It's not," Carson admitted. "Which is why it's taking so long for the Colonel to make any visible progress."

This wasn't what Elizabeth wanted to hear. She wanted to hear that Sheppard was doing better. That he was doing what he had always done in the past. You knock him down, he gets right back up and keeps on going. She needed him back. Atlantis needed him. The Wraith and other enemies were still out there and Elizabeth couldn't face them alone. "How long are we talking here, Carson?" she queried. "How long before he's better?" She figured she might as well cut to the chase. Especially since Rodney and Ronon were still out of commission. Only she knew Ronon would be back to normal within two months, and Rodney would be back on light duty soon enough and that he was available in an advisory capacity if needed. But someone needed to be in charge of the military faction of Atlantis and Lorne was good, but he wasn't ready to take John's place. Nor was Elizabeth ready to replace him. But she needed a time frame to work with. The needs of Atlantis as a whole had to come first.

Carson grimaced, exchanging a look with Kate before replying. "I'm not sure I can give you one," he confessed. "But at the moment, I'd say we're talking months before he'd be back on full duty."

"What about light duty?" Elizabeth countered. She would take what she could get.

"Maybe in a few weeks. I really don't know." Carson sounded frustrated.

Elizabeth looked at Kate. "What do you think?"

Kate shrugged. "I think we all need to be patient and supportive. The Colonel is a strong man and I know he wants to get better. We just need to give him the time to do that."

"Then that's what we'll do," Elizabeth stated, forcing a smile and nodding to everyone that this meeting was over. She watched them file out and when she was alone she buried her face in her hands, fighting back tears.

OoO

Two days passed in somewhat of a haze for John. He slept a lot, gagged down Carson's concoction, suffered through nightmares and tried to stay awake and focused during visits from his teammates. It finally hit John that he was wasting time in bed, but his fever was kicking his ass. Until the third night when he woke up cold and drenched and Nick happily informed him his fever had finally broken. John nodded then fell back asleep, waking up feeling a bit groggy but much better. His stomach hurt and his head ached a bit and he felt grungy, but he also felt more focused than he had in a while and he didn't remember dreaming for once.

"How are you feeling today, Colonel?" Carson queried, moving to his side with a smile on his face.

"Itchy," John replied. "I need a shower."

Carson cocked an eyebrow at him, then nodded. "I think we can arrange that. Think you can handle a mug of goop?"

John held out one hand, hating the way it trembled. He would drink the horrid stuff if it killed him. He would drink it and eat everything Carson gave him and, dammit, he would get out of this goddam bed and back to work! But it was easier said than done and he nearly brought it back up, fighting the gag reflex all the way. The battle wore him out and he slept for a bit, but when he woke up he insisted on his shower.

It was a long and tiring process, but thirty minutes later John was back in bed wearing scrubs and feeling much more alive and alert than he had in ages. He surprised Carson by asking for some broth. He'd been able to keep it down before so he was going to try again. Happily, it stayed down and John was pleased with himself.

His day went surprisingly well. He managed another mug of goop, more soup and three bites of toast by the end of the day. He dozed here and there and was pleasantly tired by nightfall. Then came the hard part, sleeping the night through without dreaming. John was trying to force himself to sleep when he sensed a presence. Opening his eyes, he turned his head to see Ronon settling himself in a chair beside him. "What are you doing here?" John asked. He knew it was late.

"Keeping watch," Ronon replied, as if that explained everything.

And maybe it did. John struggled between thanking him and ordering him back to his room. In the end he smiled, nodded, and closed his eyes. Then he drifted off to sleep. He dreamed but Ronon was there and took the edge off the terror, allowing John to fall back into slumber.

The next two days passed in much the same way. Only John tried to eat more and he made himself get up and walk around every hour. Then he begged and pleaded with Carson until he was allowed back to his room. He also insisted on walking there, and both Carson and Elizabeth accompanied him. He felt a bit worn out by the time he was stretched out on his bed, but it felt good to be back in his room. He figured he'd rest a bit, eat then head off to visit Rodney for a bit. The scientist hadn't been around much lately and only the fact that Ronon and Teyla both promised John they were keeping an eye on McKay, allowed John not to worry too much. But he wanted to see Rodney for himself and talk to him. He figured Rodney was fighting his own demons and he wanted to help him.

Carson fussed over John for a bit, leaving him instructions to eat and rest and call him if he needed anything at all. John promised he would then waved Carson out.

Elizabeth remained, a frown on her face as she moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "You look a lot better," she commented.

"I look like hell," John replied, with a wry grin. He wasn't going to kid himself, or let her pretend otherwise either.

"Yeah...but that's still better than before," Elizabeth replied, matching his smile. "You had me worried for a while."

John sighed, running one hand through his hair. He needed it cut. It was so long it didn't stick up anymore. "I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get better. But I'm on the mend now."

Elizabeth nodded. "Don't rush it, John. And you have nothing to apologize for. I'm just glad you made it back to us." She patted his knee then stood up. "Get some sleep." Another smile and she was gone.

"I'm pretty glad too," John whispered to himself, then he let his eyes close as he drifted off to sleep.

OoO

The next week gave John hope. He was able to keep more food down, although there were a few occasions when his stomach rebelled on him. Not that he let Carson know about it. He was still a bit frustrated since he only managed to gain a pound and until he gained at least three more, Carson was refusing to let him do anything physical beyond walking from place to place. Meaning he couldn't even take a walk for exercise, which left John feeling jittery at times.

The nightmares still plagued him, which left him feeling tired overall, which meant he took a few naps during the day. He had to be rested to help his body heal. Being rested made it easier to fuel his body as well. John knew what needed to be done to get better and he focused on doing so with intensity. Atlantis needed him, as did his team.

Ronon was healing in leaps and bounds, wearing a walking cast now and doing mild workouts with Teyla. John knew the Satedan was going to be fine. Rodney was still wearing a brace and he tired easily, but he was back to work and avoiding John a bit. When John kept popping up in his lab they would talk, but never about what happened and John didn't push it. He knew Rodney had to be willing to talk, so he bided his time.

All and all he felt positive. It finally began to feel like things were going back to normal. Until the Daedalus arrived and Elizabeth called a senior staff meeting. John was allowed to work on files for one hour a day and to be updated on the goings on in Atlantis by Lorne. And Carson was willing to let him attend this particular staff meeting.

John entered the conference room with a smile on his face, until he saw the look on Caldwell's. The man looked stunned and it took John a moment to realize that he was reacting to his appearance. "Good to see you, sir," John said, deciding to be official and maybe Caldwell would get the horrified look off his face. It made John uncomfortable being stared at so intensely. The people in Atlantis had adjusted to him, but Caldwell wasn't covering his surprise and it made John feel angry and defensive.

Caldwell seemed to shake himself, assuming a neutral expression and offering a strained smile. "I'm glad you and your team made it back, Colonel," he stated.

"Thanks," John replied, then he turned away and headed for the chair next to Elizabeth at the conference table. Her expression was grim. Leaning in to her he said, "You don't look happy. I take it you weren't expecting Caldwell?"

"No, I wasn't," Elizabeth confirmed. She leaned in further to him to whisper, "But I can guess why he's here."

So could John. "To take over for me while I recuperate." Before Elizabeth could say anything, he squeezed her arm. "It's okay. It's probably for the best. We need a lead team out in the field, which means sending out Lorne, and having someone here to run things until I'm back in the saddle is the right thing to do for the sake of Atlantis." John spoke with firm sincerity, because he wanted to mean what he said. But a part of him was pissed at Caldwell. Pissed and hurt.

Elizabeth was about to reply when Caldwell sat down. She called everyone to silence then gave the floor to the Daedalus commander. In a nut shell he explained that SGC was aware of the fact that Sheppard and his team were recuperating and that Sheppard would probably be out of commission for a while, so Caldwell was there to step in for him.

It was Rodney who made the first protest, followed by Ronon and Teyla, until John spoke up.

"We need Colonel Caldwell here!" he stated loudly, and every eye in the room locked onto him. John plastered a smile on his face as he continued. "I'm not going to be up to doing my job for a while, and the Wraith aren't going to kick back and wait until I'm ready. Having Caldwell and the Daedalus works to our advantage and I'm glad for the help." He looked at Caldwell, having to work to keep his smile in place. "Consider this me handing over the keys to my office, sir."

"Thank you, Colonel," Caldwell replied, his tone grave. "I'll do my best to keep your seat warm until you're ready to take over again."

John nodded, then pushed to his feet. "If everyone will excuse me, I need to rest." Without another word he walked out and back to his room. When the door closed behind him, John raced for the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet in time to heave his guts out. When he finally stopped puking he just slumped against the wall, shaking. It wasn't until he heard a knock on his door that he rose to his feet, rinsed his mouth and called for them to enter.

Teyla stepped inside, her eyes dark with concern. "Are you all right?" she queried.

"I'm fine," John replied, hating the lie but knowing it was necessary. "Just a little tired. I was thinking, maybe you could teach me some of those stretching moves that you do. The ones to make you more flexible and give you endurance."

"You mean the ones I tried to teach you before and you said they were silly?" Teyla shot back, but there was a teasing glint in her eyes now instead of worry.

John had the grace to look sheepish. "Yeah, those are the ones. I know I can't get heavily physical for a while, but I'd like to be doing something to get my strength back."

Teyla nodded. "We can begin tomorrow if you're feeling up to it. I can come by for you before breakfast and we can eat a light meal then begin."

"Sounds like a plan." John smiled then hid a yawn. He really was tired now. 

"I'll leave you to rest," Teyla said, noting his actions. She nodded then glided out the door.

John sighed then moved to stretch out on the bed. In a heartbeat he was asleep.

OoO

The next ten days was filled with highs and lows. John enjoyed his workouts with Teyla and they energized him to some degree, spiking his appetite even, but his body was still rejecting his attempts to eat more filling and solid foods and in ten days he only gained one pound, which meant Beckett was not a happy camper.

John didn't tell him that he was puking still, on occasion. Usually at night after a bad dream. He had started dreaming mostly about Rodney dying in the cave. Ronon was talking to John and he was almost back to normal, accept for the cast on his leg. But Rodney was still avoiding John for the most part, and he wouldn't snipe at him the way he used too. John missed it, and McKay. But he still didn't want to push Rodney to talk to him. He knew everyone dealt with trauma in their own way and John respected that.

Another thing that bothered him was the fact that he knew Elizabeth hated Caldwell being here. They butted heads about pretty much everything. John felt guilty that he wasn't capable of helping her. That he couldn't handle his job, thus relieving her of some of the burden of running Atlantis. Caldwell just made things harder for her. John blamed himself for that, which fired up his determination to get better, faster. So he increased his daily meals from six to eight, sometimes having to will his stomach into behaving. Three days later he had gained half a pound.

That night he had one of the worst nightmares yet. It left him puking and shaking and feeling claustrophobic. After he finally stopped heaving, John brushed his teeth then left his room, heading for the nearest balcony. It was a warm enough night and not really all that late and he figured he'd just enjoy the fresh air and openess for a time before heading back to his room.

He didn't intend to fall asleep. He didn't mean to dream. But when the Wraith attacked him, John fought back. The enemy knew his name, taunting him with it, and John fought harder until others joined him. They pinned him down and suddenly there was a pinch of pain in his shoulder, the feeling of cool fire rippling through his veins. Then darkness.

OoO

Elizabeth felt sick to her stomach as she stared at Caldwell's face. He had a black eye and a swollen nose. Beckett said it was broken. John had done that to him when Caldwell had found him on the balcony, trapped in a nightmare. Only nothing had pulled John from his dream this time and he had fought like a wild animal until Beckett arrived and sedated him. She knew he was now ensconced in the infirmary, in a private area, in restraints. For his own good, Carson had told her.

Just ten minutes ago they had a received a message from SGC. Given the deterioration of Sheppard's condition, it was believed he would receive better care back on Earth. Elizabeth knew that meant putting him in some private facility with private doctors, under the pretence that he was still a free man but, in truth, they were going to lock him away for his own good. And there was nothing Elizabeth could do to stop them.

"We leave in two days," Caldwell stated. "Then I'll turn right around and come back to take Sheppard's place."

"Temporarily!" Elizabeth spit out. "When he's better, he's coming back here." That she would make sure off.

Caldwell said nothing, he simply rose from his chair and left the room.

Elizabeth fought the urge to cry.

**THE END...of part 16**


	17. Chapter 17

**Note:** Thank you for all the wonderful and sometimes funny reviews. This chapter might need a Kleenex alert for some of you. I know what you're thinking, but we can't help it, we really can't. It's a sickness and we've got it bad.

Silent Sacrifice – chapter 17

It seemed to take forever for him to wake up enough to start thinking coherently. His mind and body alike felt sluggish, the roll of nausea making him shift uncomfortably. He worked his eyes open against the goo that seemed to have welded them shut, only to discover he wasn't in his quarters. When he tried to sit up, he found he couldn't move his arms. Looking down as he pulled, he saw his wrists bound in restraints.

"What the . . . " He yanked again on the restraints, but they held solid. John closed his eyes and forced himself to remain calm. When he had successfully lowered his breathing back down to an acceptable level and his heart wasn't racing quite so madly in his chest, he opened his eyes and studied his surroundings. He was still in Atlantis, the room vaguely familiar. It finally hit him that it was one of the back rooms in the infirmary about the same time he realized that was dressed in scrubs. He had no idea why he was here, much less why he was restrained.

"Carson!" He watched the door, hoping someone would hear him. When no one came, he yelled again. He kept having to stop himself from pulling on the restraints. It was almost compulsive and he couldn't seem to resist doing it, no matter how hard he tried. "Carson, what's going on?"

The door finally opened and John shuddered with relief. Marcy smiled as she moved to his bedside. "Sorry, Colonel, I should have been listening and checking on you more often. Just lay back and take it easy, Dr. Beckett is on his way."

John tried to do as she said, or at least the laying back part. He tried to remain still as Marcy took his pulse, blood pressure, and temperature. By the time she had finished, Beckett came through the door. She handed him her results and then left as Beckett shook his head. "Blood pressure and pulse are high, but I guess that's to be expected."

John looked at Beckett, almost afraid to ask the question he knew he had to ask. "What did I do?"

Beckett frowned, looking confused. "What do you mean?"

John pulled his arms up and rattled the restraints. "I've obviously done something for you to have locked me away in the back room in restraints, but for the life of me, I can't remember what."

Beckett's eyes suddenly widened. "Oh, I forgot about those. Well, obviously you're lucid now and don't need them," he rattled as he removed the bindings from John's wrists. He watched as John nervously rubbed his reddened arms. Beckett started to take hold of one of John's arms to examine the abrasions, but the colonel flinched and pulled his arm back.

"It's fine, just a little red. Now what happened?"

Beckett sighed and pulled a chair up to the bed, sitting heavily in it. "What do you remember?"

John thought a minute before answering. "I think the last thing I remember was going onto a balcony for a little fresh air. Then . . . something about Wraith attacking?" He tried to remember details, but he just had a hazy impression of fighting the Wraith. John looked at Beckett and his stomach curled into an even tighter knot. Something had happened . . . something bad. "What did I do?"

Beckett rubbed his eyes and then leaned back in the chair. "Apparently you fell asleep on the balcony and got caught up in very vivid nightmare about the Wraith. Colonel Caldwell found you and tried to wake you."

John slowly let out the deep breath he had taken in and rubbed his forehead. He had a bad feeling about what was to come next.

"You punched Colonel Caldwell when he was trying to wake you. He finally called me and I had to sedate you to get you calm enough to move here. You were . . . very violent . . . and we couldn't get you to calm down or wake up. I'm sorry Colonel."

John felt as though someone had punched him. It was bad enough that Caldwell had seen him like that, but then he had to go and punch the man, his commanding officer. Can you say court martial? "How much damage did I do to Caldwell?"

"Black eye and a broken nose. He wasn't very happy."

John chuckled, but it sounded miserable. "Yeah, I bet. So, when do I get moved to the brig?" When Carson didn't answer, John felt his heart start double-timing. "Carson?"

Beckett looked at him for several seconds before averting his eyes to the floor. "Caldwell sent a report to the SGC. In light of your recent setback, they have decided . . . the SGC has decided that you could be treated more effectively on Earth. The Daedalus leaves for Earth tomorrow and you are to be on it."

John looked around for a moment, his heart racing in his throat so fast it almost made him dizzy. He hadn't expected that and was totally unprepared. "But that's not fair. I've been doing so well, lately, haven't I? I know it's been slow, but I've started putting weight back on. I've been eating and resting and everything I'm supposed to do. You said yourself the other day that I was finally starting to make progress. How can they send me back now?"

Beckett shook his head. "I know lad, I just finished saying almost the same thing to Elizabeth and Colonel Caldwell. You have been making a real effort to get better the last two weeks and it was beginning to show. Your stomach is certainly in much better shape. I don't understand it myself."

"It's Caldwell. He's either getting me back for punching him or making sure he gets control of Atlantis for good, or maybe both." John leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "I'm so screwed."

"Elizabeth and I are putting together a report of our own, showing how you were making progress . . . well, except for that one incident. We're going to try suggesting that you could see Heightmeyer right here in Atlantis and pointing out how valuable you have been. We'll do everything in our power to change their mind."

John kept his eyes closed. "You can try, Doc, but Caldwell's got a lot of pull and he's been watching for this opportunity for a while. I'm sure he's got a padded cell in a psych ward all line up for me. Hey, but if you get back to Earth sometime, maybe you could come visit me. I'll be the one shuffling around in my pajamas all drugged up and talking to imaginary Wraith."

Beckett was so taken aback for a moment, he didn't know what to say. "Colonel, you can't just give up."

When John looked up at Beckett, the doctor noticed that the light seemed to have gone out of his eyes. "You let me know what the SGC says to your report. While we're waiting, though, it seems I need to pack. Can I go?"

Beckett sighed and found himself wanting to hit a wall somewhere. "Yes, you can go. I guess I'll get your medical records ready . . . just in case. Can I get you something to eat before you go?"

John snorted. "Sedative, remember? You're lucky I haven't already puked all over your nice clean room."

Beckett shook his head. "Yes, I knew that. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I'm a bit rattled right now and not thinking straight."

"Yeah, I know how you feel," John said softly.

oOo

John pulled the last shirt from the drawer and stuffed it in his bag. His movements were slow, methodical, almost robot-like in manner. He was operating on autopilot, the depression and dread weighting him down to the point he almost couldn't think. He turned to close the drawer and saw a photo looking up at him. Picking it up, he closed the drawer and sat on the edge of the bed beside his open bag, staring down at the picture.

It had been taken shortly after they had returned from the far planet in the solar system, where he and Rodney had gone several rounds with what they had dubbed _super-Wraith_. John was sitting dressed in scrubs in an infirmary bed with Carson on one side and Rodney on the other. He kept the photo in his drawer because he thought he looked goofy. He had been spaced out on painkillers for his broken ribs and severely bruised hip, and between the dazed expression on his face and the scrubs, it was not one of his favorite pictures. Zelenka had insisted on taking it and had printed out one for each of them. The little Czech scientist had decided to photograph everyone before the Wraith arrived to help remember anyone who didn't make it (and that was assuming at least some of them would make it). Still, it was a good reminder of his two friends and how often they took care of him. He picked his book up off the small table near his bed and put the picture in it for safekeeping. At least _War and Peace_ would be useful for something besides pretending to read. He stuffed the book into his bag as someone knocked on the door.

John thought the door open, too tired and lethargic to get up. Caldwell stood in the doorway, causing John's stomach to clench and roll. He was almost happy to see the black eye and bruised, swollen nose. Almost. After all, that had probably been the deciding factor in having him hauled back to Earth. John stood, not out of respect, but because he didn't want Caldwell looking down at him.

"Come to gloat?" he asked curtly.

Caldwell stepped into the room and the door slid closed behind him. "No, I was just checking to be sure you understood that we leave for Earth tomorrow."

"I understand. Don't worry, I won't get you off schedule. Wouldn't want you to be late getting back to your new post. You won, okay? You got me kicked out and yourself installed as new military commander and you got to ruin what's left of my life in the process. I get it. You can leave now." John turned and walked over to the window, his fists clenched at his side.

Caldwell stood watching him for several seconds, making John nervous. "In spite of your complex that assumes I'm just after your post, this is being done for your own good."

"In that case, you should have just left me on that planet to die. I didn't fight to make it back and work like I have the last few weeks to get better, only to be dumped in a psyche ward on Earth. You know as well as I do that my career is over, and they can't just turn me loose because of what I know. I have no illusions about what's about to happen."

Caldwell's expression softened a little at Sheppard's suggestion that he should have been left on the planet. "You need help, Colonel, and that's the only reason I'm not charging you with assault. You weren't ready for this level of responsibility. You haven't earned it and you don't belong here."

John slowly turned around to glare incredulously at Caldwell. "I haven't earned it? I don't belong here? You can't seriously believe that." John began pacing, searching for an outlet for the rage within him that didn't involve hitting his C.O. His voice was calm and controlled when he responded. "I stepped through the gate with the original expedition, at a time when we had no idea if we could ever go home again or what we'd find here. I gave up everything I'd ever known to take a chance and come to the lost city of Atlantis." His eyes almost misted as he remembered that first trip through a wormhole and his first look at Atlantis.

"I watched the city light up as I walked through it, welcoming us, welcoming the ancestors of the original inhabitants. Where were you? I was here when we discovered the stuff of nightmares and lived through a few of them as well. Where were you when the Genii invaded the city and tried to take over? I could have used your help because I was the one sneaking around the city in a hurricane trying to take them out. Where were you when the nanovirus struck or when I took a nuclear weapon up to set off over Atlantis? Where were you when McKay and I were battling a super Wraith, trying to keep it from using our jumper to call his friends? I've been stunned, shot, starved, tortured, bitten by an iratus bug, almost turned into an iratus bug, and brought back from the dead. But you don't think I've earned the right to be here." Sheppard sighed in disgust as he stopped pacing.

"And you don't think I belong here." He turned the lights in his quarters on and then off again. "Can you think the lights on and off?" He opened the door and then closed it again. "Can you open the door with your thoughts? I can feel this city and the city feels me. I can operate things no one else can operate. I'm the only one who can run the weapons chair with any control or accuracy and now we even have drones to use. But I don't belong here? Why don't you ask Atlantis if I belong here? Oh, that's right, you can't. You don't have the Ancient gene, so you have no idea what it's like to actually _feel_ this city run."

John stood and glared at the man with contempt. He didn't try to hide the bitterness that engulfed him as he moved to stand purposefully in Caldwell's personal space. "It's just you and me here and we both know what's going on, so I don't know why you're playing these games. You can tell others and yourself that I'm sick if you want, but do not _ever_ say I haven't earned the right to be here or that I don't belong here again in my presence, or you'll see just how violent I can get. Trust me, you haven't seen anything yet, just ask the Genii."

John didn't wait on Caldwell to leave. He simply couldn't control it any longer. He went quickly to the bathroom, closed the door, and heaved until he was so weak he couldn't stand. He sat on the floor with his back against the wall and his legs pulled up to his chest. Leaning his head back against the wall, the full brunt of his frustration hit and he finally allowed the tears to stream down his face. Soldiers weren't supposed to cry, but he wouldn't be one for much longer. He figured he was allowed. Closing his eyes, he let his face fall forward until his forehead rested against his knees, trying not to think about what was to come.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, but at some point he was aware of someone sitting down beside him. Curiosity got the better of him and he twisted his head to see who it was.

"Doc, what are you doing here?"

Beckett looked at him, sadness in his eyes. "Caldwell said I might want to check on you."

John snorted as he returned his head to facing down and closed his eyes again. "I said my peace to the man and don't worry, the only thing that got violent was my stomach. I'm starting to wish I'd let go of the pack."

"What?" Beckett asked, confused.

"Nothing. Doesn't matter."

"How about if I help you get up and over to the bed?"

"No, I'm fine. I just want to sit here for a few minutes. You know, sulk, feel sorry for myself, that kind of thing."

Beckett stood up next to him. "Well, you can do all that sitting on your bed instead of on a cold, hard floor. Let's get you up."

John looked up at Beckett and realized the doctor wasn't going to give up. "Fine," he muttered, taking the offered hand. When he was standing, he leaned heavily against the wall, fighting off the dizziness and rushing in his ears. When the room settled, he allowed Beckett to lead him to the bed, where he sat down. He pulled his arm back when the doctor began taking his pulse. "I'm alive, Doc, you don't need to do that. Although there's not much point any more."

"Colonel, there is too a point and it's keeping you healthy."

John looked down at his open, packed bag. "You don't get it, do you? Why do I need to be healthy? They're sending me back and locking me up."

"You don't know that," said Beckett, his voice getting louder and angrier. He couldn't understand why Sheppard was giving up so easily after working so hard to get his health back.

"I've seen what they do when you're no longer useful to them." John got up and walked over the window, leaning against it for support when his legs felt shaky. "I've seen what they do," he repeated in a whisper.

Beckett came up behind him. He didn't say anything, but John knew he was waiting for an explanation. "My father used to have this friend in special ops. Real vibrant, alive, never sit still kind of guy. I always loved it when Uncle Tye visited. When I was in junior high school, dad told me he had some kind of breakdown, but the Army was taking care of him. We finally went to see him when I was in high school." He turned around to face Beckett. "Do you remember what I told you to look for if you came to visit me on Earth? Shuffling around in pajamas, drugged to the gills, and talking to imaginary people? That was Uncle Tye, that's what they reduced him to."

Beckett sighed and looked at the floor. "Look, Colonel, I don't know what happened to your father's friend, or if he received proper care or not, but there's no guarantee that's what will happen to you."

Sheppard narrowed his eyes as he studied the doctor's expression. "Do you think I'm crazy?"

Beckett shook his head emphatically. "No, not in any way, form, or fashion."

John had to smile at the confidence the doctor had in his answer. "Tougher question, Doc. Do you think I need help? Do you think I need to go back to Earth?"

Beckett looked straight at Sheppard. "I do not think you need to be back on Earth, but I do think you could use some help. It's not normal to have nightmares as often or as realistically as you do. And it certainly isn't normal to be that violent and so deeply into it that you cannot be awakened. I think it is at least partly due to your weak physical condition and to the trauma you suffered while stranded on that planet. You were under a lot of stress, trying to keep you and the other two alive all by yourself . . . all while hiding your own injuries and discomfort. But I think at least part of it runs deeper than that. I do believe that you would be better served, physically as well as mentally, by staying on Atlantis. And I will argue that point with anyone that cares to listen."

John smiled wryly. "Thanks for the honesty, Carson."

Beckett nodded, unable to bring the smile. "You're welcome, Colonel. I just wish I could do more."

"You've done everything you can, and I thank you for that. I think I'm going to take a little walk. I have a city to say good-bye to."

"Mind if I walk a minute with you?"

John shrugged his shoulders. "Suit yourself." The two men walked amicably out the door and down the corridor.

oOo

John spent the next few hours slowly walking the halls and outdoor walkways of Atlantis. He took his time and stopped to rest when he was tired. Sometimes he just leaned his hand against the wall and listened, feeling the hum of the city beneath his fingers. It almost felt like electricity flowing down his arm and into his chest. "I'm going to miss you," he whispered and, in a way, it felt like she answered.

The light slipped out of one of the labs and across the darkened hallway, keying John in to exactly where he had wandered. He stopped in the doorway to watch, the muttered complaints from inside the room making him smile. The smile faltered a little when Rodney turned and he saw the pained expression on the man's face as he pulled at the brace around his torso.

"What are you looking at?" came the sharp question, followed quickly by a scowl.

John just continued to smile. "A friend I'm really going to miss."

Rodney's expression softened, the frown dissolving as he studied Sheppard. "Yeah, me too."

After an uncomfortable silence during which neither knew what to say, John finally recovered. "Are you supposed to be working this late?"

Rodney snorted and eased himself down on his stool. "No, probably not. Are you supposed to be roaming the halls this late?"

"No, probably not. What's Beckett going to do, ground me?"

Another pesky bout of awkward silence ensued. "So . . . you want to help me try out this new Ancient thing Zelenka found?"

John stepped forward. "Sure, why not? It's probably the last Ancient thing I'll ever lay my hands on." For once, he thought, I actually wish this thing would zap me and somehow get me out of going back to Earth. He sat down on the stool beside Rodney and looked down at the device. "What do you want me to do?"

When John finally looked at his watch several hours later, it was 0200. He was so wound up that he hadn't noticed it was that late. "Rodney, we'd better knock off and let you get some rest." He was just letting himself notice the deepening lines of pain around Rodney's eyes and mouth.

"What? No, it's too early to quit . . . unless you're tired." Rodney looked at him expectantly.

"Yeah, actually I am," he lied. "Big day tomorrow and everything. I wouldn't want to oversleep and make Caldwell even madder."

"Oh, right. Well, I'll see you . . . er, no, I won't see you." Under other circumstances, it might have been funny to watch Rodney struggle for words. As it was, it just made John feel sick.

"Rodney . . . I just wanted to say it's been a pleasure working with you and thank you for all the times you stepped up to save my butt. I'll miss you . . . and who'll finish my meals for me or ramble until my ears just about fall off?"

Rodney tried his best to smirk, but it came out looking more like he had a bad case of indigestion. "Yeah, well, thanks for letting me be on your team. I can honestly say I've learned a lot from you . . . stuff about using guns and hiding from the enemy that I never even thought I wanted to know. I guess I'll have to step up and be the one who attracts all the Ancient women and alien princesses now." He frowned at Sheppard. "How do you do that thing with your hair?"

"Not going to happen, McKay."

Rodney just nodded, as if he expected it. "Yeah, I know."

They stood looking at one another for several seconds. John finally put his hand out. Rodney looked at it oddly and then slowly took it, shaking the hand of a man he had come to deeply respect. He would never in a million years have imagined he would grow to like and respect a career flyboy as much as he had Sheppard. And now he was probably seeing him for the last time.

"Sheppard . . . I don't think I ever thanked you for keeping us alive on that planet. I have no doubt we would have died if it weren't for you."

"I'm just glad I was there."

"Yeah . . . me too. Well, I mean I'm not glad that you were there hurting and starving and driving yourself to exhaustion, I mean I'm glad – "

"It's okay, Rodney. I know what you mean."

"Oh . . . okay . . . Colonel . . . I don't think I can come in the morning. I never was good at the whole good-bye thing." He felt guilty telling this man who had saved his life countless times that he couldn't bring himself to watch him leave, to know that he would probably never come back to the place he'd come to call home.

"It's okay, I understand. I don't think I'll be in all that great a shape myself by then. It's probably just as well."

Rodney nodded. "Do you regret coming?"

John shook his head. "Never. I wouldn't change that, even if I could. I just regret the way I'm leaving. If I had to leave, I'd rather go out fighting the Wraith or the Genii or fighting for my team. This . . . is just humiliating."

"No, it's not, because everyone on this base knows how important you are to the city, to the expedition, and to the people here. Caldwell may get your assignment, but he'll never take your place."

John smiled sheepishly. "I thought you didn't go in for sentimental."

"I don't. I'm just stating the facts, the pure scientific facts." Rodney crossed his arms defiantly, challenging John to dispute him.

John just smiled at the scientist, his throat constricting as his chest tightened. "Thanks, McKay," he whispered. He turned and quickly left before he lost it completely.

John made his way to the balcony near his room. He breathed in the cool night air, trying to let it calm his nerves. He knew there would be no sleep tonight, but he wasn't concerned. He'd have plenty of time to sleep once he boarded the Daedalus. He figured that would be just about all he'd be allowed to do. Caldwell had never told him if he would be making the trip in the brig, the infirmary, or private quarters. He was probably better off not knowing until the last minute, because he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

John gazed up at the moon and the stars, trying to burn the patterns into his head since it would be his last look at this particular nighttime sky. He had sought comfort and solace on this balcony many times over the past two years. He'd faced a few demons and made some important decisions out here. It had been his private sanctuary and it had also ended his career. If only Caldwell had left him alone that night.

No, he had to quit blaming Caldwell. He knew the nightmare problem had begun long ago and he also knew he should have sought help before now. Granted, the ordeal on the planet had intensified the problem, but if he'd gone to Heightmeyer like Beckett had suggested long ago, he might not be in this mess. He figured it was time to step up and take responsibility for his actions . . . or in this case, his inaction. He had no one to blame but himself and it was time to face it. He turned around and went to his room.

John checked his bag to make sure he had everything and then looked around his room. When he was sure everything was packed, he sat down at his desk. He prepared an email to Elizabeth to be read to his teammates and friends after he was gone, apologizing for not getting help when he needed it and letting things get so far out of hand. He thanked everyone for everything they had done and been to him while he was in Atlantis and wished them all well, ending with how much he would miss them. Sitting at his desk for the last time, he stared at it until he knew it was time to head for the Daedalus. Hitting send, he shut the computer down.

John Sheppard picked up his bag and took one last look around his room. "Good-bye Atlantis. Take care of them for me." He walked out, thinking the door shut behind him. He realized he would have to get reacquainted with doorknobs when he got back to Earth or he'd be smacking into doors all the time. He already missed Atlantis.

TBC


	18. Chapter 18

**Note:** You guys are so awesome that _I_ needed a Kleenex. Well, here's your answer to does he or doesn't he go back.

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 18

Elizabeth shifted nervously from foot to foot, alternately rubbing her upper arms with her hands and then dropping them by her side. She hadn't eaten breakfast, or even had so much as a cup of coffee. The knot in her stomach wouldn't allow for either one. Her bottom lip began to quiver when she saw John come through the door to the pier, carrying his bag as he moved slowly toward them.

"I don't think I can do this," she said softly to Carson, standing beside her.

"We have to, lass, for him. He deserves that much from us." He took her hand and squeezed briefly, trying to pass on courage that he didn't feel.

Elizabeth nodded and wiped her eyes, trying to rid her face of tears before he was close enough to see. She took a deep breath as he came up to stand in front of her and set his bag on the ground. His movements were sluggish and he absently rubbed his stomach as a grimace briefly crossed his face.

"Hey, guys," he said with feigned lightness.

"John," Elizabeth stammered. "We, uh, heard from the SGC this morning and . . . they turned down our request. They want you back for a full physical and psychological evaluation and possible treatment."

John just nodded calmly. "I expected as much, but thanks for trying. I guess this is it then. In spite of everything, I'm glad I came to Atlantis. Thank you for giving me that chance and for trusting me the last two years. This is by far the best assignment I've ever had and . . . I'll miss you."

Elizabeth gave up wiping her eyes and let the tears track down her face as she looked into John's eyes, trying to memorize his face. "I'll miss you to," she whispered, barely able to control her voice. She wanted to say so much more, but she knew if she opened her mouth to try, she'd just cry harder. So she stepped forward and hugged John, burying her face in his chest and not caring what he or anyone else thought. One of the best people she'd ever met was being railroaded out of the position he deserved and she needed him to occupy. She was almost surprised when she felt his strong arms wrap around her and draw her close, comforting her with his solid stance. She could feel his sternum and ribs through his clothes, reminding her of how painfully thin he still was. Feeling awkward after a moment, she let go and stepped back, wiping the last of the moisture from her face.

John moved over to Carson, unable to say anything else to Elizabeth without losing his composure. He held out his hand and the doctor took it, shaking it enthusiastically. "Doc . . . Carson, I owe you and Nick big time putting me back together and bringing me back from the brink of death so many times. And I'm sorry for my tendency to be a lousy patient. You guys are the best and I'm glad Atlantis has you both."

Carson nodded. "We'll miss you, son. I'm not sure what we'll do for a challenge now, it'll probably be rather boring."

"Nah, Rodney can keep you going."

"Aye, he can. I'm not sure why he's not here to see you off. I rather thought he would be."

John smiled a little. "It's okay. Rodney and I said our good-byes last night. We thought that might be best for both of us."

Carson nodded in silent agreement. He knew the two had become good friends and Sheppard's departure was probably harder on him than anyone.

John moved over a step to shake Nick's hand. "Take care of Kelly. She's good for you."

"Yeah, I know. I'll never be able to thank you enough for giving me the nudge I needed to ask her out."

"You'd have done it eventually on your own, I just goosed you a bit."

Nick grinned. "Well, thanks anyway." His expression sobered. "You take care of yourself. Don't let them push you around too much."

"I'll try not to," he said, realizing they both knew his hands were tied on the matter.

John looked over at Teyla, her face as somber as he'd ever seen it. He gently wiped a tear that ran down her cheek. "I'll be okay, Teyla. Take care of Rodney and Ronon for me. You know they need a keeper as well as peacemaker, and you're good at both. You're probably the only one that can handle the two of them."

Teyla nodded. "I will make sure they both behave until you are able to return."

John pushed her hair back over her shoulder. "Teyla, I'll do what I can, but I've got to be honest with you. I don't have friends on Earth, at least not high enough to do any good. The powers that be pretty much think I'm a screw-up, hence Caldwell's little change of assignment. Chances are slim to none that I ever set foot in Atlantis again. You guys will be okay without me, though. You're a heck of a team."

Teyla swallowed hard, trying to remain strong for the one who had been strong for her on so many occasions. The thought of not seeing him again made her shudder with grief. She did the only thing she could at this point in time. She leaned her head forward in the Athosian way and John touched his forehead to hers.

John moved on to Ronon, who was trying to keep most of his weight on his good leg. "Beckett tells me your leg is coming along nicely and you'll be out of the cast soon. Just hang in there and do what he says and you'll be back on your feet in no time."

Ronon grunted and then looked up to meet Sheppard's gaze. "You're a good leader, Sheppard. I appreciate everything you've done for me."

John nodded. "Likewise. You're staying in Atlantis aren't you?"

Ronon looked at the ground. "Not sure. I'll stay til Caldwell gets back and then decide. I don't think he trusts me, not like you do. He may not want me on a team."

John nodded, knowing what Ronon said was true. Caldwell didn't trust anyone that wasn't die-hard American military, and sometimes not even then. "Either way, take care of yourself. I'm glad I got the chance to meet you and get to know you. You've taught me a lot . . . not that I'll ever get the chance to use any of it again, but it was fun while it lasted." He gave one last grin. "Bye Chewie."

oOo

Caldwell sipped his coffee as he stared at the last page of the report. "I really hate you, Sheppard," he muttered. He hadn't been able to get Sheppard's words out of his head, much less the demonstration he had provided. Unable to sleep, Caldwell got up in the wee hours of the morning and began reading reports submitted on some of the events Sheppard had mentioned. Even though they were different events, they all had a few things in common. Sheppard's reports were clear, succinct, and usually praised other military personnel and scientists involved in the incident. Reports from other people involved usually described Sheppard not hesitating to put his life on the line to protect or save others he was responsible for. Injuries that Sheppard's reports barely mentioned, as if they were unimportant, Beckett reports tended to indicate were quite severe. He had to admit, the man had been through a lot.

Which brought him to his current dilemma and the reason he hated Sheppard. He had been so proud to have finally found a way to get Sheppard out and himself appointed as military commander of Atlantis, only to have the pilot ruin it. He couldn't shake the feeling that Sheppard had been right; he had earned the right to command Atlantis and he really did belong here. He belonged here in a way that Caldwell never would, and that infuriated the colonel. He wanted this command so badly he could taste it, and yet he couldn't stop himself from thinking about the fact that he didn't come by it fairly. He had pulled strings and exaggerated Sheppard's condition and it was starting to eat away at him.

"Colonel?"

Caldwell looked up from the computer screen at the lieutenant leaning in his door. "Yes?"

"Sir, Colonel Sheppard is below with some of the Atlantis staff. I think they're saying their good-byes."

Caldwell nodded. "Okay, thanks." Caldwell shut down the computer and went to greet Sheppard. He had made his bed and now he'd just have to lie in it. He hoped the overwhelming feeling of guilt was not a sign of things to come.

John looked up from his friends to see Caldwell coming down the ramp to meet him. He unconsciously put his hand to his stomach, nausea and pain rolling through his midsection. "Colonel Sheppard reporting to the Daedalus as ordered, sir." He held his head high, refusing to let Caldwell see how much this was tearing him up inside.

Caldwell nodded. "You're right on time, Colonel, I appreciate that."

"I told you I wouldn't make you late, _sir_. Where would you like me to stow my gear?"

Caldwell motioned to one of the men behind him. "Lt. Watson will take your bag and put it in one of our extra rooms. Dr. Bernard wants you to report to infirmary for a while, but when he's satisfied I'm sure you can stay in the extra quarters. It should just be a day or two."

Sheppard looked disappointed. "Sir, Dr. Beckett brought my medical files and I just got out of the infirmary yesterday."

"I know, Colonel, but you know how protective doctors can be. He just wants a look at you himself and maybe a few tests."

John looked down, beginning to give up any pretense that he was anything but miserable. "Yes, sir." He resisted the urge to double over in pain or puke on Caldwell's shoes. He would not leave Atlantis like that. He knew the strain of the last twenty four hours along with the lack of sleep and food was beginning to take its toll, but he just didn't care. He would stay on his feet until the Daedalus left Atlantis, and then he hoped he passed out for a couple of days.

A muffled explosion shook the pier and they all looked up to see smoke billowing out of a section of the city. John looked at Elizabeth as she hit her radio.

"This is Dr. Weir, what was that?"

They all stared expectantly at the expedition leader as she listened. "Was anyone in that part of the city?" She paused again, her eyes wide as she continued to listen. "All right, send a rescue team down there to assess the situation and I'll advise the people with me."

Elizabeth looked at the circle of people around her. "A drone was accidentally fired somehow and hit an area of the city we are just now trying to open. They think Rodney and Radek had gone there to look at one of the labs, but no one's sure exactly where they are. A rescue team is on the way and the control room is trying to raise them on the radio."

"We'd better go ready the infirmary for injured," said Beckett. "Elizabeth, let us know as soon as you know anything." She nodded as Carson and Nick ran for the pier door.

"Where are they?" asked John.

Elizabeth shook her head. "We'll take care of it, John. You're not in any shape to help."

John took a step closer and held eye contact with her, his gaze never wavering. "It's Rodney, I can't just do nothing. Now where is he?"

Her eyes flickered over to Caldwell, not wanting to get John into any more trouble. He gave an almost unperceivable nod, causing her to smile at him. She looked back to John. "They're in section G level 6."

"Thanks," John said hurriedly as he turned. "Teyla? Colonel, I have to – "

"I know, colonel, but I'm coming with you." He turned to the lieutenant with John's bag. "Let the bridge know we'll be delayed and why. Have a rescue team on standby in case they need help."

When the group reached the door to the interior of Atlantis, Elizabeth turned to Ronon. "Ronon, I don't think you'd better come. We don't know how secure the area is after the explosion and we may have to move quickly."

Ronon just grunted. "I'll stay out of the way, but I'm coming."

They all made their way to the damaged area of the city within fifteen minutes. A rescue team was already there with an engineer, surveying the damage. They approached slowly and carefully, noting that the far end of the hall had dangling wires and metal pieces from the ceiling along with dented doors and walls. The last door couldn't be seen because of the ceiling and wall collapse around it.

"What have we got?" Elizabeth asked as soon as they had arrived.

Lorne finished instructing the engineer he'd been talking to and turned to face the cluster of new arrivals. He seemed surprised to see Sheppard and Caldwell. "As near as we can tell, the drone hit the room at the end of the hall," he said, pointing to the demolished doorway. "We think Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka were in the lab next door, although we haven't heard from them. The door seems to be blocked and Dr. Marishka was just trying to determine if it was safe to bust the door down to get to them."

"Have you tried just yelling through the walls?" asked Sheppard.

"Yeah, we did that once or twice, but we can't hear anything."

"Why do you believe Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka are in there?" asked Teyla.

"Two of the scientists were with them when they checked it out the other day and they thought they heard them say there were heading over to see how close it was to setting up this morning. They both had their radios as far as anyone knows, but they could have lost them in the explosion or they could be unconscious," reported Lorne. No one verbally acknowledged the other possibility.

Elizabeth looked up at John to see him frowning as he stared off into space. "John, are you okay?" When she didn't get a response, she touched him on the arm. "John?"

John looked at her and snapped his fingers. "The Ancient gizmo Rodney and I were working with last night. I think it can help us determine if we can get through the door or not. I"ll grab it and be right back."

Elizabeth grabbed his arm. "John, you don't need to be exerting yourself like that. I'll send someone after it."

John just snorted. "I won't break, Elizabeth. I don't know exactly what Rodney did with it, but I'll recognize it if I see it, so I'll have to go. I'll be fine, Elizabeth, just worry about Rodney." John took off down the hall.

"I'll go with him," said Caldwell, taking off after him. Caldwell was surprised when John ran all the way to the nearest transporter and then from the transporter to the lab. He rummaged through the lab tables and some shelves before finding the article he was looking for. Caldwell followed him back to the transporter and found himself beginning to be winded. He had a hard time believing Sheppard was keeping up the fast pace in his condition.

When they returned to the damaged corridor, John went immediately to Elizabeth. "Do we know any more?"

"No, Dr. Marishka is still trying to figure out a safe entry point."

John nodded and went to the door of the room they suspected contained the two missing scientists. "Dr. Marishka, could you come here please?"

The short scientist complied, walking over to stand beside Sheppard. Caldwell and Elizabeth stood behind him watching. Sheppard held out a device that looked similar to TV remote control. He pointed it at the door, a look of concentration on his face, and it began to light up and hum. A second later, a holographic screen popped up in front of them.

"Oh my, Colonel Sheppard, this is just what I need." The engineer examined the screen, muttering to himself for what seemed like several minutes. "All right, colonel, I have seen enough."

Sheppard shut the device off and stared hopefully at Dr. Marishka. "Well?"

The engineer shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but there has been a major collapse of debris against the door and this wall. We will not be getting into the room this way."

They all stood in silence, trying to think of another alternative. Sheppard looked up suddenly. "Dr. Marishka, could you tell if the drone left a hole in the outside wall?"

"Oh, yes, it most definitely did. But we are on the sixth level so they cannot possibly climb out, especially if they are injured."

"I can get them with a jumper," offered John.

"How can you do that? You can't possibly land in there," said Elizabeth.

John smiled knowingly. "I don't have to land. I'll back up to the hole, lower the hatch, and we'll take them on that way. If they're injured, someone will have to get off the ship and help them."

"John . . . I don't know."

"Elizabeth, I can do this. We need to get them out of there and fast. We don't know how badly they're injured or how long before the whole thing comes down on top of them."

"Dr. Weir, if I may," interjected Lorne. "Colonel Sheppard is our best pilot and he has the most control of the ATA gene. I know that anyone with the gene can fly the jumpers, but they don't respond to anyone else like they respond to Sheppard. The Colonel is probably the _only_ one who can do this."

John's expression sobered. "I'll be fine. It's just sitting down and flying a jumper."

Elizabeth nodded. "All right, you have a go. Get our people out of there."

John smiled briefly. "On my way. Have Beckett meet us in the jumper bay in case they're seriously injured. Lorne, you and Teyla are with me and you might want to bring a couple of extra hands in case you have to go in after them."

"Mind if I come?" asked Caldwell.

John eyed him, not sure of why he would want to go on such a rescue mission. He finally just shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever you want." John turned back to Elizabeth. "We'll bring them back."

Elizabeth smiled. "I know you will."

oOo

John immediately spotted the large hole in the wall of the city. Backing up to the opening proved a little trickier than he would have liked. The damage was almost between where two towers came together and the opening he had to maneuver through was narrow at best. When he had the jumper in position, they opened the back hatch. John held the jumper as still as he could while Teyla and Lorne surveyed the damage.

"No sign of them, sir, we'll have to go in," reported Lorne.

"Okay, you and Teyla go and have the others wait at the hatch to help you back in. I"ll try to hold it steady."

Teyla and Major Lorne leaped the eighteen inches from the rear hatch to the floor of the damaged room. The opening was next to the wall between the rooms, leaving a pile of loose rubble at the junction. Lorne spotted a small opening about four feet up and pointed to it.

"Look, I think if we dig through this stuff, we can get through to the other lab."

Teyla nodded and began pulling the chunks of debris out of the opening as Lorne worked from the other side. "Dr. McKay," she called out as she worked. "Dr. McKay! It is Teyla!"

"Shh," said Lorne as he stopped working. "I think I hear something."

oOo

Caldwell watched Sheppard as he worked to maintain his concentration and hold the ship relatively still. Tiny beads of sweat had begun to appear across his forehead and his expression was becoming more strained.

"Colonel, let me know if you see them or if I need to adjust the jumper's position." The adrenalin surge from earlier was beginning to wear thin and John's hands were beginning to tremble. He focused all his energy on keeping the ship level and as still as possible in the narrow opening.

"I will. Sheppard . . . are you going to make it?" Caldwell could tell the man was exhausted and pushing himself to the limits.

"I'll make it, you just keep watching the back." The tone of voice let Caldwell know that Sheppard wouldn't be giving up and he realized he was seeing exactly what he'd spent the last few hours reading about in the reports. Sheppard didn't quit until his people were safe. It suddenly occurred to him that this was the reason he and his team had survived stranded on that planet and this was also the reason he was in such poor condition. He'd driven himself into the ground caring for his teammates and Caldwell had used that against him to get his job. Maybe he really was as big a jerk as most of Atlantis thought he was.

"Sir, it's Major Lorne on the radio," the young soldier said from the back of the jumper. "He says they hear Dr. McKay."

oOo

Teyla looked through the opening they had created to see McKay and Zelenka sitting against the far wall. They were both covered with a layer of dust so that it was hard to tell if they were injured.

"Hang on Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka, we are coming to get you."

"It's about time," said McKay. "We could have died in here by now."

Zelenka seemed to be cradling his left arm protectively, but smacked McKay in the leg with his right hand. "Be quiet. With you here, we are lucky they come at all."

Teyla and Lorne grinned at each other, taking the snark as a sign that neither man was injured badly. It only took them another minute to finish opening the hole enough that they could get through. They went to the scientists, Teyla to McKay's side and Lorne to Zelenka.

"How badly are you injured?" asked Teyla.

McKay motioned to Zelenka. "Radek broke his arm and we were both unconscious for a while. Other than that, it mostly seems to be the standard cuts and bruises that go along with being blown up."

"We're going to help you up and Colonel Sheppard has a jumper waiting," said Lorne, reaching down to take Zelenka by his good arm.

McKay's eyes widened as he looked up at Teyla. "Sheppard? I thought he was gone."

"Colonel Caldwell delayed their departure until they knew you and Dr. Zelenka were okay. When they were unable to get to you from inside, the Colonel suggested we use the jumper to reach you. Dr. Beckett is in the jumper as well."

When they reached the hole in the rubble, Lorne went through first, then helped McKay and Zelenka. Teyla brought up the rear. Taking the two scientists by the arm, they led them to the jumper.

"This is Lorne, we have them and are approaching the jumper now."

It only took a couple of minutes for the men to board, aided by the soldiers and medical personnel on board the ship. Beckett helped get the two men settled on the benches in the back.

Caldwell watched until everyone was aboard. "Okay, Colonel, we're all clear."

John raised the hatch and headed for the jumper bay as Caldwell radioed Elizabeth to let her know they had been successful. He was pretty sure he heard cheers in the background.

oOo

John shifted uncomfortably in the chair as he waited with Elizabeth, Caldwell, Lorne, Teyla, and Ronon for word about the condition of their friends. His head was throbbing and his stomach aching and he was tired enough to almost drop off right here. The adrenalin rush and the energy it provided were long gone and he really just wanted to lie down somewhere. He pressed his hand into his stomach as he bent forward slightly, trying to relieve the pain. He stopped and straightened back up when he noticed Caldwell watching him.

Elizabeth reached over and nudged him. "John, it's Nick."

As they all stood, Elizabeth and Caldwell both reached out to steady John when he swayed. "Sorry, stood up too fast," he mumbled.

They all gathered around Nick. "Carson is still getting them settled, but they'll both be fine. Dr. Zelenka broke his left arm and that's being set now. It was a clean break, so it shouldn't cause any problems. They both have concussions and so will be held overnight for observation, but we expect to release them tomorrow. Other than that, it's mostly cuts and scrapes and bruises. Dr. McKay's back is bothering him, but in all honesty, I think his brace helped protect him from further injury. We had to put stitches in a cut on his right shoulder, but it wasn't too severe. I think Carson's got him kind of juiced up right now."

Elizabeth couldn't help but smile. "That was probably a wise move."

Nick nodded and grinned. "I thought so too."

John let a small groan slip out and then bent over slightly, his hand on his stomach. Nick immediately pushed him back a couple of steps until he was able to sit down in a chair. He leaned forward, his forearms on his knees as he tried to breathe through the cramps rolling through his gut.

"John, tell me what's going on," said Nick quietly.

It was several seconds before the pain eased enough for the pilot to respond. "It's okay now . . . just a little stomach ache."

"When was the last time you ate?"

John looked at Nick and decided since he'd be on the Daedalus within the hour, he might as well be honest. "Night before last?"

Nick shook his head. "That's the kind of thing that will take your recovery backwards. You can't skip eating like that, you barely have any stomach lining left to keep the acid at bay."

John smiled bitterly. "It doesn't matter, remember? I'm about to spend the next couple of days in the Daedalus's infirmary regardless, so don't worry about it."

"How much sleep did you get last night?"

John looked at Nick but instead of answering, he just shook his head.

Caldwell suddenly looked over at Nick, hoping he didn't regret his next move. "Dr. Strauhan, it appears to me that the stress of packing and then rescuing Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka has caused a pretty serious relapse. Maybe you should admit him."

If he hadn't been a little depressed at what he was doing, Caldwell might have laughed at the wide eyes and open mouths on the people around him. "Why don't you examine Colonel Sheppard and let me know about his condition. If he's too weak and sick to make the trip back to Earth at this time, we'll have to go without him. I'm sure I'll need to make a full report to the SGC about how the colonel overcame his illness in order to save the lives of two scientists that are very important to the success of this expedition."

Nick was finally recovering enough from his shock to begin playing along. "That's a good idea, Colonel Caldwell. I'd say his condition has definitely deteriorated the last few hours. Colonel Sheppard, we need to get you in some scrubs and run some tests." Nick took John's arm and helped him stand back up.

John had to wait a few seconds before the dizziness passed, but then he turned back to Caldwell. "Why?"

Caldwell looked at him with a mixture of respect and resentment. "Because you were right, Sheppard, you _have_ earned the right to lead the military people of this city. I've earned the right for this type of assignment, but you've paid your dues to this city and these people. And because you do belong here in a way I never will, and I don't just mean with the city." Caldwell's expression hardened a little. "But I want you to understand one thing, Colonel. I'll still be watching you. When you screw up and make a serious mistake, I'll be here to take over and I won't have any regrets doing it then. But you at least deserve for me to wait until you actually mess up. I'm just having a hard time justifying taking your job from you because you almost worked and starved yourself to death trying to keep your team alive to be rescued."

John was so shocked, he didn't know what to say. He was also dizzy and beginning to feel like he might pass out any minute. He held his hand out, unsure of what Caldwell would do, but the man took it and shook his hand firmly. "Thanks," John said softly, his voice almost breaking.

Caldwell just nodded as he looked over to Nick. "I'm going to ready the Daedalus for departure. Let me know before we leave of the colonel's status so I can report it to the SGC." He nodded to Elizabeth. "Dr. Weir. Colonel, I hope you've made progress by the time I get back. I'll see you in a few weeks." Caldwell turned and left, leaving everyone still in a bit of shock.

Elizabeth turned and, without warning, hugged John. She pulled back and looked up at his still shocked face. "We've got to buckle down and make you better the next few weeks. We have until he gets back to make this work."

As soon as Elizabeth let go and began moving, Teyla was there squeezing his arm. "We are glad you are staying, John."

John ran his hand through his hair. "It isn't a done deal yet, I've just got an extension. Elizabeth's right, I've got some work to do the next few weeks." John turned to Nick. "I never thought I'd say this, but I think I'm going to need to talk to Kate."

Nick took John's arm. "We can schedule that later. Right now, we really do need to get you into some scrubs and examined. Then there's a little matter of no sleep and no food that we need to take care of." Nick led John into the main part of the infirmary, leaving a bunch of smiling faces in the waiting area.

TBC


	19. Chapter 19

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 19**

By the time he was in scrubs and settled into bed, John knew he was in for a rough night. He lost the battle of keeping down the bile that was pooling in his throat and vomiting not only made his head throb, it made his gut twist into knots of pain. He was dimly aware of Nick's voice talking to him, but it sounded like gibberish. Then there was a pinch in his shoulder, then another in the back of one hand. Cool wetness smoothing over his face, and more voices that John recognized but didn't have the energy to respond too. Then he found himself drifting into warm darkness.

When he came awake it was to a gag reflex, but there was nothing in his stomach to bring up. Still, gagging and coughing made John's head ache and when Carson's familiar voice asked him to open his eyes, John had to pretty much will them open. "Hey, Doc," he croaked.

"How are you feeling, Colonel?" Carson queried, but it was plain by the look on his face that he already knew what the answer would be.

"Been better," John admitted, not wanting to disappoint the man. "How's Rodney and Zelenka?" He winced at how rough his voice sounded in his ears.

Carson was reaching for a cup of ice. He pushed one into John's mouth before reply. "They're both doing well. Wish I could say the same for you."

John couldn't have agreed more, he just didn't have the strength to say it. Instead he enjoyed the cool wetness of the ice chip melting down his throat, then he drifted off into darkness once more. But he faded in and out of awareness this time and the pain in his head and gut made it impossible to actually sleep. So after a time John gave up, shifting on the bed with the need to pee. He didn't have a catheter in yet, which he took as a good sign, so he was damned well going to make it to the bathroom under his own steam. "Doc!" he called out.

"Colonel!" Carson was by his side immediately. "What can I do for you? Are you in pain?"

"Need to pee," John replied.

Carson nodded. "I'll get a urinal."

John grabbed at his sleeve, pulling Carson back. "I want to use the bathroom." He locked eyes with Beckett, letting him see how important this was. He'd lost a lot of ground and he knew it, but he'd also gotten a reprieve, but it was a tentative one and John wasn't going to risk messing up what he knew would be his last chance.

A long moment passed as Carson considered, then he was nodding. "All right, but I'm getting a wheel chair." He shook a finger in John's face. "And no arguments from you or I'll put in a catheter."

"No arguments," John allowed. Only because he was pretty sure his legs wouldn't hold him right now. So he waited for Carson to arrive with the chair, then he let the good Doc help him to his feet. What sucked was the fact that John could barely balance his own weight and Beckett pretty much lifted him before setting him into the chair. It bothered him that Beckett could maneuver him about with such ease. John had a good four inches on him, but Beckett manhandled him about like he was a child. As he was wheeled across the room to the bathroom in the back, determination welled up inside of him. He was going to get better.

After taking care of business, which entailed Beckett pretty much supporting him, John was wheeled back to bed. Once he was settled in he looked at the Doc and said, "I'd like some broth."

Carson looked surprised. "Are you sure, lad?" He sounded hopeful though, when he asked.

"I'm sure," John said firmly. "I'm hungry." It was only a bit of a lie. He didn't want to eat but he knew the hollow feeling inside him was the hunger he had learned to ignore. Ignore to his detriment. It was a hurdle he was bound and determined to overcome. He just had to remind himself to be patient and take baby steps.

"All right then," Carson replied. "I'll send for the soup and if that stays down maybe we can try my goop."

John nodded, trying to ignore the way his stomach did flip flops at the thought of the fatty, gelatinous, vile-tasting concoction. But it had helped him before and he knew it was the one thing that was going to help him now. "Bring it on," he managed to blurt out, resisting the urge to clap a hand over his mouth.

Carson patted his shoulder. "We'll get you through the rough spots, Colonel," he promised, no doubt knowing exactly how John was feeling right now. "One day at a time."

"Sounds like a plan." John managed a weak smile. "I'll just take a little nap until the broth gets here." Even as he spoke he let his eyes drift closed and he didn't even feel himself drift off to sleep.

OoO

"How is John doing?" Elizabeth asked Carson, later that day.

"Better than I expected," Carson replied, looking relieved. "He was able to keep down a full cup of broth. Not all at once, but throughout the course of the day. And he managed a few swallows of my goop."

Elizabeth made a face. She had seen the goop and the smell alone turned her stomach. "Can we help him so Caldwell can't send him away again?"

Carson looked grave as he nodded. "I think we can," he allowed. "The Colonel has asked to talk to Kate, and I've set up a session for tomorrow. That's a big step towards his recovery right there."

"The nightmares are a big part of what's holding him back, aren't they?" Elizabeth asked. She had been in the infirmary during one of John's nightmares, a mild one compared to the one that had almost gotten him sent back to Earth. Mild, but terrifying to witness, none the less. She couldn't even imagine what it was like for John to experience it.

"I believe so," Carson said softly. "He was doing really well until the one we couldn't bring him back from. They're getting progressively worse and they are hindering the healing process. Every nightmare causing trauma to his body, and he doesn't have the reserves to fight back."

Elizabeth sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose against another tension headache. She felt Carson watching her and lifted her eyes to see concern in his. "I'm fine, nothing a dose of Tylenol won't fix. I'm just worried about John."

Carson nodded. "Aren't we all. But if anyone can fight their way back, it's the Colonel."

"I'm counting on that," Elizabeth confessed. "Can I see him later?"

"I'm sure he'd like the company," Carson said, a grin splitting his face. "Rodney and Zelenka are driving him a bit nuts with their bickering."

Elizabeth laughed at that, and it felt almost awkward to do so, like she hadn't laughed in a long time. It took her a moment to realize that was because she hadn't. A sad thought indeed. And one she shook aside to say, "Well, payback is a bitch, isn't it? John knows how to dish it out, guess now we'll see if he can take it." And her words held a double meaning. Only she knew he was tough enough to take anything, and that he would triumph once again. If only to throw it in Caldwell's face, and Elizabeth would be content to stand on the sidelines, cheering him on.

OoO

The first day of hell slid by slowly. The night being worse because it was filled with darkness and dreams. John had been grateful to Nick keeping watch over him, and grateful that the dream wasn't as intense as the last one. Nick was able to shake him out of it, but fear kept John from sleeping as well as he could and by 2am he was tired enough to give in and let Nick sedate him.

Come morning he felt a bit lethargic, but more rested than he had been in a while. He made the trip to the bathroom in the wheelchair again, just like every time the day before. But this time he was allowed to shower and change into his own sweat pants and a t-shirt, which cheered him up a lot more than he would have expected. Breakfast, however, was a bitch. More goop which nearly gagged him, then a slice of toast. Half a slice actually, and his stomach was not happy about it but John kept it down through sheer determination.

He then chatted with Rodney and Zelenka for a bit, trying to be happy for them when Beckett released them to their respective rooms. Their bickering made him want to bang his head against the wall at times, but at least it had relieved the boredom of his own company. Only before John could get bored today, Heightmeyer showed up.

"Hey," John offered in greeting, shifting about to get more comfortable. He felt at a disadvantage being in bed. It made him feel more vulnerable and he hated that feeling. So he was feeling a bit grumpy and irritable and he knew it was going to be an effort not to take it out on the Doc.

"Good morning, Colonel," Kate replied, as she pulled the privacy curtain around them. Not that it mattered since he was the only patient in the area at the moment. She then pulled a chair over to his bedside and settled herself in it. Smiling at him she asked, "How are you feeling today?"

John bit his tongue against blurting out a sarcastic retort. It was a reflexive reaction of late. Either that or Rodney was rubbing off on him. Sucking in a low breath and releasing it slowly, John replied with a neutral, "I'm fine, all things considered."

Kate studied him a moment, then nodded. "I think you're doing extremely well, given the circumstances."

"Is a pep talk part of my therapy?" John countered, wishing he could take the words back the moment they were out. But he didn't apologize for them. Not yet anyway. An hour was a long time to get through and they hadn't ticked off more than two minutes.

"It can be," Kate allowed, not looking the least bit ruffled by his attitude. In fact, her smile was still firmly in place. "Do you think it would help?"

John realized she was being sincere and he sighed a bit and ran a hand through his hair before replying. "Beats the hell out of me. I don't know what do anymore."

Kate looked intrigued. "Why don't we start there, Colonel."

"Meaning?" He shot back, because right now he was confused.

"You want to get better," Kate replied, and at his nod continued. "So what do you think is causing the roadblock to your recovery?"

John was pretty sure that was a trick question. One of those that didn't have an actual right answer, so he could play along with it for now. "My nightmares," he guessed. He figured it couldn't hurt to stick with the basic truth. It was the nightmares that were making it hard for him to sleep and without sleep his body was messed up which meant he couldn't eat and that meant he couldn't get stronger and heal the way he needed to heal.

Kate nodded. "What do you think is causing them?" she prompted.

"If I knew that I wouldn't be talking to you," John snapped back and instantly apologized. "Sorry, that was rude of me."

"I prefer to think of it as you being honest with me," Kate countered, an almost amused smile curving her mouth.

John sighed, absently rubbing at his stomach in an attempt to ease the familiar twist of pain that was making itself felt. But this time he knew the pain was more anxiety related than anything else. He didn't want to do this, but he knew he didn't have any other choice. "Call it being rudely honest then," he said, trying to force a smile when he didn't feel the slight bit amused by any of this.

Kate shifted forward in her chair, her eyes locked on John's face. "I know this is difficult for you, Colonel. And I'm not here to try and pry into your head or bulldoze my way through your privacy shields. I just want to help you find a way to deal with the trauma of what happened. You've had a lot of trauma to deal with and it's a given that you were going to have to face it at some point. It's been building up and creating its own wall for you to smack in too. To move on with your life, you have to puncture a hole in it so it shatters and you can step over the rubble and carry on."

"Nice visual," John replied, not wanting to deal with what she was saying until he had too. Which was now, but damn if he wasn't trying to figure out how to work the avoidance angle for all he was worth.

"If you're not ready to do this, then I can come back another time," Kate offered, rising from the chair.

John waved her back down. "No, it's pretty much now or never time, Doc. If I don't start now...I never will. Putting it off any longer isn't going to make it easier and I know that. In my head."

Kate sat back down and gave John a sympathetic look. "It's not easy opening up to strangers," she allowed. "But sometimes it helps in the sense that you're not emotionally invested in my opinion of you. So you can take what I say as gospel or garbage. Basically, I'm just here as a sounding board. You just tell me stories for the next hour if that helps."

"I suck at telling stories," John replied, not looking at her but staring down at his thin fingers as they idly plucked at the blankets covering him. She didn't reply to that, letting silence fall between them until John felt compelled to break it. When it was too quiet the demons in his head started screaming. "I don't know where to start," he confessed. "I don't know what's wrong so how can I talk about it?" He was starting to feel desperate.

"Start with your dreams," Kate interjected. "Tell me what you dream about."

John closed his eyes, not needing to think at all to remember. "Usually the Wraith," he replied. "They're always killing someone I know. Sumner, Ford, people here."

Kate shifted her chair a bit closer, the sound of chair legs scraping over the floor a bit loud and distracting. When John looked up she grimaced, mouthed an apology, then asked, "Do you dream about what happened in the cave?"

"Cutting to the chase?" John countered, feeling his chest tighten as panic fluttered up from deep inside him. He tried to censor his breathing to ease through the moment, hating the fact that Kate was watching him. But he had asked for her help and maybe this was something she could help him deal with. "I keep dreaming Ronon and Rodney died there. That I couldn't save them. Only now...now I mostly dream that it's Rodney I couldn't save."

"Why do you think that is?" Kate prompted.

That was the the question that had been taunting John for a while now. He thought he knew why, but he didn't want to face it. It was his failure to bear alone. So he shrugged and countered with, "If I knew that..."

"You wouldn't be talking to me," Kate finished for him.

"I warned you I suck at this talking thing," John countered. He met her gaze and he knew she wasn't buying his excuse. But he didn't have the courage to speak the truth. God he was such a mess right now.

After a moment of awkward silence, Kate asked him, "Why do you think you failed Dr. McKay?"

The question hit John like a slap in the face. He glared at Kate, feeling angry and scared and somehow betrayed. "I didn't fail him!" he snapped. "He's alive and safe, right here in Atlantis."

"That's right," Kate replied. "He is." She held the heat of John's gaze without flinching.

"I messed up," John whispered, dropping his gaze and burying his face in his hands. "I got lost and they almost died."

Kate was on her feet, one hand reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. "But they didn't die, Colonel. You didn't fail." She paused as if waiting for him to reply, but when he didn't move or answer, she continued. "That's your demon. The one you can't overcome. Your fear of failure and the guilt it's festered within you."

John didn't believe her. Guilt was something he could deal with anyway, but he had no reason to feel guilty about Ronon and Rodney. They were alive and healing. "You're wrong," he muttered through his hands.

"I'm not talking about guilt from what happened in the cave," Kate replied. "At least, not just that guilt. I'm talking about the guilt you've built up since before you came to Atlantis, and the guilt you acquired when you stepped through the gate here and woke the Wraith."

"NO!" John hissed, his head shooting up at that. He felt all twisted up inside, all achy and hollow at the same time. She wasn't supposed to know about that guilty secret. No one was supposed to know. He had only mentioned it once, to Chaya. To someone he knew would never tell. But no one else was supposed to know.

Kate looked surprised by his anger, but she schooled her expression back to neutral and said softly, "You can't save everyone, Colonel. Just remember all the people you have saved, and try to save yourself now."

John didn't want to have this conversation so he shifted onto his side, facing away from her. "I'm tired," he whispered, and that wasn't a lie. He felt weary to the bone and worn out. Used and abused like an old rag, ripped, worn out then tossed away.

"I'll come back tomorrow," Kate said softly.

"No, I don't want to talk anymore," John replied. He knew he sounded sulky like a damn teenager, but he didn't care. Talking wasn't going to help him. He would find away to deal with the mess he had become on his own. He had done it alone in the past and he would do it again.

Kate hovered by his side for a moment, then she turned and walked away.

John closed his eyes and willed oblivion to claim him.

**THE END...of part 19**


	20. Chapter 20

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 20**

After Kate's visit, John slipped into a troubled sleep. He dreamed about Sumner, reliving the moment he'd been forced to shoot his commanding officer. The moment he had become the head of Atlantis by default. John woke up with a scream strangled in his throat.

Nick was beside him by the time he opened his eyes and realized he was safe in Atlantis. "Another bad one?" Nick asked, even as he offered a glass of water.

"Had worse," John replied, accepting the glass with a shaky hand. He took a few sips then asked, "Got any of Carson's goop handy?"

"You're hungry?" Nick looked surprised.

John nodded. He wasn't the least bit hungry, but he was determined to get past his demons and move on with his life. He wanted to heal and be strong again and he couldn't do it if he didn't eat. So he was going to eat if it killed him. Not literally kill him of course. Although the way the goop tasted, John was surprised it hadn't killed him yet.

Nick grinned and patted John's shoulder, no longer reacting to how thin he was. "I'll be right back with a mug full." And with that he was gone.

He came back quick though, and John was ready. He downed it in two gulps, shuddering as he swallowed, then gagging a bit but managing to swallow half a glass of water to make the stuff stay down. "That..was not pleasant," he gasped, once he felt like he could breathe again.

"Doesn't look pleasant," Nick allowed, as he accepted the water glass and set it aside. "Still hungry?" He sounded hopeful.

"I wouldn't mind some soup," John replied, silently willing his stomach to behave itself. It didn't seem to like the idea of soup.

Nick looked pleased. "Glad to hear that cause I just happen to have a mug." He moved to a side table and grabbed the steaming mug sitting there.

John accepted it, then frowned. "Hey, what time is it anyway?"

"About two am," Nick replied, after glancing at his watch.

"And you're not mad that I'm awake?" John countered, before taking a cautious sip of the soup, which was really nothing more than weak broth.

Nick grinned at him. "You're eating, Colonel. I don't care what time it is. Do you?"

John realized he didn't, he just wished he shared in Nick's enthusiasm. "Bon appetit," he whispered, then he focused on finishing every drop of soup in the mug.

OoO

In the morning, John swallowed his goop like a good boy, then managed a few bites of extremely thin and bland oatmeal. His stomach was not particularly happy with him, but he willed it to behave. Then he asked the nurse if he could use the bathroom and take a shower. She said she had to ask Beckett and the man himself appeared a few moments later, pushing the dreaded wheel chair.

But John didn't argue. He simply held out his hand with the IV in it, then when it was removed he allowed Carson to help him into the chair.

Carson pushed him towards the bathroom. "Kate told me you don't want to talk to her anymore," he began.

"She can't help me," John replied, and he figured he might as well be honest with Carson. The man had supported him through the ordeal with Caldwell, and John knew Carson expected him to talk to Kate as part of the healing process. But he knew now that talking to Kate wasn't the way to fix things. He just hoped he could get the good Doc to understand that as well.

"You haven't given her a chance to try," Carson protested.

John sighed softly, knowing this wasn't going to be easy. "I can't change a lifetime of keeping my feelings to myself. I can't just open up to her. I don't expect other people to solve my problems for me, Doc. Never have...never will."

They had reached the bathroom and Carson turned the chair to the side so he could face John. "Consider this a special circumstance, Colonel. You need to talk to someone about your nightmares. If you can't get past them, then you're not going to get better. And you know that."

"I do." John wasn't going to deny the truth. Denial wouldn't get him anywhere. But he knew this was going to be about compromise for everyone. "I'll talk to you and Elizabeth. To Ronon and Rodney and pretty much anyone else. Okay? Just, let me try and deal with this on my own. If I fail, I'll talk to Kate." The offer was on the table and John held his breath as he waited for Carson to respond.

"I don't know about this, lad," Carson replied, and he looked both sorry and a bit angry as he spoke.

John knew he as on the fence about this, and he understood why. But he needed this chance to prove himself. Because, ultimately, that was what this was all about. Proving himself...to himself. "Give me one week," he requested. "If I don't show any improvement, I'll talk to Heightmeyer. It's just one week." At this point John was willing to beg for it.

But Carson was already nodding agreement. "One week," he conceded. "But I doubt that's enough time to change anything, positively or negatively."

"Maybe not," John allowed, as he made to push himself out of the chair. Because he really did have to pee. He accepted Carson's help into the bathroom, then waved him off. But before the Doc left, John stated, "But I'm sure as hell going to try for the positive."

"Good for you," Carson said, before stepping out and closing the door behind him.

OoO

John spent the next two days eating and sleeping. One night he even asked Nick for a light sedative so he could sleep without dreaming in the hopes that one good night's sleep would give him the strength to fight off his demons. It seemed to work. The next night he managed to sleep with only a mild dream to interrupt him, and he was able to blow it off and go back to sleep until morning.

He had gained a few ounces too and so Beckett agreed to release him back to his room. John was dressed in his own clothes and ready to go when Elizabeth appeared. She was smiling, yet she didn't look happy. John hid a grimace of his own as she approached. "Miss me?" he asked, trying to go for cheeky in an attempt to get a genuine smile out of her.

"You have no idea," Elizabeth replied, her tone as serious as he expression became. "Are you sure you're ready to get out of here, John? I'd hate to see you relapse."

"I can eat and sleep just as well in my own room," he assured her, and when her expression changed to one of doubt, he added, "I have to try and do this on my own. I'm sure Beckett's told you about the deal we made. Just give me my week, Elizabeth. Give me a chance."

She nodded, still looking grim. "You've earned whatever chance you need, John. But I can't help but worry."

He knew that feeling. "I'm worried too," he confessed. "About a lot of things. Mostly about Atlantis and my place here. I want to be me again and the only way I'm going to get there is to do what I've always done. Face my demons."

"But do you ever really face them?" Elizabeth countered, and she sounded a bit angry as she spoke. When John frowned at her she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Sorry," she apologized. "But I've come to know you a bit in the past two years, John. You've faced down bugs and bad guys and death, but you never seem to face what you've buried inside you. You just bury it deeper and move on."

"Can't argue with that," John whispered, scrubbing a hand over his face and willing the headache that was starting up in his temples to go away. He sighed then locked eyes with Elizabeth. "I'm kind of being forced to face everything right now and I'd prefer to do it in my own way. And if it doesn't work, I'll do it Beckett's way. Okay?"

Elizabeth looked ready to argue, but then she simply nodded. "Okay."

John expelled a sigh of relief, then brightened when Carson appeared. "Can I go now?" he asked, rising to his feet.

"Aye, you can go." Carson looked pleased, but a bit worried. "Ronon's in the hallway to escort you to your quarters." He raised a hand to quell John's protests. "It's to make sure you make it there without falling down and doing more damage. You get Ronon or a wheelchair."

"I'll take Ronon," John replied, without hesitation. He patted Carson on the shoulder. "Thanks, Doc," he said, and he meant it. He knew he wouldn't have gotten this far without him. Then he turned to Elizabeth. "Wish me luck?"

She was smiling now for real, amusement and affection warming her eyes. "Good luck, John. Keep me informed."

He snorted. "Hah...like you don't know everything that goes on here anyway." He grinned at her dramatically affronted look then headed for the door. It was time to take control of his life back. Time to move on.

Ronon was waiting for him, just as Beckett said. He greeted John with a grunt and a wave of a cane.

"Nice," John commented, only just realizing Ronon had a lighter cast on. Which looked more like a brace than anything else. He pointed to it. "Guess you're doing well."

"I'm a fast healer," Ronon stated, like it was obvious. Which it was.

John nodded. "I envy you that."

They started walking and Ronon didn't look at John as he replied, "You heal fast enough, you just break more."

"Words of wisdom if I ever heard them," John replied, and he was being sincere. He seemed to spend the most time wounded in some way and it was seldom, if ever, something as simple as a cut or a bruise or the like. His injuries were always bone deep and soul deep. A habit he was really going to have to break.

"We're here," Ronon said, interrupting John's musings.

Which, to his surprise, must have lasted a while because he didn't remember the walk to his room. Ronon tended to be a good person to hang out with when you didn't want to be physically alone, but you did want to be alone in your head. "Thanks for the escort," John told him.

Ronon nodded. "Don't have a lot else to do. See ya." With that he waved and moved off.

"Yeah, see ya," John replied, watching Ronon limp off before entering his room. It felt good to be back. He saw his bag on his bed and realized he needed to unpack. When he reached for it he froze, thinking maybe it would be bad luck to put everything back, but John shook off that thought. He wasn't going anywhere. He was going to beat back his demons, get better and go back to work, where he belonged. So he spent the next half hour putting everything back where it belonged, then he pulled a pulled a powerbar out of his pocket. They were actually bland enough that he figured if he nibbled on it here and there, he might be able to get one down.

But after one bite John had to give up. Still, he made it stay down then he stretched out on his bed and closed his eyes. Just in case he couldn't sleep good tonight, he figured a few cat naps couldn't hurt. So he drifted off into warm darkness.

OoO

By the end of the week, John was feeling good. Not great, not by a long shot, but good. Carson was pleased with him because he had gained almost a pound, and everyone seemed to breathe a collected sigh of relief. John included. He really believed he was on the mend now. Sure he had a long way to go, but he was positive he would get there.

The only person that didn't seem to agree with him was Teyla. They had stared a routine of walking before breakfast. Strolling a few corridors of Atlantis really, since John wasn't allowed any regular exercise yet. Carson didn't want him burning off calories and John understood that, but he also needed to work on building up his strength again too. So they compromised.

"I'm good, Teyla," John said to her, for what felt the one thousandth time.

"Saying it over and over again does not make it true," Teyla shot back. "You're soul is not at peace."

John shot her a skeptical look. "You're a soul reader now too?" he countered, trying to make his tone light and teasing. Only he wasn't really amused.

Teyla sighed. "I want you to be well again, John. But I do not want you to kid yourself."

"I'm getting better slowly," he stated. "I know it's not going to happen over night, but it's happening. I'm getting better. Really. In fact, I talked to Elizabeth before you showed up and she's agreed to let us go on a field trip. If you're willing to arrange it."

"Field trip?" Teyla echoed, looking uncertain.

John stopped walking, taking a moment to casually lean against the wall. He tired way too easily, and he knew Teyla was aware that he was resting without trying to look like he was resting, but she seemed willing to let him keep up the pretense and for that he was grateful. After taking a moment to ride out a twinge of pain that rippled through his stomach, John set about explaining the field trip thing. "Elizabeth agrees with me that we need to get out of Atlantis for a bit. So we thought maybe a trip to the mainland to visit with your people. If you think they'll have us."

Teyla was grinning now and nodding in agreement. "You know that Halling and the others will welcome you, John. All of you. I will arrange for a celebration feast once we have finished our walk and breakfast. My people could use the break as well."

"Great!" John felt a ripple of excitement, that was closely followed by a ripple of anxiety. He wanted something other than the same familiar walls to stare at, but at the same time a part of him was terrified at the thought of leaving the safety of Atlantis. And not so much for himself, but for Rodney and Ronon. Whom he had yet to break the idea too. He figured it would be best to clear things with Teyla first. But after breakfast he would see if the rest of his team were willing to go.

"Shall we continue walking?" Teyla prompted.

John could see that she was anxious to finish so she could contact her people. "I can walk to the messhall by myself," he assured her. "Go ahead and do what you need to do. See if it's good for this weekend."

Teyla smiled and nodded. "I will make it so," she told him, then she was placing her hands on his shoulders, her grip light, and touching foreheads with him. A moment later she was making him promise to go straight to the messhall, before almost dashing off to the nearest transporter.

It was nice to see her so excited about something. John just wished he felt the same way. A celebration was something good and positive, but he couldn't quite expel the fear that was creeping over him. But he told himself that everything would be fine. Logically he knew it was safe on the mainland and they would be amongst friends, but John's demons were battering against his walls, laughing maniacally. He tuned them out.

OoO

Teyla arranged everything and, to John's surprise, Rodney and Ronon were both excited about the outing. Ronon wasn't really a surprise, but John had rather expected Rodney to decline. But he seemed eager to go as the four of them, along with Dr. Strauhan, settled into a jumper. John had been rather nervous about flying again after what had happened on the planet, but slipping into the pilot seat felt right and familiar. Flying the jumper to rescue Rodney and Radek had been different. There hadn't been any time to think about what was happening. It had all been instinct.

"How are you doing, Colonel?" Nick asked.

John made himself answer politely. Beckett had insisted on sending Nick to keep an eye on him and John wasn't happy about it. But he knew it wouldn't be fair to take his anger out on Nick. He had been nothing but a friend to John. "I'm good. Really." He turned to grin at the man.

Nick nodded, smiling back at him.

"Everyone ready?" John asked, as he powered up the jumper.

The chorus of "Ready" was all the reply he needed to head off. Twenty minutes later they landed and were greeted by Halling and several others of Teyla's people. John saw the shock on Halling's face at his condition, but it was quickly turned into a smile of welcome and John didn't begrudge the man.

He saw that the Athosians had decorated an area with flowers and the like, and that there was food and music playing and the sound of children laughing and John felt himself relaxing for the first time in far too long. He let Rodney sweep him over to a side table groaning with food and one of the elderly Athosian women tutted over John and pointed out things she thought would settle well on his stomach. It made John wonder if she had a kind of sixth sense or something. His first instinct was to refuse, but she pushed a bowl of some kind of mashed fruit looking stuff and he took a taste and liked it. As did his stomach. So he ate a fair amount before calling quits and heading off to watch the children playing tag and other games.

Throughout the course of the afternoon, everyone and their brother seemed to bring him something to eat and John felt compelled to try everything. Nick hovered over him, looking anxious at times, but John kept assuring him he felt good and the food was staying down so Nick ended up wandering away to ask the elderly woman, named Mosia, about bringing some of the food back to Atlantis for John to eat.

It was fun to watch the kids and eat the food and every time John looked at Rodney and Ronon they seemed to truly be enjoying themselves. He even heard Rodney laugh a few times, and it warmed John's very soul. Maybe they could all put the events at the cave behind and move forward again. Because John had begun to feel like he was stuck in time. He thought about talking to Rodney about things, but figured it would interfere with the fun they were having so he would postpone the chat till they returned to Atlantis.

He hadn't quite managed to put Nick's mothering behind him though, and the Doc insisted that John take a nap before the evening festivities. Teyla had explained that there would be even more food, story telling and entertainment like dancing and singing. So Nick badgered John into lying down in a quiet area, in Halling's abode, and taking a much needed rest.

Knowing he wouldn't win the argument, especially after Rodney and Teyla took sides with Nick, John gave in. Not so surprisingly, it felt good to lie down and the moment he closed his eyes he was asleep.

_He woke up with a jolt, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. Slipping off the blankets, John made his way to the door. He wished he had a weapon on him when he heard screaming and when he peeked out it was to see a Wraith feeding on Rodney. John didn't hesitate. He threw himself at the Wraith, wresting him away from McKay, but it was too late. Rodney was old and fragile and before John's eyes he shattered into dust._

_"NOOOOOOO!" John screamed. He saw a branch on the ground and he grabbed it in both hands with the intent of clubbing the Wraith to death. But scaly hands grabbed him, pulling him away. He fought them, kicking and screaming, and redoubling his efforts when he saw another Wraith going after Teyla. _

_But even as he fought he felt white hot pain ripple through him, bringing darkness closing over him like a shroud. John crumpled into oblivion._

"Oh God...oh god!" Rodney stammered as he watched Nick kneel beside Sheppard's limp form. One minute the Colonel had been sleeping and the next he was screaming and attacking Halling. Ronon had been forced to hit him with a blast from his stun gun to stop him from fighting the hands holding him down and doing further damage to himself.

Teyla knelt beside Nick and asked, "Will he be all right?"

Nick sighed. "We need to get him back to Atlantis."

"I'll carry him to the Jumper," Ronon offered.

"Not on that leg," Nick replied. He reached out and scooped John into his arms, looking shocked by how light the Colonel was.

Teyla made to follow, but stopped to go to Halling first. "I am sorry for what happened," she said, sadness heavy in her voice.

Halling touched foreheads with her, then shook his head. "There is nothing to apologize for. Sheppard is haunted by demons. He did not intend harm and he did not hurt me. Go and be with your friend. He will be in our prayers."

"Thank you," Teyla whispered, blinking back tears. Then she moved to take Rodney's arm, leading the pale man towards the Jumper. Fear twisted in her heart. What would become of Colonel Sheppard now?

**THE END...of part 20**


	21. Chapter 21

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 21

Awareness began to creep in, making John realize that he was being moved. He threw out his arm reflexively in an attempt to keep from falling. Someone took his hand and gripped it firmly as he was placed on a surface that was relatively flat and soft. He struggled to open his eyes, confused about where he was and what was happening.   
"What?" he mumbled.

"Colonel Sheppard, we're back in Atlantis. Just take it easy and we'll get you to the infirmary."

John got his eyes open enough to see Nick standing over him and Teyla holding his hand. He couldn't figure out why he needed to go to the infirmary. What had happened? He felt tingly, as if he'd been stunned, but that didn't seem to make any sense. His eyes opened briefly, making him aware that he had let them close. He got sporadic views of the halls and people around the gurney he seemed to be riding on. Glimpses of faces and walls came and went as he drifted in and out.

By the time he stopped moving, indicating they had reached the infirmary, the fog in his head was beginning to clear. He looked up to see Nick pushing the end of the stethoscope up under his shirt and Marcy taking his blood pressure. He had come to the conclusion he was uninjured, but still hadn't figured out why or how he had been stunned.

He waited until Nick removed the stethoscope and got his pressure from Marcy to voice his concerns. "Nick, what happened? Why am I here? The last thing I remember is you telling me I needed to lie down for a while."

Nick glanced at Marcy. "Why don't you go see if you can find Dr. Beckett." As soon as she left, he glanced back down at his patient as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, I did tell you that, and you complied by taking a nap at Halling's place, so I guess this kind of makes this fiasco my fault. Halling found you in the middle of another nightmare and, when he couldn't wake you, you attacked him." Nick sighed and shook his head, wishing he'd been better prepared to help the colonel. "You were . . . quite violent and we had trouble subduing you so . . . Ronon stunned you. We thought it the best way to stop you without risking injury."

John closed his eyes and rubbed his hand across his face. "Crap, when is this going to end?" He suddenly removed his hand looked up at Nick, panic in his eyes and voice. "Did I hurt anyone? Halling, is he okay?"

"Yes, yes, everyone's fine. Halling didn't get hurt and Teyla said he isn't even angry. He was just worried about you, as we all are."

Nick glanced back up to see Beckett coming quickly across the infirmary, his expression grim. "Warning, angry doctor at nine o'clock and closing fast."

"Oh, shoot," murmured John. He tilted his head to watch Beckett walk up to the bedside.

"Nick, what's this I hear about the colonel being brought in?" Beckett looked down to see John watching him. "Oh, you're awake lad. Someone needs to tell me what happened." He immediately brought out his stethoscope and ran it under John's shirt, causing him to shiver as the cold metal hit his chest for the second time.

Nick grinned at the annoyed look on John's face, but neither of them said anything, not wanting to add fuel to the fire that would probably erupt shortly. "He's not injured as far as I can tell, he just got stunned."

Beckett whipped his head around. "Stunned? How did that happen?"

Nick sighed, knowing how disappointed Carson would be after the strong progress of the past week. "I made him lie down for a while and he had another bad nightmare. We . . . couldn't wake him and he . . . he was violent, so Ronon stunned him."

Beckett shook his head sadly and looked back down at John, who had laid his forearm across his eyes almost like he was hiding. He knew the colonel was even more disappointed than he was. "I'm sorry lad. You've made such a go of it lately, I really thought it was turning around." He gently squeezed John's shoulder as he talked.

John talked softly, without moving his arm. "I just thought . . . I thought I had it under control."

Beckett nodded at Nick, who realized the doctor wanted to talk to Sheppard. He patted Sheppard on the leg. "I'll leave you in Carson's hands now, Colonel. I'm just sorry I didn't do a better job of watching out for you."

John pulled his arm down, looking up at Nick. "Not your fault, Doc and there's nothing else you could have done. I'm just glad no one got hurt. Thanks for everything."

Nick nodded and left while Beckett pulled up a stool and sat down. "Colonel, I'm going to hold you to our agreement. You've had your week. And while your physical progress has been good up until now, I think you'll agree the nightmares are still problematic."

John swallowed hard. "I know. You've held up your end of the deal and let me do it my way for a week, so I'll honor my end. I'm not injured, so I assume I'll get out of here soon. I'll stop by and make an appointment with Kate after I'm released."

"I need you to do more than make an appointment, I need you to give this an honest effort, or it won't do you any good. You've only got a few weeks before Caldwell gets back and we've got to be able to show a lot of progress, both physically and psychologically."

"I know, Doc, I know. He made it pretty clear that he wouldn't be giving me any more breaks. I'll really try this time, I promise."

Beckett smiled, happy to hear the determination in the colonel's voice. "Good. I know you can do this and I really don't want to be saying goodbye to you any more. Just rest here for a bit until the effects of the stunner wear off and then I'll check you one more time. Would you like something to eat?"

John closed his eyes and almost turned green. "No, I've already had more to eat today than the last three days combined and it's not mixing well with stunner. I'm just trying to keep what I already have down."

"Oh . . . right . . . sorry, lad. You just lie still and your stomach should settle shortly as your body gets back to normal. I'll check on you periodically, but let me know if you need anything."

"I'm good," he said, closing his eyes. He hadn't realized how tired the day had made him and his earlier nap hadn't been very restful. He lay drifting into a light doze for several minutes until suddenly the image of a Wraith flashed in his head. He jerked his eyes open, his heart pounding in his chest, but he saw that he was safely lying in the infirmary, with nothing amiss. He kept his eyes open, watching the people around him, afraid if he slept he'd dream again. He'd just have to wait and sleep when he was alone in his quarters.

oOo

Beckett walked out to meet Elizabeth and John's team. "He's fine," he assured them. "The effects of the stunner are wearing off nicely. I'll release him in a bit, when I'm sure he's okay. He's agreed to see Kate."

"Do you think it'll work this time?" asked Elizabeth.

"It's got to. We've talked about the fact that he's got a timetable on this, so he told me he'd give it a better effort this time. Let's hope he does."

"If we don't fix him, Caldwell will take him for sure next time," said Ronon.

"Aye, I know," said Beckett. "And so does the Colonel."

oOo

John stood outside Kate Heightmeyer's door, rubbing his sweaty palms up and down against his pant legs. He balled his right hand into a fist and raised it to knock, hesitating before dropping it back down to his side. He looked at the door for a few more seconds, wishing he could summon the courage to knock. Disgusted with himself, he finally turned and walked down the hall . . . for the third time in the last hour. He quickly made his way to the nearest balcony and rushed out to the railing. Gripping it tightly in anger, he silently cursed himself and his weakness as he stood rigidly staring out at the ocean.

"May I join you?"

John jumped as he swiveled around to see who the voice belonged to. He was a little disturbed that he hadn't heard anyone come through the door. Kate joined him at the railing, taking her own look at the waves crashing against the pier below them.

"It really is quite amazing out here. Have you ever wondered if the Ancients spent as much time contemplating life on these balconies as we humans seem to?"

John took his eyes back to the water. "I have a feeling they did. Why else would there be so many of them?"

Kate finally looked at John. "Did you want to see me?"

John chuckled as he continued to stare at the horizon. "Did Carson call you?"

"No, actually I happen to leave my office while ago and saw you hurrying down the hall. Since my office is the only thing at that end of the hall, I thought maybe you'd been to see me." Kate grinned as she looked back out at the water. "I was digging around in the back of the storage closet and I just figured I didn't hear you knock. I'm afraid I have that thing all cluttered up already."

John smiled in spite of himself. "Closet clutterer, huh?"

"Shh," whispered Kate, looking around in an exaggerated fashion. "It's my deepest, darkest secret."

"Don't worry, you're secret's safe with me. We can call it patient-doctor confidentiality."

Kate nodded, smiling up at Sheppard and happy to see he had relaxed a little. "Thanks. So, colonel, what did you want to see me about?"

John turned his body to face her, deciding it was time to face reality, as well as Kate. "I need help. I . . . wondered if we could try again. I really don't want to get sent back to Earth."

Kate put her hand reassuringly on Sheppard's. "We don't want for you to get sent back. I'd be happy to help you, Colonel Sheppard. I'm a big fan of your work, having survived this long because of it, so I figure it's the least I can do. I know the actions that have saved me and others have on several occasions cost you dearly."

John ran his hand nervously through his hair, embarrassed by the focus of attention. "It's been a team effort all the way. And I haven't always been successful." John turned back to the ocean, finding it more comfortable to avoid eye contact.

"No, you haven't always been successful, and sometimes you've lost people. That's what bothers you the most, isn't it?"

He stood silently for several seconds, aware that his heart rate was starting to creep up and a knot was forming in his stomach as his anxiety increased. "That . . . and losing even more people," he said quietly.

"And that's what fuels the nightmares, past failures and the fear of future failures that might cost the lives of your friends."

John's throat felt constricted, so he settled for nodding. They stood for a few minutes without speaking and John almost forgot she was there. He let himself get caught up in the rhythmic sound of the waves below and the way the sun glinted off the surface of the water.

"Did you have night terrors as a child?"

John was almost started by her voice. "Night terrors?"

"Yes, the really bad nightmares that leave you terrified and almost unable to function for a while when it's over."

John rubbed the back of his neck and closed his eyes for a second, fighting the headache he felt beginning to throb in his temples. "No, not really. Just some standard nightmares like all kids have."

"When did they start? The nightmares that are above and beyond the average nightmare, can you remember when you had your first one?" Kate was almost surprised when he answered.

"Afghanistan, the day Mitch and Dex were killed. Their helicopter went down right in front of me. I . . . I was supposed to be their back-up, but . . . " His breath hitched as he looked down at his hands, gripping the railing so hard his knuckles were white. "I woke up the guys in the bunk next to mine. I must have scared them pretty badly, because the next day my C.O. sent me to the base psychologist."

"Did it help?"

"No, it never does," he said softly, continuing to look down. "I just tried to keep it under control as much as possible. The bad ones just hit ever so often and my buddies could kind of tell when I was building up to what they called a screamer and they'd wake me up." He smiled wryly at the last part, but there was no humor in his face or his eyes. After a few seconds, he lifted his head and looked at her. "Why?"

Kate looked Sheppard in the eye. "Because I think that's how long this has been building up. I think your demons and guilt and traumas have been slowly adding together over the years as you've tried to repress them. The nightmares are a sign of post traumatic stress disorder which, left untreated, has evolved into what I believe is something approaching REM sleep behavior disorder."

Sheppard looked at her, his mouth slightly open. "What does that mean, exactly?" He was beginning to be afraid he'd boxed himself into a corner he wouldn't be able to get out of, at least in time.

Kate smiled reassuringly. "It means we have our work cut out for us, Colonel. It's taken years to get you in this mess, and we aren't going to get you out overnight."

John turned back to the ocean, running his hand through his hair again. "Crap, I'm screwed, aren't I? I'll be on your little couch for the rest of my natural life . . . or maybe just until Caldwell gets back."

"We'll still be working on this when Caldwell returns, even if you buckle down and work like you need to on it. But as long as we can show significant progress, he'll have to let you stay. We can do that, but you're going to have to focus and bare down. I won't lie to you, it's going to be rough and you aren't going to like it. You're going to get mad, you're going to hurt, and you're going to feel frustrated at times, but you have to stick with it. Tell me how you managed to keep going on that planet, even though you were exhausted and sick and injured?"

John sighed and bowed his head. "I didn't have a choice. We had to have food and water and I was the only one that could move around."

"Well, you don't have a choice now, not if you want to stay on Atlantis. How badly do you want to stay here?"

John turned to face her, fire burning in his eyes. "I'd almost rather be dead than be sent back." His voice was quiet, but she could here the determination behind it.

"You can do this, colonel, if you're willing to tough it out and not quit. Are you?"

John looked at her and found himself drawing strength from her confidence, replacing the doubt that had filled him and left him feeling helpless before. "When do we start?"

Kate smiled up at him. "How about in the morning, say ten o'clock? I'd like to have a few sessions with McKay and Ronon there as well. I think they would benefit from a joint session and I think your time on the planet was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. We can address that first and then work our way back to other issues as needed. I'll see you in the morning, colonel."

As Kate turned and walked away, it occurred to John that he had just spilled his guts to her without a moment's hesitation, without the wall building and stall tactics that he normally employed. He'd been caught off guard by the setting and the way the conversation had started. He quickly turned to her as she was opening the door. "Did you just hustle me?"

She hesitated, looking across the balcony at the pale, thin shell of a man who had saved Atlantis more times than anyone could count. "Not on purpose . . . but I'm willing to take anything that falls my way." She stood looking at his stunned expression for a moment. "Colonel, this is going to sound strange, but . . . would you like to work on the balcony? It seems much more relaxing."

John glanced back out at the ocean before looking back at Kate. "I think I'd like that."

Kate grinned. "I would too. Meet me in my office and I think I have a couple of chairs we could drag out here. See you in the morning, then."

John nodded as she turned and went through the door. He watched it close behind her, realizing that the hard part of his recovery started tomorrow.

oOo

John came awake with a start, his heart pounding and his breathing ragged as he struggled with the covers. After a few seconds, he realized he was in his quarters with the sheet wrapped around him, not fighting with a Wraith on the planet. He collapsed back into the mattress, waiting on his breathing to slow down before heading for the bathroom.

He stood looking in the mirror for a long time, not particularly liking what he saw. His face was still too thin and eyes still looked sunken. Pulling off his shirt, he ran his fingers gently along his ribcage, revolted by the way his bones still protruded, not really showing the hand full of pounds he'd put back on. No wonder everyone was worried about him, treating him as though he would break if they handled him too much. He probably would. This was not the body of a military leader; it was much too weak and pathetic. What disturbed him the most, though, was the fact that his mind was apparently in even worse shape. He wondered briefly if it would have been better for Atlantis if he'd gone back with Caldwell.

"No!" he shouted at the mirror. "I will not quit . . . I will not let this beat me." He didn't quit on the planet and they made it back alive. He would not quit now. He'd do whatever it took, even if that meant spending a scary amount of time with Kate prowling through his memories. He clenched his fists, angry that he'd been back as long as he had with no more progress to show for it. He'd become weak, something he couldn't stand in himself.

Grabbing his shirt, he quickly put it back on and donned a pair of running pants over his shorts. Within minutes, he was running outside, the cool night air brushing against his hot skin. He breathed it in deeply, letting the fresh air fill his lungs and release some of the tension. He set a slow pace, knowing he wasn't in shape to run fast or long. He just wanted a short run, something to wear him out and make him work to breathe.

He only ran for about fifteen minutes before he had to slow to a walk, a stitch making its annoying appearance in his right side. Walking another fifteen minutes, he stopped and sat down by the railing, letting his feet hang off the side between the posts. He rested the side of his face against the cool surface and looked at the night sky. He had almost lost all of this and it scared him, worse than anything the Wraith had ever done.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, just letting his mind drift. Eventually he got cold and decided he'd better get back before he made himself sick. He didn't have time for any more setbacks. He had to build his strength back up so he could stay in Atlantis. Pulling himself to his feet, he alternately jogged and walked back to his quarters, working up a sweat on the way. By the time he got back to his room, he knew he was tired enough to sleep. After a quick shower, he practically fell into bed and slept the few remaining hours until morning without dreaming.

oOo

John was tired when he got up the next morning, but it was a good tired. He wasn't worried about it because he knew he could always take a nap after his session with Kate. After dressing, he went to the mess hall, determined to eat a decent breakfast. Standing in line, however, the smell of the eggs made him start feeling nauseous, so he settled for toast, juice, and coffee.

"That's it?" he looked up from his plate to see McKay taking the seat beside him. "That's all you're having?"

John looked down at his plate with two pieces of buttered toast on it. "People have toast for breakfast all the time. What's the big deal?"

Rodney sighed and addressed him with his _you must be an idiot_ tone of voice. "The _big deal_ is that you're trying to gain weight. Somehow I don't think two pieces of toast will provide the calories needed for that little task."

John picked at the edge of his toast. "I'm doing the best I can not to throw up right now, Rodney. In light of that, toast seemed a good option."

Rodney's fork clanked on the table as he dropped it, his face screwing up like that of someone sucking on a lemon. "Trying to eat here . . . or at least I was. Could you please refrain from telling me every time you feel the need . . . " Rodney suddenly clamped his mouth shut, remembering what Carson had told them about watching Sheppard and getting him to eat.

"Never mind, you're right. You should eat whatever you can keep down. I can always bring you a snack later this morning. Carson said you don't have to eat a lot at one sitting, that it's actually better to eat several smaller meals throughout the day." He turned and watched as Sheppard chewed on a bite of the toast. He was amazed to see what a struggle it seemed to be.

"You really are having a hard time with this eating thing, aren't you?" Rodney whispered.

John took a drink of his juice and stared down at his plate. "Most of the time, I'm just not hungry. Even when I think I'm finally hungry, the smell of most things makes my stomach churn. If I eat very much at all, I spend the next hour or so just concentrating on keeping it down." He looked up at Rodney. "I want so badly just to sit down to a big plate of food and eat it and enjoy it like a normal person. I just . . . I can't do that right now."

McKay put his hand on John's shoulder, gripping it firmly and feeling the bones not far beneath the surface. "You will eventually. Just take it slowly and do what you can for now. Do this in baby steps if you need to. If you can survive two weeks with practically no food, while hauling food and water for me and Ronon, you can do this." Holding John's gaze with his most serious look, he said, "Please don't leave me alone here with Ronon and Caldwell."

John grinned. "Oh, I don't know, I think Ronon would probably take care of Caldwell before very long. Him or Teyla."

Rodney matched John's grin as he picked up his fork and stabbed a bite of eggs. "My money's on Teyla."

oOo

John stood looking at Kate's door for a few seconds, reminding himself of how he'd felt the morning he said good bye to his friends and began boarding the Daedalus. He could still feel the emptiness that had filled his body and soul, the nameless dread that had threatened to crush him. Using that as his leverage, he brought his hand up and knocked on her door, determined that he would never have face that loss again.

TBC


	22. Chapter 22

**Note:** Thanks to those of you still with us. I know this thing is like the Energizer bunny, but we keep thinking of new stuff to do. With two sick minds at work, this could keep going and going and going . . .

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 22

John stacked the two chairs together and looked up at Kate. "I have a proposition for you."

"Offering up deals already? That didn't take long."

John chuckled as he leaned against the top of the second chair. "No reason to waste time. How about if I take these down to the balcony and you get us a cup of coffee?"

Kate smiled and nodded her head. "Now that I can do. Actually, I just made a fresh pot a little while ago and I have several extra mugs for company."

John raised his eyebrows. "You have your own coffee pot?"

"Oh, yeah," Kate said as she grabbed two mugs from the counter and walked over to the coffee maker. "This was the first thing I requested when the Daedalus started making runs." She paused to check how he wanted his coffee and then resumed preparing it. "Some days I don't get out of here all day and about noon I'm ready to beg for a cup."

John grinned and cupped his chin in his hand thoughtfully. "So, we have a closet closet-clutterer and a coffeeaholic. I think we're starting to make some progress here."

Kate sighed and rolled her eyes, walking across the room to join him at the door. "Elizabeth is right, you're hopeless."

John paused as the door closed behind them, tilting his head as he looked at Kate. "Elizabeth says I'm hopeless?"

She just nodded as they walked down the hall, him carrying the chairs and her two mugs of steaming coffee.

"So, how often do you two talk about me?" he asked hesitantly, not really sure he wanted an answer.

"Uh . . . I think that's covered under doctor-patient confidentiality."

John just grunted, leaving her wondering if it was from carrying the chairs or her answer. A few minutes later, they were seated on the balcony, sipping their coffee in silence as they looked out to sea. The balcony stood in the shadow of one of the large towers, completely protected from the morning sun. The breeze was light, but cool on their skin, making the heat from the coffee even more welcome.

John had both hands closed around the mug, which was positioned just below his chin. He closed his eyes, inhaling the scent as the warm vapors rose off the surface of the liquid, spreading across his face. "I missed coffee."

Kate turned and looked at him, watching him enjoy the feel, the smell, and then the taste of the coffee. She remembered when they had run out of coffee several weeks before the Wraith attack. Not one morning had gone by that she hadn't thought about wanting a cup. She smiled at the way simple pleasures could take on such exaggerated importance under the right circumstances.

"One of the nine great wonders," she said.

John opened his eyes and glanced at her. "Nine?"

Kate grinned. "Yeah, the seven normal ones plus coffee and chocolate."

John looked at her, a slight frown on his face. His expression finally relaxed and eased into a smile. "Okay, make it ten . . . flying."

"I should have expected that one, coming from you. How long have you known you loved flying?"

John answered almost immediately. "Since I was old enough to know what it was. I can vaguely remember swinging so high I turned the swing set over when I was a kid. I loved the sensation of sailing through the air. I've just always known that's what I was meant to do."

"What would you do if you had to leave the Air Force?"

John's expression changed dramatically, a tight frown creasing his brow. His stomach clamped down at the realization that it could actually happen, and soon. "I don't know," he said quietly. "I . . . I don't have anything else . . . I don't have anyone on Earth." He looked down into his cup, as if seeking an answer there.

"Yesterday . . . when we were out here, you said you thought I had . . . PTSD, because of the nightmares."

Kate nodded. "Do you know anything about it?"

John continued to look in his cup, not ready for eye contact yet. "Yeah, a little. I've known some guys with problems and . . . they kind of tell you a little about it when they think you have it."

"You've been diagnosed with it before." She stated the fact because she had read his file and knew it to be true. "Your treatment didn't seem to last very long."

John snorted softly and finally pulled his gaze up to meet hers. "I've gotten pretty good at knowing what they want you to say so they can pat you on the head and send you back out. They needed me out in the field and I needed to be there. I just had to jump through the right hoops."

Kate's mouth twitched slightly as she sipped her coffee while holding his eyes. "I'm not much on head patting or hoop jumping myself."

"Yeah, I've noticed." John dropped his eyes again and then turned back to the ocean. "What's this other thing . . . some kind of sleep disorder?"

"REM sleep behavior disorder. In normal REM sleep, the body is basically paralyzed, something called atonia. In some people, this is somehow circumvented and they are able to act out violent dreams, often attacking whoever happens to be around them. Normally this occurrence in someone your age indicates the development of a potentially serious neurological disorder, but in your case, I think it's due to the extreme physical and emotional stress you've been under. I've discussed this some with Carson, but we've decided to postpone any testing for now since we are relatively certain of the cause."

"So, what do we do to make it go away?" John asked, watching her for an answer.

"Well, it can be treated with some behavior modification and sometimes with drugs. Your case is not exactly standard, however, since it seems to be linked with the PTSD. You sometimes can't be wakened, for example, and that's very atypical. I'm not sure if we aren't getting you to wake up, or if maybe you are waking at some level and just shifting from dream to hallucination. I think if we treat the PTSD and you do some extra things like limiting your caffeine intake, we can lick this without resorting to medication."

John looked confused. "What does limiting caffeine have to do with it?"

"There is some evidence that caffeine may interfere with the sleep paralysis that normally happens, making you more active during sleep. Some of the drugs commonly used to treat this are actually anti-anxiety medications. If you limit your caffeine intake, particularly during the afternoon and evening, maybe the normal atonia will take hold more effectively."

John looked down at his coffee. "Can I still have my morning coffee?"

Kate sighed. "The best thing would be to get rid of all of it for a while until we see how you do, and then maybe introduce one or two cups in the morning if all goes well. Definitely none after lunch, at least not for a while until we have this whole mess resolved." Kate smiled, but tried to sound sympathetic. "I told you this wouldn't be easy."

"I know, but I don't remember anything about cruel and unusual."

"I think the mess hall has decaffeinated coffee. You could try that in the morning."

John made a face of disgust. "Not much point in that . . . but . . . maybe I can pretend." He looked down at the waves below for several minutes before continuing. "I know I had the two dreams where . . . things got violent. Other than that, how do you know I'm not just having a few nightmares?" He expected a smug answer, but was surprised by her response.

"That's actually a good question, colonel. Let me answer that by asking you a few questions. How often do you have these nightmares and how real are they?"

John thought a moment. "Very real, sometimes I can feel things and smell things, as well as see them. How often varies. Two or three times a week, maybe more lately."

"Colonel, the average person may not have but three or four nightmares a year. I realize the constant threat from the Wraith and Genii make us more on edge and therefore, more likely to have nightmares, but I doubt anyone else here has them nearly that often. Another question or two. How badly do they affect you, as in do you avoid sleep? Are you unable to go back to sleep because of them? Do they ever make you sick to your stomach?"

"Okay, I get your point," he snapped.

Kate didn't miss the fact that he chose not to answer her questions. She was pretty sure she already knew the answers. "I know you dream a lot about the Wraith and about losing people close to you. Have the dreams been a lot about events on the planet lately, or similar to the ones you normally have?"

"The planet. Not all the time, but quite a few of them. I usually return to the cave to find Rodney and Ronon dead from starvation or exposure or the Wraith feeding on them. I had to leave them alone a lot to get food and water and I used to worry. I was afraid something would happen and I wouldn't be there to help them and protect them."

"But you still left them."

"I had to!" John said angrily, jumping to his feet and pacing around the balcony. "I had to leave them. We had to have water and I was the only one who could get it. I had to leave, but I was afraid the leave . . . " He stopped in front of the rail and hit is fist on it several times. "I just kept leaving them . . . tempting fate . . . they could have died . . . "

"But they didn't."

He jumped, not realizing she had come up to stand just behind him. "Every time I left that cave . . . " he said softly, feeling the fear twisting in his gut, as fresh as it had been on the planet. "I was afraid I'd come back to find them . . . " He looked down, unable to say it.

"You were afraid they would be dead and it would be your fault for leaving them alone," she finished for him. From her close proximity, she saw him shiver and knew she'd hit home. "But they didn't die and they made it because you _did_ leave them to find food and water."

"I know," he whispered, wondering why he was cold and sweating at the same time. He shivered again, wanting to bolt from the balcony to find Ronon and Rodney and make sure they were safe. He knew they were, but he just felt the need to see them.

"You need to go find them, don't you? You need to see them and make sure they're really okay."

John whirled around, almost gasping at her words. He was simultaneously terrified and comforted at how well she was reading him. He felt a little like the balcony was closing in on him and he couldn't breathe.

"Sit down a minute," Kate ordered, taking his hand and guiding him to his chair. He sat down and leaned his head over into his lap, trying to breathe slowly and control the panic to see his teammates growing inside him. After a few minutes, he sat back up and looked at her.

"I'm okay. Sorry," he said sheepishly.

Kate smiled and rubbed his shoulder a few seconds. "It's okay, perfectly understandable, actually. I want to include Rodney and Ronon tomorrow, if that's okay. I think we're ready to start talking about what happened down there."

John nodded. "Okay, if you can get them to come."

"Oh, I'll get them to come. Since it's more people, we should meet in my office, but we can return here for sessions that are just us if you'd like."

John nodded. "Sounds good."

"Okay, I think you've had enough for one day. I'll see you at ten again in the morning."

"I'll be there," John said as he stood up. When he left the balcony, he headed for Rodney's lab. He still needed to see them to ease his mind that his friends were okay.

oOo

Rodney slammed the small screwdriver he'd been using down on the lab table. He pulled angrily at the edge of the brace, muttering to himself. The pain in his back had been much better lately, but it hadn't gone completely away and the brace was driving him crazy. It seemed every time he moved, the thing was limiting him or jabbing him. Going without it wasn't an option yet, however. He'd tried that one morning and quickly discovered that he needed the support.

He sat staring blankly at the counter, trying to console himself with the fact that he had pain medication, plenty of real food, and was blessedly clean. He thought of Sheppard's plight, complicated and confusing as usual. He was by far the most mobile of the three and yet, he seemed to be suffering the most. He didn't look much better than when they first returned from the planet, except for the clean clothes and lack of facial hair. He couldn't decide if he needed to feel sorry for him or be angry with him for not just buckling down and getting better.

Rodney stood and stretched, turning around as he did so to see John standing in the doorway watching him. "What the . . . what are you doing lurking around over there? Jeez, Colonel, what are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?"

John grinned and leaned against the doorframe. "Sorry, McKay."

"Yes, well, okay, um . . . what did you want, anyway?" Rodney looked at the ground as he waited for the answer, not wanting to be caught staring. And as much as he wanted to look away from Sheppard's almost skeletal frame, he found himself staring almost every time and he could tell it made the man nervous. Heck, it made him nervous.

"I just needed . . . I mean I just wanted to . . . " John rubbed the back of his head as he struggled for words. He was a little afraid McKay would think him even more of freak than he already did if he told him the truth. "I just wanted to see how you're doing, you know, how your back is."

"Oh, that," said Rodney, having decided he was tired of looking at the floor. He scrutinized Sheppard, trying to determine if he looked any better. "It's . . . actually, it's driving me crazy. It doesn't hurt enough to be debilitating and get me the really good pain meds, but it does hurt enough to limit everything I do and annoy me every minute of the day. I really hate this."

Sheppard nodded sympathetically. "I know, McKay," John said softly. "If I just could have kept the jumper from –"

"No! Don't start that. It was _not_ your fault. Are you listening to me, because I mean it? This was _not_ your fault." McKay realized that his heart was beating wildly and he was probably red in the face, a mixture of fear and anger fueling his outburst.

"McKay . . . it's the pilot's job to check the ship before take-off. It was my responsibility to see that the jumper was safe."

"And it was my responsibility to oversee the jumper repairs, but that doesn't make it my fault either. The only person to blame here is Agnew, and he's on his way back to Earth, thank goodness."

"That's one sentiment I can agree with." John hesitated for a moment and shifted his weight. "I do kind of have a favor to ask." John turned and looked to the other side of the lab, uneasy about asking his friend to do something he knew he wouldn't want to do.

"Spit it out, Colonel, I'm not getting any younger."

John smiled a little, glad to hear the old snark back in Rodney's voice. "I've been talking to Kate, and she wants the three of us to get together for a session in her office tomorrow. She thinks it would be . . . beneficial."

"Colonel, I don't think that I . . . " Rodney looked at John's hunched shoulders and the tired way he carried himself lately. He remembered the pain and exhaustion that had been in his face as he climbed down that awful hill every day to look for food or water or whatever they needed at the time. The man had somehow kept going for two weeks on nothing but sheer stubbornness and concern for his friends. "What time?"

John turned and looked at him, trying the mask the look of relief on his face. "Ten."

"I'll be there."

"Thanks, Rodney," he said quietly, a nervous smile playing across his lips. "Uh, it's almost lunch time, you want to get something to eat?"

McKay glanced at the lab table with disgust. "Yes, I'd like nothing better than to get out of here for a while. Let's go eat. Maybe I can get you to eat more than a bowl of soup this time."

John smiled and clapped him on the back, careful to avoid the brace. "Who knows, McKay, maybe you will. Let's get Ronon to join us. We can stuff him full of food and then convince him to join us tomorrow."

McKay snorted. "We're talking about feeding him, not getting him drunk."

"I know, I know, but a full Ronon is a happy and much more agreeable Ronon."

They crossed the threshold into the hallway. "I guess you have a point. All I know is that if I have to spill my guts to Kate, then so does Ronon. All for one and one for all and all that stuff."

"I think that's the three musketeers, McKay."

oOo

John jerked awake, eyes darting around his darkened room. He knew he'd been dreaming, but for once he couldn't remember what it had been about. Glancing at the clock, he saw it was only 0400, but his stomach was tightening and his mind racing, thinking about the session with Ronon and Rodney later that morning. So far, talking to Kate had been difficult, but not so hard he couldn't handle it. He was terrified of opening himself up in front of his teammates, of discussing his fears and weaknesses failures in front of them and then somehow expecting to keep their respect. He wished he could go back in time and tell Kate it was a bad idea.

Giving up, he got up and changed into some sweats and spent the next hour alternating between walking and jogging. By the time he got back to his quarters, he was tired, but still wired. Grabbing a quick shower, he dressed and headed for the mess hall. When he arrived, however, he stood in the doorway as the odors made his stomach lurch. He was debating whether to force himself to eat or not, when he reflexively gagged. Placing his hand over his mouth, he hurried out to the nearest balcony and breathed deeply, clearing his air passages of the food smells. After a few seconds, his stomach settled back down, filling him with relief. Too nervous for food or sleep and banned from coffee, he decided there was nothing to do but wait.

oOo

John felt like a nervous wreck by ten o'clock. When Ronon and Rodney were settled, Kate spent the next few minutes making polite conversation, trying to put them both at ease. John just concentrated on not throwing up as he absently rubbed his stomach. He quit when he noticed the three of them looking at him and smiled sheepishly.

Kate nodded at John, noting the nervous way he bounced his right leg up and down. "Well, I think we're ready to begin. Ronon, Dr. McKay, I know you came primarily to support Colonel Sheppard, but I think this may be beneficial for all of you. I want you discuss the two weeks on the planet, with each of you telling about major events from your perspective. It's important sometimes to see how other people view the same events you are viewing. Who wants to start?"

Rodney and Ronon both looked at John, who smiled weakly and took a deep breath. "I guess that would be me. Where do you want me to start?"

"Begin immediately after the jumper crash."

"Okay, well, I woke up and managed to find Rodney under a bunch of stuff in the jumper. He had a pretty bad head injury and his back was hurting as well."

"The pain was almost unbearable," said Rodney. "My head and back hurt and I was dizzy and nauseous, I couldn't move. It was terrible."

"What about Ronon?" asked Kate.

"The back hatch had been ripped off during the crash and Ronon had apparently been thrown out as we skidded. I found him several feet away with a broken leg. Since he was unconscious, I went ahead and straightened and splinted it to reduce the pain. About the time I finished, we heard the jumper starting to shift, so I went back in and got Rodney out."

"Yeah, and then Colonel Kamikaze went back in the jumper and it almost rolled down the hill with him. Knocked him down as he got out." Rodney sighed and shook his head.

"Hey, I got some more supplies before we lost the jumper for good, didn't I? We needed that stuff. As it turns out, we needed everything we had and more to survive."

"Were you injured in the crash, Colonel?" asked Kate.

John looked at her quizzically. "As I'm sure Beckett told you, I hit my head and bruised some ribs, nothing major. I got the two of them bandaged up and settled and then I went to find a cave I'd seen from the air. Once I found it, I moved them to the cave one at a time."

Kate looked at Ronon, sitting quietly and looking extremely uncomfortable. "Ronon, you haven't said much. How did you feel about the Colonel leaving you and Dr. McKay to look for the cave?"

Ronon shrugged his shoulders. "He didn't have any choice. The jumper had rolled down into a ravine and we needed shelter. McKay and I weren't exactly in any shape to go exploring. He left us food and water, we were fine."

"Rodney, what about you?"

"Ronon's right. I sure didn't want to spend the night out under the trees, much less the next two weeks. I barely made it to the cave with Sheppard helping me and knowing exactly where it was. I sure couldn't have gone with him while he scouted it out. He did the right thing."

"I understand the cave sat on top of a rather large hill. Colonel, how did you get them up there with them being injured?"

John now shrugged his shoulders. "I just helped support them. We broke it up so that it wouldn't be too much on them. I took Rodney half way and got him settled and then went back for Ronon. Then I took Rodney on to the cave and returned to help Ronon. I knew they were hurting pretty badly and I hated to move them, but I had no idea what the nights were like or if they had animals big enough to be a danger. I needed for them to be inside where I could protect them."

"So you actually made the trip to the cave three times that day?" asked Kate.

"Oh, crap, he did it more than that," said Rodney, realizing for the first time just far Sheppard must have walked that day with a concussion and bruised ribs. "After he got us in the cave, he made a couple of trips to gather supplies that had fallen out of the jumper and then he gathered wood for a fire. And just for the record, Carson said he had a pretty bad concussion, not just a bump on the head. It's a wonder he didn't collapse."

John fiddled with the bottom of his t-shirt. "It was fine, McKay. I was just doing what needed to be done."

The discussion continued for over two hours, with each team member adding things as they remembered. Little by little, Ronon and Rodney began to understand how much John had worried about them when he was away and how much he'd driven himself, terrified they would die. Kate also asked questions to Rodney and Ronon about when they had seen John eating and she had then confronted John about the times he had told them he had already eaten or would eat later. By bringing up the times Rodney or Ronon had seen him throwing up, she was also able to get some information about times they hadn't known of. By the time they had finished, John's friends had a better understanding about why he'd lost so much weight and the sacrifice he'd made to ensure they survived. They were also beginning to understand why he'd been so sick and it had been so hard for him to recover.

When Kate announced they'd done enough for one day, all three were emotionally wrung out. They had each confessed moments of hopelessness in which they were sure they would die on that planet. They also had a new respect and appreciation for the suffering the others had had to deal with. Both Rodney and Ronon saw John in a different light. Instead of the painfully thin and weak-looking body, they now saw someone who had completely disregarded their own pain and fatigue in order to care for them and ensure that they survived, even if it had meant that he didn't. They saw the strength of body and will that had pushed him to be able to make the trek for food and water and supplies, even past the point where most people would have collapsed. Rodney said Sheppard had forced them to survive through sheer stubbornness, and Kate wasn't sure that he wasn't right.

"Thanks for doing that for me, guys," said John as they walked down the hall toward the mess hall. "I know that wasn't easy."

"Kate's probably right," admitted Rodney. "I have a feeling that was good for all of us. I hated every second of it, but now that's it's over, I actually feel better."

"Sort of like when you have a good cry," said Ronon. Rodney and John stopped dead in their tracks and stared at one another, both silently asking the other if they'd heard right.

Curiosity got the best of Rodney, but he moved on the other side of John as he asked, "What did you say?"

Ronon stopped to look at them curiously. "I said it's like when you have a good cry. Teyla has told me when her emotions build up to a certain point, she just sits and cries for a while. She hates the crying and it makes her head hurt, but then later she feels better. I believe I remember hearing my mother speak of doing this as well." Ronon stared at the two men, their mouths still slightly open, and narrowed his eyes. "You didn't think I meant _me_ did you?"

Rodney and John looked briefly back at one another and smiled nervously. "No, of course not," said John.

"No, are you crazy? Why would we ever think that?" said Rodney, laughing in too high of a pitch.

Ronon grunted. "I hope not." He turned and headed for the mess hall with Rodney and John following behind and trying not to laugh.

oOo

_John woke on the ground at the foot of the hill, below the cave and realized that he must have passed out. He had no idea how long he'd been gone this time. He kept getting lost and passing out, and it felt like he'd been gone for days. Climbing the hill as fast as he dared, he entered the cave, stumbling to his hands and knees. "Sorry guys, got lost," he panted._

_When he got no answer, he looked up at Ronon and Rodney, both lying on the floor of the cave, unseeing eyes staring at the ceiling. Fear clutched him and moved forward, knowing he needed to check their pulse, to find out if they were really both dead. He'd let them down. He hadn't been here when they needed him. As he crawled between the two men, movement caught his eye. He looked at Rodney for several moments before realizing what it was. Maggots. They were both covered in maggots, making it look like their flesh was crawling. _

_John backpedaled as fast as he could, feeling the bile rise up his throat._

John almost erupted out of bed, panicking as he tried to get untangled from the sheets so he could get to the bathroom. His feet hit the floor, but the sheet was still wrapped around his ankles and as he tried to lurch forward, he tripped and fell, his right side crashing through the night stand and shattering it beneath his still healing ribs. The wind knocked out of him, he tried to gasp for air as he hit the ground, further jarring him and igniting the fire in his gut. He began vomiting before he could lift his head off the floor, choking as he struggled to suck in air and empty his stomach at the same time.

The hard, spastic muscle contractions that were now giving him the dry heaves were multiplying the fiery pain surging through his right side. That coupled with his coughing as he tried to clear his lungs were making him feel like he was suffocating. His head swam and the world began fading out as he fought to get enough air. Darkness finally closed in and he lost the battle to stay conscious.

TBC


	23. Chapter 23

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 23**

He felt pain like something almost familiar. Taunting him but not tearing him apart like he was used to feeling. It was a soft throb in his temples, an ache in his muscles, a slight burn in his side. It didn't scare him away from the light this time, as it had before. Then he had scurried back into the warm darkness where the pain couldn't find him. But now he was ready to venture towards the light and to that end he tried to open his eyes, only they felt glued shut. He tried to lift a hand to rub them, feeling something pulling on the skin of the back of it. But he managed to flop it against his face only to feel something strange in his nose. Tubing. He tried to pull at it but something gripped his wrist, forcing his arm down.

Panic fluttered inside him and he forced his eyes open, blinking hard to bring into focus the face looming over him. Ronon. He watched Ronon's mouth move, heard him calling out to someone, then another face was looming over him.

Carson was smiling. "Good to see you back with us, Colonel," he said in his soft brogue.

"Wh-what...happened?" It hurt to ask because his throat felt raw and dry. John closed his eyes and tried to swallow and that made him whimper. Then he felt cool wetness against his lips and when he opened them an ice chip was pushed inside. It felt like heaven.

"Why don't you rest now and we'll talk later," Carson countered.

John opened his eyes, wishing he could shake his head. He had to settle for whispering, "No. Now." He knew something had happened, something had changed. The last thing he remembered was being in his room. Vaguely he remembered the nightmare that had sent him catapulting out of his bed. Then pain and feeling sick, but it was jumbled in his head. At the moment he wasn't sure any of it was actually real. Maybe he was still in the infirmary after being rescued from the cave. But that couldn't be right. John felt the panic flaring up again until a hand touched his shoulder. He stared at Carson, seeing the concern in the blue eyes.

Heaving a sigh, Beckett nodded. "I'll tell you then. You'll have to fill in the blanks for us later, but we found you in your room. Unconscious. You'd fallen and hurt yourself. Re-broke your ribs and punctured a lung. You were in surgery for three hours."

He didn't remember any of that and one hand shifted, feeling for the wound. He knew it would be on the right side because that's the side that was sore, hitching a bit with every breath, so he felt carefully, but there wasn't even a bandage there. John stared at Carson with shock.

"You developed a fever from an infection," Carson continued, as if he didn't notice John's surprise. "You're resistance is so low it wasn't a surprise. But you drifted in an out for a few days, you gave everyone quite a scare in fact. But now you're on the mend, Colonel."

"How...long?" John knew that Carson wasn't telling him everything. He knew that something felt wrong.

Carson didn't seem surprised by the question, but he did hesitate before replying. "Twelve days." He pointed a finger at John's face. "Hence the feeding tube."

John hadn't expected to hear that. Nearly two weeks of his life, gone. Two weeks like the time in the cave. Two more weeks setting him back all that much further. He felt a surge of despair along with the disbelief that overwhelmed him. He kept taking one baby step forward, stumbling as he went, only to fall back twenty giant steps every time. "No...no.." he whispered, shaking his head in denial, which made the tube, which was taped to his cheek, tug painfully on his skin.

"Easy, Colonel," Carson beseeched him, moving to grip his head firmly. He waited until John was looking at him to say, "You need to look at this in the positive. The time you slept helped your body to heal. You needed to be still to let your ribs heal and you needed the rest. The most negative aspect is the feeding tube, which I'm going to remove tonight. But I don't think you actually lost all that much and we'll get you back to eating soon enough. You will gain it back.

"No...can't..." It still hurt to talk and John felt like he was going to suffocate. It was too much to take. Too big a failure. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't face it anymore. He wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. He need to get out of here. He started clawing at the tube in his nose, trying to grip it but he was so damn weak and his arms were too heavy. Then Carson was pinning him and calling for a nurse and John didn't have the strength to fight against him. He just lay there, fighting against the sting of tears, until he felt a rush of warmth in his veins, then darkness claimed him.

OoO

When he came awake again, Rodney was there, sitting in a cushioned chair, hunched over his lap top. John noticed his brace was gone and said as much. "It's...gone." Still hurt to talk.

"What's gone?" Rodney asked, not looking up. Then it seemed to hit him that John was talking to him and he nearly dropped his lap top in his hurry to get to his feet and over to the bed. He caught it and eased it onto the chair, then stepped over to John. "How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Are you in pain? Want an ice chip?"

The Rodney babble was oddly comforting to John. He shook his head, realizing that the feeding tube was gone. He was glad in the sense that it made him a bit more comfortable. But then he focused on Rodney and said, "The brace...it's gone."

Rodney nodded, albeit a bit cautiously. "Most of the time," he allowed. "I still have to wear it when I'm on my feet a lot. But not much longer."

"I'm glad." John meant it. He wanted Rodney to get better. He wanted someone to be normal again.

"Sure you don't want some ice?" Rodney persisted, even as he reached for the cup.

Because it was easier to accept, than to argue, John nodded. He opened his mouth for the chip and closed his eyes as it melted and brought relief to his sore throat. He heard movement beside him, footsteps approaching, and opened his eyes to see a nurse heading towards him with a big basin.

Rodney grinned at him. "Sponge bath time, Colonel. The nurses have been arguing amongst themselves over who gets to...ya know...wash you."

"I'm sure," John replied, feeling and odd sort of detachment at what was happening. He knew he was thin and sickly and that maybe in the past nurses had flirted with him and such, but now he knew they would feel nothing but professionalism towards him and their job. He was nothing but a mess. A sad and useless sack of skin and bones. But he shared none of what he was thinking with Rodney. Instead he just smiled when Rodney said his goodbyes. He then let the nurse take his vitals before pulling the privacy curtain to wash him up. He closed his eyes then, tuning out her pleasant chattering as she worked. He felt the sponge moving over his body, but felt distanced from it.

When it was over he managed to smile at the nurse and thank her. She left the curtain closed after leaving, not that John cared. He simply stared at the ceiling, feeling weak and tired and worn out to his very soul. "I wish I had died on the planet," he whispered, because no one was there to listen. Then he closed his eyes against the sting of tears, willing himself to drift into oblivion.

OoO

Rodney had stuck around while the nurse did her thing with Sheppard. He figured the Colonel would enjoy some company for a while. In fact he'd been about to push aside the curtain and step inside when he heard Sheppard whisper that he wished he died on the planet. Hearing Sheppard, of all people, wish such a thing shocked Rodney to the very core of his being. The Colonel never gave up on anyone, and Rodney never thought he would give up on himself.

Backing away from the curtain, Rodney hurried out of the Infirmary. He had to talk to Elizabeth.

His talk with her led to an impromptu conference. Rodney sat beside Elizabeth, watching as the others filed in and took their seats. Beckett, Kate, Teyla, and Ronon rounded out the group. Rodney listened as Elizabeth told them what Sheppard had said. They showed varying degrees of surprise. Rodney noticed Ronon looked angry, but he said nothing. Not a surprise. The Satedan was a man of few words.

"So what do we do?" Elizabeth asked, throwing the question out to each of them.

A heavy silence was her reply. Rodney could tell that no one knew what to do next. Not even Kate. Which made his heart constrict in his chest. He had rather expected her to say they just needed to offer John support or something. At the very least he had expected Teyla to jump in with reassurances that they would fight for John to get better. Maybe meditation or something. Or Carson could suggest voodoo. Something. Anything.

Eventually it was Elizabeth who spoke. "Maybe we should send him back to Earth," she said slowly, and there was a heaviness in her tone that filled the room.

Rodney was stunned and his mouth opened, only to close again. He didn't know what to say to that. He didn't know how to argue against it.

"Maybe it's for the best," Carson interjected, looking almost like he wanted to cry. "The Colonel has worked so hard to get better, and we've done everything we can to support him...but it just doesn't seem to be enough."

"I think Carson is right," Kate said, looking resigned. "Maybe a change of venue would be best. Maybe different faces and change of scenery will kick start the Colonel onto the road to recovery. Then he can come back when he's ready.

Rodney wanted to scream at her for that. For saying such stupid things. He wanted to point out how well Sheppard was doing and that he just needed a little more time, only he couldn't get the words out. Maybe because he didn't believe them. He wanted to believe, but Sheppard wasn't getting better. And facts were facts. No matter what they tried to do, no matter how hard Sheppard had tried to get better, he was only getting worse. Feeling the sting of tears, Rodney blinked hard then rubbed his eyes, hoping no one would notice.

Ronon suddenly blasted to his feet, hurling his chair back hard enough to slam into the wall far behind him. "That's it?" he demanded, his dark eyes taking in each and every one of them. Damning them with an icy glare of anger. "Sheppard has never given up on anyone!" Ronon's eyes moved to seek out Rodney, and Rodney flinched and sank into his chair. "He never gave up on us," Ronon said to him, making it personal. "But you're giving up on him." The disgust Ronon was feeling was plain in his tone. He looked at them all one last time, then he stormed out of the room.

"He's right," Teyla whispered, once Ronon was gone. "We're giving up."

"I know," Elizabeth replied, before burying her face in her hands.

Carson looked like he wanted to heave. "There's nothing more we can do. We've tried everything." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

Rodney rose from his chair, moving out of the room and following in Ronon's wake. The Runner was right. Sheppard never gave up on anyone. He was the reason Rodney was alive at this very moment. He owed Sheppard and he was going to pay in full.

OoO

Nick was sitting with Sheppard when Ronon stalked into the infirmary. He glared at the doc, who got up and gestured him away a bit.

"Is something wrong?" Nick asked.

"They gave up on Sheppard," Ronon replied. "They want to send him back to Earth."

Nick didn't look surprised. "I figured as much." He looked sad and resigned. "Thing is...I think the Colonel would just as soon go back this time. He's given up."

Ronon shook his head. "I won't let him." He pushed past Nick, moving to Sheppard's bedside. He stared at the thin and pale form of the man he considered both leader and friend. Then he reached out and touched him, strong fingers gently squeezing the fragile shoulder. When Sheppard's eyes opened and found his, Ronon said, "They want to send you back."

"It's okay," John whispered. "It's better that I go."

"Better for who?" Ronon countered, anger blazing in his eyes. "You belong here!"

John shook his head, and the effort of that little motion seemed to wear him out. "I'm weak, Ronon. Nothing more than an invalid. I'm useless here."

Ronon couldn't believe what he was hearing. He couldn't believe that Sheppard really was giving up. It wasn't acceptable. "ENOUGH!" Ronon roared, and he saw Sheppard flinch in reaction. Then the blue-green eyes were on him, wide and glittering with fear and confusion. Ronon thought maybe a little fear would be good for him. The right kind of fear. But for all that he gentled his voice. "I won't listen to your bullshit," he stated.

"Bullshit?" John echoed, looking stunned.

"You taught me the word and it's meaning," Ronon reminded him. And it fit this situation perfectly. Sheppard was buying into the bullshit that he was used up and should be put out to pasture. It's what happened to warriors when they got old, but Sheppard wasn't old and he wasn't used up. He was just tired. But they could do something about that. Ronon could help him rest and regain his strength.

John stared at Ronon for a long moment, then he blinked and closed his eyes. "Right," he whispered. "I remember. Ronon...I'm sorry I failed."

Ronon tapped him on the face until Sheppard was looking at him again. "So stop."

"Stop?" John looked confused.

"Stop failing yourself, because you haven't me or anyone else. Just yourself." Ronon held the tired gaze, watching as understanding dawned. Watching as Sheppard pushed it away, not willing to fight now.

Dropping his gaze, John replied, "I'm tired."

Ronon took his face in one hand, making him look at him. "I will help you rest, then we will make the journey back together."

"What journey?" For a moment John looked intrigued.

"The journey back to yourself, body and soul," Ronon replied. It was a journey he had been forced to make long ago. It was a journey Sheppard had made in little ways. A journey over hills and valleys, but now he faced a mountain. "We survived in the cave as a team because you kept us strong. We will make this journey as a team and you will be strong again."

But John shook his head. "I can't...I can't do it."

Rodney had arrived in time to hear the end of Ronon's speech, and he moved to stand beside the Satedan, his eyes locked on John as he replied, "Yes, you can. We can do this, Sheppard. The three of us...together."

"Will you try?" Ronon beseeched Sheppard.

"I.." John was about to refuse, it was obvious to see, when he suddenly nodded and whispered, "Okay. I'll try." Then his eyes drifted closed.

Ronon was willing to let him sleep. He looked at McKay and nodded, accepting his offer to join them. They were a team after all. Then he moved to grab two chairs. He offered one to McKay then straddled his own, settling in to keep vigil. From this moment on, Sheppard would never be alone.

OoO

John hadn't known what to expect when he agreed to let Ronon and Rodney help him. He didn't know that while he slept, Elizabeth and Carson and Kate had come to argue with Ronon. That they truly believed John would be better off back on Earth. But between Ronon's steadfast determination and Rodney's all out begging, they had agreed to give Ronon two weeks to work with John. If he didn't show a marked improvement by then, then he would go back to Earth when the Daedalus arrived a week after that.

Agreeing with Ronon meant John was never left alone. Ronon or Rodney were with him at all times. In fact, they took over the nurses duties, other than taking vitals. The first day after John agreed to their help, Ronon bullied Carson into removing John's catheter. John had even argued against that, since he felt too weak to get up to go to the bathroom and he hated using a urinal. But once the catheter was gone he did feel a bit better. He hadn't been to pleased, however, when Ronon had lifted him out of bed, taking him to the bathroom and helping him. Then came a shower with a naked Satedan holding him and washing him, then dressing him in his own sweat pants and t-shirt.

To John's surprise he felt better once he was laid back on the bed. The carrying thing bugged him a bit, especially the ease with which Ronon did it, but he felt more human now that he was freshly scrubbed from head to toe, and dressed in his own things. To the point where he didn't argue when Rodney made him eat some broth. John was so weak he couldn't hold the spoon without trembling and having Rodney feed him gave him pause at first, but it was only for about three spoonfuls before he fell asleep.

The hardest part of agreeing to Ronon's plan was not getting anymore sedatives. The drugs had helped him sleep without dreaming, but Ronon insisted he go off them. So even when he simply dozed off, a nightmare took shape. But before it could overwhelm him, John heard Ronon calling him out of it and the shadows faded away to the reality and he knew that his team was safe. He knew because they were both in front of him. Ronon whittling something out of wood and Rodney typing on his laptop. He basked in their presence for a moment, then let his eyes drift closed again. This time he slept without dreaming and without the drugs keeping him from a true and healing slumber.

When he woke up again, Rodney was there with lunch. More broth. But John was able to hold the spoon himself. He ate half the bowl, feeling a bit too full but it was staying down which felt like an accomplishment in itself. Then Ronon was there to carry him to the bathroom, which made John ask if he could use the wheelchair instead.

"This is better," Ronon replied. "This is a goal for you to reach for." As he spoke he made his way to the bathroom.

"A goal?" John questioned. Because he couldn't see how being carried like he was a child as a goal in any way, shape, or form.

Ronon reached the bathroom and settled him on his feet, supporting John as he relieved himself. "When you're ready you'll try to walk here," he replied. "The wheel chair makes you too dependant."

Letting Ronon ease him over to the sink, John managed to lean against the counter supporting his own weight for a shaky moment while he washed his hands. And that's when the light bulb went on and he got what Ronon was doing. The wheel chair was a crutch which John was accepting too willingly. But he would fight harder to be on his feet if his only other option was to be carried like a baby. "You're pretty slick," John complimented the Satedan, and he was smiling as he said it.

"I've learned a few things from you," Ronon countered. Then he was scooping John back in his arms, taking him back to bed.

John was learning too and the next day he walked to the bathroom. He didn't make it back on his own, but getting there was half the battle. He managed to get more soup down and half a cup of Carson's goop. Then he slept for a few hours, dreaming but waking himself up this time. He slitted his eyes open just enough to see Ronon sitting there, watching him, then he slipped back into a dreamless slumber.

Two days later Rodney was helping him to the bathroom for a shower. Which John intended to take on his own.

"Not a good idea," Rodney insisted. "If you fall I won't be able to get you back up."

"Sure you can," John replied, as he pushed away from Rodney's grip and started stripping. "Ronon can carry me with a brace on his leg."

Rodney interrupted with a snort and snarky, "That's because you weigh all of ten pounds soaking wet."

John laughed, not feeling insulted for once. "Then you should be able to pick me up no problem," he shot back. Which got a smile from Rodney, which made John smile back. It felt weird to smile, like his face wasn't used to it, but John liked the feeling. He was down to boxers and he waved at Rodney. "You can turn around or get a show," he warned, then he stepped out of the boxers and into the shower.

"You've got five minutes," Rodney told him. "Then I'll drag you out."

"Five minutes," John confirmed, hoping his legs would hold him that long. He'd already been up and walking around his little private area, without Beckett's knowledge. He knew he had to use his muscles if he wanted to get stronger. He had stumbled a couple of times, but he was getting stronger and that made something positive bloom in his chest. Something that felt almost like hope.

OoO

Elizabeth crept into the infirmary. It was late and she should have been in bed and asleep, but she'd had a few things to catch up on and late night was a good time to get the privacy she needed to get finish up. Before heading off to bed she wanted to check on John. Which meant checking up on Rodney and Ronon as well, because one of them was with John at all times and they both slept in the infirmary at night.

Slipping over to John's corner of the infirmary, Elizabeth smiled to see him curled up on his side, sleeping soundly. He was still pale and far too thin, but there was a hint of color to his cheeks, that was visible even in the dim light, and he looked almost normal without any tubes or IV's sticking out of him for once.

"Doctor Weir."

She jumped at the sound of a voice behind her. Turning she found Nick smiling at her. "You scared me," Elizabeth accused, but she was smiling as she said it.

Nick nodded. "Sorry." He didn't sound it.

"How is he?" she asked, gesturing to John. Not that Nick wouldn't have known who she meant anyway. He was their star patient after all.

"He's doing better," Nick replied, waving for Elizabeth to step away so they could talk without disturbing anyone.

Elizabeth followed, noticing that Ronon's eyes had opened, but closed as they moved away. She was glad he was watching over John. "Better as in we won't have to send him back to Earth?" she queried.

Nick shrugged. "Not my call, but if it was, I'd say yes. I mean...don't get me wrong, we're not out of the woods yet and he could have set backs and...I'm sure he will. But he's doing so much better than before. Attitude is everything."

"Faith isn't the only thing that can move mountains," Elizabeth replied. "Hope can too."

"Ronon and Dr. McKay have given him that hope." Nick was smiling as he spoke. "I think Ronon in particular understands the Colonel's mind set. He's setting goals for him that are challenging, but reachable. Goals that Sheppard needs to achieve and he's determined to do just that."

Elizabeth felt something inside her break away. The lump of fear and doubt that had been roiling in her stomach for weeks. "Is he gaining weight?"

Nick winced. "Not much, but he's only just started eating toast and drinking half a can of ensure. The walking he's doing burns some calories, but he needs to move around too, to build up muscle mass and endurance."

"But he's going to get better this time, isn't he?" Elizabeth felt like she could finally believe that.

"I'm not going to make promises," Nick demurred. "That's tempting fate in my book. But I have hope now too."

Elizabeth patted him on the shoulder, she could sympathize with him completely. She didn't want to tempt fate either. "Hope is all we need," she said softly. Then she took one last look at Sheppard before heading off to bed. For the first good night's sleep in as long as she could remember.

**THE END...of part 23**


	24. Chapter 24

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 24**

A week slid by with an ease that surprised John. Before he knew it he was stepping on the scale for another - dreaded - weigh in and Beckett was almost cheering. He had gained one pound. Seemed ridiculous to get so excited over something to menial, but John felt a smile curving his own mouth. It shouldn't feel like a victory, and yet it really was.

"Well done, Colonel," Carson praised him.

"Give Ronon all the credit," John demurred, gesturing at the Runner who was standing with arms crossed over his chest and grinning broadly. "He's practically been shoveling food in me." And by food John meant goop and toast and broth and bland oatmeal for the most part. But he had managed to eat what passed for a grilled cheese sandwich for the past two days. And the dreaded cans of ensure. John was up to two a day.

Carson looked ready to reply to John, but Weir had appeared and cut him off to say, "Don't sell yourself short, John. You've worked hard to get to this point. I know I'm proud of you."

John felt pleased by her words, but a bit disgruntled as well. He should be helping her run things in Atlantis, not feeling good about gaining a stupid pound. But he knew he needed to take each goal he reached, however small, as a positive step in the right direction. "Thanks," he said, nodding to her.

"So, can Sheppard stay?" Ronon interjected, his focus on Elizabeth.

"There's one more thing the Colonel needs to do before I can make that decision," she replied. Then she turned to look at John. "I want you to have a session with Kate. What she tells me about your progression will help me make my decision. But I will say this, things are looking good in favor of you staying here."

John could accept that, for now. "Fine, I'll talk to Kate." He would do whatever it took and he felt there was nothing to hide. From anyone any more, really.

Rodney came striding in just in time to hear what John said. "Talk to her later," he stated, looking pleased with himself. "We have places to go and things to see." He then turned to Carson and asked, "Did you sign him out yet?"

"What?" John was surprised by what he was hearing. He looked at Beckett. "I'm free to go?" He hadn't expected to be released yet."

"Aye," Carson replied. "I told Rodney and Ronon that once you gained a pound, you could go back to your room."

John nodded, not sure how to reply. He was glad he could go on the one hand, but a part of him felt a little freaked by it. He wasn't sure he was ready to be on his own, but no way in hell was he going to admit that to any of them. But the truth was, the infirmary had become a safe haven for John. Not just because of the place, he knew, but because of Rodney and Ronon's ever presence. But it wasn't like he wouldn't be able to see them when needed, so John shook of his anxiety and smiled. "Guess I'm out of here then."

Rodney caught his arm when he took a step towards the door. "Ronon and I have something to show you."

"Like what?" John frowned at McKay, uncertain if he was going to like whatever was up Rodney's sleeve.

"It's a surprise," Rodney shot back, exchanging a glance with Ronon.

It was the big guy who stated, "Trust us," to John.

Which he was willing to do. It was his trust in them that was getting him through his present hell. So John nodded. "Fine. Where are we going?"

"Follow me." Rodney grabbed him by the shirt sleeve and tugged him towards the door."

"Let go," John said, batting Rodney's hand away, but he was grinning. In a sense he was finally free. He felt Ronon fall into step behind them, then the three of them were stepping into a transporter. Rodney kept beaming in a way that made John want to slap him, but he figured he could let Rodney have his fun. For now. Two transporter rides later, they were in an unfamiliar hallway.

Rodney led him to the first door on the right. "We're here," he announced, dramatically.

John rolled his eyes. "And where is here, exactly."

"Our new digs." Rodney tapped the door panel and it slid open. He waved for John to enter.

"Our new digs?" John echoed, even as he stepped inside. It turned out to be a suite of rooms that were comfortably furnished.

Rodney stepped up beside him to point things out. "Two bedrooms. I picked the one on the left. Yours is over there." He pointed to the right doorway. "We already brought our things and some of yours, but you can pick up whatever you think you'll need. It's not like it's a permanent arrangement."

John was confused. "What does this mean?" He turned to Ronon for a quick and simple explanation.

"We'll live here until you're ready to leave," the Runner explained. "Consider it our cave."

"Oh." John hadn't expected this, but he knew what Ronon meant. They had survived the Cave against all odds, now the suite would replace the infirmary, offering a positive safe place for them all. They were on their own again, but without the need to survive against all odds. They could simply live and be safe. "Whose idea was it?" John asked.

Rodney raised his hand. "I figure it would be a good way to wean you back into the old life. For all of us." He held John's gaze as he spoke.

It made John feel better to realize that maybe Rodney needed this too. So he made a show of looking about for a moment, then asked Ronon, "Where are you going to sleep?" He was guessing the couch, although it looked like it might be too short for the big guy.

"Sleeping roll in your room on the floor," Ronon replied. "And don't argue. When you're ready you can kick me out."

"So you're good with this?" Rodney asked, looking a bit anxious and hopeful.

John nodded. "Yeah, I'm good with it." He clapped Rodney on the shoulder then said, "Anyone feel like lunch?"

OoO

True to his word, John met with Kate two days later. She actually had to cancel on him before then, not that he minded. It allowed him time to settle into the new arrangement. Truthfully, John was glad to have Rodney and Ronon still with him. And he said as much when Kate asked him about it.

"Why?" she countered, settling into one of the chairs they'd brought out to the balcony.

"I still need to know they're safe," John replied. He shifted about in his own chair, trying to get comfortable but not quite managing it. Although he knew his physical discomfort was merely a projection of his discomfort in talking with Kate right now. He would do it, but he wasn't happy about it.

Kate nodded then said, "But you know they're safe, Colonel. Is it that you need to see them to believe it?"

John considered the question before answering it. "I guess I do," he allowed. "Being able to see them when I have a nightmare keeps me grounded." Which was more of a confession than he really wanted to make.

"How are your nightmares?" Kate queried.

"Better." John made himself relax against the chair, focusing his eyes on the endless water off the balcony. "I'm sleeping better than I did in the infirmary, which I think is more the fact that the bed is way more comfortable than anything in the infirmary." He chuckled as he spoke and watched Kate smile with him. Then he continued. "I think the rest is helping me have more control over my subconscious mind. I'm not so worn out so I can deal with it better."

She looked intrigued. "You're probably right. Do you think being with you is helping Rodney and Ronon as well?"

John nodded. "I think it's helping Rodney at least. I think Ronon was fine with everything that's happened to us. He's been handling it the best."

"I have a feeling he's suffered a few nightmares of his own," Kate countered.

"After seven years on the run, I don't doubt that," John agreed. "But he still has a different mind set than the rest of us. He's helping me realize that and deal with my own shit."

Kate was quiet a moment, looking reflective. She stared out at the water as he was, then quietly said, "Do you think maybe the three of you might be becoming too dependant on each other? That maybe you're relying on each other more than you should?"

John felt a flare of anger at her words, but doused it. He knew she could never understand what happened to them, and how hard it was to deal with the aftermath. But he wanted her to have at least and honest realization of what it meant to survive what they had survived. But first he wanted to clarify exactly what she meant. "You mean me, don't you? You think I'm too dependant."

"Yes." Kate didn't deny it.

"So...does this mean you think I should go back to Earth?" John needed to know, but asking the question made his stomach twist into knots of dread.

Kate turned her head and locked eyes with him. "No, I don't think that at all," she replied. "I just want you to be aware of what's really happening here. If you use Rodney and Ronon as a crutch, what happens when they do drift away from you? Will you crumple or will you still be standing?"

John ran a hand through his hair, once again being reminded that he needed a hair cut. But he shook that idle thought aside and said, "There's nothing I can say to convince you that this is a good thing. I can't because...maybe you're right. Or maybe you just don't understand what it's like to survive what happened. All I know is that I need this right now."

"Okay." Kate offered a warm smile. "Just be careful."

"I will." John rose from his seat and reached for his chair. "Are we done?"

Kate nodded. "We're done." She waved John away. "I'm going to sit here for a while."

He turned to go but paused to ask, "What are you going to tell Weir?"

"That she should let you stay," Kate replied, without hesitation.

"Thank you." John meant it. He felt relief wash over him and it made him a bit dizzy. But then he was heading out the door without waiting for Kate's reply. He dropped the chair off where it belonged, then went for a walk, feeling a bit restless. And all the while Kate's words replayed in his head, until he mentally turned them off.

OoO

The Daedalus would arrive in three days. Elizabeth had confirmed that John could stay on Atlantis and he and everyone else was happy about that. Along with the fact that he'd gained another half pound.

The living arrangement with Rodney and Ronon seemed to be working out. John was sleeping well with only a few bad moments. A few nightmares that were mild enough he could wake himself from them. But each time he couldn't help but ask himself if Kate was right.

Tonight he didn't dream because he couldn't sleep. Long after Ronon and Rodney were snoring, John lay awake, staring at the ceiling. Finally he slipped out of bed and pulled on jeans and stuffed his feet into sneakers. He could feel Ronon watching him. "I'm just going for a walk," John told him.

"Can't sleep?" Ronon countered.

"I think it was that candy bar at supper," John replied. It was a fib but a good one. It had been his first candy in months and he was still feeling the buzz from it. "I won't be gone long."

Ronon nodded. "I'll come find you if you are." That said he closed his eyes.

John slipped out of the room and roamed the corridors for a while. He didn't have a definitive destination in mind, or so he believed, until he ended up in front of his old room. He thought the door open and stepped inside. It felt strange to be here. His eyes shifted to the spot by his bed where he knew he'd fallen. The night stand had been replaced. It was a different stand but everything else looked the same. He was the only thing that had truly changed.

Exhaling a shuddery breath, John moved to the bed and sat down. He kicked off his sneakers and stretched out, shifting a bit till he was comfortable. He lay there for a long time, staring at the ceiling and willing his heart rate to slow down. He could almost feel his heart thumping against his rib cage. He could do this. He could be alone.

After a time he let his eyes drift closed. John didn't feel himself fall asleep. He dreamed about the cave and the Wraith, only this time he showed up in time to shoot the bastard before it could feed on Rodney or Ronon. When the Wraith howled in anger before dying, John jolted awake. He wasn't afraid.

Closing his eyes again, John drifted off to sleep. He never saw Ronon slip into the room and keep vigil for a time. He simply slept without dreaming.

OoO

By the time Caldwell was due to arrive, John had gained another pound and had started working out with Teyla. Mostly stretching. He did that for half an hour, then headed to the mess hall to eat. By mutual agreement he was back in his own room and no longer using a food buddy. John was being trusted to take care of himself again. No one made a fuss about it and he appreciated that. Elizabeth had even agreed to let him start back to work on light duty as of today. So John grabbed a quick breakfast of oatmeal and milk and managed to eat half of it.

His next stop was his room for a quick shower. Then he got dressed, gelled his newly cut hair, and prepared himself to getting back to his former life. Still moving in baby steps, but it was moving forward and that was all that mattered. Smiling to himself, John grabbed his radio and tucked it in his ear. It had been so long since he'd worn one it felt strange. But a good strange.

He was just heading out the door when he heard a bit of static then Elizabeth's voice.

"Major Lorne...what the-"

John frowned as Elizabeth's response broke off. There was more static then Elizabeth said something that made his blood run cold.

"Kolya! Release my men!" Elizabeth sounded scared and angry.

"Kolya," John whispered, even as he reached into his drawer to retrieve his side arm. He strapped it on, hoping Elizabeth would say something more, but the radio went silent. John tapped it but got nothing. This was bad. Kolya was back on Atlantis and John knew he wasn't in any condition to face off with the man. But it was obvious he had Lorne and his team hostage and John couldn't let that happen. He couldn't let Kolya take Atlantis.

Slipping out of his room, John headed down the hall and into the nearest transporters. He needed more weapons and his team. Together they would take Kolya out. They had survived certain death, so this would be a piece of cake.

**THE END...of part 24**

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	25. Chapter 25

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 25

John raced out of the transporter and down the hall, desperately hoping to get more information from the radio. He was afraid to use it to contact his team or other soldiers for fear Kolya was listening. He rounded the corner to see Teyla and Ronon headed his way.

"Teyla, Ronon, thank goodness. We've got big problems. Have you seen Rodney?"

"I believe Dr. McKay was going to the infirmary for some Tylenol," answered Teyla. "What has happened?" She stared down at Sheppard's gun, rising anxiety beginning to fuel her adrenalin pump.

"I just picked up part of a radio transmission from Elizabeth demanding that Kolya release her men. He must be here in the city, I'm assuming the control room, and I doubt he's alone. We need more men and weapons."

Ronon nodded. "We'll head to the armory for weapons and we should be able to pick up some people on the way."

"Good," said John. "I'll hit the infirmary and get Rodney and anyone else I see and have Beckett lock the place down. We need to get to the control room as soon as possible and see if we can contain them. We'll meet you in the armory in a few minutes."

Teyla and Ronon nodded and moved quickly down the corridor as John headed for the infirmary. He arrived a few minutes later to find Rodney and Carson sitting in Carson's office.

"Rodney, Carson, we've got problems. It looks like Kolya has somehow gotten through and taken over the control room. Rodney, you come with me and Carson, see if you can lock up the infirmary until you hear from one of us."

Rodney stood, looking unsure. "Why do you need me? Maybe I should stay and help Carson."

"Because I want to see inside the control room so I can figure out what we're dealing with before we go rushing in there. You're the man that is most likely to make that happen."

Rodney nodded and one corner of his mouth turned up slightly. "Well, that is true, I'm probably the only one who could figure out how to do that soon enough to be of any use."

John winked at Carson as the doctor rolled his eyes. "Exactly. I need you to put that genius of yours to work. So, are you coming?"

"Sorry, Carson, you'll have to handle this on your own. Looks like I'm needed to save the day, as usual."

Carson swallowed. "Gee, Rodney, I'll try to get by without you." He watched them leave the infirmary and headed out to start locking down the section. "Be careful," he whispered to them as they disappeared.

oOo

By the time they met up at the armory, they had collected ten marines to help them and Rodney had a plan for getting a glimpse of the control and gate room. There had been no radio activity since the initial burst Sheppard had picked up, so they had no more information to go on. They headed toward the compromised area, formulating a plan as they went, until Kolya's voice filled the complex.

"This is Commander Kolya of the Genii. My men have taken the area immediately surrounding the gate and are in full control. So far, no one has been seriously injured, but I do not promise that will remain the case. Colonel Sheppard, you will report to me unarmed within ten minutes, or I will begin killing people . . . and I will begin with Dr. Weir."

The entire group had come to a dead stop in the hall to listen to the message. "Shit," John muttered as he turned to the rest of the rescue party. "Okay, change of plan." He had already started removing his vest and gun.

"What are you doing? You can't seriously be thinking about going in there?" asked Rodney, his voice near panic.

John was calm as he handed his weapons to Ronon. "I have no choice, Rodney. He'll kill Elizabeth . . . and you and I both know he'll do it. I'll try and stall him, find out what he wants –"

"You mean besides you," interrupted Rodney, still looking unhappy.

"Rodney, try to get that camera going while everyone else takes up positions around the control room, get in as close as you can. Once you know the situation, try to contact the Daedalus. See if they are close enough to beam some people into strategic locations in the room while the rest of you rush from outside. You'll need to be in radio contact, so find some obscure frequency Kolya won't be likely to stumble across in case he's monitoring. Ronon, you and Teyla coordinate the strike forces. Everyone set?"

They all nodded, looking worriedly at their CO as he prepared to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. "Be careful and try to keep that sarcastic mouth of yours shut," warned Rodney.

John grinned. "Now where's the fun in that?" He turned and jogged down the hall.

oOo

Kolya looked at his watch and then smiled as he leaned in closer to Elizabeth. "He's only got two minutes. Maybe he doesn't care if I shoot you." He chuckled lightly, knowing that wasn't the case as he remembered Sheppard's reaction once before when Weir's life had hung in the balance. He rolled his shoulder, aware of the ever-present ache and stiffness, thanks to one John Sheppard.

A commotion at one of the doors caught their attention. They watched as one of the men guarding the entrance grabbed someone and jerked them in the room, slamming them up against the wall as they checked for weapons. He then pulled the man away from the wall by the back of his shirt and propelled him towards Kolya. The commander was pleased to see the scowling face of the person he hated the most.

"Looks like you made it, Colonel Sheppard, and just in time. He walked around the pilot, looking him up and down as he made his circle. Sheppard looked dramatically different than the last time he'd seen him. "You've lost weight."

Sheppard smirked. "Thanks for noticing, Kolya. I had no idea you cared."

As Kolya came around beside him, his arm struck out lightning fast, the gun he was holding striking John across the side of the face and sending him sprawling on the floor.

"John!" yelled Elizabeth as she started to move forward to help him. The two soldiers on either side of her each grabbed an arm, holding her in place.

Kolya glared at her. "You will not move unless I tell you to, is that clear?"

She didn't answer, but looked down at John as he sat up and wiped the blood from the side of his face. "I see you haven't lost your sunny disposition," he said defiantly.

"Get up," demanded Kolya, his eyes cold and his expression hard. "You are weak, now, Sheppard, quite the disappointment. What happened to you anyway?"

John slowly got to his feet. "Just the usual . . . jumper crash, trapped on a planet for two weeks with very little food. Nothing exciting. You're welcome to come back in . . . say, three or four weeks, when I've had a chance to put on a little more weight."

Kolya laughed and he walked up to stand just in front of Sheppard, their faces only inches apart. "At least you haven't lost your tendency of making ill-timed sarcastic comments. I think I would miss that. And it would rob me of an excuse to do things like this."

He punched John in the stomach, causing the pilot to double over in pain, but at least managing to stay on his feet this time. Pain radiated out from his healing ribs, taking his breath away for a few seconds. Slowly he was able to straighten up and return Kolya's stare. "Glad I can be so entertaining. What do you want, Kolya?"

"You, Sheppard. I want you."

oOo

Rodney worked frantically at the computers, moving back and forth between two keyboards sitting side by side. "Radek, I need that camera on line _now_."

"I am working as fast as is humanly possible," countered Radek from across the room.

"Not good enough, work faster." Rodney listened to Radek mutter in Czech. That was fine as long as it made him work faster. He'd found the scientist in his lab and drug him down to one of the communications rooms they were setting up. Sheppard had insisted on having surveillance cameras set up in the gate room and control room after the Daedalus began making regular runs. He kept telling them how valuable they would have been during the Genii invasion of Atlantis during their first year in the city. The system had finally been approved and apparently the cameras installed while they were missing on the planet. The only thing that remained was bringing them online and getting the system started, which Rodney and Radek were attempting to do now. Fortunately, Sheppard had emphasized that the cameras should not look like cameras or they'd be immediately disabled by any hostile forces.

"Try it now, Rodney," came Radek's voice, nervous and slightly higher pitched than normal.

Rodney hit a series of keys and pictures began popping up on the four screens set up. "That's it Radek, we have it."

They sat together, taking in the scenes on the screens. Lorne and his team were kneeling on one side of the gate room, their hands bound behind them. One side of Lorne's face was bruised, his eye swollen almost shut. Two marines lay on the floor, unconscious or dead. Five other marines were kneeling on the other side of the room, also guarded by Genii. Kolya paced in the center of the gate embarkation area in front of Elizabeth and John. Elizabeth was being held by two guards, one at each arm. Sheppard was standing with three men guarding him, to each side and one behind.

"I count fifteen Genii," said Rodney.

"There are probably more at door as well," added Radek.

Rodney nodded, his mouth going dry. "Yeah, probably so."

As they watched, John was saying something to Kolya, but without audio, they had no idea what.

"What is he saying?" asked Radek.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "How should I know, I don't read lips. Probably telling Kolya his mother wears army boots or something equally annoying."

As if to back up Rodney's statement, Kolya suddenly whirled angrily around and stalked over to Sheppard, striking John in the face hard enough to knock him down. He then proceeded to kick him several times.

"Oh, crap," said Rodney. "Can we contact the Daedalus from here?"

"I think so," said Radek, fumbling nervously with the controls. "I will try."

"Hurry up," pleaded Rodney. "Sheppard's not moving any more."

oOo

Normally, when he returned to consciousness with someone calling to him, he was in a nice, soft infirmary and the voice addressing him was soothing. Not so today. The floor was cold and hard beneath him and the voice made him shiver.

"Colonel, you will open your eyes now or I will resume kicking you." Rough hands slapped him sharply on the cheek. Kolya. He forced his eyes open, not so much to avoid the punishment as to assess what had taken place while he was out. Kolya was kneeled down beside him, looking very pleased with himself.

"Ah, there you are. I was becoming worried about the length of time it has taken you to wake up, but Dr. Weir filled me in on your recent illness and injury that has hampered your recovery."

John managed to sit up, wiping blood from his face. He looked up at Elizabeth and felt anger coil his stomach into a tight knot. He narrowed his eyes and set his jaw at the sight of her split lip and swollen, already blackening eye. He tore his gaze away and glared at Kolya's smirking face. "So now you get your kicks hitting women? I never asked you if there was a Mrs. Kolya. Do you practice on her?"

"John, stop," pleaded Elizabeth, fearing that he would get himself killed.

John struggled to his feet. "Sorry, Elizabeth. He's going to kill me no matter what I do."

Kolya strolled over to John. "You are correct, Colonel Sheppard, I will kill you this time. But it can be slow or it can be fast." He turned and walked over to Elizabeth. "I want one of your ships loaded with food, water, medical supplies, and weapons. Colonel Sheppard will then fly it for me to a location of my choosing. My men will follow through the stargate on foot and we will leave you your city this time."

Elizabeth stared at him, her expression set, matching the determination in her voice. "You just told me you were going to kill Colonel Sheppard. I'm not giving you anything."

Kolya smiled. "Yes you will, Dr. Weir." He turned to one of his men standing behind the line of marines kneeling a few feet away and nodded. The Genii soldier stepped up behind the marine on the end, put his gun to the back of the man's head, and pulled the trigger.

The soldier died instantly, falling forward, face down on the floor. The man next to him cringed sideways, moving away from the spray of blood and gray matter. One of the women techs at the controls began to scream hysterically and tried to get up and run, resulting in one of the Genii hitting her over the head with his gun. Elizabeth jumped, shocked and startled to point she could barely catch her breath. John lunged for Kolya, only to have the man behind him strike him across the back with his rifle, once again knocking him to the floor. When John was able to lift his head, his eyes glittered with the intense hatred reserved for very few men.

"I _will_ kill you," he whispered.

Kolya lifted his foot and placed it on the back of John's neck, pressing him face first into the floor. He pressed so hard that John was finding it hard to breathe.

"It would be so easy to snap your neck right now."

"Kolya, wait . . . " Elizabeth stammered, trying desperately to buy time. "If you want that jumper, you need him alive to fly it."

Kolya looked at John's back for a few seconds before letting up on the pressure and removing his foot, leaving John coughing and holding his throat. "Yes, Dr. Weir. I will need you to order those supplies now or I'll have another man killed."

Elizabeth nodded and took the radio he gave her. "Lt. Bond, this is Dr. Weir."

"_Yes, ma'am, this is Lt. Bond. Are you all right Dr. Weir?"_

"I'm fine for now. I need you to load medical supplies, some food and water, and a variety of weapons into jumper four immediately."

There was a pause before the radio came back on. _"Ma'am . . . are you sure?"_

"Lt., they just killed one of our men. If we don't do this, he's going to kill more. Please, just do as I'm telling you."

"_Yes, ma'am. We're on it."_

Kolya had been standing close, listening to both sides of the exchange. "Nicely done, Dr. Weir. If you continue to cooperate, you may get out of here without losing anyone else."

Kolya walked over to where John had resumed sitting. "Get on your knees," he demanded.

Seeing Elizabeth's worried expression, John silently complied, his sides and stomach aching and his head spinning from the beating.

Kolya walked around behind him and bent over so that he was close to John's head. Grabbing a handful of the colonel's hair, he jerked his head back and pushed the muzzle of his gun to John's temple. "Are you ready to die, colonel?"

oOo

Rodney clicked the radio connection to the Daedalus. "You need to go soon, Colonel Caldwell. I think Kolya's about to lose it and kill Sheppard."

"_We're working on it, Dr. McKay. We're putting in the coordinates now. Make sure your people are in place and have them go the minute I tell you."_

"Got it!" said Rodney. "Ronon, Teyla, are you ready?"

Teyla looked across the hall at Ronon, who nodded. "Yes, Dr. McKay, we are ready to go as soon as you give the word."

"Okay, stand by," replied Rodney nervously. He was sitting with his finger on the button so he could contact them the minute the Daedalus gave the word. His eyes, however, were glued to the screen as he waited to see if Sheppard would manage to keep himself alive that long.

"Keep him quiet, Elizabeth, just a little bit longer," he whispered, wishing they could hear him.

oOo

"Any time you feel like you're man enough," replied John. Kolya pressed the gun into his flesh until it hurt and John held his breath, waiting for the bullet that would end his life. He only hoped he'd bought enough time to save everyone else trapped in the room.

"Kolya, no! You need him, remember?" Elizabeth felt her heart race in her chest as she tried to reason with Kolya. For an instant, she was sure he was going to kill John, and then he stood up and laughed.

"Relax, Dr. Weir, I'm not going to kill him yet. I have other plans."

John let out a long, deep breath, trembling slightly at the realization that he was still alive. He felt almost dizzy with relief. Just because he was willing to die didn't mean he wanted to.

Kolya handed the radio back to Elizabeth. "Find out about our jumper."

Elizabeth keyed the radio. "Lt. Bond, this is Dr Weir. How is the jumper coming?"

"_Almost done, Dr. Weir, about five more minutes."_

"Okay, Lt. thank you." Kolya grabbed the radio from her and looked to another one of the men he brought with him.

"Go ahead and dial the gate. I want to get out of here as soon the ship is ready."

The man nodded and went up the steps, stopping at the console with the DHD. He looked at it a few seconds and then dialed the requested address. A few seconds later, the familiar whoosh of the opening worm hole filled the room. Kolya smiled at Weir.

"I'll be out of here very soon now, Dr. Weir, and then you can go back to life as usual."

Elizabeth frowned. "You _must_ be kidding," she said as she looked at the body of the young marine on the floor, the pool of blood underneath his head spreading slowly out away from him.

Kolya followed her gaze. "He was a soldier, he expects he might die."

"A soldier expects to die in war, not to be murdered in cold blood by a madman," remarked John. "You don't even represent the Genii any more. You're nothing more than a rogue, a terrorist, a common murderer. You aren't fit to tie that soldier's shoe laces. _He_ was a real soldier, not you."

Kolya walked over to stand by John. "It's going to be such a pleasure to be able to kill you."

John smirked. "Funny . . . I was just thinking the same thing about you."

Bright light suddenly flashed in the room, followed quickly by another flash and the sound of people storming the room. John recovered faster, having been expecting the events, and was able to punch Kolya and knock him to the floor. It didn't take long to take out the shocked men supposedly guarding him. Adrenalin could be a wonderful thing. He tried to blink the spots away as he went to help Elizabeth. She had already taken down one of her guards and he quickly dispatched the other. He was about to ask her if she was okay when he felt something grab his shirt from behind and swing him around. He stumbled, but gained his footing just before his momentum sent him through the open wormhole. He turned to see mass chaos, but took heart in the fact that his side looked like they were winning. The sight of something barreling toward him caught his attention.

Elizabeth watched in horror as Kolya grabbed the back of John's shirt and pulled him around, sending him stumbling toward the open gate. Relief filled her as he was able to get stopped and turned back around to face her. She had just taken a step forward when Kolya rushed past her and hit Sheppard in the chest in a flying tackle that took them both through the stargate just moments before it shut down.

TBC


	26. Chapter 26

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 26

John and Kolya came out of the wormhole at the same speed they had entered, the momentum of the Genii's attack slamming John's back into the stone platform hard enough to fill his vision with dark spots. The colonel pulled loose from his attacker and rolled away, tumbling down stone steps into the grass. Pain exploded in his ribcage, stealing his breath away. John forced his eyes open as he pushed himself up on one elbow, panting for air and trying to find where Kolya went. Instead, he saw a 9mm on the ground approximately six feet in front of him.

John crawled forward a couple of feet before lunging for the gun. He was stopped a few inches short of his goal when Kolya's booted foot came down hard on his right hand. He grunted as Kolya ground his weight into the colonel's hand while bending over to pick up the gun.

"Looks like I'm back in control, Sheppard." Kolya backed up, relieving the pressure on John's hand. John lay gasping for a moment as the pain suddenly intensified, the opposite of what he had expected.

"Get up, Sheppard. We're getting out of here."

John managed to pull himself to a sitting position, cradling his injured hand next to his chest as he glared at Kolya. His head was spinning and his vision periodically grayed out, but he was trying not let Kolya know how weak he felt. "And what if I don't?"

Kolya quickly strode over to Sheppard and placed the gun next to his forehead. "Then you are of no use to me, and when you are of no use to me, you are dead."

John shifted his eyes up to meet Kolya's without moving his head. "Well, since you put it like that . . . "

Kolya backed away from Sheppard and smiled. "I thought you might see it my way." The smile slowly shifted into the grim expression of someone with little time or patience. "Now, get up or I'll shoot you where you sit."

John rolled over to his knees and pushed himself up with his left hand, keeping his right hand next to his body. He staggered for a moment, trying to get his balance while waiting for the dizziness to settle. His ribs were still screaming, but it was now a contest between them, his head, and his hand as to who was protesting the loudest.

Kolya moved in behind John and pushed him forward. "Walk. We've got to get away from the gate before your friends come."

John silently hoped they came soon, because he wasn't feeling very good about his present situation. Sometimes, being him really sucked. Actually, the last few weeks had sucked big time. How had he gone from stranded and starving on a barren planet to almost getting sent back to Earth to being Kolya's prisoner? Sometimes he wondered if someone was trying to tell him something . . . like maybe he had the worst luck ever and should just give up.

"How did you get into the gateroom?" John asked out of curiosity as much as to distract himself.

Kolya made a sound like a strangled laugh. "Far too easily, Colonel Sheppard. As I said, you have become weak. We simply set a trap for your men, although I had hoped it would be your team that we lured in. Once we overtook them, we simply sent their code to get Atlantis to lower the shield. Perhaps you should reconsider your security protocols, but I guess that will be left to your replacement."

"How did you even know Atlantis is still standing?"

Kolya smirked at that. "I may not be in good standing with the Genii people, but I still have connections that keep me informed. You would be surprised what I know. Stop talking and walk faster," said Kolya harshly, shoving him forward.

John stumbled and fell, automatically putting his hands out to catch himself. When his right hand slammed into the hard dirt, he literally saw stars. He was oblivious to everything but fiery pain radiating through his hand for several moments before Kolya nudged him firmly in the side with his boot.

"Sheppard, get up now or I'll shoot you."

The coldness of Kolya's voice let John knew the man meant what he said. John shook his head, trying to clear it as he fought to get to his knees. He felt something tickle his hand and picked it up off the ground, trying to dislodge whatever was crawling him. He definitely didn't have good luck with the bugs in this galaxy. Looking down, he saw what appeared to be a line of ants marching across the ground. They all carried little pieces of leaves, cut to a size that still looked impossible for them to lift. As Kolya encouraged him by smacking him roughly across the shoulder blades with the gun, John stood up, watching the alien ants take the leaves from the edge of the forest out into the dry, open area. They must have a nest out there somewhere.

"Get moving Sheppard. I'm not telling you again."

John began walking forward, thinking about the ants as he tried to remember the documentaries he'd seen about ants back on Earth. He remembered their strength and determination in carrying out what seemed to be impossible feats. He almost laughed as he thought about the times Rodney had badgered and cajoled him, telling him he had no brains, but enough stubbornness to bulldoze his way through just about anything. Carson had told him on numerous occasions that his defiant bullheadedness had probably been what saved him. He clenched his fist, the one on his good hand, and decided that he wasn't done with Kolya. He may have crappy luck, but as long as he buckled down and plowed through, he always seemed to land on his feet . . . well, eventually. Kolya may have the upper hand right now, but he'd watch for the opportunity to turn the tables. John Sheppard would not be giving up today.

oOo

"Dr. Weir, are you all right?"

Elizabeth turned to see Ronon and Teyla approaching her. Although she could hear the sound of a remnant scuffle or two, the battle was basically over, thanks to the soldiers from the Daedalus.

"I'm fine, I think. We need to get some people together to go after John."

Teyla and Ronon looked around the room. "Where is he?" asked Ronon.

"The gate was open and Kolya knocked him through. We need to get that gate address and get a rescue team going before Kolya kills him."

The two warriors exchanged a worried look and nodded. "We'll get a team rounded up and you get the gate address."

Elizabeth took one last look around the gate room. People were down everywhere, with soldiers standing guard over the Genii and releasing Atlantis personnel from their bonds. Dr. Beckett and his medical teams were making the rounds, treating some and sending others on to the infirmary. Thank goodness the Daedalus had been within range to help.

"I'm on it, Elizabeth," announced Rodney as he raced into the room and sat down at the console. By the time she reached him, he was smiling grimly. "I have it. Give me a minute to get my gear."

"Rodney," said Elizabeth. "Ronon and Teyla are putting a team together. You don't have to go . . . it's Kolya." She couldn't miss the fear in his eyes at the thought of facing Kolya again.

"You're wrong, I do have to go. He's got Sheppard . . . He brought me back, Elizabeth. Now I have to help bring him back."

"What about your back?"

"My back's fine. I can do this." He didn't wait for her answer, turning instead and heading out to get his gear.

Elizabeth turned and stood on the balcony above the gate room, watching the personnel work efficiently to get the room cleared and everyone where they needed to be. She wrapped her arms around her middle and shivered. "Just hang on, John. We're coming for you," she whispered.

oOo

Lorne led the way through the gate, followed by Ronon, Teyla, McKay, and a dozen soldiers. They immediately spotted the signs of a scuffle at the base of the stone steps. Ronon kneeled and examined the area, then moved a few feet off and kneeled again. "They went this way and Sheppard's in front, meaning Kolya is probably armed."

McKay frowned and looked at the tracks in the dirt. "How can you tell that?"

Ronon looked around at him, his face neutral. "I recognize Sheppard's shoe prints. Kolya's boots overlay Sheppard's prints, meaning Sheppard is in front, which he would not do unless he was being forced. Besides, if Sheppard was in control, they would have merely dialed the gate and come back to Atlantis."

"Oh . . . right." Rodney was trying not to look as impressed as he was. "I could have figured that out . . . eventually."

Lorne rolled his eyes and urged his men forward. "Look, we need to move. Kolya's not exactly stable and he's hell bent on killing the colonel. The minute he gets tired of him or thinks he doesn't need him, he'll shoot him. And the colonel took quite a beating, so he may not be moving as fast as Kolya wants him to."

They all nodded grimly and moved in the direction the footprints led. Ronon was limping slightly, but refused to let it slow him down. Lorne silently hoped bringing a still recovering McKay and Ronon had been the smart thing to do.

oOo

John tripped on the loose rocks and stumbled forward, barely regaining his balance before he fell again. They had finally reached a small plateau near the top of the hill they had been climbing. John's head was swimming and his legs felt like rubber. The panting from the exertion had caused the pain in his ribs to escalate until every breath was pure misery. He would have to do something soon or he was dead. He lowered himself onto the top of a large rock, sweat rolling down his face and back, sticking his shirt to his thin torso. He looked up to see Kolya staring at him and smiling, barely out of breath.

"You really have become weak. It's such a shame. I was so looking forward to the battle." He walked around John, sighing in disgust at the pale, thin form before him. "You aren't even a challenge any more, Sheppard. How the mighty have fallen."

John looked up at Kolya, who had stopped to stand directly in front of him. "On Earth we say that prides goes before a fall. I think you need a lesson on having too much pride." John shot his leg out and swept Kolya off his feet, sending the gun clattering away. Kolya immediately grabbed John's ankle and pulled him down to the ground. John yelped as they rolled and his injured hand was caught underneath Kolya.

John brought his good hand up and struck Kolya on the side of the head several times. As Kolya rolled away from him, John pulled his hand free and tried to ignore the spots dancing in his vision from the intense pain. He lunged at Kolya, not wanting the man to get away from him and in control of the gun again. They rolled over several times, punching and kicking in blind fury, each determined to come out on top. Kolya finally pushed John away, causing him to roll several feet down an incline to perch at the edge of the cliff. John clung to the rocks as he lay on his right side, knowing that if he rolled onto his back, he'd meet nothing but open air. He looked up the steep, rocky incline to see Kolya come over the top, laughing as his damp hair flopped over onto his forehead.

"Now you die, Sheppard. Right now."

John was desperately trying to figure out what to do when he shifted his left hand and clutched at the ground, closing his fist around some loose dirt. He took a deep breath and watched Kolya get closer, bending over and bringing the gun up to shoot him.

John threw the dirt directly into Kolya's face, blinding him immediately. As Kolya clawed at his face, he lost his footing, sending a shower of stones across Sheppard. Just as John ducked his head into his shoulder for protection, he saw Kolya go over the edge.

He had no idea how long he lay there, panting and trying to remain conscious. He knew if he relaxed too much, he'd roll over and join Kolya, something he had absolutely no desire to do. He finally decided he'd better get himself off the ledge before exhaustion pulled him under.

The climb up proved difficult. He only had one good hand, but he had to use the injured limb to anchor himself so he wouldn't fall, which was painful, at best. He tried not to notice the swelling and discoloration, signs that the hand might be broken. He really hated Kolya, even if the man was dead. He stopped to rest when he was near the top, trying to relax against the rocks in such a way as to catch his breath without flying off the side. His left hand was extended upward, hanging onto one of the few secure rocks, when he felt pressure around his wrist. He jerked, trying to pull away as he frantically looked up, expecting to somehow see Kolya.

"Hey, Colonel, looks like you could use a hand."

With his heart thumping in his chest so hard he was pretty sure the people above could hear it, he sighed with relief. "Major Lorne, fancy seeing you here."

Ronon popped up next to Lorne and reached out for his other wrist before Sheppard had time to react. He yelped when the former runner firmly grabbed his right hand and wrist, fighting his darkening vision and rising nausea. He faded out for a few minutes, and when his head cleared, he was lying on the flat area where he and Kolya had stopped.

"Atlantis?" he asked.

"Atlantis is safe," said Ronon as Teyla opened her canteen. Ronon lifted his head so he could drink a few sips. "Thanks," he murmured.

"What about Kolya," asked Rodney. Sheppard noticed him sitting on the same rock he sat on earlier.

"Over the side," said John, his voice getting stronger. He could see Lorne a few feet away, talking on his radio. John squirmed around, trying to sit up without using his right hand.

"What happened to your hand?" asked Teyla.

"Ouch, that hurts," said Rodney, seeing Sheppard's swollen hand for the first time.

"Kolya stepped on it. He's a lot heavier that he looks . . . er, looked."

Rodney frowned and tilted his head. "How did you take down Kolya with a mangled hand while hanging off the side of a cliff?"

John grinned proudly. "I threw dirt in his face. And to think, my mom used to tell me I was wasting my time watching all those westerns."

Rodney looked incredulous. "You mean that actually works?"

"And very nicely, I might add," said Sheppard.

"What's a western?" asked Teyla.

"We'll explain later. Right now, I'd really like to get back to Atlantis. I'm thinking a very hot shower, a large handful of Tylenol, and a soft bed sound pretty good." John accepted Ronon's arm as he pulled himself to his feet, wincing at the pain in his ribs. He pulled his right arm in close, offering protection for his hand as well as his side.

"I've got some men bringing a litter up, Colonel Sheppard," said Lorne as he walked back over to the team. "We'll be giving you a ride home."

John shook his head, but stopped when it stirred the headache and dizziness back up. "I don't want to ride . . . I can walk." He was aware of Ronon and Rodney flanking him as he stepped toward Lorne. He made it three faltering steps before his legs gave way and world tilted wildly to the left. He felt hands supporting him and lowering him to the ground.

"On second thought . . . maybe I will take that ride," he said softly, feeling like his muscles had turned to jello.

He heard Ronon's voice as his surroundings faded away. "Rest, Sheppard. We've got your back."

oOo

Elizabeth stood nervously in the gate room with Carson and a medical team, anxiously watching the event horizon.

"He'll be fine, Elizabeth. They said he didn't seem to be seriously injured," said Carson, trying to be comforting.

"Please, Carson, how many times has he not appeared to be seriously injured? I'll reserve judgment until I see him for myself."

The puddle shimmered and four marines came through carrying an unconscious Sheppard on a litter. They transferred the colonel to the waiting gurney where Carson spent a few seconds making sure he was still alive and breathing before heading for the infirmary.

Elizabeth stood with the rest of the team as they watched Sheppard be wheeled away. "What happened?" she asked. "Where's Kolya?"

"The colonel has apparently taken care of Kolya for good," said Rodney, smiling smugly. "As near as I can tell, he threw dirt in Kolya's face, causing him to fall off a cliff. It seems our colonel liked to watch westerns as a child. And here I thought he got his battle skills from the military."

Elizabeth felt a smile tugging at her mouth, in spite of the worry she felt. "I guess we can learn things from all kinds of different experiences."

"It would appear that Kolya has damaged the colonel's right hand. He will not be happy to be taken off duty again."

Rodney snapped his fingers. "That's right, this was his first day back on duty, wasn't it? That didn't last long." Rodney suddenly looked distressed, glancing around at Lorne. "Who got it?"

Lorne just sighed. "Zelenka . . . again."

"How does he do that?" Rodney shook his head.

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes and looked at Teyla. "Dare I ask what they are talking about?"

Teyla sighed loudly as if annoyed. "I believe they are referring to the pool on how long the colonel would be on duty before he ended up back in the infirmary."

Elizabeth looked amazed. "And someone actually bet it would be one day?"

"Well," said Rodney. "They were right, weren't they? I was way off, I said a week."

"Rodney!"

Rodney just shrugged his shoulders. "It's all in good fun. Sheppard had a bet on ten days, but I'm not sure what _he_ was thinking."

Elizabeth closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I've come across the universe to another galaxy with a bunch of lunatics."

oOo

Elizabeth and Colonel Caldwell joined Sheppard's team in the waiting area of the infirmary. The Genii soldiers who hadn't been killed or seriously injured had been placed in the brig for now. The gate room had been cleared and all wounded personnel had been tended to. Several infirmary beds were occupied, but fortunately, most were not serious. Elizabeth had been briefing Caldwell on the events since his arrival and they had both been checking to be sure everyone was accounted for.

"Any word on John, yet?" asked Elizabeth as she came up along side of Teyla.

"Not yet," replied Rodney, pacing nervously across one side of the area. "I didn't think he was hurt that bad, but maybe I was wrong. Shouldn't Carson have him evaluated and settled by now if he's really okay? Oh, God, we should have gotten to him faster and – "

"Rodney, it'll be okay. You're going to give yourself a heart attack doing that." Elizabeth took Rodney by the arm and led him to a chair, pulling him into it as she sat in the adjacent one. "Now calm down before I get someone out here to sedate you."

Just as Rodney started to calm his breathing down, he shot up and rushed forward toward Carson. "He's okay, right? It would be so unfair if he wasn't after all this."

Carson smiled and nodded. "He's fine. He won't be happy, but he'll recover. He's re-injured two of his ribs, and just as they were healing nicely. He's also gotten himself a concussion, some cuts and bruises, and his right hand has is severely bruised. With the extent of the tissue damage, I'm not sure why it's not broken. There's no sign of internal bleeding or skull fracture, though, and he's coherent, so I believe he'll be fine."

"Does that mean he's awake, doctor?" asked Caldwell.

"Aye, he's awake, but he's quite exhausted. You can see him for a few minutes, but then he needs to rest. We'll be having to wake him every two hours, so he needs to sleep while he can."

"We won't stay long," promised Elizabeth.

As the group surged past, Carson regretted not limiting the number of visitors, even if it was for only a few minutes. But when he tried to figure out who he would have made stay behind, he decided maybe this was best. He'd just have to make sure they didn't stay long.

Sheppard blinked slowly several times to get his eyes open. He heard people moving up alongside his bed and he really wanted to wake up enough to talk to them, but it was difficult. Between the injuries, the exhaustion, and the pain medication, he felt sluggish and foggy.

"John?"

Elizabeth's face came into focus. "Hey. Made it back in one piece . . . more or less."

A crooked grin broke out slowly across Elizabeth's face. "Yes, you did. And I understand you even fought Kolya off using old movie tactics."

Caldwell frowned and looked around the room, trying to figure out if he was the only one who didn't know what she was talking about. He was strangely comforted by the fact that Ronon and Teyla looked just as confused as he felt.

John tried to move his tongue around to elicit some moisture in his mouth, but to no avail. "Rodney squealed?"

"Hey, I thought it was cool," Rodney defended. "I was bragging on your resourcefulness."

John snorted. "That'll be the day." He swallowed, willing his eyes to stay open. "How many casualties?"

"Only one dead on our end and several injured. You're actually the most seriously hurt and we have four others that have to stay in the infirmary. We got lucky this time."

John nodded almost imperceptibly, regretting the death of the young soldier. He had meant it when he said the marine was murdered.

John moved his head slightly until he located Caldwell. "Thanks . . . saved our asses today."

Caldwell stepped up a little closer to the bed. "I'm just glad we could help. That was a good plan, Colonel, for everyone but you it seems."

John smiled. "I'll heal . . . as long as Atlantis is safe and everyone's okay."

"It is and they are," replied Caldwell. "You're people did good, Sheppard. And Dr. Weir informs me that you will be staying in Atlantis for the foreseeable future."

John struggled to read the man's expression, but he was beginning to lose the battle to stay awake. "That's the plan . . . sir . . . with your . . . permission." He was vaguely aware that his words were beginning to slur together, but it didn't seem important. He just needed to know he was home for good. He knew his eyes had closed and sound was just beginning to fade when he thought he heard Caldwell one last time.

"I think you've earned it Sheppard. Get some rest."

"Yessssirrr."

TBC


	27. Chapter 27

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 27**

"Another pound," Carson announced, looking pleased.

John smiled back at him. He wasn't nearly as excited, but he supposed it was a good thing. But gaining only seven pounds in four weeks just didn't seem like that big of an accomplishment. Especially considering the amount of food he'd been putting away in the past two weeks. "So no yelling at me this week?" he teased.

Carson mock glared at him. "I don't yell at you," he countered firmly. "I just merely state my opinion in a tone of voice that might have a hope of penetrating your thick skull."

"I think I've been insulted." John mock pouted and got a shake of Carson's head and a waggly finger directed at him.

"Up on the bed," Carson said, patting the mattress. Once John was up there he stared a standard check of vitals. "So how have you been feeling?"

John resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He was getting check ups at regular, three day intervals. Carson knew not a whole lot was going to change in that amount of time. "I feel good," he replied, dutifully.

Carson gave a nod then reached for John's right hand. He checked his fingers then smoothed his own over the ace bandage, testing that it wasn't too tight. "How's your flexibility coming?"

"Doing better every day," John replied, tugging his hand free then making a fist a few times to show Carson his progress. Which had been slow in coming. For a while there John had feared he'd not regain full use of his hand which would have messed him up every which way but loose. But he was focused on the exercises the physical therapist had given him, and they seemed to work. As did a few things Teyla had shown him. Her people had their own ways of treating various injuries.

"Glad to hear that." Carson sounded sincere. "How about your ribs?"

John shrugged, feeling relieved that he could do that now without feeling any stabbing pain in his side. "They twinge now and then and I can't twist too much, but they'll be as good as new pretty quick." At least he hoped so. He was getting tired of taking so damn long to heal.

Carson was watching him with a knowing eye. "You just have to be patient, son," he said softly. "You're making great progress in the past two weeks."

"I know." And John did know. But he wasn't good at being patient. Case in point was how he had harassed Elizabeth into letting him go back to full duty, of the administrative kind for now, just to have something to do rather than wander the halls or pretend to read his book. He needed to be doing something useful. Which was why he was gearing up to ask Beckett an all important question. A quick inhale and a slow release to calm his nerves, then he blurted out, "So when can I go back through the gate?"

"Colonel..." Carson sounded regretful even as he paused and eyed John with sympathy. "I know you're anxious to get back out there, but you know you're not ready yet."

John did know, but he needed a goal to work towards. "How soon? Just give me a ball park figure, Doc."

It was obvious that Carson felt he was being put on the spot by the way he hemmed and hawed for a moment. But then he heaved a sigh and said, "Maybe in a month, taking into consideration your condition at that point, maybe I'll clear you for a test run mission through the gate. Somewhere we've been before where we know there's no hostiles and such."

"Like a pretend mission," John supplied, and he wasn't entirely successful in keeping the bitterness he was feeling out of his tone. Carson was placating him and he hated it.

"Colonel, don't get bitchy with me when you know I'm right about this." Carson let some of his own irritation show. "You need to build up strength and muscle mass, not to mention endurance. None of which you'll attain without gaining more weight."

John knew Beckett was right, but that didn't make it easier to accept. "How much weight are we talking here?" he countered. If he had something specific to focus on, maybe it would make the time pass by quicker.

Carson sighed again, one hand scratching at his chin. "I would say at least ten pounds, but I'm allowing muscle weight into the equation. I know you're working out with Teyla again, so you should start building it up."

"We're not past the stretching stage yet," John muttered. Which didn't involve muscle building so much as muscle flexing. Not that it wasn't a good thing, he was just getting so damn frustrated. "Can I start longer and harder work outs now?" he asked, hopefully. Beckett had him on a strict exercise regime. He could run with Ronon for thirty minutes a day, three times a week. No more. He was allowed to work out with Teyla daily, for thirty minute sessions, but John knew that was only because Beckett trusted Teyla not to let him work past his allotted time. The Doc's trust was well placed. Teyla was a stickler on the time, pretty much right down to the second.

"Ask me again in a few days," Carson advised.

John knew what that meant. "You mean after you talk to Teyla and convince yourself I'm not pushing myself too hard." John didn't hide his anger as he slid off the bed and faced Carson with eyes blazing. "I've done everything you've asked of me for the past month. I've followed every rule and regulation down to the letter. I'm so damn SICK of being treated like I'm fragile and breakable! And like I don't have enough sense to come out of the rain!" John was getting so worked up he was almost shouting. Almost. What bothered him more was that he was taking his frustration out on Beckett. The man had brought him back from the abyss time and again and this was how John repaid him. Shame flooded through John, washing away the anger. He raised a hand to stop Beckett from replying to his tirade. "Never mind. Forget I said anything. I'm sorry. I'm not pissed at you." John turned away, running one hand through his hair as he fought to gain control over his emotions. He was so damn moody of late that Rodney had accused him of developing PMS. Taking a few shaky breaths, John turned back to Carson. "I'm just getting frustrated with myself. And patience has never been one of my virtues."

Carson looked to be trying to hide a smile as he deadpanned, "You hide it well."

"It's a gift," John allowed, then he laughed a bit and shook his head. "I really am sorry."

"I know you are, son." Carson patted his shoulder. "And I understand your frustration. But you have to understand how I feel too. And not just me. What happened to you, and Rodney and Ronon...it didn't just affect the three of you. And with you in particular, Colonel...watching you go through hell and back and get so close to getting better and to keep falling back...it's left a mark on all of us."

John hadn't thought about that, which was probably pretty damn selfish of him. He sighed then asked, "Can we pretend my little hissy fit never happened?"

Carson chuckled. "Aye, that we can."

"So I'm free to go?" John gave his best, puppy-dog eyed, hopeful look.

"Go already," Carson said, making a shooing motion with both hands. "And I'll see you back in five days. Unless you need me sooner."

John nodded, already heading for the door. But he stopped and turned back as what Beckett said finally penetrated. "Five days?" he echoed. When Beckett nodded he grinned. It was about time he got an extended parole, so to speak. So he could go check up free for five whole days instead of coming back every three. He smiled at the Doc and gave a salute, but the smile faded when he reached the corridor. It was still a long-term sentence no matter how you looked at it. He had a long way to go before he would even be close to being in the condition needed to do his job.

That fact had been on his mind a lot of late. He was the Military head of Atlantis, but all he was doing was shuffling papers around. So to speak. Major Lorne was the one carrying out the duties that mattered. He was the one actually going on missions and protecting Atlantis. John had become nothing more than a figurehead. Which wasn't settling well with him. To the point where he believed it was time to have a talk with Elizabeth. The safety of Atlantis and her people was what mattered to John, and he would put them before his own needs.

Having come to a decision, John headed for the nearest transporter. But as he rounded a corner, he ran hard into a rock solid figure. Hard enough to bounce off him and he would have fallen had big hands not caught him and kept him on his feet. John wasn't surprised to see Ronon eyeing him with concern. "I'm fine, big guy. Just need to watch where I"m going." He figured he might as well answer the question before it was asked.

"Okay," Ronon replied, releasing him. "What did Beckett say?"

"I gained another pound." John felt stupid giving the update. He also felt a bit of envy because Ronon was doing so much better than he was. He was still doing therapy for his leg, but he wasn't wearing a brace any longer. However, he was limping still. Sometimes John was glad about that, before guilt niggled at him for begrudging Ronon for getting back to normal before he did. "How's the leg?"

Ronon hopped up and down a few times. "Still sore but nothing that matters. Did you ask about going off world?"

They had discussed it over breakfast a few days ago. John wished he could lie about it. "Maybe in a month he'll let me do a test run." He tried not to let it show how disappointed he was.

"Whenever you're ready, we'll be ready," Ronon replied. "Don't sweat it."

"I'll try." John found himself grinning at Ronon's comment. Since he'd taught it to the big guy. The Satedan had been quick to pick up Earth euphemisms and catch phrases. Although sometimes he didn't quite get their usage right, which made for some rather hilarious moments, which the big guy took in stride.

Ronon clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't rush yourself. You'll get where you're going on time." With that bit of wisdom lingering between them, Ronon strode off down the hallway.

John considered Ronon's advice, but it didn't help him feel less impatient or frustrated with himself. Stepping into the transporter, John steeled himself for the confrontation to come. He knew Elizabeth wasn't going to like what he had to say, but John knew it had to be said. He knew what he had to do.

OoO

It actually took John a while to make his way to Elizabeth's office. He ended up side tracking to the nearest balcony to wallow in the fresh air and sunshine for over an hour. He needed to think things through and make sure his thoughts were clear. Elizabeth was all about the debate and she would have a comeback for everything he said to her. But he was determined not to let her change her mind. So John was brimming with determination when he finally knocked on her office door.

Head bent over her laptop, it was a moment before Elizabeth looked up and invited him in. "What's up?" she asked, offering a smile.

"Not much," John allowed. He was grateful to her for not asking how he was feeling. She was one of the few people who had caught on that asking him how he was feeling every day was not a good idea. Nor did she ask how his check up went. Why bother when they both knew she was going to ask Beckett for his official report. "You got a minute to talk?" he asked.

"Of course." She closed the lid on her lap top then gave him her undivided attention.

John nodded then sank into the chair across from her desk. "I've been doing a lot of thinking," he began. "Which I've had a lot of time for lately." It was a lame comment meant to be funny, and it did illicit a tiny grin from Elizabeth. But John only grimaced and mentally slapped himself. He stared at his hands for a minute, both clenched into fists on his thighs, then made himself relax before continuing. He was glad Elizabeth had a lot of patience, enough for the both of them at times. She just simply waited for him to be ready. "I've been thinking about my position here in Atlantis," he said quietly, and still without really looking at Elizabeth.

But she was watching him like a hawk. "What about it, John? You know it's secure. Even Caldwell conceded you've earned your place here."

"I know." John was still surprised and pleased by Caldwell's confession. But that didn't change facts. "The thing is, I can't do the job right now and it's probably going to be a fair while before I can."

"Meaning what?" It was obvious Elizabeth knew she wasn't going to like what she was about to hear, by the look on her face.

John grimaced then blurted out, "You should send for Caldwell to take over my duties for the unforeseen future." Man did that hurt to say, almost like a physical pain in his gut that John felt like curling up against.

Elizabeth stared at him with her eyes a bit wide, but otherwise she didn't seem all that surprised. In fact, she sighed softly as she leaned back in her chair and pinned him with an intense gaze. "I had hoped you wouldn't do this," she stated, and when he opened his mouth to respond, she waved a hand at him. "Let me finish, John. First, I figured you'd be thinking this way. That you can't do the job you were hired for so it's better for the sake of Atlantis if Caldwell takes over. Blah blah. Am I right?"

"Um..mostly," John allowed, because now was not the time to lie about it. And, scarily enough, she was right. Meant he was getting too damn predictable and that was going to have to change.

"Between you and Lorne, everything is as it should be," Elizabeth continued. "Which means I'm going to pretend this little conversation never happened. Okay? You are the head of the Military faction here in Atlantis, John. More than that, you're the man everyone looks to to keep them safe and to keep them inspired. And I need you here. It's not about you going through the gate, it's about the support you give me and it's about a million other things I really don't have time to go in to. But I have a feeling you know exactly what I mean." Her smile was warm and knowing.

John did get it and he nodded. "Works for me. Guess that's it then." He made to stand up but she was waving a hand at him again so he relaxed back into the chair. "Something you wanted?"

Elizabeth nodded. "As a matter of fact, yes. I need a favor from you. A big one, in fact."

"Okay. What kind of favor?" John had to admit he was curious. Especially since it wasn't as if he were in any condition, or position, to be doing any favor like things for anyone.

"I need you to run Atlantis for me for a few days," Elizabeth replied. "Like...five?" She looked hopeful as she asked.

But John was confused and he let it show on his face as he countered, "Why? Where are you going? Did something happen you didn't tell me about?" The thought of which both pissed him off and made him feel a bit panicked.

Rising to her feet and coming around the desk, Elizabeth was quick to reassure him. "Nothing like that, John. It's just that I need a break. During my last check up with Beckett, my blood pressure was high and I'm not sleeping well and I'm...I'm just worn out. Beckett wants me to get away from Atlantis for a few days and we both agree that you'll be more than capable of handling things while I'm gone."

"Where would you go?" He hoped not back to Earth. A part of John was afraid she wouldn't come back and Atlantis needed her.

"To the Ylian homeworld," Elizabeth replied. "You remember it. The paradise planet, I believe Rodney called it."

John did remember. The place looked beautiful but it had suffered a horrible culling and its people who were kind, simple, folk had their work cut out for them rebuilding their lives. But they had still been willing to trade whatever they could in exchange for the help Sheppard and his team had offered. At which point John had contacted Elizabeth, asking her to visit and negotiate a suitable arrangement for one and all. Part of what was offered in trade to Atlantis was a place for the Atlantis people to go for relaxation. "Are you okay?" John asked, because that was his first concern.

Nodding, Elizabeth offered a smile. "I'm fine, but I wouldn't mind a bit of down time."

"I've caused some of your stress, haven't I?" John knew neither one of them could deny that, and he was rather pleased when she didn't.

"I think you've given me most of my gray hairs," ELizabeth allowed, but without any sting in her tone. "But it's not just you, John. It's the job and this place and all the responsibility involved. The buck stops with me and it's more than I bargained for when I signed on. Not that I don't love being here. But sometimes...sometimes I don't love the job."

John could understand that. "Me too." He took a moment to consider what she was asking, then he had a question of his own. "Are you sure you want to put me in charge?"

Elizabeth grinned. "Of course. Who else? Rodney would go power hungry and I trust you to take care of Atlantis and give her back to me the way I left her."

"You're a brave soul," John teased, but at the same time he felt a tingle of anticipation. Not that he wanted to do Elizabeth's job, because he knew how damn hard it was. But at least for five days he would feel useful, and he needed to feel that again.

"Does that mean you agree?" Elizabeth looked hopeful.

John nodded. "I'm in. When do you leave?"

A laughed escaped Elizabeth and she shook a finger at him. "Trying to get rid of me already?"

"Just wondering," John replied, laughing himself.

"I leave tomorrow," she replied.

John was thoughtful. "You're not going alone, are you?"

With a shake of her head, Elizabeth moved back to her chair. "Teyla is going with me, and I'll have Cadman as well as another marine. Does that meet with your standards?" Her tone was serious as she asked.

"Sounds good," John replied. He trusted Teyla and Cadman to watch out for Elizabeth and having an extra marine along wouldn't hurt. He stood up and nodded towards the door. "I'll be having lunch in Rodney's lab if you need me."

"Got it." Elizabeth waved him off.

John headed for the messhall. It had become part of his daily routine to bring Rodney a lunch tray. Then he harassed the scientist for a bit, along with touching things for him if warranted. It helped to pass a couple of hours anyway. So John loaded up a tray with sandwiches, glasses of milk and cake for dessert, then he headed for the nearest transporter.

Five minutes later he and Rodney were digging into lunch. John noticed how Rodney watched him eat and he'd learned to ignore it. More or less. "Anything new today?" he asked, before taking a bite of his turkey sandwich. He had to admit it tasted good to want to eat again. Even though his stomach still couldn't hold what it used too. Beckett said it would stretch back out to full capacity in time.

"Lorne brought me some gadget things this morning," Rodney replied, around a mouthful of food. He then pointed to some round, metal objects on the nearby table. 

"Any idea what they do?" John asked, his curiosity piqued.

Rodney shook his head. "Not a clue. No one can get them to do anything so far. I doubt you'll be able to either. They resemble Ancient tech, but I have a feeling they're something else."

Setting aside his sandwich for the moment, John reached for one of the objects and he felt it grow warm in his hand. "Hand warmer?" he suggested, feeling it start to vibrate a bit as well. "Ancient massager maybe."

"Give me that!" Rodney snatched it from him but from the look on his face, it went back to being a dud. "What was it doing?"

"It got warm and started vibrating," John replied. He reached for his glass of milk and took a long drink. "Think it could be dangerous?"

Rodney glared at him. "I'll let you know when I figure it out. Until then, don't touch it till I say so."

John shrugged. "Fine." He took another bite of sandwich, munched on it then said, "Beckett thinks we might be able to do a test run through the gate in about a month. If I pass inspection." John didn't hide his disappointment about having to wait.

"What's the rush?" Rodney countered, not looking at John as he spoke. In fact he looked everywhere but.

"What do you mean what's the rush?" John countered. He had expected Rodney to be at least a little bit excited about going back out to explore.

Rodney sighed and stopped eating, and his face looked a bit pinched. "It's safe here," he stated. "I'm not sure I want to go back out. I have plenty of work to do on Atlantis with the things people bring me and just keeping the place up and running smoothly."

John realized that Rodney was reacting to his fear of being stuck in a near death scenario again. "You have to get back on the horse," he said softly.

"Why?" Rodney snapped, and his eyes glittered with anger. "Why do I have to go back out there? I'm needed here in Atlantis!"

"Yes, you are," John allowed, and wasn't that a sticky point. Because Rodney was needed here, and he was able to do his job even if he never went off world. By contrast, John felt like he was useless if he couldn't step through the gate. But at the same time, he knew that Rodney loved exploring new worlds and making new discoveries first hand. "But once you go back out there, you'll be okay."

Rodney shook his head. "Don't count on it, Colonel!" He looked like he had more to say but his radio caught his attention. He tapped his ear and snarled. "Yes?"

Zelenka's voice came through. "We need you on level six, Rodney. There is malfunction of sort."

"What kind of malfunction?" Rodney countered.

"Kind I have not seen before," Zelenka replied, sounding exasperated. "Are you coming or not?"

Rodney made a face but replied. "Yes, yes. I'll be right there." He tapped off and made to head out but stopped to look at John. "Sorry...I have to go," he blurted out.

John nodded. "I heard. Talk to you later." He watched Rodney force a smile before hurrying out. But they needed to talk about this. He hadn't expected Rodney to feel this way, but maybe he should have. Heaving a sigh, John collected the untouched food and dumped it into the garbage. He then left the lab to return the tray to the messhall. After that it would be time for his session with Kate. Mandatory weekly sessions for six months, which John hated. But today he was almost glad today was the day for this week. He finally had something he wanted to talk about. 

Rodney.

**THE END...of part 27**


	28. Chapter 28

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 28**

John knocked on Kate's door, right on time. He made it a point to be exactly on time. Never early, never late, but on time to almost the second. Why he was being so anal about it, he wasn't sure, but it had almost become a game he played with himself, although Kate had commented on it a few weeks ago and had seemed amused.

"Right on time," Kate drawled, ushering John in.

"I'd hate to be late," John replied, even though they both knew he hated being here. "Having a good day?" he asked, before pacing his way over to the window. Then pacing back. He normally made it a point to sit still so she couldn't read his mood by his body language, but he felt too anxious to be stationary today.

Kate closed the door then turned to watch him, folding her arms over her chest. "Had better days," she allowed. "You?"

John shrugged, then paced over to her desk. "Had worse." And what an understatement that was.

"How did your check up go?" Kate prompted.

"Fine." John paced back over to the window and made himself stand there a moment, staring out at the view without really looking at it.

Kate let a beat of silence fall, then she said, "You look tense." Leaving it open for him to interpret what reaction to give.

John huffed a sigh and paced around the couch. He didn't respond to her comment, instead he asked a question. "Did you have to sign off on me running Atlantis while Elizabeth is away?" Not that he didn't already know what her answer was going to be, but he wanted to hear her say it. If only because he was feeling a bit ornery today. Not anxious so much as restless and a bit unsettled, and he could lay the blame for that squarely on Rodney's shoulders.

"I did," Kate allowed. "Which I'm sure you figured out."

"Yeah." John nodded, then made himself stop behind the couch for a moment. "So you think I'm ready for this? To run Atlantis?"

Kate smiled then nodded. "I wouldn't have signed off on it if I didn't."

John let a soft sigh of frustration escape him. "It's a test though...right?" They both knew it was and John wasn't really sure how he felt about that.

"I suppose it is in a way." Kate moved to sit on the arm of the couch, her eyes locked on his face. "Do you feel you're ready for this, Colonel?"

"I'm ready to do something," he countered, and he was off and pacing again. "I'm tired of feeling useless."

Kate watched him with a frown on her face. "Why do you feel useless?"

He almost snorted in disbelief, but then he waved a hand at her, dismissing the topic. "Doesn't matter. There's something I want to talk about."

"Really?" Kate couldn't hide her surprise, but then she schooled her features back to a benign expression before asking, "And what would that be?"

"Rodney." John was almost pleased by the fact that he had surprised her again. Her eyes went wide and she shifted on the couch arm. "We talked about going back through the gate today," John continued, before she tried to tell him that the topic was taboo because of confidentially reasons or some such bullshit. He knew damn well that Rodney talked to her about him and Ronon. Rodney had said as much during lunch once.

Understanding seemed to dawn and Kate nodded. "I know Dr. Beckett has mentioned he might let you off world in a few weeks."

John grimaced. "In a month, maybe," he clarified. "But that's not the issue. The issue is that Rodney told me he doesn't want to go."

"And that surprises you?" Kate didn't seem the least bit surprised herself.

"Hell yeah!" John felt a bit angry at her reaction. She should have been as surprised and upset about it as he was. To that end he started pacing again.

Kate watched him for a time, as if waiting for him to say more. When he didn't she prompted, "Why does it surprise you?"

John considered the question and realized he hadn't figured that part out yet. "I don't know why," he responded. "It just does."

"Maybe he's afraid to go out there," Kate suggested.

"Ya think?" John's tone was sharper than he intended and he regretted taking attitude with Kate the moment it was out there. He knew she wasn't the enemy. "Sorry," he apologized. "I know Rodney's afraid, who wouldn't be? But the point is that he's going to have to face that fear and the sooner the better."

Kate was quiet for a moment, looking contemplative. "You've changed you know. All of you have."

John sighed, running a hand over his face. He knew that better than anyone. "What's your point?" he prompted. Because he knew damn well she had one and he was pretty sure he wasn't going to like it.

"I don't have a point to make, Colonel," Kate countered, her tone soft but serious. "I have an observation to offer you." When he gestured for her to continue she said, "It would be very easy for you to let yourself believe that if you get back out there, then everything will go back to the way it used to be. But nothing can go back to the way it was. You can't go back to being who you were before the incident in the cave happened. It's changed you forever. And not just you but Rodney and Ronon. It's changed the people who are your friends and co-workers as well."

"I know everything's changed," John replied, working hard to keep himself from snapping at her. He was angry at her because she had no right to judge him. She had no understanding of him at all. Locking eyes with Kate, John stated, "You've read my file, Doc. You know what I've been through in my career. Everything that's happened to me has changed me in some way. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. I've always tried to learn something from it either way. I've tried to become stronger because of it." He knew he hadn't done so well in this instance, and that he had come close to giving up. But in the end he hadn't and he was becoming stronger, even if it was taking longer than he liked.

Kate nodded. "I know that you've learned to adjust to the changes, Colonel, and it's impressive on many levels. But Rodney isn't you. He doesn't share your history, or your ability to deal with change. You have to allow him his fears, and you need to be patient and to accept the fact that he might not want to go back through the gate. You can't punish him for feeling what he feels."

Anger at her words and their implication, rippled through John like wild fire. "Punish him?" he snarled, glaring at Kate. "Is that what you think I'd do?"

"To be honest, Colonel...I don't know you well enough to even guess what you might do," Kate confessed. "You don't let me in so I can get to know you."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." John felt bile climbing up his throat because right now he was so angry it was making him sick. He started pacing again, modulating his breathing to try and calm himself. He was letting Kate see too much by his very reactions.

Kate watched him pace, revealing nothing by the neutral expression on her face. "Why are you afraid to let people know you? You never let anyone get close. Are you afraid of being hurt?"

John had spent a lifetime keeping people at bay, and Kate wasn't about to get past his walls. Nor was he going to explain his reasons to her. He doubted she would understand them anyway. She had lived a very sheltered life in comparison to his own. John wasn't trying to judge her, but he knew it made them too different to ever really understand where the other was coming from. "I like my privacy," he stated. "That's not a crime."

"No, it's not," Kate allowed. "But don't you get lonely?"

"I have friends and relationships," John shot back. He stopped pacing and locked eyes with her. "I just don't feel the need to put myself on display. At least not any more than I have too. And I've been on display a lot since I got to Atlantis. Everything changed for me the moment I got here. I think I have a right to deal with things in my own way."

With a nod and a rather sad smile, Kate changed the subject back to Rodney. "I would ask that you not push Dr. McKay about going back through the gate. Give him time to deal with his fears in his own way."

John had to concede her points for throwing his own words back at him. "Fair enough," he allowed. Glancing at his watch he saw there was still ten minutes of session time, but he'd had enough for today. "Mind if we wrap this up now?"

"That's fine." Kate glanced at her own watch then moved to her desk to scribble something down on a note pad. "I'll see you next week, Colonel."

"Yeah, see you." John gave her a rather forced smile then he headed for the door. He felt wound up and he needed some kind of release. Thankfully, it was almost time for his sparring lesson with Teyla. By the time he changed and walked all the way to the gym, he knew she would be ready for him.

As expected, by the time John got to the gym, Teyla was waiting for him. She greeted him with a smile then gestured for him to join her on the floor. He did so, moving with more grace than he had in a while, and they began stretching exercises.

Focusing on his movements and his body's reactions, John said nothing for about fifteen minutes. Teyla echoed his silence and, as always between them, it was companionable and comfortable. But then it was time to get on his feet and do a bit of stick work. John grabbed his out of his gym bag and flexed his right hand a bit before getting into position. Teyla would only teach him moves for him to follow, and they connected sticks almost as if doing a dance rather than putting any power into it the way John would have preferred, but just being in motion would help him curb his anxiety a bit.

"Ready?" Teyla asked, locking eyes with John.

"Ready," he replied. Then they began. Mirroring Teyla's moves were easy at first. She always started with a familiar routine, but after a time she changed things, only showing him two or three times before expecting him to learn it. The focus challenged John and he was grateful for it. He was also pretty damn proud of himself by the time Teyla signaled that it was time to start.

Before today he hadn't been able to go the whole session holding the stick in his right hand. It ached a bit right now, but his grip was still firm and that was definitely a step in the right direction. His body felt stretched and there was a slight burn in his muscles which made John feel like he had accomplished something. All in all he felt good and far less angry than when he had entered the room. "Good session, thank you," he said, before bending his head so they could touch foreheads. It was the way they ended all of their sessions.

Teyla smiled. "You are most welcome, John. You have come a long way in a short time. I am proud of you."

"Thanks." Her words meant more to John than he was willing to convey, but he had a feeling Teyla knew that and he was glad when she simply said it then let it go. Of everyone on Atlantis, sometimes he felt that she understood him best. And in a way that didn't feel invasive. She was definitely wise beyond her years and John considered her a good friend. Which made him think about Kate's comments, which made him feel a flare of irritation that he quickly smothered. 

"How did your check in with Dr. Beckett go?" Teyla asked, as she tossed John his towel.

He wiped his face then reached for his water bottle. After a few gulps he replied, "I gained a pound." He knew she was interested in keeping tabs on his recovery and he wouldn't begrudge her that.

Teyla looked pleased. "It won't be long before you are back to fighting weight."

"Any suggestions on how I can gain ten pounds in a month?" John countered. At her puzzled look he explained. "Beckett said he might let me make a test run through the gate in a month. But part of the condition is me gaining ten pounds."

"We will work on it together," Teyla promised.

John believed her and thanked her, then he blurted out something he hadn't intended to address. "Rodney doesn't want to go through the gate again."

Teyla looked shocked at his words, her eyes going wide as she faced him. "He said that?"

"Today at lunch, when I told him Beckett might okay a test run mission in a month." John wanted to smack himself for bringing it up, but at the same time he wanted to talk about it with someone who might understand how he felt about it. Or maybe someone who could explain what Rodney was feeling. Teyla seemed the person most likely to be able to do both.

"He might be ready by then," Teyla countered, although she didn't look like she believed her own words.

John sighed. "I know he's scared, but he's always been scared." It was an opening for Teyla to jump in and tell him what he wanted to hear.

But she was silent for a long time, then she said softly, "If it is meant to be, Rodney will be ready when the time comes."

"But what if he isn't ready?" John didn't want to know the answer to that, even though it was too late to take back the question. So he steeled himself for Teyla's reply.

"Then we must respect his choice," Teyla said, her eyes looking deep into John's, trying to convey her sincerity. She meant what she said with every fiber of her being.

John forced a smile and gave a slight nod. "Guess so," he drawled, but he felt unsettled again. He couldn't imagine going back through the gate without Rodney. Only now he was beginning to wonder if that was his weakness or McKay's. Ultimately it wasn't something he wanted to deal with right now, so he gathered his things and asked, "Same time tomorrow?"

Teyla smiled but shook her head. "I will be off to Ylia with Elizabeth tomorrow."

"Right." It bothered John that he had forgotten all about that. And, of course Teyla would know about the trip since she was going. "When you get back then." When Teyla nodded John gave her a wave then headed for the door. He returned to his room and took a long shower, letting the hot water ease the slight ache out of his muscles. Once he'd dried off and dressed in jeans and a pullover, he pulled on the ace bandage brace for his hand. He was due for one of his daily snacks, which translated to a can of ensure. John grabbed one from his dresser and popped it open, chugging half of it down just to get rid of it. Then he powered up his lap top. Time to get to get back to work.

Two hours later John glanced at his watch. It was supper time. He wasn't hungry but he knew he had to eat so he made a trip to the messhall for a sandwich and a glass of milk. He took them back to his room but only managed to down half the sandwich. He did finish the milk though, then he brushed his teeth and settled himself on his bed with a book. He'd given up on War and Peace ages ago. Thank goodness for the Daedalus bringing them care packages from Earth on every run they made to Atlantis.

But the book couldn't hold his interest so John got up and went for a walk. He ended up on the balcony closest to his room and he sat there and watched the sun set. He was still there an hour later, feeling less restless and unsettled and tired enough to head for bed.

Back in his room he shucked down to boxers, leaving his pullover on, then he crawled under the blankets. He managed to doze off and on, but he was up pretty early the next, trying to obliterate from his mind the images of his one and only dream. Scrubbing the cold sweat off his face with a shaky hand, John couldn't help but relive the detailed dream. It had felt so real. He and his team had finally gone back through the gate only to meet up with some bad guys and Rodney had been shot through the heart, dying instantly. John could still see the image of himself, kneeling beside Rodney and covered in the scientist's blood.

"Shit!" John cursed, pushing to his feet and heading for the shower. He couldn't wash away the images, but he felt more focused and therefore he could detach himself from them better. He hadn't been plagued by nightmares for over a week, and now this. But he refused to see it as a setback. It was nothing more than his subconscious mind mingling what John knew had to be Rodney's fears with his own.

He couldn't worry about that today. Elizabeth would be leaving soon and he had to be ready to take charge. He had just finished getting dressed when Elizabeth radioed that there was a department head meeting in the conference room in one hour. John knew it would be to tell everyone about her trip. He told her he'd be there with bells on, then he headed out the door to the messhall.

Breakfast didn't go down easy, but John made himself eat. It wasn't one of his scheduled days to run with Ronon, but the big guy did find him at a corner table and joined him. They chatted till it was time for the meeting. Ronon wasn't head of a department, but John knew the big guy and Teyla would have been invited to the meeting as part of his team. Plus Teyla was going with Elizabeth.

Everyone else was there when they entered the Conference room and Elizabeth got straight to the point. The only person who didn't seem to know about the trip was Rodney, and he didn't seem that surprised. If anything he seemed distracted and John made a mental note to himself to talk to Rodney about it later.

Elizabeth then handed over the keys to Atlantis, in a figurative sense, then she did manage to shock everyone by announcing she was leaving in five minutes. It was only then that John noticed she had a backpack beside her chair, as did Teyla. With a smile Elizabeth dismissed everyone, but turned to John. "Ready?" she asked, a warm smile on her face. She looked excited, like a kid on Christmas day.

"I think so," John replied. He was just now realizing how much she needed this and he was glad he could help make it happen. He was also savvy to the fact that everyone was looking at it as something positive for him as well. A test for both sides, so to speak. "Have fun."

"I intend too. I left notes for you on my lap top." Elizabeth reached for her pack and hefted it over her shoulders. "Call me if you need me."

John grinned. "Only if absolutely necessary. Between myself and Rodney, I'm pretty sure we can handle things for five days."

Elizabeth nodded. "I'm pretty sure you can too." She headed for the door, calling over her shoulder, "Gonna come see me off?"

"Sure." John had to almost run to catch up with her though. She scurried out the door and down the stairs to where Lt. Cadman and Corporal Levitts were waiting. Levitts was a good soldier, so John felt confidant that Elizabeth would be well taken care of.

"Ready?" Elizabeth said to Teyla and her other companions.

Everyone replied that they were. John moved to them, smiling at the group then nodding. "Enjoy yourselves but be alert. I want everyone back in one piece." They didn't need a repeat of what had happened to himself, Ronon and Rodney. He knew Elizabeth was thinking the same thing by the grim look in her eyes. Wanting to make that look disappear, John stepped over to her and gave her a hug. He felt her start at the contact, but then she was hugging him back fiercely. "Be safe," he whispered.

Easing back, Elizabeth smiled. "I'll do that." Then she was waving to the tech at the controls. "Dial it up," she ordered. They all watched the puddle form then Elizabeth was leading her companions through.

The moment the puddle faded out, John headed for Elizabeth's office. He logged on to her lap top and alternately chuckled and groaned at her instructions. But it was nothing he couldn't handle. In fact he spent a couple of hours going over files before shutting down and heading off to lunch. He found Rodney there and sat down with him.

"I don't want to talk about it," Rodney muttered around a mouthful of sandwich.

"Okay." John didn't pretend not to know what he meant and he would respect Rodney's wishes. For now. "Need me to touch anything for you?" he offered.

Rodney looked surprised. "Really?" At John's nod he grinned. "I have a few things," he allowed. "You free after lunch?"

John smiled. "I'm free unless some emergency pops up." That said they passed the rest of lunch time chatting about various things, both of them staying away from the topic of going through the gate. And, as he promised, John followed Rodney to the lab after lunch and touched a few things then he helped with a few math equations. It made the afternoon pass by swiftly. After making rounds in various areas, John went in search of Ronon and got the Satedan to spar with him. Teyla had to have been teaching him some of the moves she was teaching John, because Ronon would only use those particular moves to fight with him, and he was obviously pulling his strength. 

"You went easy on me," John complained, when an hour passed and Ronon made them stop.

"Beckett scares me," Ronon deadpanned.

John chuckled then flicked his towel at him. "Thanks, it helped." He knew Ronon would know what he meant. He needed to push himself more than Beckett and Teyla were willing to allow, but at the same time he knew he couldn't push too far past his limits. Ronon had allowed him to push just far enough.

They parted to shower, but hooked up for supper. After which John did some more work in Elizabeth's office, then he realized he was worn out so he headed for bed. He undressed, crawled in and was instantly asleep. Thankfully, he didn't dream and in the morning he felt rested and eager for the day to begin. Which meant a shower first, then breakfast.

There were a few science issues and one fight amongst the marines to deal with after chow, but John was almost happy for the disruptions. He felt useful again. It was almost midday by the time he settled in to work in Elizabeth's office, and he didn't stop working till Rodney showed up to take him away for lunch.

The rest of the day slid by quickly and John was just getting ready to head off for supper when the gate activated. "Who is it?" he shouted to the tech on duty as he ran out of the office.

"Lt. Cadman's IDC, sir!"

"Let her in," John ordered, heading for the stairs. They weren't due back, nor were they scheduled for a check in, so John knew something had to have happened. Gut instinct told him it was something bad. He wasn't wrong. Cadman came stumbling through the gate, falling to her knees as he reached her. There was blood staining the shoulder of her jacket. "What happened?" John demanded, as he knelt beside her and offered support.

Cadman was panting, her face white with pain, but she gritted her teeth to report. "We were attacked and Corporal Levitts was killed."

John was not happy to hear that. Before Cadman could continue he shouted for someone to call Beckett and a med team to the Gate room. Then he locked eyes with Cadman. "What about Teyla and Elizabeth?"

"Taken, sir. I got separated from them and injured." She looked apologetic as she continued. "I figured the best thing to do was return to Atlantis for reinforcements."

"You did the right thing," John replied, feeling himself detach from his emotions. He had to slide into soldier mode now.

Just then the med team arrived, with Beckett leading the way. The Scotsman turned pale to see Cadman crumpled in John's arms, bleeding. He moved to her side in a heartbeat, easing her away from John.

Leaving Beckett to do his job, John prepared himself to do his. He tapped his radio. "Major Lorne, I need you to ready a strike force to leave in one hour. You'll take Jumper 3 and be in stealth mode. Meet me in Weir's office in ten minutes for a briefing."

"Yes, Sir," Lorne replied.

John tapped off, turning away from Beckett and heading for the stairs.

Ronon intercepted him. No surprise that he was there. No doubt he had sensed trouble. "I'm going with Lorne." It was a statement, not a request. Before John could respond he added, "I'm the best tracker you have."

"I know." John had already planned on letting Ronon go, even as he wished like hell he could go with them. But he knew his place was here. "Get ready." He watched Ronon run off then he made his way to Weir's office. He fielded a call from Rodney, explaining what he knew, then Lorne and Ronon showed up and John told them to go to Ylia, find Elizabeth and Teyla and bring them home. Simple enough instructions to follow. He knew he didn't have to say more. Both men knew what needed to be done and John trusted them to do it. He waved them off but didn't watch them go through the gate.

Instead he sat behind Elizabeth's desk, resisting the urge to run after them. It wasn't until the gate shut down again and they were gone that he was able to release the white-knuckled grip he had on the edge of the desk. He had to flex his right hand to relieve the tension. Tapping his radio John called the infirmary to get an update on Cadman. He learned she was in surgery and the nurse told him Beckett would call when he had news.

John had just tapped off when everything around him went black. John thought maybe he just had a dizzy spell for a second, but he realized everything was dark and Atlantis had abruptly powered down. He tapped his ear piece, grateful to hear the familiar crackle. "McKay?" John snapped.

"What?" Came the terse reply.

"What the hell is going on?"

There was a moment of silence, then a muffled curse, then Rodney's whispered reply. "I don't know."

Then there was silence once more.

**THE END...of part 28**


	29. Chapter 29

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 29

John sat in the darkness, listening to the cautious movements and verbal exchanges going on in the control room just outside the office door. He stood up and moved carefully toward the door. Stepping outside the office, he made his way to the closest technician, listening to the man clicking the controls and talking to himself.

"Do we have any idea what's going on yet?"

"No, sir . . . but we're working on it."

John nodded in the dark, never thinking about the uselessness of the action. Emergency lighting finally flickered on, dim and scattered, but better than nothing. John clicked his radio. "Rodney, where are you?"

"On my way to you," came the immediate response. "Just stay put, I'll be there shortly."

"Okay, but hurry."

"Colonel, you may not have noticed, but it's a little dark right now," came the sarcastic reply. "Hurrying is a little . . . _0w. . . shoot . . ._ dangerous right now. Shoot, that hurt."

John winced for Rodney. "Oops. Sorry."

Sheppard's radio came on again. "Colonel Sheppard, this is Marcy. Dr. Beckett wants to know what's happened. He's still in surgery with Lt. Cadman and he has no light."

"Uh . . . we have no idea what's going on or how to fix it yet. Tell him Rodney's on it and just do the best he can for now."

"Colonel Sheppard?"

John turned toward the tech sitting a few feet away and sighed. "Yeah?"

"Sir, we're getting multiple reports of people trapped in their quarters and other rooms around Atlantis. Doors that were closed when the power went down apparently won't open now."

John sighed and rubbed the side of his face, the headache that had begun earlier now blooming under the stress. "Just tell them to remain calm. They are in no immediate danger and we'll get the power restored as soon as possible."

"Yes, sir," the man replied, turning back to his station. John could hear him sharing the information with others around him and was thankful for the good staff on duty. They were all working calmly to try to fix the situation and handle the incoming reports.

"I'm here," said Rodney, breathless as he hurried into the room and made his way to one of the control panels. John noticed he had procured a flashlight somewhere along the way.

John walked up behind Rodney and watched him work a few minutes. "Don't guess you know how long this will take?"

Rodney hesitated and then looked menacingly over his shoulder. "I haven't even figured out what the problem is yet, much less a solution. I know you think I can save the day at the drop of a hat . . . okay, so usually I can, but sometimes I need a few minutes. A few _uninterrupted _minutes with no one looking over my shoulder." Rodney proceeded to clear his throat rather loudly.

John took a few steps back. "How's that?"

Rodney rolled his eyes and went back to work. "Marginally better. Be advised, I'm complaining to Elizabeth about the adverse working conditions around here when she's away."

"You're welcome to say anything you like, once we get her and Teyla back."

John paced the area as people worked, feeling frustrated and useless. He nearly jumped out of his skin when his radio chirped.

"Colonel Sheppard, it's Dr. Beckett."

John stopped pacing and stood stiff and upright. "Doc?"

"In spite of the lack of proper lighting, Lt. Cadman is out of surgery and doing well."

John sagged a bit as a little of the tension eased. "Thanks, Doc, that's good to hear. I could use a little good news right now."

"How are you holding up, lad?"

"Pacing around like a caged animal making it almost impossible to work," interjected Rodney.

John glared at the scientist, but it was lost on the man's back. "I'm fine, Carson, just a little worried. Take care of Cadman for me. She's one of my better officers."

"Oh, I will laddie, trust me on that."

John couldn't help but grin. "Will do."

"And Rodney, I'll trust you to let me in on anything I need to know about the colonel."

Rodney took a second to grin at Sheppard over his shoulder. "Will do, Carson."

"Rat fink," muttered John.

Rodney gave him a mock salute and went back to work. A few minutes later they almost collided as Rodney suddenly straightened and began walking away from the console about the same time Sheppard had turned to walk back towards him. John stepped to his right, only to find Rodney shifted the same way. They both then took a step in the other direction.

Rodney sighed loudly. "As much as I'd like to continue this dance, I have a city to get power to, so if you could just get out of the way for a minute, I'd appreciate it."

John stepped to one side and Rodney rushed past him and toward the door. "Where are you going?"

"Power station. I have to do the next part there." Rodney paused and turned around. "Hey, you aren't exactly doing anything useful. Come with me and hold the flashlight."

John hesitated a second and then decided Rodney was right. He just kept getting in the way here. He hopped up the last couple of steps and fell in beside Rodney.

oOo

"You know, if you actually held the light still and where I was working, I could get done faster," scolded Rodney.

"Sorry," mumbled John, trying to pay more attention to where he was shining the flashlight. His mind kept wandering to Teyla and Elizabeth, hoping they were all right and that Lorne's team would find them. He jerked the light as the radio started him.

"Colonel Sheppard, this is Dr. Zelenka."

Sheppard touched his radio. "Hey, Dr. Z, are you okay?"

"Fine, Colonel, thank you. I know you are busy with power problem, but we are trapped and some are beginning to worry."

John looked at Rodney, who returned his concerned expression. "Where are you and who's with you?"

"I am in lab in new section we were trying to open. There are four other scientists with me. We were working to bring equipment on line and poof, no lights. Door was shut and now it will not open." His voice grew soft, as if he was whispering. "Dr. Conner close to panicking, I fear."

McKay tapped his radio. "Radek, it's Rodney. We're at power station one trying to get the auxiliary power on line. I should have it in just a minute and then you can open the door."

"Good news, Rodney. I will try to keep others calm for few more minutes."

Rodney went back to work. Ten minutes later, he stopped and rubbed his hands together. "That should do it." Rodney walked across the room and threw a switch. They heard a low humming noise and Rodney grinned.

"I'm assuming it's supposed to that and we're not about to blow up," said Sheppard.

"Colonel, do you honestly think I'd be standing here if it was about to blow up?"

John relaxed a little. "No, probably not." He startled when his radio clicked, deciding he was really going to have to do something about his jittery nerves before he gave himself a heart attack. "Sheppard here."

"Sir, we have auxiliary power in the control room. People are calling in reporting they are able to get the doors open again."

"Thanks," said Sheppard, the relief showing on his face. "Any new problems turning up?"

"Not at the moment, sir,"

"Okay, we'll be back shortly. Sheppard out." John turned to Rodney. "Good job, Rodney. Can we operate the gate?"

"The gate will work, yes, but the shield won't."

John's face fell. "Great. Let's hope the Wraith or Genii don't pick now to attack. Did that get Zelenka and the others out?"

"One way to find out," said Rodney. "Radek, it's Rodney. You're door should work now."

A few seconds later, Zelenka was back on the radio. "Door still does not open."

Both men sighed and shook their heads. "Okay," said Rodney. "We're on our way to open it manually. Where are you exactly?"

"New lab that you tried to claim as your second lab."

"I still say I have the best chance of figuring out how to make that equipment work at its full potential. As the chief scientist on this expedition, I should have the right to – "

"McKay!" said John, exasperation edging the volume up. "You can put names on the doors later. Let's get them out and fix the city."

"Oh . . . right . . . Radek, we're on our way."

John fell in step beside Rodney, letting him lead the way since he was the only one who actually knew where they were going. They didn't need the flashlight since the auxiliary power had provided some dim lighting in the hallway. It wasn't enough to read by, but it kept them from running into the wall or each other.

"Where is this new lab?" asked John as they walked.

"It's more than just one lab," Rodney explained, a tinge of excitement creeping into his voice. "There's a whole section of labs that seem to specialize in different areas. One looks like a zoology lab, one a botany lab, several kinds of chem labs and physics labs. It's amazing. They are all in that section you rescued us from a few weeks ago. That's the area we've been trying get online so we can start using the equipment, or at least figuring out how to use the equipment."

"Is that area safe after the drone incident?"

"Yeah, we got the engineers to check it out. That one corridor is probably messed up for good, but the labs in the surrounding area are structurally sound. It's just too important to abandon."

John frowned. "Did anyone ever figure out what happened with that drone? Why did it fire?"

Rodney threw up his hands in ignorance. "Not a clue. There were a couple of people doing a standard diagnostic on the chair when Radek and I were trying to bring one of the computers in the lab online. I've checked their procedures and they were SOP. That drone should not have fired."

John chewed his lip as he thought about the recent events in that section. "Was anyone in the chair at the time?"

"Yeah, we had one of Lorne's men that has the gene there. He's not you, but you were . . . unavailable at the time."

John snorted. "Yeah, I guess you could say that. I was almost long range permanently unavailable." John shuddered as he remembered how close he'd been to never seeing Atlantis or any of his friends again. "Could he have fired it accidentally, you know, not realizing what he was doing?"

"Not a chance. We take the drones off-line to prevent just such a thing from happening. He shouldn't have been able to fire a drone on purpose, much less accidentally. No, something else is going on. I think you and I should be the ones to check it out when this mess is over. We're here."

Rodney stopped in front of a door and stood looking at it. Touching his radio, he called Zelenka. "Radek, we're here, right outside the door. Just give me a minute to figure this thing out."

"Glad you are here Rodney. Wow, never thought I would say that."

"I can _hear_ you," whined Rodney.

"Sorry," said Radek. "Didn't realize was still talking out loud."

Rodney turned to a grinning Sheppard. "What are _you _laughing at? The proper way to get the genius to solve all your problems is _not_ to insult him. And to think, I left a perfectly nice, Wraith-free galaxy for this. Get your flashlight over here so I can see."

John held the light as Rodney began taking the door control panel apart. "You know, it makes you wonder if this area is jinxed or something. First the drone incident, and now this. None of the other areas are having these kinds of problems."

"Well, we're just opening it up and bringing it online. Maybe this area has more damage and decay than the others and we're just having a harder time getting it working. It is farther from the central area of the city."

John nodded. "I suppose you could be right. Just seems a little too coincidental for me."

"That's because you're military and you're trained to be paranoid."

John chuckled. "You know sometimes a little paranoia can be a good thing."

"Okay, that should be it." Rodney made the last connection and stood back a step. They both watched as nothing happened. "That should have been it. Shine the light back in here."

John moved closer to shine the light directly in the opening. Rodney had moved a few crystals around and now checked them all to make sure they were tightly in place. "I don't understand, this should work."

"I don't guess it needs the gene to activate, does it?" offered John.

McKay rested his chin on his fist, his index finger tapping his mouth as he stared at the open panel. "Well . . . I suppose it's possible. Some of the controls need to be initiated by the gene and will then work for anyone. Maybe the power outage reset everything in this section. Give it a try; it can't hurt."

John stepped over to the panel and moved his hand across it. The crystals briefly flickered and then went out.

McKay's eyes widened. He hadn't actually expected any kind of reaction. "That is so weird. Maybe if you touch the crystals, or even one of them."

John nodded and reached out to lay his hand across the two crystals closest to the opening. There was a bright flash of light as hot pain traveled up his arm and exploded simultaneously into his head and down his spine. He felt like he was body slammed at that point and then nothing.

Rodney watched in shock as a bright light flashed over Sheppard, throwing him across the corridor to slam into the wall and then crumple to the floor in a heap.

"Sheppard!" He ran to his friend and kneeled beside him, shaking hand searching the pilot's neck for a pulse. He almost panicked when he couldn't find it until he realized he was in the wrong place. He moved his fingers over an inch and was rewarded with a strong, but racing pulse.

Rodney sat back on the floor, suddenly feeling lightheaded with relief. "Thank God, I thought for a minute I'd killed you."

"Who have you killed now, Rodney?"

Rodney jumped at the familiarly accented voice, turning to find the door to the lab open and Radek leading a group out into the corridor. "No one, yet. Are you volunteering?"

"Rodney, what have you done to the colonel?"

"I don't know, but I'd better call Carson and confess while he's still alive. How about giving me a hand?"

oOo

Elizabeth groaned, rubbing her head against the dull throbbing that was vibrating through her skull. She moaned a little as she tried to roll over onto her back.

"Don't move too fast at first. If you go slowly, it is not too bad."

She recognized Teyla's voice. Opening her eyes and blinking several times, she allowed her head to roll slowly to the side so she could see Teyla. Taking in her surroundings, she saw what appeared to be a lavish bedroom, with silk-like cloth hanging from the walls and windows. She was lying on a soft, comfortable bed made of layers of thick, comforter-like fabric. She slowly sat up, allowing the dizziness to pass before making any further attempts to get up. "Where are we?"

Teyla turned from the window and walked back to the bed, facing her with an expression much too serious to be good. "I do not know. I awakened just a few minutes before you."

Two large doors at the opposite side of the room opened and five women came in. They all wore long, simple dresses of the same design, but different colors. One woman with long, dark hair braided into two sections that hung to her waist stepped forward. She made a motion that was similar to a curtsey. "I am Allana. We are here to assist you with your cleansing so that you may be presented to the king."

Elizabeth slowly stood, standing still for a few moments as she steadied herself. When her legs were strong enough to support her, she moved forward to stand side-by-side with Teyla in front of Allana. "Where are we? Why have we been brought here?"

Allana smiled shyly. "You have been brought to the king. He tires of his current wives and seeks new ones. His men have brought you as potential mates for him, to satisfy him and honor him and bear him children."

Elizabeth's eyebrows furrowed. "You're kidding, right?"

Allana looked slightly alarmed. "What is this . . . kidding?"

"You aren't serious . . . you're telling me a lie . . . you don't really mean it . . ." Elizabeth explained.

"Oh, no, I would never do that. You will be cleansed and purified and then the king will view you. If he approves, you will be married tomorrow."

Elizabeth arched one eyebrow. "You said if he approves of us. What if he doesn't like us?" She was already searching for a semi-diplomatic way out of this mess.

"Those the king refuses to marry become household servants, like us."

Elizabeth and Teyla exchanged a troubled look and then Teyla's brow furrowed. "And what if he chooses us, but we do not wish to become his wife and bear his children and . . . satisfy him?" She said the last part as if she were spitting something distasteful from her mouth.

"If you refuse, you will be put to death."

Elizabeth looked at Teyla and sighed. "Some vacation."

TBC


	30. Chapter 30

**Note:** Thanks to those of you still reading and reviewing. You make our hearts sing. Just a few more chapters in the mega-story. There actually _is_ and end to this baby, I promise.

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 30

John moaned softly as he brought his hand up to the side of his head. He felt like someone had stabbed him in the temple and he was checking to see if he felt blood. He was relieved when dry skin and hair met his fingertips. Okay, so he hadn't been stabbed. Shaking his hand to help relieve the tingling sensation, he moved it around to his face and rubbed his eyes, trying to help them open. The buzzing in his ears was beginning to try his patience.

"What _is _that? Someone make it stop before my head explodes," he pleaded. He dropped his hand to find Rodney leaning over him, looking worried.

"Stop what?"

John lifted his head a bit to look around and immediately regretted it as flashing spots filled his vision. He eased his head down and closed his eyes again. "What is that buzzing noise? It sounds like a huge mosquito is trapped in my ear."

When Rodney didn't answer, John opened his eyes and looked back up at the scientist. "McKay?"

Rodney smiled weakly. "No one else can hear the buzzing noise. It's in your head."

John looked confused for a second. "What, the mosquito?"

Rodney swallowed hard and frowned. "Uh, there is no mosquito. I meant the buzzing. Look, just stay still, Carson's on the way."

"What? Rodney . . . I don't have time for this." John struggled to sit up, pushing against Rodney's hands as they tried to make him stay down. He leaned his aching back against the wall for support as he grit his teeth against the ensuing dizziness. He _really_ didn't have time for this.

"Rodney, you must stop breaking colonel."

John smiled at the voice, realizing that Zelenka and the others had been released from the room. "Hey, Dr. Z. Glad to see you're okay."

"We are fine, colonel, but sad you get blasted."

"Oh, I'm fine. Just need a minute to collect my thoughts." John turned back to Rodney. "We need to get back to work on figuring this out and getting the city fixed. Where's my radio?" he asked as he searched the floor around him.

Zelenka leaned down to pick Sheppard's radio up from the floor and handed it to the pilot.

"Thanks, Dr. Z," said John, taking the radio and putting it on his head. "Carson, this is Sheppard. I don't know what McKay told you, but I'm fine."

"I'll be the judge of that."

John cocked his head at Rodney, thinking the Scottish doctor's voice had sounded strange, even taking the buzzing into account. As those around them turned to look down the hall, he realized it was because Carson was not answering from the radio, but as he approached them.

Rodney moved out of the way to allow Carson to kneel beside John. "I'm glad to see you're conscious, Colonel." Carson immediately began shining the penlight in John's eyes.

"I'm fine, really. Look, we need to do this later so Rodney and I can get back to the control room." John blinked heavily, trying to rid his vision of the afterimages of the penlight.

Carson ignored his protesting patient as he began feeling around the back of John's head, checking for signs of injury. When his fingers found the bump, John winced and pulled away. "Sorry, Colonel. Looks like you've got a nasty bump back there." He turned back to Rodney. "How long was he unconscious?"

Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, I wasn't timing him. Maybe . . . five or six minutes. And he keeps complaining about a buzzing noise."

Carson turned back to John. "What other symptoms do you have, besides the obvious headache?"

John sighed, figuring he wasn't going to get very far until he cooperated for at least a few minutes. "Arm's a little tingly."

oOo

Elizabeth looked forlornly over to Teyla, their eyes meeting in utter despair. The sad thing was that under different circumstances, like they weren't being held hostage and all these excess people would go away, this would be an enjoyable experience. They each sat in large sunken bathtub filled with a bubble bath that was the perfect temperature. She had no idea what they had put in the water, but it made her skin feel like silk and had a subtle, but very pleasant scent.

The problem was that they had each been assigned two girls to bathe them. They were not allowed to bathe themselves. Elizabeth found it extremely embarrassing to have these people she didn't know washing her entire body, even if they were very gentle and acted as though they were used to such things.

When they were finally finished, Allana, who had been supervising, waved her hands at the attendants. "You must get out and be dried now." She waved her hand upward, indicating that they should get up.

Elizabeth grimaced, but stood up and allowed herself to be helped up the slippery steps and out of the tub. She had never felt more vulnerable as she stood naked and shivering, sweet-smelling bubbles sliding down her skin. The two girls who had bathed her began gently drying her with big, soft towels. She kept her eyes on the floor, not wanting to embarrass Teyla or see who might be looking at her. She just kept telling herself it would be over soon, over and over again.

When she was dry, the girls moved away with the towels, leaving her standing there exposed. "Uh, Allana . . . can we have some clothes . . . or even a towel to cover ourselves?"

"Not yet, but soon . . . if you cooperate." Allana walked around Elizabeth and then around Teyla. Elizabeth carefully glanced at Teyla's face about the time the Athosian risked looking at her. Teyla nodded, saying volumes with her expression. It told Elizabeth that she was just as uncomfortable with the situation, but saw no other recourse for the present.

"Very good, ladies. You are ready." Allana nodded and seemed pleased. "Come forward with me."

"What are we ready for?" asked Elizabeth nervously as they followed Allana forward to the center of the room. Allana clapped her hands and the attendants came back across the room, one on each side of Elizabeth and the other two flanking Teyla.

"What is happening?" asked Teyla, an edge to her voice that Elizabeth had never heard before.

Allana nodded to the girls, who each took an arm and held it out away from the Lanteans' bodies. As Allana turned and went toward the door, both women tried to pull their arms loose. One of the women holding Teyla's arm whispered loud enough for both women to hear. "You must not struggle or the king will be angry and have you beaten, possibly killed. You must remain quiet and still if we are to survive."

"What do you mean _we_?" asked Elizabeth quietly.

"If you create a disturbance that angers the king, your attendants are punished with the same punishment you receive for not doing our duty." The girl's eyes were wide in fear and the girl on Elizabeth's arm nodded in agreement.

"Please, we do not want to die."

Elizabeth stopped struggling and noticed that Teyla had too. They would just have to figure out a way out of this tonight, before they had a chance to be married or executed. She turned her head at the sound of approaching footsteps. She could feel the color creeping up her neck and heating her face as she stood there naked, her arms held out to her sides as the king strode in the room.

He was in his late forties or early fifties, but he wasn't soft. He had the hardened muscles and face of a warrior. His hair and beard were trimmed short, brown just barely frosted with gray. He smiled at the sight of the women before him and nodded his approval. "Nice, Allana, very nice." He proceeded to walk around each woman as they kept their eyes staring straight ahead, their faces expressionless.

He walked up to Elizabeth and stood so close she could feel his breath. She set her jaw when she saw him looking down at her breasts and then below that. It was all she could do not to pull her arm loose and slap him or tell him to put his eyes back in his head. She would not be responsible for the girls around her being whipped or killed, however, so she held her tongue. She half expected him to grab her, the way he was leering, but he didn't. She watched as he did the same thing to Teyla. She calmed herself by imagining Teyla beating him senseless with her fighting sticks . . . clothed of course.

The king finally stepped back, still staring at the two women. "They will be fine, Allana. I sense a fire in them both that I have not seen in a while, I can feel it. They will fight at first and that will make conquering them all the sweeter. I will wed them both tomorrow and they may take turns pleasuring me tomorrow night. Make the preparations." The king abruptly turned and left.

As soon as the door closed, the women released Elizabeth and Teyla's arms. The girl who had warned them bowed. "Thank you for not making trouble. I am deeply grateful."

"You're welcome," said Elizabeth. _Now_ can we have some clothes?"

Allana nodded. "Yes." She nodded at the women, who went off to get clothes for the two prisoners. "We will return you to your room and bring food and then you must get a good night's rest. After your morning meal tomorrow, we will bathe you again and dress you for the wedding. I will tell you of what you must do at that time. It is not hard."

"No, the hard part comes _after_ the wedding," said Elizabeth sarcastically. She wanted to say more, like what kind of bad B movie had they wandered into, but the look Teyla was giving her warned her to wait until they were alone. She decided right then and there that if she ever got back to Atlantis, she was _never_ taking another vacation, and she was firmly smacking anyone who even suggested it.

oOo

"_Colonel Sheppard?"_

John reached up to key his radio. "This is Sheppard."

"I'm trying to examine you," complained Beckett. Sheppard just shook his head and waved him off.

"_We have an incoming wormhole with Major Lorne's IDC."_

"I'll be right there," replied Sheppard, already pushing himself to his feet.

"Wait a second, Colonel," objected Beckett. "You have a possible concussion and you received quite a shock, from what Rodney's described. I need you in the infirmary."

John was on his feet by then, leaning against the wall as his vision fogged over for a second. "Not happening, Doc. I'll check in with you later, but I've got to talk to Lorne right now and find out about Elizabeth and Teyla. I'll owe you a visit." He pushed away from the wall and past Beckett, not giving the doctor a chance to stop him.

Rodney patted Beckett on the shoulder. "I'll keep an eye on him," he said as he hurried after Sheppard.

Beckett just let his head fall forward and sighed. "Oh, I feel _so_ much better now," he said sarcastically.

oOo

John and Rodney rushed into the jumper bay as Lorne, Ronon, and the others emerged from the back on the ship. They were disappointed that there was no sign of the two women they went to rescue.

"Lorne, there better be a good reason why you don't have Dr. Weir and Teyla with you."

Lorne nodded. "They weren't on the planet any longer."

John's heart dropped to his feet. "Not on the planet?"

Ronon stepped forward and grinned, his eyes twinkling dangerously. "No, but we know where they are being held."

Ten minutes later, they were seated in the conference room. John barely waited until everyone was seated. "Okay, I want to know what's going on."

Ronon nodded to Lorne that he should explain and Lorne leaned forward, anxious to share what they knew. "We met with the people of Ylia and, although they didn't see the attack, when we told them what we knew of it, they recognized the pattern. It seems a King Theron has this harem of wives, but he periodically gets tired of them and sends his men out to fetch him a few new ones. The Ylians have had several women taken by him over the years."

John frowned. "Do they know where this Theron guy is?"

Ronon nodded. "Yes, they were quite happy to give us the gate address."

John rubbed his forehead and wondered if the knock he took earlier was affecting his thinking. This didn't make any sense. At least the buzzing had gone down a few decibels, making it easier to hear the conversation. "I don't get it. If they know the address and this guy has taken their women, why didn't they just go after them?"

Lorne sighed. "They did send some people after the first kidnapping, but only one made it back. Since then, they just have their women stick close to town and never travel alone. They're afraid of the guy."

"Well, I'm not," said John enthusiastically. "We need to go get them and we need to do it before this guy . . . marries them and rolls out the official welcome mat to his bed. I'm thinking now would be good."

"The villagers said if sticks to his normal schedule, the wedding will be tomorrow, so we still have a few hours. It may take us an hour or two to actually find his camp on the planet. By the time we do that, it will be late enough to slip in without stirring up an all out war, at least we hope we can do that." Lorne looked at Sheppard expectantly.

John wanted to go and it was eating at him that he couldn't. Not only would Beckett never sanction it, but he knew he was off enough to possibly jeopardize the mission and he wasn't willing to risk that. Plus, that would leave no one to run Atlantis. No one but Rodney, and that was a scary prospect in itself.

"All right. Take two jumpers and as many men as you need."

Lorne and Ronon were already getting to their feet before John finished his sentence. Ronon paused at the door to look back at Sheppard and McKay, seeing the pain of staying behind on their faces. "We'll bring them home." And then he was gone.

Thirty minutes later, the two friends stood side by side, watching the jumpers lower and then speed through the gate. When the stargate disengaged, John leaned forward on the rail, letting out a deep breath. He had never realized how hard this must be on Elizabeth, to stand and watch them go, hoping they'd come back safe.

"Rodney, I have an idea." He was trying to distract himself.

"What? I should get back to fixing the city."

"I know, that's what it's about. Can the chair help?"

Rodney frowned and tilted his head. "What do you mean?"

John turned to look at Rodney. "You remember in Antarctica, how the weapons chair displayed the solar system and those other screens? Does our chair do more than weapons?"

Rodney's eyes lit up. "You know, Radek and I have always suspected that it did, but we never seem to have time to check it out."

John nodded. "Okay, you and I are going there now and let's see if it can tell us what's wrong with the city."

McKay looked doubtful. "I don't know, Colonel, I'm not sure you can use it like that."

"What's the harm in trying?"

McKay just shrugged his shoulders. "None, I guess, unless you count me facing Carson's wrath for not sending you straight to the infirmary."

John was already walking toward the door. "I'm fine, McKay, come on."

oOo

"Okay, I'm hooked up," said McKay.

John sat down in the chair, immediately activating it. He concentrated on asking what was wrong with the city. A few seconds later he felt his body get warm and tingly, causing him to shiver slightly.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," he mumbled, feeling the link take hold. He was gliding through the city, being led almost like a child and he felt almost disembodied. "I see it," he said several minutes later.

McKay looked surprised and his stance stiffened in response. "You see it . . . really? What . . . I mean where . . . "

"I know where . . . " John stiffened and arched his back up off the chair, grunting under his breath.

"Colonel," said Rodney in alarm, moving over beside Sheppard just as he relaxed against the chair and it disengaged, moving back to an upright position.

John's eyes blinked several times. "Know where problem is," he slurred as he staggered to his feet only to sink immediately to his knees.

"Whoa, boy, take it easy. Are you okay or should I call Carson again?" He was getting worried at how pale Sheppard looked and his slurred speech.

"No . . . 's okay. Follow me." John used Rodney's arm to pull himself back to his feet. He held onto Rodney for support the first few steps, but eventually let go and walked on his own. Rodney was relieved that his speech had also cleared up by the time they reached their destination. John stopped and led Rodney into a room, glancing around.

"What?" asked Rodney, eyes darting nervously around the dark room.

"This is where the Wraith stunned me right before the big attack on Atlantis. He tried to feed on me right over there," he said, pointing across the room. "If Ford and Teyla hadn't arrived when they did . . . "

Rodney swallowed hard. "This is where he was hiding?"

"Yeah." John turned to look at Rodney. "You know where we are, don't you?"

Rodney nodded. "Yeah, the section with the new labs. Where is this problem you discovered?"

John led Rodney to a control panel in the back of the room. He looked at it a second before continuing down to the end. He pointed to a box about the size of brick with three blinking lights on it attached the side of the console.

Rodney looked at it for a few seconds. "That's Wraith."

John nodded. "I know. I guess our friend left us a present."

"It must not have activated until we started bringing this section on line."

"We need to get it off," said Sheppard, still standing there staring at it. "It's hurting her."

McKay looked at him oddly. "Hurting who?"

"Atlantis," he replied, as if that were a perfectly normal thing to say about a city.

"It's hurting the city of Atlantis?"

"Yes . . . I could feel it. It . . . hurt." John grimaced as he remembered the pain that had coursed briefly through his body. "We have to get if off her."

"Okay," said Rodney, becoming increasingly worried at the way Sheppard was referring to the city as if it were a person. "How can we do that?"

John grabbed the box and pulled before Rodney could react. It came off and the lights slowly flickered out, sparks flashing from the ends of disconnected wires. "Like that."

Rodney stood there staring at John, holding the box and shaking slightly. John finally seemed to shrug off whatever state he was in and set the box down. "It was disrupting her systems, working its way in deeper and deeper. But we still need to repair the damage that's already been done."

Rodney stared vacantly for another few seconds before snapping back to the present. "Right." He tried to work on the console before him, but couldn't get it to do anything for several moments. When it finally lit up, he looked over to see Sheppard with his hands on the top of the panel. "Thanks."

John nodded and turned around. "I'm going to sit down over here while you work. Let me know if you need me."

"Okay, that's good. I think sitting is probably a good idea for you at the moment." He watched John sit against the wall and lean his head back before turning back to the control panel and pulling up a chair. "Let's see what's going on here," he muttered to himself as he dived in.

oOo

Elizabeth looked at Teyla, standing a few feet in front of her, visible only by the moonlight streaming in the window. "I feel ridiculous," she said quietly.

Teyla looked at Elizabeth and then down at herself. They were both dressed in the most beautiful, elegant floor length gowns that she had ever seen. Hardly proper attire for carrying out an escape, but they had taken their usual clothes and this was all they had. "I admit, these dresses will make escape a little more difficult."

Elizabeth nodded as she swirled the large skirt, trying to figure out how to keep from tripping over it. "Yeah, but I guess it beats being naked."

"Definitely," said Teyla firmly, remembering the indignation of their earlier showing. "What is that?" Teyla indicated the object in Elizabeth's hand.

Elizabeth held out the small statue of the king she had grabbed from one of the tables. "It's a statue. I thought I could use it as a weapon."

Teyla frowned and shook her head. "Perhaps we should work together when we return to Atlantis. I could teach you some things. Try one of these." Teyla held out a long wooden object that reminded Elizabeth of the Athosian's fighting sticks. She held another in the other hand.

"What are these?" she asked as she set the statue down and took the stick.

"They were chair legs. I'm borrowing them."

Elizabeth glanced across the room to see a chair on its side and missing two legs. Maybe she _should_ work with Teyla when they returned. Her thoughts were interrupted by a scuffling noise in the hall. Both women backed away from the door, stepping to either side and raising their sticks. Someone fumbled at the door for a few seconds and then opened it. Teyla barely diverted her weapon on its way to crashing into Lorne's head.

"Major!" said Elizabeth, grinning and breathing out with relief. She watched as Ronon and several others came into the room.

"Dr. Weir, are you and Teyla all right?" He was looking somewhat dumbfounded at the way they were dressed.

"We're fine and . . . long story. Let's get out of here."

Teyla grabbed Elizabeth's arm. "Do you think we could release the others?"

Elizabeth nodded. "If we can find them . . . and I may have an idea about that. I think the girls from earlier would help."

As they left the room, Teyla saw Ronon looking at her a little differently than he usually did. "Ronon, what is it?"

"You look different. I . . . like it." Ronon quickly averted his eyes as he realized what he'd just said.

Teyla smiled and blushed slightly. "Thank you, Ronon. We must leave now," she said as she hurried from the room, not sure how to handle the situation.

oOo

Rodney took one last look at his computer screen before activating his radio. "Okay, Radek, try it now."

"Yes, Rodney, it is working. We can finish from here now."

Rodney sighed and let his head fall forward. "Okay, we'll head back to the control room."

Rodney's last sentence somehow perforated the fog that had settled on John's brain. He lifted his head up from the wall, stirring the sharp pain that had subsided for a while. "We done here?"

Rodney began packing his computer up. "Yes, Radek says everything's coming back online now. I need to get back to the control room and help him get everything set back up." He turned to see Sheppard using the wall to pull himself to his feet. He swayed a second before walking forward, rolling his head as he rubbed his neck. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just tired and I think I now have a kink in my neck. Let's get back."

"You know, you could go ahead to the infirmary. I'm a big boy, I can make it back to the control room by myself."

"McKay, don't even start. This is far from over and I'm not going to the infirmary. Let's go." Sheppard walked out of the room and headed for the control room, with Rodney following reluctantly behind.

"Stubborn idiot," Rodney muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. I'm right behind you."

"That's what I thought."

oOo

"Incoming wormhole."

After a few hours of answering calls from across the city and running errands for Rodney and Radek, John had sat down for a minute and almost dozed off sitting straight up. The call from the technician made him jump and he'd come close to dumping himself on the floor. Recovering quickly, he got his feet.

"Is it them?" he asked hopefully.

"I'm getting Major Lorne's IDC and a transmission."

"Major Lorne, this is Sheppard. Please tell me you have good news." John unconsciously held his breath, silently thinking please let them be okay.

"Colonel, we have everyone and we're all safe and sound. You might want to roll out the _welcome mat_ for our _formal_ return in about ten minutes."

John raised his eyebrows and looked around to McKay, who was staring at him with his mouth slightly open. He just shook his head and raised his arms in a motion that obviously meant he was just as confused as John.

"Okay . . . we'll see you in ten minutes. Atlantis out."

John called Carson to let him know Lorne's team had found Teyla and Elizabeth and then watched a few minutes later as the jumper came through the gate and rose to the jumper bay. As the second jumper came through safely, he turned to the tech on duty. "I'll be in the jumper bay."

"Yes, sir," said the tech, thinking about how it was usually Dr. Weir saying those same words.

As he rushed to the jumper bay, he discovered Rodney beside him. "I thought you were busy."

"Not _that_ busy," said Rodney as they entered the bay and watched the hatch come down. A couple of soldiers came out of the jumper, followed by Teyla and Elizabeth. John and Rodney both did a double take at the way the women were dressed, both looking very beautiful in their fancy dresses.

"Wow, you guys are hot," said John, thinking about what he said after the words were already out of his mouth. "Uh, that is, you look nice. So did they rescue you or interrupt you?"

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Oh this was most definitely a rescue. I wasn't really in the mood to get married, especially to that pig." She shuddered.

John frowned and stepped forward a step. "He didn't hurt you did he?" he asked sharply, anger mounting at the thought of someone forcing himself on either of his friends.

"No, no, nothing like that." Elizabeth looked sheepishly at Teyla and then back to John. "He just . . . creeped me out, that's all. He never laid a hand on us. That was to come after the wedding, which these guys fortunately saved us from."

John relaxed a bit and nodded. "Okay, as long as you're okay."

"We are and we even managed to release the women who didn't want to be there. Some wanted to stay, but the ones that didn't were escorted to the gate and we stood watch while they dialed to their homeworld. I'd say we did our good deed for the day." Elizabeth smiled over at Teyla.

"Yes, I am glad we could release them. I wish we could have spared them the humiliation of what must have come before, but at least they are able to return to their families now." Teyla nodded to Elizabeth and returned her smile.

"What's all this now? I see we have royalty visiting Atlantis."

They all turned to see Carson entering the jumper bay. He was grinning as he approached and winked at the well-dressed ladies.

"Hardly," said Elizabeth. Her expression suddenly sobered. "What about Lt. Cadman?"

Beckett continued to smile. "She's fine, lass, recuperating nicely in the infirmary. And that's where I need you two visions of beauty, the infirmary, so I can check you out."

"Actually, I will be glad to get out of this," said Teyla. "It is beautiful, but not really what I would select to escape an enemy camp. It is very . . . restrictive."

"It might be interesting to stick fight you in that thing," commented John. "Maybe I could actually win."

Teyla glared at him as she walked past. "I highly doubt that."

"So, how did everything go?" asked Elizabeth.

"Oh, you know, the expedition leader kidnapped, all the power shut down, people stuck in rooms all over the city . . . nothing big."

"Well, as long as you didn't have any trouble," said Elizabeth. "You'll have to brief me later, Carson's waving so hard his arm is going to fall off. I'd better get to the infirmary."

"Yeah, I guess. You smell good." John blushed a little as he realized what he'd said. "I mean . . . not that you don't ordinarily smell good, but you just smell extra good today. How come I don't get to come back from being rescued all rested and nicely dressed and smelling good? By the time bad guys are done with me, I'm usually lucky if I have any clothes left at all."

Elizabeth just sighed and raised her nose in the air. "It's in your technique, John. Maybe you should work on that." She managed to keep from laughing until she'd left the room.

John looked at Rodney. "Don't say a word."

Rodney just grinned. "Not saying a word."

Beckett's voice came over the radio in John's ear. "Colonel, I believe you owe me a visit. I'd suggest you make your way down to the infirmary before I send my two biggest orderlies with a gurney and a set of restraints."

John sighed and rubbed his aching head. Maybe he would at least get a couple of Tylenol out of the deal. He hit his radio button. "On my way, Doc. No need to send reinforcements."

TBC


	31. Chapter 31

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 31**

John stepped into the transporter and the doors closed behind him. He didn't touch the panel so that he would be delivered to a spot close to the infirmary. Instead he took a moment to sag against the wall so he could rub his temples without anyone noticing. Right this moment his head ached fiercely, he could hear a soft buzzing in his ears, and he was so tired he was pretty sure if he closed his eyes he would fall asleep instantly. Standing up or not. None of which he intended to tell Beckett, when he reached the infirmary.

Just then his radio crackled in his ear, making John jump. He figured it had to be Beckett, dogging him. "Sheppard here," he replied.

"Lt.Morris here, sir," came the response.

"What's up Lieutenant?" John hoped there wasn't any big emergency. He really wanted everything to run smoothly, and without any assistance on his part, for at least the next twenty-four hours.

There was a moment of silence then Lt. Morris replied, "Sgt. Banes didn't report for his shift, sir."

John resisted the urge to sigh. Lt. Morris was new and wasn't used to the way things worked around here. Not that John was lax with his men per se. He expected them to be prompt and efficient in their duties. But he was also willing to give a bit of leeway if they overslept once in a blue moon. Which mean, overall, his men were careful to not do that kind of thing. "Did you check his room?" John asked.

"Yes, sir," Lt. Morris replied. "I've radioed him and I've just come from his room. Bed's made and no one's there."

"Oh." That surprised John a bit.

Lt. Morris cleared his throat, sounding nervous. "I've also asked around, sir. No one has seen him since yesterday."

John was not happy to hear that. "Yet no one thought to notice and report that till now?" He wasn't angry at Lt. Morris, he was just tired and a bit upset that one of his men appeared to be missing.

"No, sir." Lt. Morris beat John out in the unhappy department. Even over the radio the man sounded utterly miserable right now.

"Meet me on level six, east entrance with a life signs detector," John replied. "We'll see if we can discover anyone lurking about where they shouldn't be." If something had happened to Sgt. Banes, which John was hoping like hell wasn't the case, the odds were he'd be somewhere unexpected.

A moment of uneasy silence, then, "Is that it, Sir? No search parties?"

John almost chuckled at that. Almost. He realized that Lt. Morris was questioning his ability to do his job. Which wasn't surprising, given how he hadn't been able to do his job in quite some time. And, in fact, still wasn't actually back on the job. Yet Lt. Morris had still contacted him instead of Lorne who was, technically, doing John's job at the moment. Which meant he was probably just projecting his own doubts about his own abilities at the moment, John realized. Which meant he was way more tired that he'd thought. And he'd thought he was pretty damn tired. Allowing himself a tiny sigh, John replied, "Let's see what we can find before we call out the cavalry."

"Yes, sir," Lt. Morris replied, readily enough.

"Be there in a minute," John said. "Sheppard out." He clicked off his radio and was reaching out to touch the panel when his ear piece clicked again. John sighed and tapped it. "Sheppard here."

A sigh then, "Carson here, Colonel. Did you get lost?"

John winced. He'd forgotten about Beckett. "Hey, Doc. I'm a little busy at the moment. I have a missing marine."

"Missing?" Carson echoed.

"Yeah. Didn't report for work so I'm off to find him." John pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a tension headache coming on. Which he really didn't need to deal with right now. "I'll pop in once I find him."

There was a moment of heavy silence, then Carson's voice crackled in the air. His tone was sharp with anger. "You will be in the infirmary in five minutes or I will send out reinforcements to drag you here and I will use restraints. And before you even think of wasting your breath arguing with me, keep in mind at as CMO of Atlantis, I have the power to follow through on my threat." A beat for a dramatic pause, then he finished with, "And I will do so." With that Carson signed off.

John cursed beneath his breath, resisting the urge to call Beckett back. He knew the man would do as he threatened, and no doubt enjoy every minute of it. So the best John could do right now was to call Lorne to take over the hunt, then hook up with him after his check up. Which is what he did. Then he touched the panel and made his way to the infirmary.

Not so surprisingly, Beckett was waiting for him just inside. John grimaced a bit, seeing the look on Doc's face. The man was not a happy camper right now and John had a feeling he was going to pay for it. "How are Weir and Teyla?" he asked, hoping to distract Beckett a bit.

"They're fine." Carson took John by the arm and led him over to a bed in the corner. "I sent them off to clean up, eat and rest."

"Good, I'm glad they're okay." Which was an understatement. The relief John felt was a bit overwhelming, but he knew enough to hide his reaction.

Carson pointed to the bed. "Sit." Once John did so, he grabbed his penlight. "Look straight ahead," he ordered.

John fought a wince, since the bright light sent spikes of pain through his head and made his eyes ache, but he did as he was told. When Carson told him to follow his finger with just his eyes, he did that too. Then he blinked hard and refocused to see Carson looking worried. Not a good sign. "I'm fine," John stated, just for the record. Although he had a feeling he didn't score any believability points since his body suddenly listed to one side without warning.

"I don't believe you." Carson's tone was grim as he gripped John by the arm to steady him. Then he was pushing him to lie back.

"I'm just a little tired," John allowed, even as he sagged back against the pillows. At this very moment he felt exhausted to the point where he didn't even have the energy to keep up the facade of being okay.

The look Carson gave him spoke volumes, but the Scotsman's voice was soft and concerned as he asked, "When did you eat last, Colonel?"

John had to think about that for a moment, only to realize he couldn't remember. "Uh...I'm not sure." He figured he was going to be in trouble for it, but he just didn't give a damn right now. Let Beckett yell.

"I'm going to send for a tray," Carson stated.

"I'll get something on my way to my room." John knew he needed to get some rest so he wasn't even going to give Beckett a hard time. He wasn't happy that his body was betraying him like this, but he knew his limitations and that working against them just set him back further. Lessons he had learned the hard way.

Carson shook a finger at him. "You'll eat here, Colonel. If you do well enough...then I might consider letting you go back to your room."

John made a face, but gave in graciously. "Fine. Can I have some tylenol first?" His head was really begin to ache.

"Aye." Carson studied John as he spoke, looking worried. "I'll get that for you." He scurried off and was back a moment later with two tablets and a glass of water.

"Thanks," John said gratefully, as he accepted the pills and the water. He downed them quickly then sagged back against the pillows. He hated the fact that his body still wasn't up to par and that something that wouldn't have taken it's toll on him a year ago, now put him down and out for the count.

Carson was grabbing a blanket and shaking it open. "Rest until the tray gets here," he advised.

John nodded, just slightly, letting his heavy eyelids drift closed. He felt the blanket being spread over him, then Carson's hand patting his shoulder. Then shadowy darkness was swirling over him and a heartbeat later John drifted into darkness.

OoO

John dreamed about Atlantis. That she took him flying with her, soaring through her circuits with the same ease in which he walked her corridors. She showed him her secrets and whispered to him about the past and the future that was waiting for all of them. The whispers got louder until they turned into screams and John came awake with a jolt.

Feeling his heart pounding in his chest, John sat up, blinking hard. He recognized the infirmary, although the lighting was dim. Which meant it was night time. Which meant he had fallen asleep for hours instead of minutes. Jerking back the covers, John realized two things at once. One he had an IV taped to the back of his left hand and, two...he was dressed in scrubs. Which meant someone had both undressed him and dressed him and he hadn't even noticed. That bothered him. Alot.

"Dammit!" John hissed, scrubbing his free hand through his hair. Pain thudded lightly in his temples, but what bothered him more were the whispers in his head. He couldn't filter them out. They were the whispers from his dreams. Atlantis talking to him, only he couldn't understand her now.

"Colonel?" Said a familiar voice.

John looked up to see Dr. Strauhan approaching. "Hey, Doc," he said in greeting. Although he wasn't feeling very sociable at the moment. More than anything he was pissed. And he had to pee.

Nick was frowning as he reached him. "You okay?"

"Sure." John figured succint was best.

"Bad dream?" Nick guessed, grinning when John cocked an eyebrow at him.

Sighing, John gave a nod. "Not like the old dreams though," he confessed, feeling grateful for that much.

Nick looked surprised by that, but pleased. "Want to talk about it?"

"I'd rather use the bathroom," John countered.

"I'll bet." Nick was reaching for an IV pole. He unhooked John's back from the wall hook and rehooked it to the pool. "Can you walk okay?"

John glared at him. "Last I checked my legs weren't broken." But then he relented, since it wasn't Nick's fault he'd run himself down. "Sorry..I'm feeling a bit cranky."

Nick nodded. "I can see that." He hovered close by as John slid out of bed.

"I'm good," John said, although he felt a bit of dizziness. He just locked his knees and rode it out, then he grabbed the IV pole and headed for the bathroom. "How long was I out?"

"About ten hours." Nick glanced at his watch before replying. "Hungry?"

John considered, one hand rubbing his flat stomach. "Maybe a little. How pissed is Beckett?"

Nick grinned and shook his head. "He's not mad, just a bit worried. You let yourself get too run down, Colonel."

"It wasn't intentional," John countered, defensively.

"I know." Nick stepped ahead to open the bathroom door.

Just as John was about to step past him, the whispers got a bit louder and he couldn't repress a full body shudder. "Something's not right," he whispered.

A frown marred Nick's face. "What do you mean? Are you in pain?"

"Not with me." John grimaced, pressing fingers to his left temple. "Something's wrong with Atlantis."

"Oh." Nick looked relieved, but at the same time he looked a bit guilty.

John narrowed his gaze at the other man, sensing that there was something going on that he didn't know about. He was going to ask what was up when he suddenly remembered his missing Marine. "Sgt Banes. Did Lorne find him?" He didn't miss the fact that Nick flinched at the name. "What's going on?" John demanded.

Nick made a face then gestured to the bathroom. "Take care of nature first, Colonel. When you're back in bed I'll tell you."

"Tell me now!" John snapped, because he really hated being treated like he was fragile, and he hated being out of the loop. At the moment he wasn't sure which was worst.

"I'll tell you when you're back in bed," Nick shot back, folding his arms over his chest and giving John his best stubborn glare.

Realizing that Nick wasn't going to budge, John pushed past him into the bathroom. He wished he could slam the damn door closed, but had to settle for pretty much stomping his way over to the toilet. He took care of business, washed his hands, splashed cold water on his face then he was heading back out. He didn't acknowlege Nick as he headed back to his bed. John climbed in, peripherally watching the Doc rehook his IV to the wall hook. Then Nick was drawing the covers back over John, fussing with them till John grabbed his forearm. "What happened to Sgt. Bane?" John asked, keeping his tone soft this time. Whatever had happened, he knew it wasn't Nick's fault.

Heaving a shuddery sigh, Nick pulled away from John. He took a moment to clear his throat, then he avoided John's gaze as he blurted out, "Sgt. Bane is dead."

"Dead?" John echoed, and he probably should have expected to hear that, but it shook him. "What happened?" A myriad of thoughts ran through his head. The first one being suicide. Sometimes the new guys didn't deal so well with the realities of the Pegasus galaxy.

"He was...murdered." Nick looked a bit ill as he spoke.

John rocked back, as if Nick had punched him. "Murdered?" He realized he was starting to repeat everything the Doc said. "Tell me what happened." He needed to know the details. He needed to make sense of this. But even as Nick started to speak, John grabbed his arm and said, "Why didn't someone wake me? When did Lorne find him? You should have woke me." They weren't questions or statements, so much as accusations.

Nick locked eyes with John. "Dr. Beckett did try to wake you at Dr. Weir's request. But you were unresponsive and we realized it was best to let you rest. As for when it happened, we're not sure but Dr. Biro figured Banes was killed around twenty to twenty-four hours ago."

"I see." John released his grip on Nick's arm, giving him an apologetic look and getting a nod of acceptance. "Where did Lorne find him?"

"The new labs," Nick replied.

John was stunned. "The one's McKay was trying to set up?" When Nick nodded, John took a moment to try and process what he was hearing. After a moment of tense silence he asked, "How did Banes die?"

Nick looked like he wanted to be somewhere else. He pretty much shuffled his feet before clearing his throat again and then replying," He was stabbed in the back. Three times."

"Sonofabitch!" John was angry and surprised and overwhelmed all at once. Shoving back the covers he started to get up only to find Nick's hands hard on his shoulders and pushing him back. "I have to talk to Rodney, and Major Lorne and Elizabeth!" John snapped, ineffectively trying to push Nick off him.

"It's the middle of the night, Colonel," Nick said calmly, not releasing his grip on John's shoulders. "Everything that could be done for now, has been. There's nothing you can do right now and no reason to wake people up. I'll be sure to get the message to Dr. Weir that you need to see her in the morning. For now, you need to rest."

John knew Nick was right, but he wasn't happy about it. And he doubted he could rest. He was too wound up for one thing and, for another, the whispers in his head were getting louder. Making himself relax against the pillows, he laid his arms at his sides and said, "Fine, I'll be good."

Nick narrowed his gaze at him, then he nodded and released him. "Do you need something to help you sleep?"

"Probably, but I don't want it." John needed to be awake and alert the moment Elizabeth came to see him.

"I'll give you something mild," Nick countered. "You need the rest even more than you need to eat right now."

Which John knew was Nick's message that he needed to make up for what he didn't eat come morning. He also knew that he did need the rest. His body was screaming that at him. So he nodded, then watched Nick dump something into his IV port. "I'm signing out of here tomorrow," John warned, even as he felt a warm flush in his veins and his eyelids grew heavy.

Nick patted his shoulder. "Take it up with Dr. Beckett. Sweet dreams, Colonel."

John didn't even get the chance to reply before he drifted away.

OoO

He could hear Atlantis whispering to him, but that's not what woke John up. It was Rodney and Beckett arguing that drew John out of his slumber. He shifted until he was sitting up, then scrubbed the remaining sleep out of his eyes before snapping, "What's wrong?"

The argument broke off abruptly and Carson was at John's side in a heartbeat. A weary smile crossed his face as he asked, "How are you feeling, Colonel?"

"Fine." John gave the standard reply. He searched Carson's face, then looked at Rodney who had moved to the foot of the bed. "Any updates on what happened to Sgt. Banes?" He addressed the question to McKay.

"No. Nothing." Rodney was fidgety and pale. "Major Lorne has a team searching every possibilty and Dr. Biro is working with one of my people doing as much forensic work as we're capable of. We didn't really expect something like this to happen."

John knew that, but muttered, "Maybe we should have."

Rodney looked deflated. "Yeah...I guess."

"Are you hungry, Colonel?" Carson interjected. He was taking John's vitals as he spoke.

"Yeah, but I can grab something in the messhall after I shower and get dressed," John replied, locking eyes with Beckett and daring him to argue with him.

Which Carson did anyway. "You're eating here and we'll see about releasing you depending upon how well you eat and the like." It was a vauge response and Carson looked tense.

John winced but didn't argue. For now. He knew how to pick and choose his battles. "Can I get something to eat now?" he requested. He realized he really was hungry and that it had been probably over a day since he last ate. And he couldn't help but wonder how much that set him back for his weigh ins. But before he could contemplate it further, Elizabeth arrived.

"How are you feeling, John?" she asked, reaching his side.

"I'm good." He smiled at her, letting his eyes roam over her. She looked okay, which was a relief. "You?"

Elizabeth returned his smile."I'm fine. Glad to be back, but not happy about what's happened."

John couldn't agree more. "Has anyone else turned up missing?" he queried. He was thinking either the killer or another victim might slip past their radar, so to speak.

"We did a head count and everyone is where they belong," Elizabeth replied.

"Which is creepy," Rodney interjected, and when everyone looked at him he clarified. "Knowing someone amongst us is a killer and that another one of us might be the next victim."

John tried to nip Rodney's fears in the bud. He knew the scientist could, and would, way over think things. "This could just be a one time thing. Revenge for something. A fight gone wrong. We'll figure it out."

Rodney looked at John for a moment, then nodded, as if accepting him at his word. "I hope so. But I'll still feel better once we catch the killer."

"Me too," Elizabeth replied.

"I'll go send someone to get your breakfast, Colonel," Carson stated, looking like he might be ill. He nodded at them as a group then headed off.

John reached for the bed controls, raising the back up so he could sit more comfortably. He really hated being incapacitated at the moment. He wanted to be doing something, even though he knew Lorne would be doing everything that needed to be done. So he looked at McKay. "I hear Sgt. Banes was found in the new labs."

Rodney nodded. "I think we'll just be shutting that are down permanently."

"Where abouts was he found?" John prompted. He was gathering info for when he got out of the infirmary. He was going to do his own investigation.

"In one of the rooms we hadn't checked yet. Storage area," Rodney replied.

John had another question but swallowed it and pressed his hands over his ears. Atlantis was whispering to him again. Louder this time. He knew something was wrong, but it was starting to freak him out. He wasn't supposed to be hearing voices.

A hand touched his arm. Elizabeth was eyeing him with concern. "John...are you all right? Do you need me to call Carson?"

"No!" He dropped his hands and smiled at her. "I'm fine. Just feeling a little groggy from the sedative Nick gave me last night. I'm good, really." He wanted to wipe away the worry that darkened her eyes. But he closed his own eyes when the whispers spiked. "Atlantis..." John whispered.

"Atlantis?" Rodney echoed, looking confused.

John's eyes flew open. "Something's wrong."

Rodney snorted. "No kidding. We have a murderer on the loose, Colonel. You're ability to state the obvious is astounding."

"We'll find who did it," John said firmly. For his own sake as well as Rodney's.

"Just don't push yourself too hard, John," Elizabeth cautioned. She looked like she wanted to say more but her radio buzzed for attention. She listened a moment then said she'd be on her way. "Technical difficulties," Elizabeth said to John, then she looked to Rodney. "I could use your help."

Rodney nodded.

John looked at Elizabeth. "Keep me updated until I'm out of here?"

"I will." She patted his shoulder then headed off with Rodney in tow.

The moment they were gone, John considered sneaking out. Might have actually tried if Beckett hadn't appeared with his tray. It was settled over his lap on the tray table and John stared at the contents. Oatmeal, toast and orange juice. More than he wanted, but he started eating without argument. He managed to eat most of it before conceding defeat and giving Beckett puppy dog eyes. The man had stood guard over him the entire time. "Can I go now?"

Carson looked like he was going to say no, but then he sighed and nodded. "For now," he allowed, as he moved the tray table off and set about removing John's IV. "But don't over do and I will be checking up on you."

"I'll be good," John promised, as he slid out of bed. "Clothes?"

"In your room." Carson grinned. "You know we don't trust you, son." He patted John on the shoulder then scurried off when a nurse waved for his attention.

John cursed under his breath, although he wasn't really surprised or angry. He scuttled out of there and made for his room. A shower helped invigorate him, and he knew the sleep and food did it's part in making him feel better. Which was a positive thing all the way around because he needed to be focused and alert. There was a killer on Atlantis and he was going to find the bastard.

Once dried off and dressed, John strapped on his thigh holster, tucked his radio in his ear, shrugged on his jacket, then turned back to get his knife and slid it into the scabbard at the small of his back. Now he was ready. He headed out and went straight for the new labs. After he did a once over on his own, then John would talk to Lorne and get a report from Dr. Biro. He wanted to see everything from an untarnished point of view first.

It was easy enough to find the room Rodney told him about. There was red tape over it. John entered and there wasn't much to see but the blood on the floor. It was streaked in places and there was an area that looked smeared, like a part of it had been wiped up. John was kneeling beside it when he heard the whispers again. Atlantis was trying to tell him something.

Rising to his feet, John knew what he needed to do. He needed to talk to Atlantis. Slipping into the nearest transporter, John made his way to the Chair room. It was deserted and he was grateful. Not that anyone would have a reason for being there right now. Moving to the chair, John knew what to do to get it online, so to speak. Then he sat down and it lit up instantly.

John was about to make his connection only a tiny voice in his head was chiding him. So he tapped his radio and contacted Rodney.

"I'm busy, Colonel!" McKay snapped.

"I need you in the chair room, Rodney," John replied. "It's important."

A heavy sigh then, "I'll be there in an hour or so."

John rolled his eyes, even though McKay couldn't see him. "I need you now, Rodney. This could be very important." 

"Fine! I'll just drop everything at your beck and call!" Rodney snapped. He muttered quietly a moment then added, loudly, "I'll be there in five minutes. Don't do anything I'll regret." 

"Right." John tapped off then closed his eyes and reached out for Atlantis.

The whispers in his head got louder, and more distorted, becoming more of a loud buzzing noise. Then, without warning, pain lanced through his head. White-hot and burning, making John grit his teeth as his body arched in the chair.

Then darkness claimed him.

**THE END...of part 31**


	32. Chapter 32

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 32**

Elizabeth felt weary as she sat down behind her desk. Sitting across from her were Beckett and Rodney, sitting on her couch to the side was Teyla. Ronon was pacing from corner to corner and Lorne was standing near the door, looking tense. She looked at everyone, meeting their eyes for a moment, then she folded his hands on top of the desk and began. "I need to be updated on everything," Elizabeth stated, locking her gaze on Beckett. "Let's start with Colonel Sheppard. How is he doing?"

Carson looked worried. "He's still unconscious and largely unresponsive. I've run what tests I could and there's nothing showing up to give me a reason why he's not waking up. Everything is normal."

"So he's not in a coma or anything like that?" Elizabeth queried.

"No." Carson shrugged. "The best hope I can give is that he should wake up, hopefully soon."

Rodney made a sound that was a cross between a snort of disgust and a grunt of disbelief. "That was so incredibly helpful!" he snapped. "Thank you!"

Carson glared at him. "I'm sorry, Rodney. Would you like me to make something up?"

"Gentlemen," Elizabeth gently chided. When their attention was back on her she said to Rodney, "Can you tell us what happened in the Chair room?"

"I've already told you," Rodney shot back, looking disgruntled. He folded his arms over his chest and slouched down further in his chair. But one leg was bouncing up and down, betraying his anxiety. "Sheppard called me to the chair room saying he needed me and that it was important. He didn't say what he needed me for. By the time I got there he was unconscious and half slumped out of the chair. I called for Beckett and you know the rest."

Elizabeth sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She had hoped maybe Rodney had forgotten something from before but no such luck. "Why would John go to the chair?" she mused out loud.

Rodney spoke up, looking a bit hesitant. "Um...it might be Atlantis connected. Maybe."

"Why do you say that?" Lorne interjected, looking much more interested in the conversation than he had a minute ago.

"Because when we had the power outage problem before, Sheppard got in the chair and Atlantis told him what was wrong," Rodney explained.

Elizabeth was stunned. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

Rodney winced. "Because you didn't ask and we had other things going on," he defended himself. "Look, he led me to the labs where Sgt. Banes was killed and we found what we believe to be a Wraith device. It was in the same room the Wraith was hiding in right before the attack, so we're pretty sure he planted it then. It apparently didn't activate until we started bringing stuff in that area online. I have Radek testing it and we don't know much yet. But it was messing with Atlantis's systems, to put it in layman's terms."

"So what's messing with the systems now?" Ronon asked. And even as he spoke the lights in the office flickered.

"I have no idea," Rodney replied, looking vexed.

Elizabeth wished her answer man did have the answer. Ever since John's collapse, Atlantis had been having problems. Rodney had checked out the Chair and the systems and such and he couldn't find anything to explain what was happening. Power was fluctuating at random, systems were shutting down and coming back up without rhyme or reason. Elizabeth knew Rodney and his team were doing everything they could to fix things, but it wasn't enough. Add to that the fact they had a killer running loose and John was unconscious in the infirmary, Elizabeth was pretty damn sure her day couldn't get any worse. At least she hoped not. "So..what's the worst case scenario, Rodney?"

He heaved a dramatic sigh, then pinned her with a glare. "How the hell should I know? Obviously the worst thing that could happen is Atlantis shuts down on us. If that happens, we're totally screwed."

"Do you think Colonel Sheppard might know what happened?" Teyla queried from her place on the couch. She looked as worried as everyone else, yet her voice was calm and almost soothing.

"I suppose he might," Rodney allowed. "If he'd wake up we could ask him."

Elizabeth looked at Carson. "Have you tried giving him something to wake him?"

Carson shook his head. "No. Since I don't know what's wrong with him, I don't want to risk something that might do more harm than good."

"Agreed." Elizabeth needed John back and well. He was still so far from being back to one hundred percent as it was, she wasn't going to risk doing him further damage. Swallowing a sigh of frustration, Elizabeth looked to Lorne. "Any luck with finding out who our killer is?"

"Afraid not." Lorne looked unhappy having to report that. "I realize it would be an invasion of privacy, but the next best thing we can try is a systematic search of work areas and quarters. We need to find the weapon."

Ronon grunted and everyone looked at him. He stopped pacing and said, "If I had murdered someone and wanted to hide it, I'd toss the weapon into the water. It's a safe bet you won't find it on Atlantis now."

Lorne made a face then nodded. "That's my first thought too, but a search might still be useful. We might find something else out."

"If you at least had a suspect I wouldn't mind you doing a search," Elizabeth replied. "But to allow you to invade everyone's privacy without reason gives me pause. We have enough tension and fear and distrust to deal with. If you violate everyone's privacy, we're going to have more troubles."

"I agree with Elizabeth," Teyla spoke up.

Carson was nodding as well. "So do I. Besides which, if you do search, the killer is going to know it and hide anything suspicious."

Lorne sighed. "Yeah, I know. But I don't know what else to do?"

"Bet Sheppard would have an idea," Rodney muttered.

"No doubt," Elizabeth replied. She had been thinking the same thing. "But until he wakes up and shares his thoughts with us, we'll have to muddle through with tighter security measures. And on that note, you're all dismissed." She watched them trickle out of her office, closing the door behind them. Once she was alone, Elizabeth sagged back into her chair and closed her eyes.

This was one of those rare times when she wished she had never come to Atlantis.

OoO

The whispers were gone and John knew that was a bad thing. He felt floaty, like he was drifting on water, his body feeling lethargic but somewhat weightless at the same time. It took an effort to peel his eyes open and he was surprised to recognize his surroundings. The infirmary.

"Finally!" Huffed a familiar voice to John's left.

He turned his head to see McKay setting aside his lap top and rising to his feet.

"What did you do?" Rodney asked, as he shook a finger in John's face.

"W-what?" John felt fuzzy and confused.

Rodney sighed dramatically. "What did you do in the chair, Colonel? Whatever it was, you messed up Atlantis."

Atlantis. John made to sit up only to have to fight off a head rush. Then hands were gripping his shoulders and suddenly Beckett's face was looming over him. John blinked hard to bring him into focus. "Hey, Doc," he whispered.

"Colonel." Carson had his penlight out and shining in John's eyes. He didn't look happy at what he saw. "How are you feeling?"

"Not sure." John figured it would be best to be honest until he knew what was going on. "How long have I been here?"

Rodney answered. "Twenty-two hours, eleven minutes, six seconds."

John winced. "Oh."

"Do you remember what happened to you, lad?" Carson patted John's shoulder, then moved to check his IV line.

"I remember being in the chair," John allowed. He felt his eyes go wide. "Atlantis...something's wrong!" John felt a sudden rush of urgency, only he didn't know exactly what was wrong.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "No kidding. We've got systems going off and on line. Random power fluctuations. Another dead body."

John stiffened."What?" He watched Rodney's face go pale and realized the man already looked like death warmed over. "What happened? Another murder?"

"Afraid so," Carson replied, and he looked worn and haggard. "One of my nurses this time. You remember Helen?"

"Red-hair and a big smile?" John said. At Carson's nod he closed his eyes, trying to restore order to the chaos that was suddenly his thoughts and emotions. Helen had been an older nurse, the motherly type, and she never let John get away with anything. He mourned her loss, but right now he needed to focus on finding the bastard who'd killed her. "What happened?"

Rodney had grabbed his chair and he pulled it close to sit down heavily. After scrubbing a hand over his face he answered. "Same as before. Three stabs to the back."

Carson looked angry. "Bloody bastard is a coward to boot!" he snarled. But then he instantly deflated and swayed on his feet, catching himself with a hand on John's bedrail.

"I'm sorry, Carson," John said softly. He patted Beckett's hand then looked at Rodney. "To answer your question from before, I don't know what happened to Atlantis. I went to the Chair to get answers. She's been...talking to me." He steeled himself for the reactions he knew he would get from that confession. And he wasn't disappointed.

"Talking to you?" Rodney echoed. "Like..having an actual conversation talking?"

John grimaced because it wasn't going to be easy to explain when he didn't understand it himself. "Sort of," he allowed. "Not like you and I are talking now, but she was whispering to me. Trying to communicate. So I sat in the chair and there was nothing but pain. She's hurting."

Rodney looked grim. "Can you hear her now?"

"No." Which worried John to no end.

"Is it like before?" Rodney prompted. "Like when you could feel her?"

John shook his head, instantly regretting it as pain throbbed in his temples. He felt a hand touch his arm and turned his head to see Carson eyeing him with concern. "I'm fine," John replied.

Carson shook his head. "No, you're not. I couldn't wake you up, lad. What's happened in the past two days has set you back quite a bit. I don't even have to weigh you to know you've lost at least a pound."

"I know." John wasn't too happy about that, but there was nothing he could do about it now. He shifted to get more comfortable only to realize he had a catheter. Grimacing, he waved a hand over his lap. "Can we get rid of this?"

"We'll discuss it later." Carson's tone brooked no arguments.

But John wasn't giving in. "Look...I'm okay now. Tired and a bit hungry and I would kill for a shower, but...okay. And I can't stay here. There's a murderer loose in Atlantis and something is wrong with the city. You want to lock me up and throw away the key when we've caught the bad guy and fixed Atlantis...fine. But until then I'm going to do my job. Before we lose someone else. Or run the risk of losing everyone." A look at Rodney confirmed John's worst fears. The scientist was worried about what might happen with Atlantis. John knew enough to know that if Atlantis shut down, they were all doomed.

Carson clucked his tongue, looked like he wanted to argue, but then he sighed and nodded. "After you eat and I give you a thorough once over you can return to your quarters. But I will be watching your every move, Colonel. Me or one of my spies. You're no good to us if you do yourself in."

"I know that." John smiled to let Carson know he understood. "Special circumstances, Doc. Bring on the food, because I need to get back in the chair."

"Fine." Carson hustled off.

Rodney looked at John. "What do you think is wrong?"

John shrugged. "Wish I knew. Maybe it's connected to that device we found. Did you find out anything about it?"

"Nothing useful," Rodney replied, looking worried. "This is bad, Sheppard. Really bad. Add a killer running amuck in the city and people are scared witless. Me included."

"We'll catch the bastard," John promised. And it was a promise he intended to keep.

Rodney held his gaze for a long moment, then he nodded. "I'll be in the Chair room. When Beckett frees you...well, that's where I'll be."

John nodded. "I'll be there soon." He watched Rodney grab his lap top then walk out. Once he was alone, he had to fight the urge to rip out the IV and the catheter and just head out. But John knew he wasn't in any condition to do that. He knew he needed to fuel his body. He'd have to follow certain conditions if he wanted to be on his feet and functional. So when Beckett arrived with a tray of food, John didn't fuss about it. He simply dug in and ate as much as he could.

After that he suffered through an exam, being as honest with Carson as he could and agreeing to a multitude of tests once the killer was found and Atlantis was back to normal. He also swore he would let Carson know if anything felt wrong or off with him. He also spent ten minutes convincing the Doc that he needed to go in the chair. Carson finally agreed to it, but only if Dr. Strauhan was present. Which wasn't a bad idea, so John conceded.

Finally he got the IV and catheter removed and he was allowed to go to his room. John felt a bit lightheaded as he showered, but by the time he was dressed he felt better. He had just laced on his boots when a knock sounded on his door. To his surprise it was Nick. "Guess Beckett called you," John offered in greeting.

"He did," Nick allowed. "You look ready to go." He gave John the once over, his doctor's eyes missing nothing.

"I have a killer to catch and a city to fix," John replied. "I'd better be ready."

Nick nodded then held out a power bar. "Start chowing, Colonel. We have a pound or two to put back on you."

John sighed but took the bar and peeled it open. "Come on," he said, after taking a bite. "Time to go to work."

They made their way to the chair room in companionable silence. Rodney was there, as promised, hunched over his laptop on the floor. 

"About time!" Rodney snapped at them, then he pointed a finger at Nick. "Why is he here? I thought you were okay?"

"I am okay," John replied. "Doc's just here to make sure I stay that way." He grinned at Nick. "Right?"

Nick smiled back, then stepped out of the way as McKay brushed past him rather rudely. "I'm just here to observe for the most part." Which he said for McKay's benefit.

Rodney waved a hand at him. "Whatever." He stabbed a finger at John. "Get in the chair. We're wasting time."

"Right." John did as he was told and the chair lit up immediately. But it didn't feel right. Something felt off.

"Can you run a systems check?" Rodney asked.

John closed his eyes and concentrated. "No. I can't get connected."

Rodney grunted then started typing furiously on his lap top. "Are you feeling anything bad? Like the thing that knocked you out the last time?"

"No." Which John was ever so grateful for. "I can't really explain it but...it's like Atlantis is there, but I can't feel her." Which wasn't exactly right but the best he could clarify. "I"m going to try something."

"Like what?" Rodney looked suspicious and worried.

John opened his eyes and offered a smile. "Relax. I'm just going to see if I can initiate a connect. Usually it's Atlantis connecting with me." That said, he closed his eyes again and concentrated on reaching out to the city. In a sense it was like he was trying to send tendrils of himself to her in the hopes she could do the same. Something almost happened, John sensed Atlantis reaching out to him, when he sensed something else as well.

Someone was coming. John bolted out of the chair and had his side arm up and ready. Only to let his guard down when Ronon and Teyla entered the room. "What are you two doing here?" John asked, reholstering his gun.

"Elizabeth sent us to keep watch over you," Teyla replied. "She is worried."

"Me too," John replied. He knew Elizabeth had a right to be. They all did. John nodded to Ronon, who nodded back then made a circuit of the room.

Rodney looked pissed. He glared at Teyla then looked at John. "Can we try again...this century?"

John was ready. He sat back down, closed his eyes and reached out. This time he got something. More a feeling than anything else, so he reached out harder...farther...and suddenly he heard a whisper in his mind. It translated into a plea for help. He tried to tell her they would help her when suddenly he felt as if he were being sucked into an abyss. John fought against it and the whispers got louder. Then they went quiet and there was a soft sound, almost like a melody, playing in his head. John knew it was Atlantis. He knew he could trust her. So he gave himself up and went along for the ride.

OoO

Nick was focused on Watching Sheppard, but he was aware of Ronon and Teyla keeping watch over all of them. He was distracted when Ronon stated her heard something.

Rodney looked irritated. "So go check it out then. If it's the killer, blast the hell out of him."

"I will go with you," Teyla announced, ushering Ronon through the door.

Nick returned his attention to Sheppard who had not moved other than for his slender body to suddenly seem to relax. Nick moved closer. Sheppard looked almost serene in this moment. He glanced at his watch. Twenty minutes had passed.

Another ten passed before Ronon returned. He glanced around the room and looked surprised. "Where's Teyla?":

"She was with you," Rodney reminded him.

"She headed back here over five minutes ago," Ronon replied.

Rodney looked up from his laptop. "That's not good."

Nick felt a flare of panic. He had a bad feeling about everything so he stepped closer to the chair and tapped Sheppard on the shoulder. He was relieved when the Colonel opened his eyes. "Teyla is missing," Nick told him.

"What?" Sheppard was out of the chair in a heartbeat.

"What did you do?" Rodney asked, jumping to his feet and going to the Colonel and grabbing his arm. "Did you connect with Atlantis?"

John looked a bit distracted, but he shook himself and nodded. "I think so. I was trying to help her repair things, but it's a mess."

Rodney made a face. "No kidding. You were downloading all kinds of weird stuff."

"We'll talk about it later," John said, moving to Ronon. "What happened to Teyla?"

"I heard something and we went to check it out," Ronon explained. "When we didn't see anything she said she was coming back here. I did a quick sweep and returned and she wasn't here."

John's hand lifted to his ear. "Teyla, it's Sheppard. Do you read me?"

Nick found himself holding his breath as he waited for a reply. He sensed they all were. But nothing happened.

"Dammit!" John looked pissed and worried. "Ronon, see if you can track her." He watched the Runner head out, then turned to Rodney. "We'll finish this later. See what you can find. Lock yourself in until a guard arrives. I"ll send two men."

"Got it." Rodney went back to his lap top, but he looked a bit pale.

John turned to Nick. "I'll escort you back to the infirmary."

Nick nodded. He was ready to go back. They left the room and headed down the corridor. "How are you feeling, Colonel?" he asked, the doctor in him never at rest.

"I'm tired, but I'm okay." John's tone was firm.

They made it to the infirmary in record time. Nick started to go in but stopped when John's radio went off.

"Sheppard here."

"It's Ronon. I don't have a trail to follow."

John sighed. "Keep looking. I"m going to hook up with Lorne and we'll back track as well." He tapped off then looked at Nick. "Don't go anywhere alone, doc."

Nick nodded. "Good luck, Colonel."

"Thanks. I have a feeling I'm going to need it." That said, John took off down the hallway.

OoO

In a small, windowless room, Teyla lay on the floor unconscious.

A figure sat in the shadows singing softly to her.

**THE END...of part 32**

Top of Form

Bottom of Form


	33. Chapter 33

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 33

John walked down the hall with Ronon, following the runner until he finally stopped. "This is where Teyla and I were when she headed back to the chair room," said the Satedan.

John turned and looked back the way they had just come. "Okay, you check every room in this hall. I'm going up ahead and check every room in the next hall. We'll do that all the way back. Lorne and his group should be here any minute. We'll put them to work checking the side halls. She didn't just vanish."

Ronon nodded. "No, she didn't. And when I find who has her, I'm going to make them wish they'd never set foot on Atlantis."

"Only if you find him before I do, Chewy, otherwise I get the honors. Radio me if you find anything or when you jump to the next hallway."

Ronon nodded as he opened the first door and began to explore the room. Sheppard walked to the end of the hall and turned left, opening the first door he came to.

Several minutes later, John palmed a door control, only to have the door refuse to open. He tried again, putting some concentration in it. It had all the appearance of overriding a door lock, and that put him on edge. Peering into the room however, all he saw was a bunch of stacked boxes. He slipped into the room and over to his right, carefully looking behind the large pile. Nothing. He beginning to relax when he heard what sounded like a low moan from the other side of the room. Moving quickly toward the sound, he scanned what he could see of the open space for trouble.

He reached the back of the room and looked around another stack of boxes to see Teyla beginning to stir in the floor. "Teyla," he whispered as he rushed to her side and kneeled beside her, his hand instinctively feeling for a pulse. She moaned again and he put one hand on her shoulder. "Teyla, it's John. Just take it easy."

Tapping his radio, he began calling for help. "Ronon, it's Sheppard," he said, still speaking quietly. "I found Teyla in the third room on the right side of the hall. We need a med team and some backup."

The radio crackled, static filling the air. "Shep . . . oom . . . hall . . . at . . . "

Sheppard sighed and hit his radio again. "Ronon, did you get any of that . . . Ronon?"

John started to turn at the sound behind him, only to feel a sharp pain flash across the back of his head right before darkness descended.

oOo

John felt the bindings on his wrists and ankles even before he opened his eyes and saw them. He was lying on his back, placing an unpleasant amount of pressure against the bump on the back of his head. He opened his eyes, expecting to find himself in a cell, only to realize he was in Atlantis.

"John?"

Teyla's voice brought him back to the present. He twisted around so that he could see her lying next to him, now also bound. "Teyla, are you all right?"

"I am fine," she ground out. "However, we are being held prisoner."

John had to refrain from laughing or commenting as he would to McKay. "Yeah, I kind of picked up on that."

"Ah, you're both conscious again." The voice moved closer with the approaching footsteps and John squinted in the darkness to see who it belonged to. As the man stepped around the boxes, he recognized the uniform first. A marine sat on a lone box just a few feet away, pointing a gun in their direction. "Don't worry, it won't last long."

The name suddenly came to him. "Gerard? You want to explain to me exactly what you think you're doing?"

"Oh, just a little business venture, Colonel. I'll admit there have been a few problems lately, but once you two are out of the way, everything should be back to normal."

John cringed as he slid a look to Teyla. "I think maybe you've been watching too many movies. What is all this stuff and what are you doing with it?"

"Securing my future. I've been collecting artifacts and technology since I got here almost a year ago, stuff I can sell to the highest bidder once I get back to Earth. I'm going to be able to take an early retirement, a very rich early retirement."

"Why did you kill Banes?" John asked pointedly.

Gerard paused. "Yeah, it was ashamed about that. He stumbled on my stash as I was adding to it and figured out almost immediately what was going on. A little too smart for his own good. I offered to cut him in, but all he could talk about was _telling Colonel Sheppard_." Gerard glanced down at Sheppard and smiled. "Ironic, don't you think?"

"Ronon knows where we are. It's only a matter of time before he's here with backup." John nodded confidently to Teyla, trying to let her know that Ronon really did know where they were.

Gerard just shook his head. "They would have been here by now if they knew. This actually is a storage room and it can be shielded, Colonel, which it is. I'm not sure if that was to protect the stored materials or to protect Atlantis, but it doesn't matter. You're radio was breaking up, wasn't it? No one is coming. I just need to let the area clear out and then I can get rid of you."

Teyla tried to reason with the man, putting her diplomatic skills to the ultimate test. "If you kill us here, you're . . . stash, will be found. Maybe you could let us go and we could work out a deal for you."

Gerard grinned. "Nice try, but I don't think so. I already have a good plan. When the area calms down, I'll stun you both, drag you to another lab, and kill you like I did the others. Atlantis will be lost without the great John Sheppard," Gerard smirked. "They'll probably close this area down, and my stuff will be safe until I leave on the Daedalus in few months."

"You don't _have_ to kill us," said John.

"Yes, I do. No witnesses." His expression softened when he looked at Teyla. "Killing you will be especially hard, though. You are a very beautiful woman and at one time I had hoped . . . well, that doesn't matter any more. Look, I didn't plan on killing anyone when this started, but I've gone too far to stop now. I've killed to keep this little secret and I can kill again. I'm _not_ going to give up and go to prison when I can be rich and free. Save your breath."

The three of them were suddenly startled by the sounds of someone at the door. Gerard put the gun to Teyla's head to keep them quiet. John tried to give her a calming look, but he wasn't sure how calm he actually looked when he felt anything but. He had tried to leave the door unlocked when he entered, but he had no idea if it had stayed that way. A few seconds later, it was quiet.

"See, no one can get in here," said Gerard. "Well, no one but you," he said, nodding toward Sheppard. He stood back up and slowly eased around the boxes and out of their sight. A few seconds later, they heard the sound of a scuffle and stunner fire.

Ronon's head came carefully around the corner. "They're over here," he called behind him. It was then they heard the sounds of several sets of feet.

"What took you so long?" asked Sheppard in annoyance as Ronon and Lorne began cutting their bindings off.

"You need to learn to give directions," replied the former runner.

John sighed as he rubbed his now free wrists. "I said third room on the right."

Ronon nodded. "Yeah, but this was the second door on the left."

John started to shake his head, but that doubled the throbbing, so he immediately stopped. He gently rubbed the back of his head and then looked startled. "Oh . . . shoot . . . I turned around and came back from the other direction. I guess it was the second door on the left from your way. Sorry about that."

"We still found you. The radio was breaking up, so I was beginning to think I'd heard you wrong."

John seemed disturbed as he frowned at the floor. "I can't believe I made a mistake like that." He finally looked up at Teyla. "You okay?"

Teyla nodded. "I am fine. It is nothing that some of Dr. Beckett's Tylenol will not cure."

John nodded. "I take it you stunned Gerard?"

"Yeah, he'll be out for a little while."

"Is he our killer?"

John looked up to see Lorne had joined them. "Yes, he's the one. He admitted to killing Banes, although we didn't get the chance to talk about Helen, so I'm not sure what happened there. Lorne, please see that he gets locked up."

Lorne nodded, happy to carry out the orders. "I'll get some men to help you two up to the infirmary."

John waved his hand dismissively. "I'm fine, but Teyla was out for a little while. Ronon, why don't you see Teyla gets to the infirmary while I check on Rodney."

Ronon stood and gave Teyla a hand. "Only on the condition that you join us when you get Dr. McKay."

"Okay, fine. Let me check on him and we'll be there shortly."

Lorne went back to see to the transfer of Gerard and Ronon insisted Teyla lean on him as they walked since she was unsteady on her feet. John headed for the chair room, calling Elizabeth on the radio as he walked.

"Elizabeth, it's John."

"John, _please_ tell me you have good news, because there isn't any to be found up here."

John frowned at that. "Well, I do have good news. We found Teyla and she isn't seriously injured. Ronon is helping her to the infirmary. We also caught our killer, a marine named Gerard who's been stashing technology and artifacts to sell when he got back to Earth. Lorne's getting him a nice, private holding cell as we speak. What's going on up there?"

"The control systems have been off and on for the last two hours, mostly off. Everything seems to be completely haywire at the moment. That's good news about Teyla and catching the killer though." Her voice relayed the tense atmosphere of the control room very vividly.

"I'm just getting back to the chair room to check on Rodney. We'll see if we can do anything from this end."

"Thanks John. Weir out."

John nodded at the guards standing outside the door to the chair room, dismissing them, and then knocked on the door. "Rodney, it's Sheppard. Everything's okay, so let me in."

A muffled voice came from the other side of the door. "How do I know it's really Sheppard?"

John sighed heavily and rubbed his aching head. "If you don't open the door, I'll open it myself and shoot you."

"Okay, it's you," McKay said as he opened the door. "I heard you found Teyla. She's okay?"

"Yeah, she's got a bump on the head, but Ronon's taking her to Carson. Did you hear what Elizabeth said about the controls?"

Rodney nodded. "Did that guy do any of this?"

"No, this is still from the Wraith device we found. It went deeper in the central control systems than we originally thought. That's what I was working on before Teyla turned up missing. We need to get back to work on that." John headed straight for the chair.

"Wait," said Rodney nervously. "Shouldn't we call for Nick or Carson to come back down here?"

"Yeah, probably," John agreed reluctantly. He tapped his radio. "Carson, it's Sheppard. Rodney and I are going to work on system repairs from the chair again."

"Colonel," Carson said sharply. "Ronon and Teyla have informed me you took a blow to the head. I want you up here immediately."

John bowed his head, annoyed that he had forgotten about that. He lifted it to see Rodney narrowing his eyes accusingly. "Carson, I'm fine. No nausea or dizziness, just a little headache. And everything was fine with chair last time. Just send Nick back down to confirm I'm okay. We _have_ to get controls back online before someone not so friendly comes through the gate or Atlantis shuts down completely."

They waited for his reply, John hoping he'd accurately conveyed the urgency of the situation to the doctor. He almost jumped when the radio finally came to life.

"Nick's on his way. Wait for him." John didn't miss the warning tone in Carson's voice and he had to smile in spite of the situation.

"Understood. Thanks, Doc."

"Colonel . . . be careful."

John smiled again. "I will. Sheppard out." He looked over at Rodney. "Are you ready to go?

Rodney looked down at the open laptop. "Should be, but it wouldn't hurt to check the connections while we wait."

Nick arrived a few minutes later and went straight to checking Sheppard out. John sat quietly and let the doctor carry out the exam, trying to control the growing impatience he felt inside. Nick finally stood up and closed his bag.

"Are we done yet?" John snapped. He immediately regretted the tone of voice he'd used. "Sorry, Doc, I just feel like we need to get on this before something else happens."

Nick grinned at him. "I don't take it personally. I think you're good to go, but the minute this is over, Carson wants you in the infirmary for a more thorough exam."

"I figured," said John dejectedly. "I guess I'll just be happy he let me stay, because we need to work on this. Rodney, are you ready?"

"Anytime you are."

John nodded and sat down in the chair, resulting in it leaning back and activating. He closed his eyes and concentrated on connecting with Atlantis, as he'd done before. He reached out to her and was relieved when he felt her respond. A brief tremor of pain ran through him, causing him to shiver for a moment. Atlantis was still hurting and he had to help her.

"Okay, I'm getting stuff now," said Rodney as he began working on the laptop.

"So, how does this work? What's Colonel Sheppard actually doing?"

Rodney glared at Nick, who was bent over looking over his shoulder. "Do you mind? I have a certain amount of work space I need to work effectively, and it's about twice as much as what you're currently giving me."

Nick grinned sheepishly and stepped back and he straightened. "Sorry, just curious."

"Well, you don't see me hanging over your shoulder while you perform surgery, asking inane questions. I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that to me."

"Right . . . I'll just wait over here . . . out of the way." Nick moved to the other side of Sheppard, where he could keep a close eye on the colonel while keeping a safe distance from McKay.

"Good, I'd appreciate that." McKay worked in silence for a few moments before pausing, almost as if having second thoughts. "Look, it's hard to explain. Some things Sheppard downloads into my computer and I can fix the problem. At the same time as I'm doing that, he's somehow connecting with Atlantis to fix things from the inside. I have no idea how he knows what to do, since this is hardly his area of expertise, but somehow he does. Now, if I could connect to the city like he does, we could fix this thing I half the time because I actually know what I'm doing."

Nick nodded as he watched Sheppard, the only movement being the rise and fall of his chest and an occasional change of expression. "So, basically you're jealous."

"What . . . no . . . I said no such thing. I am in _no way_ jealous of a shallow, flirting, self-sacrificing flyboy. Not now or ever." McKay never lifted his face to look at Nick, but the doctor thought he could see a bit of color creeping up the scientist's neck.

"I can see that," Nick said, smiling to himself. Nick settled back and watched Sheppard for the next thirty minutes. By then, he was getting worried, so he walked over to the colonel and gently took his wrist, feeling for a pulse.

John was so deeply into Atlantis that he was almost unaware of the doctor's check. Without breaking the connection, he slit his eyes enough to see Nick's concerned face. "I'm okay," he whispered before closing his eyes and returning to his task. He knew that he was making progress, but he also knew they still had a lot to do.

Ronon strolled into the room, stopping in the doorway to look around. Rodney glanced quickly over his shoulder and then turned back to his work. "How's Teyla?"

"Fine," rumbled Ronon. "Dr. Beckett said she has a concussion, so she has to stay in the infirmary tonight. She told me to check on you three and make sure you were okay."

"She _told_ you?" asked Rodney, amazement in his voice.

Ronon walked forcefully over to stand directly behind McKay, his arms crossed. "Do you have a problem with that?"

McKay hesitated a split second before resuming his work. "No . . . no problem at all."

"Hey, Dr. McKay," said Nick from across the room. "Have you told Ronon about your work space needs lately, cause he looks awfully close to me."

McKay rolled his eyes as he stopped typing completely and glared at Nick. "You know it's bad enough I have to put up with Colonel Obnoxious most of the time, but now that I finally get him to shut up a minute, you feel the need to take up the slack. Why don't you just sit quietly over there and . . . and . . . and watch the colonel."

Nick grinned and was a bit relieved when Ronon smiled back at him. He watched as Ronon moved up a step closer to McKay until he was almost touching the scientist's back. "So, McKay, am I crowding you?"

McKay threw up his hands. "What is _with_ you people? Is this pick on McKay day or something, because I really didn't see that listed on the calendar. Could you just leave me alone and let me work? This is important. We're trying to get the city back on line."

"Okay," said Ronon easily, turning and walking away from McKay as he glanced quickly at Nick.

"Oh," said Rodney, sitting with his mouth slightly open as he watched Ronon move across the room. He shook his head and turned back to the computer, slowly starting to type again.

For the next hour, Nick alternately sat and paced, periodically checking on John and watching Rodney type on his laptop while muttering to himself. Ever so often, Rodney would ask John something or give him instructions on what should be done next. The few times John spoke, it was short and concise. Nick found himself worrying about the way his words were becoming increasingly slurred.

Almost two hours after John had initiated contact with Atlantis, the chair deactivated. Rodney sighed and leaned back in his chair, hitting his radio button. "Elizabeth, have them try bringing the systems online again. I think we're done."

A few seconds later his radio came to life. "Rodney, systems are already coming on. Good work. Are you both all right?"

Rodney looked over to where John still sat in the chair, rubbing his temple. Nick was wrapping a blood pressure cuff around his arm. "Yeah, we're fine. Nick is just checking the colonel, but he looks okay from here. I'm sure we'll be heading for the infirmary in a minute." He chuckled lightly. "I have it on good authority that Sheppard has an appointment."

"Understood. Good work you two."

"Let me know if you have any problems. There may still be a glitch or two we need to work out. I'll be going to the infirmary to . . . to make sure everyone's okay, you know." Rodney stood and stretched as Ronon came up to stand beside him.

"He okay?" asked Ronon, watching Nick flick the penlight back and forth, checking Sheppard's pupils.

John finally clamped his eyes shut and turned his head. "I'm fine . . . blind, but fine."

Nick put the pen light away. "Let me know before you stand. You're reactions are a bit sluggish and I expect you may need a hand at first. How bad's the headache?"

"I've had worse . . . you just did it to me again, didn't you?" John narrowed his eyes as he looked up at Nick.

"Hey," Nick said as he shrugged his shoulders. "I just have to be creative with some people. You ready to stand?"

"Yeah, let's do it." Nick took John's arm as he started to stand. Once he was vertical, the room immediately tilted to one side and he began swaying. He felt Nick's hands on his right arm and another set of hands on his left, steadying him. When the room settled, John saw Ronon helping the doctor keep him upright. "I'm good," he said, although he wasn't entirely sure that was true.

"I can call for a wheelchair," offered Nick.

John pulled away from the doctor's grip. "Now, why would you do that? Let's go." John began walking toward the door, his legs feeling a bit like Jell-o. The room began to tilt as he reached the doorway, and he bumped into the door facing as he tried to regain his balance. Nick grabbed his arm, steadying him once again.

The spinning in John's head was finally beginning to settle. "Are we there yet?" he asked Nick as the room began to come back into focus.

Nick laughed softly. "We haven't made it out of the room yet."

John looked around and realized Nick was right. "Oh, crap." His head was swimming and his mind felt like mush. "I'm kind of tired." He looked at Ronon. "No wheelchair, okay?"

Ronon looked past Sheppard to Nick. Nick just sighed loudly. "Okay, no wheelchair. You are so stubborn." Nick and Ronon each put one of John's arms around their shoulders.

"Am not," muttered John.

Rodney watched them stagger out into the hall and looked blankly around the room before picking up his laptop and following them. "Don't worry about me, I'll just walk along here behind you." Since no one was looking, he allowed himself a smile. Atlantis was fixed, they were all okay, and a killer had been found. All in all, a good day's work.

TBC


	34. Chapter 34

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 34

Elizabeth paused in the door of the infirmary, glancing around until she saw Rodney and Ronon. Making her way over to them, she sat down beside Rodney. "Rodney, Ronon," she said, acknowledging the men.

Rodney shifted his gaze to the expedition leader, noticing the tired expression Elizabeth wore. "How's everything going in the control room?"

Elizabeth nodded. "Good, thanks to you guys. Dr. Zelenka is helping get everything up and running and so far, all the systems are responding. Carson told me earlier that Teyla has a concussion, but should be fine in a day or two. Is John okay?"

"I think so," said Rodney. "It's hard to tell with him sometimes."

"Yes, I know."

"We could just ask Dr. Beckett," said Ronon, nodding his head toward the doctor's approaching figure.

All three stood and stepped forward to meet Beckett. Beckett smiled, reassuring them even before he began talking.

"Colonel Sheppard is fine. He's mostly just exhausted from whatever he does in that chair. He does have a bump on the head, but it's not serious. We'll probably wake him once or twice just to be certain, but I don't see any sign of serious injury. The main thing we need to do is let him get some well-earned rest."

"Can I see him a minute?" asked Elizabeth.

Carson laughed. "You can when Nick's done with him, as long as you plan on seeing him and not talking to him. We were having trouble keeping him awake long enough to get his clothes changed."

Nick joined them a few minutes later, grinning broadly. "We've got him settled. Don't be surprised if he starts snoring in few minutes. He went to sleep sitting straight up while Kelly was trying to adjust the bed."

Beckett nodded. "Thanks Nick," he said before turning to the others. "Okay, you can look in on him for a minute, but I mean just a minute. Then I want the three of you to get some rest as well. You all look like you're dead on your feet."

Elizabeth crossed her arms and raised one eyebrow. "So, Carson, have you looked in a mirror lately."

Beckett narrowed his eyes at her. "Do you want to see the colonel or not?"

Elizabeth raised her hands defensively as she walked past him. "I'm just saying . . ."

The first thing Elizabeth noticed was how relaxed his features were. John was obviously asleep, his eyes closed and his breathing even. Someone had started an IV, which didn't surprise her since he'd eaten very little in the last few days. She knew Carson had been worrying about the way he was pushing himself, but she also knew that it couldn't be helped.

"He looks so peaceful," she said.

"Aye, that he does," agreed Beckett. "I suspect he's getting the best rest he's had in a while."

"He needs it," said Ronon.

"Now if the nightmares will just stay away," said Rodney thoughtfully.

"I'll keep an eye on him," said Nick. "Now, I think the rest of you need to follow the colonel's example, so get out of here." Nick waved his hand in a shooing motion. "That includes you, Carson. Go on, get out, shoo." Nick smiled when they actually did.

oOo

John rubbed his eyes as he became aware he was awake and hearing the sounds of the infirmary. Opening his eyes, he was content to lay and watch the unrushed, daily activities. He felt relaxed and comfortable, and the current unhurried pace he was witnessing only helped to reinforce the laid back feeling. It was several minutest before anyone noticed he was awake and he enjoyed the anonymity.

"Colonel Sheppard, how are feeling?" asked Amy as she began to take his pulse.

"Pretty good, actually," he answered honestly. He watched as she finished taking his pulse and moved on to his blood pressure and temperature.

"I'll get Dr. Beckett for you."

"Thanks, Amy. Hey, where's Teyla?" he asked, having noticed the bed she had occupied when he came in was now empty.

"Oh, they dismissed her a while ago."

Sheppard frowned and looked around for his watch. "What time is it? How long have I been in here?"

Amy placed a gently restraining hand on his arm. "Now you just take it easy, Colonel. You've been here almost twenty-one hours, but you've been getting some much needed rest. Be still and I'll get Dr. Beckett for you."

John lay back against the pillows, amazed at how long he'd been asleep. He knew he'd been tired, and not just normal tired, but completely exhausted, even my hair hurts tired. Still, he couldn't believe he'd slept over twenty hours. And then it hit him. He didn't remember having even one nightmare. It had been a deep, resting sleep. He remembered the intense relief he'd felt when they had finished repairing Atlantis, as if someone had lifted a heavy burden from his shoulders.

"Colonel, you're looking much better," said Beckett as he approached Sheppard's bedside. "Amy tells me you're feeling well."

"Yeah," John replied. "I think I feel better than I've felt in a while. I certainly slept long enough."

"Don't fret about that, Colonel. That was the best thing for you." Beckett brought out his pen light, only to have Sheppard cringe.

"Doc, you don't really want to spoil my good mood, do you?"

Beckett sighed in annoyance. "Now, Colonel, I need to check your pupil reactions. They were sluggish earlier and I need to see that you've recovered. You're speech isn't slurred any more, so I expect that you have, but I just need a few seconds to check."

John didn't say anymore or pull away as Beckett performed his penlight routine. "Everything looks fine, Colonel." Beckett slid the light into his pocket and he straightened up.

"So, when can I get rid of this?" he asked as he held up his hand with IV. "And when can I get out of here?"

Beckett smiled as he looked at his watch. "It's already 1700, so I'd like to wait until the morning. I can go ahead and remove the IV, though, and I'll send out for something to eat."

At the mention of food, John's stomach rumbled and he realized what a welcome feeling it was. "That'd be great, Doc, I'm starved."

Beckett raised his eyebrows. "Now that's the best news I've heard in a long time. Just stay put and I'll be back in a minute."

True to his word, Beckett returned a few minutes later and removed the IV. "What about a headache? And be honest with me, colonel."

"No, like I said, I really feel pretty good. I guess I feel a little sluggish and sore, kind of like I wrestled something bigger than me, but nothing really hurts."

Beckett nodded in satisfaction. "Good. We did a scan while you were out, and it looked clear, but I just wanted to check. Your food should be here in a few minutes and I called Elizabeth to let her know you were awake. I'm sure she'll come by in a bit."

"Okay, thanks Carson. Did anyone . . . " John hesitated, wondering if maybe he should have waited and asked Elizabeth.

"Did anyone what?" asked Carson, frowning at Sheppard.

John rubbed the back of his neck a few seconds, stalling as he searched for words. "Do you know if they found out why Gerard killed Helen?" He suddenly felt bad for bringing it up and sad that the nurse was dead.

"Oh, that," said Beckett sadly. "Yes, we did. I went back to check the infirmary records for the last shift she worked. I noticed that Gerard came in right before her shift was over for back pain. That was also the day that Rodney had brought me an Ancient device to check out that he thought was a hand-held medical scanner of some kind. Helen and I had talked about it earlier that day. When I couldn't find it, I had Major Lorne check the stuff Gerard had hidden away in that storage room and it was there."

"Did anyone ask Gerard about it?" asked John.

"We confronted him with what we knew and he admitted that Helen discovered it missing and came to ask him about it after her shift. She had apparently seen him wandering around when she went to get him some medication. He got nervous and killed her. I just wish she had come and told me instead of going to him herself." Beckett shook his head as he stared at the floor.

"Helen could be pretty tough when she wanted to be and I'm sure she never thought he'd kill her over it. Knowing her, she was probably irked at herself for letting him get out of the infirmary with it on her shift."

Beckett smiled a little as he nodded. "Aye, you're probably right about that. I sure am going to miss her." He grinned a little bigger as he looked up at Sheppard. "She was one of the few I could count on to handle you without too much trouble."

Sheppard just waved his hand dismissively. "Don't even go there. I can't get by with anything in this place any more. You have them all trained to be evil tyrants."

"Just who are you calling an evil tyrant?" asked Amy, coming up this Sheppard's bed with a tray of food."

"No one," he said quickly. ""No one at all."

Amy set the tray down and moved the table over John's lap. "I hope not. Now eat every bite of that or I'll have to force feed you. We've got to get some more meat on your bones," she said firmly as she handed him the fork and walked away.

John looked at the tray full of food and then up at Beckett. "See what I mean?"

oOo

"All right, Colonel, everything checks out okay. Headache?" Beckett studied Sheppard, trying to read the man's body language.

John began to swing his feet, hanging off the edge of the bed. "No headache, Carson, I promise. I feel good. Now can I get out of here or what?"

The doctor sighed and crossed his arms. He had to admit, Sheppard really did look relaxed, better than he had in a while. "All right, Colonel. You can go. But let me know if you develop any problems and I want to see you the day after tomorrow."

"You've got it, Doc," said Sheppard cheerfully as he hopped off the bed.

"I'd have thought Rodney would be here, as much as he's hovered over you lately."

John shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, he's probably still checking the city systems to make sure everything's working. I'll find him after while. Thanks, doc." As John left the infirmary, he was glad that Rodney hadn't shown up. He had something he needed to do, something he'd been craving since he woke up and he needed to do it alone.

John made his way to the chair room, slowing only as he reached his destination and saw the chair. He circled the chair, running his hand lightly across its surface. He needed to talk to Atlantis, to know that she was truly okay. Beckett would be furious if he knew what John was doing, but he needed to do this without an audience. Sitting in the chair, he leaned back as it activated.

The connection was smooth and immediate, with Atlantis reaching out to him like she had in the past. Gone was the pain and concentration requirement of the past few days. Her systems were running smoothly and he felt a warm tingling sensation flush through him, unusual, but not unpleasant. He had the sudden feeling that his peaceful rest of the last couple of days had been Atlantis's doing somehow, and he thanked her. In turn, he was almost sure that she thanked him for finding the device and fixing her. The gentle hum that pulsed through him made him feel like he was truly at home, where he belonged.

oOo

John stepped out onto the balcony to find it already occupied. He hesitated, finding two figures already leaning against the railing. Rodney and Ronon turned to look at him.

"What took you so long?" asked Rodney. "We've been standing here over an hour. Have you ever tried to have an hour of small talk with Ronon?"

John frowned, trying to remember if he had been told to come here or meet them at a particular time. When nothing came to mind, he shook his head. "Rodney . . . I have no idea what you're talking about. I was just released from the infirmary a little over an hour ago."

"Yes, yes, I know, that's why we're out here. I thought this was the first place you'd come. I talked Ronon into waiting for you . . . you know, to offer support and all, and then you never showed."

John grinned, finally understanding the scenario unfolding before him. He strolled over to the railing to stand between the two friends. "Sorry, I had a stop to make first. I had to check up on someone."

Rodney looked confused for a few seconds before snapping his fingers and pointing to Sheppard. "Atlantis." The smug expression he took on was instantly replaced with one of worry. "You sat in the chair. Does Carson know?"

"No, and he isn't going to," said Sheppard sharply. "Look, I just had to check on her, to make sure . . . you know, that she's okay."

Rodney smiled and looked out across the water. "Well, if I'd known, I'd have had you tell her hello for me. Is she okay?"

John leaned his forearms against the railing. "Yeah, she's good. I think she thanked us."

Rodney and Ronon both looked at him, a bit surprised. "Really?" asked Ronon.

John smiled, still able to almost feel the warm, comforting hum of the city as it ran through him, connecting him in a way he knew he could never explain. "Yeah, really."

They stood in companionable silence for several minutes, watching the sunlight reflect off the waves, each drawn to thoughts off everything that had happened the last few months. John finally broke the quiet. "Carson thinks we'll be ready to back through the gate in a few weeks. What do you guys think? Are you ready?"

"I'm past ready," said Ronon, making John smile.

Rodney hesitated for a few moments before turning to his teammates. "I'll be ready. I'll be scared, but ready."

John's eyes widened, having expected the opposite answer. "Really? What changed your mind?"

McKay sighed. "Let's face it, Colonel, we aren't really safe anywhere. We had a killer right here in Atlantis. And then there's the time Kolya and his men invaded." Rodney shuddered at the memory. "If I can face the likes of that, then I can go through the gate again. I'm ready."

John was relieved and patted Rodney on the shoulder. "I'll be ready too," he said simply.

"Do you have any more sessions with Heightmeyer?" asked Ronon.

"Yeah, a few. But she'll clear me when Beckett does," John said confidently.

"How can you be sure?" asked Rodney.

John smiled, shifting his weight to the other leg. "This is going to sound strange, but I'm better now that I've been in a long time. All the disasters and setbacks made me take a hard, long look at who I am and what I've been doing to myself the last few years. I've been able to focus on my place in Atlantis for the first time in a long while, and I know this is home, it's where I belong. I know I still have a ways to go, but . . . I think I may have come to terms with some things, at least as much as I ever can."

Ronon nodded, but didn't make eye contact with the others. "Sometimes that's all you can do, Sheppard. And sometimes, it's enough."

oOo

John leaned back in the chair as he sipped the first cup of _real_ coffee he'd had in several weeks. He grinned at the way Kate was watching him. "What's the matter, never seen a guy drool over his coffee before."

Kate returned his smile. "Yes, but maybe not with quite this much enthusiasm. Just remember, you really shouldn't drink any after noon, just to be safe. How are the nightmares lately?"

"Better," said honestly. "I still have them, but they aren't as intense and not as often. I can usually get back to sleep after twenty or thirty minutes, even after what passes as a bad one any more."

"Why do you think that is?"

John leaned his head back against the chair and propped his feet up on the balcony rail, staring out at the water as he contemplated the question. "I think it's a combination of things," he said slowly. "I lost it there for a while. I really thought . . . I actually wished I had died on that planet. I was so tired, I just didn't think I could do it any more. I think when I hit rock bottom, I finally realized I just couldn't do everything. I can't save everyone. I almost couldn't save myself. Then Ronon and Rodney stood with me, pushing me like I'd pushed them on that planet."

He paused, closing his eyes and just listening to the waves and the breeze for a few minutes, grateful that Kate didn't interrupt. He was still amazed at how easily he seemed to open up to Kate since they'd started meeting on the balcony. Smiling to himself, he decided this would have to stop soon.

"What else?" she finally prompted.

Opening his eyes, he looked across the balcony at her. "Okay, I'll admit it. The sessions have helped, especially the ones with Ronon and Rodney. I can't change the guilt I still feel when I think about what could have happened to them when I left them. If the Wraith had come or some big animal, they'd be dead. But I've also come to accept that if I hadn't left them, we would have all died, and that's a certainty. Talking with them helped me accept that they knew I had to leave them, that they didn't feel abandoned."

"That's something that affects you deeply, isn't it? Being abandoned, I mean."

John looked away from her, back out to the ocean. "Let's just say I've been there and done that. I won't do that to someone else. And that's as much as we're talking about that one."

"You seem more relaxed today than you have in our previous sessions. Dr. Beckett told me that you slept very peacefully while you were in the infirmary the other day. Is there something specific that has made you feel more at ease?"

John chuckled lightly. "You could say that. Atlantis. We connected . . . on a different level than we ever have before when we were trying to fix the city's systems. I went back to check on her after Rodney had finished getting everything back on line. She was . . . magnificent. She just made me feel like I was a part of the city . . . like I was home." John flushed a little, thinking he sounded a bit like a teenager with a crush. "Sorry, I just don't know how to explain it."

Kate smiled and shook her head. "Don't be sorry, not about that. I think it's wonderful that you have that connection. Switching topics, how's the weight thing going? Is eating any easier?"

"I'm getting there. I'm not where Carson wants me to be and I'm not sure I ever will be. I've never been a big eater. Most of the time, I eat because I have to to keep going. I still can't eat a lot at one sitting, so I eat several times a day. I have to be careful what I eat because a lot of stuff still makes me nauseous when I smell or taste it. But I'm getting enough in me that the weight is slowly coming back on." John smiled. "Well, we had a bit of a setback lately, as you know, but Carson admits that wasn't entirely my fault."

Kate nodded. "I know from talking to him, he's been impressed by your progress and attitude lately, especially in light of the recent problems we've had."

John cocked his head and gave his patented lop-sided grin. "You're going to think this is crazy, but I think that actually helped me. I can focus better in a crisis, when there is a specific and important goal to focus on. And it makes me feel . . . needed, like I'm doing something worthwhile. It may have been physically distressing, but mentally, I think it's just what I needed."

"Actually, I don't think that's crazy at all. I think that sounds perfectly logical for you. I would expect something similar for Ronon as well. That's what you two are trained for and that's how you live most of the time. Now Rodney, maybe not so much, at least for the physical challenges."

They both laughed softly as they looked out across the water. After several minutes, John turned back to Kate. "What do you think? Am I gate ready?"

She watched him for a few moments before answering. "Yes, I think you are. That doesn't mean that we're finished, but we can make our sessions fewer and farther apart. I think you're learning to face and deal with your demons a little more aggressively than before."

John emptied his cup. "How long? I admitted that talking to you has helped, but I don't want you to get the idea that I plan on spilling my guts on a regular basis or anything. This is not me, it's not how I do things. This was a means to an end."

"I know that Colonel. And I expect that as soon as I clear you for gate duty, I won't see you or hear from you for a while. And I think you'll be fine with that . . . for a while. But I want you to promise me that when it starts building up again and the nightmares get really bad, that you'll come see me _before_ Caldwell has to threaten you with a trip to Earth."

John looked at the floor sheepishly. "I think that's probably a good idea. I . . . I don't want it to get this bad again."

"Then don't let it. It's up to you to stop it before things go this far." Her tone and expression both softened. "I'll clear you for duty as soon as Carson does. Just have him contact me and I'll let Elizabeth know. In the meantime, I'll see you again next week."

John nodded as he stood and stretched. He turned to her before he left. "Thanks, Kate."

Kate just nodded. "It's what I'm here for." She watched him as he walked through the door into the corridors of Atlantis, grateful they had once again dodged the bullet when it came to losing Sheppard, mentally as well as physically.

TBC

**Note:** One more chapter to wrap things up.


	35. Chapter 35

**NOTE:** It's true. This really is the last chapter. Thanks to the handful of you still hanging in there reading. We realize the plot bunnies kept getting excited and going in different directions (there's a story behind that), but we hope you enjoyed it. We love you guys!

**SILENT SACRIFICE...part 35**

It had been a long three months. John had suffered a few set backs along the way, but he didn't regret a minute of the struggle. Two months ago he had gone through the gate again. A walk in the park type of scenario, but it had felt good. Then a week later he and his team were allowed out again, but just for another easy run. John hadn't protested though, because he knew he wasn't ready for full on action. None of them really were.

Two weeks ago they had gone on another easy mission, only to have the Wraith drop in. John and his team had snapped into action, saving a lot of villagers and sending the Wraith straight to hell. He'd suffered a slight injury to his left arm, but nothing serious and Carson had simply cleaned it and sent him to his quarters.

Tomorrow was going to be a big day. Tomorrow was their first mission where anything could go wrong, and probably would. But it was more than that. Tomorrow they were going back to the Cave planet. John knew the numbers for it, but it would always be the Cave planet to him. He knew Rodney and Ronon thought of it the same way.

It had been Rodney's idea to go back. John knew McKay was scared, but he was proud of him for wanting to do this. They just had to convince Elizabeth it was the right thing for them to do. In fact, John was due in Elizabeth's office for a meeting so he and his team could convince her to let them go back.

To that end he eyed Carson, who was giving him his weekly check over. Which actually amounted to Carson checking his weight under the guise of checking everything. "We done, doc?" John queried. "I have a meeting to go to."

"Just step on the scale then we're done," Carson replied.

"Okay." John did as he was told and he watched the numbers. A smile curved his lips. He had gained another pound, which meant seventeen total. Carson kept reminding him that some of that was muscle weight, since he was allowed to do full workouts with Teyla again and he and Ronon had been hitting the gym. Ronon had discovered that pumping iron was pretty cool. John thought Ronon lifting weights was scary as hell, but refrained from telling him that.

Carson was grinning as he scribbled on John's chart. "Well done, Colonel. I'm very pleased."

John smiled back. "That makes two of us. So I'm free to go?"

"Go go.." Carson waved a hand at him in a shooing motion.

"Later," John replied, then he almost ran for the door. A few minutes later he walked into Elizabeth's office, nodding in greeting to her and his team. "Sorry I'm late," John said.

Rodney shook a finger at him. "Weigh in, right? Didja gain an ounce?"

John knew it bugged McKay that he was eating tons of calories a day and it seemed to barely register. Meanwhile, Rodney had gained what he called seven sympathy pounds. John had told him it was just the fact he was sitting more while they were grounded. Once they were back out in the field full time, he knew Rodney would lose the extra pounds. Or at least a few of them. "Gained another pound," he announced, knowing that everyone was keeping track. Which bugged him a bit on the one hand, yet he understood that they were just worried about him.

"That makes seventeen," Teyla said, sounding pleased.

"Right." John was a bit unsettled by the fact that she had actually been keeping track of the exact pounds he'd gained. So to distract attention away from himself, he dropped into a nearby chair and said, pointedly, "We need to discuss the mission tomorrow."

Elizabeth sighed, folding her hands on her desk and letting her gaze settle for a moment on each of them, before coming back to rest on John. "I read your request and I sort of understand why you've asked to go back there. But are you sure it's a smart thing to do? Maybe instead of coming full circle and getting closure, you'll just trigger something that sets the three of you back again."

John knew she was playing devil's advocate, and he wasn't mad at her for it. It was her job to do just that. But he knew he could make her see reason, if not fully understand why this mattered to them. "First off, Ronon would be fine either way. Right, big guy?" John grinned at the Satedan as he spoke and got a smile in return. He faced Elizabeth again and gestured to Rodney. "And Rodney wouldn't have suggested it if he didn't need to go back. He needs to face his fears, and I need to test myself. I know Kate sent her thoughts on the mission, and she thinks it's a good idea."

"I know." Elizabeth made a face. "Carson told me the same thing, but I can't help but be concerned."

"Besides," Sheppard grinned. "We can pick up some more samples of the cave rock for testing. Rodney thinks the shielding capability may be very valuable once he figures out how it works."

"Nice try," Weir replied wryly, "but Radek already told me Lorne's team picked up plenty of samples."

"Oh," said John dejectedly. "Can't blame a guy for trying. Okay, well, Teyla will be with us to make sure everything goes as planned," John reminded her.

Leaning back in her chair, Elizabeth's body language betrayed how tense she was. She shook her head. "I know this is important to all of you, but I have a bad feeling about it."

Teyla spoke before anyone else could. "What worries you, Elizabeth?" she queried. And that was Teyla, always willing to hear all side of the story in order to be fair to everyone.

"I just can't shake a bad feeling about it," Elizabeth confessed. "I have nothing concrete to go on. No facts to argue with, or against really. I just...I'm afraid that if you go..." She broke off and eyed Rodney then John before lowering her gaze to her hands in her lap. "I'm afraid you'll come back changed for the worst."

"You're afraid we'll break for sure this time," John clarified, and he wasn't surprised by her fears. They were similar to his own. "That's the biggest reason why we need to do this, Elizabeth." He saw her surprised reaction to that. "When we go through the gate, there's no telling what we're going to face. Down the road we could end up in a similar situation. If we can't face it now, then I need to know that. Because otherwise it's going to be a nasty surprise and people might get hurt. My people."

Elizabeth was nodding. "You have a good point," she conceded, then she locked eyes with Rodney. "Are you sure about this?" she asked gently.

Rodney looked tense and one leg was bouncing up and down, but after a moment he nodded. "I'm sure."

"Okay then," Elizabeth rose from her desk. "You have a go."

"Thank you." John was smiling as he stood up. "It's going to be okay," he assured her.

Elizabeth nodded. "I'm going to hold you to that, John."

He didn't have anything to say to that so he turned to his team. "I want everyone to get a good night's sleep. We leave first thing in the morning." Teyla and Ronon nodded then headed out the door. John went over to Rodney and pulled him out of his chair. He knew McKay needed a distraction. "Got any cool gizmo's you want me to touch?" John offered.

"There is this one thing," Rodney replied, perking up instantly. "I think it might be some kind of weapon, I'm just not sure how it works or what it does."

"Sounds like fun," John replied, herding Rodney out the door. And now he was smiling at the thought of some kind of new Ancient weapon thingy. If for no other reason than it would occupy Rodney's mind till tomorrow. "Lead the way." He pushed Rodney out the door then gave Elizabeth a sloppy salute before following. Deep inside he was nervous, but at the same time John sensed that everything was going to be okay.

OoO

They made it to the planet without mishap. Although by the time they walked out of the jumper and were heading towards the cave, John could feel himself shaking a bit. He hoped the others didn't notice. Glancing over at Rodney, John could see he was pale and trembling and not even bothering to try and hide it. "Hey, Rodney...you okay?" John asked, moving closer and clapping him on the shoulder.

Rodney favored him with a baleful look. "No..I'm not okay, Colonel. But thanks for asking.

"Do you want to go back?" John asked. He didn't want to push Rodney if he wasn't ready for this.

"No!" Rodney's tone was sharp even though his voice was barely a whisper. "I...we're here now...we should just do this."

John nodded. "Okay then." He stepped forward, leading the way to the base of the path that led up to the cave.

Teyla moved to stand beside him, shading her eyes from the sun as she studied the path. "That is a long way up."

"Felt like miles sometimes," John allowed.

"I want to walk to the stream," Rodney announced. "I want to see it."

John felt his chest tighten at the thought. He wasn't sure he wanted to go back there, but he found himself nodding. "Sure...it's this way." In truth, he preferred going there to facing the cave right now. So he led them to the stream, surprised by how beautiful the walk was. Surprised also by the fact that he remembered the way so well when much of the path seemed so unfamiliar to him now. Which just reminded John of how miserable he had felt every time he'd made the trek.

When they reached the water, everyone stood there for a moment without speaking.

It was Ronon, of all people, who broke the silence. "Hell of a walk," he commented.

"Yeah," John replied. He knew he didn't have to explain what it had been like to the Satedan. Ronon had walked through hell and back for the seven years he had been on the run.

"Can we go back to the cave now?" Rodney asked.

John was surprised he would want to, but nodded. They returned by the same path, and John focused on putting one foot in front of the other, and on doing fractions and such in his head. He didn't want to remember his time here. He didn't want to think about carrying the back pack and pulling the crate. He wanted only to forget, and yet the memories were seeping back to him.

A hand on his arm startled him from his thoughts and John smiled at Teyla, feeling grateful. He was surprised, however, to realize they were back already.

"Ronon wishes to walk around a bit," Teyla said softly. "I will go with him, if that is all right."

"It's fine." John nodded and motioned for her to go ahead. He returned her smile then watched her trot off to catch up to the big guy. Which meant he and Rodney would be hanging out here for a bit. "Want to go back to the jumper?" John asked. They had packed some lunch just in case they stuck around a while.

But Rodney shook his head. "I'm not hungry." However, he was pulling a powerbar out of his pocket as he spoke and ripping it open. John knew it was out of habit more than anything. But he was surprised when Rodney held it out to him. "Eat," he was ordered.

John was about to refuse it, but he knew Rodney was both looking out for him and trying to distract himself. So he accepted the bar and took a bite. Thankfully his stomach accepted it. But two bites were all John could manage. "You okay, Rodney?" He was repeating himself, but the scientist looked tense and distracted, which was kind of scary. Rodney was usually so very intense and focused.

"I want to go up to the cave," Rodney replied. Then he turned away and headed for the path.

"Ooookay," John drawled, jogging a bit to catch up. He felt his heart rate increase as they entered the cave and after glancing around the all too familiar interior, he had to step back out. Moving to the edge of the drop off, John sat down, swinging his legs and gulping in lungfuls of fresh air. After a time the feeling that he was suffocating, passed.

It was quite a while later before Rodney joined him, peering down unhappily at distance below, but sitting down beside him none the less. "How did you do it?" Rodney asked.

John frowned at him. "Do what?"

"Keep us alive." Rodney looked a bit shell shocked as he spoke. "I just...I can't believe what you did. I can't believe you did what you did and still thought you'd failed us."

"Rodney.." John began.

But Rodney cut him off. "You were injured, as bad or worse than we were. You supported us, practically carried us at times and we both outweigh you. You made that trip to the stream over and over again when, realistically, you shouldn't even have been able to stand up. You starved yourself just to make sure Ronon and I would survive. It shouldn't have been humanly possible, Sheppard. But you did it...you kept us alive. And yet you thought you failed us? Why?" Rodney sounded sincerely baffled, but there was a thread of anger in his voice. In fact he was practically vibrating with it.

John wasn't sure what to say. He didn't know what Rodney wanted to hear. "I just...I did what I had to do," he whispered. "I was always afraid it wasn't enough."

"Did I ever thank you?" The anger bled out of Rodney and he suddenly looked drained.

"You don't have to thank me," John countered.

Rodney nodded at that. "I know." He was quiet a moment then he blurted out, "Thanks anyway."

John grinned at him. "Sure. Any time."

"Let's not put that to a test though, okay?" Rodney requested. He pushed back from the edge then climbed to his feet. "Maybe I will head back to the jumper. I'm feeling peckish."

"Peckish?" John echoed, rising to his feet with a lot more grace. He arched and eyebrow at Rodney and tried not to laugh.

Rodney gave him a look of long suffering. "Bite me," he countered smoothly, shouldering past John and making his way down the path. "Feel up to a game of prime/not prime?" he asked, as John caught up to him.

John sighed. "What is it with geniuses and that stupid game?" Not that he wasn't going to play. Rodney had been trying to sucker him into it for over a year and John had refused with a variety of excuses. In truth he had been waiting for the right moment to bring Rodney to his knees. John knew he was ace at the game and soon, Rodney would whimper with defeat. John laughed at his own thoughts. More like Rodney would be snapping at him in frustration and requesting rematch after rematch. But it would pass the time until Ronon and Teyla returned.

"It's not a stupid game, unless you're afraid you'll lose," Rodney shot back.

"Coulda been Mensa," John reminded him. "You go first."

So Rodney rattled off a number and looked flabbergasted when John didn't even hesitate with his answer. They were still playing, surrounded by the empty food wrappers from lunch, when Ronon and Teyla returned.

Rodney was glaring at John. "This isn't over," he stated. "We're picking up when we get back to Atlantis."

"Sure," John replied, as he slid into the pilot's seat. He watched Rodney sit down beside him, then he glanced back as Ronon and Teyla settled in. "Ready to go home?" he asked.

"Ready.." they replied in unison, and it was music to John's ears. He set the jumper on course for home, feeling the tension he had been carrying with him for months, finally slipping away. They had all come full circle now and he knew that the next time he stepped through the gate with his team, they would be ready to face it. Side by side, come what may.

Not caring that he was grinning like a fool, John looked over at Rodney and said, "Forty-three thousand, six hundred and seventy-seven."

Rodney glared at him. "I hate you, you do know that. Right?"

"Yeah, I know," John replied, and he was almost -literally- able to watch the wheels turn in Rodney's head.

All was right in John Sheppard's world again.

**THE END**


End file.
